She was so Fat!...... How Fat Was She?

She was so fat!....How fat was she?

She was so fat she could pull in more prize money than the Champion Heffer at the local county fair! Now don't start getting all out of shape thinking that I am bashing size challenged people. The she I am referring to is me!!

Okay perhaps I should back up a little but according to my Diva Sister my butt may make that annoying beep beep beep sound if I back up like those giant wide load trucks. Alright I will get back on track, let me start from the beginning. I don't mean the beginning as if from birth but, I should point out that I was a large baby. I was born nine pounds twelve and one half ounces. My mother always feels compelled to add that one half ounce. Sometimes she even likes to follow up the additional one half ounce statement by adding that I alone was nearly the combined weight of my twin brothers born 6 years prior to me. So in all fairness I started off way ahead of the curve in the weight department. So I was behind the eight ball to start with combined with the facts that I am forty four years old and I have three children I haven't felt too bad about my weight lately. I am a totally respectable size 10 through 14! Why you ask such a large range of sizes? Well there are many factors that play into which size I am from week to week or even day to day. Factors like: Make and or model of pants, number of Zumba moves I snuck in while sweeping, folding laundry, doing dishes and crawling around under beds looking for dirty socks and wet towels. (The towels are another subject I have teenage boys!) ICK!
How many little Debbie cakes my family drove me to sneak eat in the laundry room. And many other factors to lengthy to mention.

So I woke up yesterday in a fairly good mood for a 40 something hormonal stay at home mother. I was even motivated had my bed made before 6:45 am and a load of laundry in the dryer before seven. Feeling quite chipper for a Wednesday morning I was just about to head to the kitchen to whip up a batch of no bake cookies. I had promised some to my Diva Sister and I thought I would be nice and make some take them to her. Well Diva Sissy blew her chance at those. As I was walking to my kitchen I noticed I had a message on my cell that said "Call Me". Thinking something was seriously wrong I immediately grabbed my home phone and dialed. When she answered I told her I seen her message and called to see if everything was okay. She said "yes everything is fine. I just called to tell you about this party I went to last night. It was for those Body by Vi products. Have you heard of them?" I said "yes I have heard of them in fact my neighbor sells them and I have tried some samples." She said have you heard of the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge?" "Yes I have why are you selling them now?" She said "No I am not selling them. I did however get a couple of free kits at the party and I wanted to see if you would be interested in having one of the kits. I will only give it to you if you promise you will actually do it. I don't want the products just going to waste." I said "Yes I will do the shakes and supplements I like their stuff I just haven't been able to afford the $200 plus price tag lately.

This is where the conversation begins it's decline. Sissy says "well when I went to the party and I seen how well so many people did on these products I couldn't help but think of you. I know you would do really well with them. I am going to do one of the kits myself because I want to lose about 10 pounds. I know I know everyone says they don't notice any weight gain on me but, I have gained. I usually weigh around 150 but with lack of exercise this summer I am actually closer to about 160 lately. After I heard some of the testimonials I know you would be successful with this." Now this is where it gets good!! She says "Jami if you would start these products tomorrow I would bet you could lose 40 POUNDS by Thanksgiving and then you would only have about ten or fifteen more to lose!! What the #%$%@ did she just say??!! So I take a deep breathe and remind myself that she is old and it is still fairly early in the morning and I play nice like Momma always said I should. (plus I want the products before I run my chops.) She says she will meet me later in town to give me my box of stuff. I hang up without my head exploding.

So after hanging up with my head intact. I keep rethinking the conversation which in turn causes me to try and do math as well as a little mind reading. Okay so my five foot two sister  says she wants to lose about ten pounds to get back down to 150 pounds. Followed by her statement that I could lose 40 pounds by Thanksgiving leaving me only another 15 pounds more to lose to not be a complete lard butt. Now let's see I am five foot six inches tall that is four inches taller than her. I would assume she would allow a taller person to weigh more than a short person right.!  Okay I wonder how many pounds she would allot per inch? And has she even thought about my Boobs? I mean these suckers alone account for a good fifteen pounds at least!  Couple with her statement that no one has noticed her 160 pounds on her five foot nothing frame.  How freaking fat does she think I am?? So after failing to do math this early and my lack of mind reading ability I give up. I just assume that my sister feels I am currently weighing in at over two hundred pounds. So I manage to get off of the phone without losing my mind and keeping my mouth shut. Thank God I have been reading a lot of Wayne Dwyer and Gabby Bernstein books lately.

Sissy calls me back a couple of hours later and ask if I can meet her at the local Chiropractor at around three today to get my "Don't Be A Lard A$$ Kit". (My Name not hers) So I arrive at the Chiropractors office on time  and skinny sissy is late. When she does arrive she has out dear sweet mother with her. She ask if I would be able to take Momma to her hair appointment and drop her off so she won't be late and she will get her after he Chiropractor appointment. I say no problem. And once again the conversation goes south only this time Momma is here to witness so I can't choke her in front of mother. Because apparently I was thinner this morning than I am in the afternoon. Because now sissy says, "If you start this tomorrow you should have 50 pounds off by Christmas and 10 or fifteen more after you should be at your goal!!" Oh Really My Goal huh? I want to inform her that my goal is not to be anorexic and my goal is not to look like the flipping crypt keeper! But my Momma is there so I behave. Apparently with Mother in tow she is feeling extra brave. Because her next statement is "Hey now before you start this program tomorrow make sure you have the boys take a picture of you for the contest." What contest? She says" Well they have a contest and you could win up to $10,000.00 for losing the weight but you have to have before and after pics. " So let me get this straight I am now so $#%# fat that I could pull in more prize money than the Grand Champion Heifer at the county fair. I mean of course I don't say this because my elderly mother is present. This location isn't optimal for assaulting someone there are too many witnesses and cars driving down State Route 22. So like the Good Lord Jesus said I turned the other cheek. Even though there were a couple of other cheeks I was considering asking her to kiss.

So this morning I have already done my breakfast shake and taken my supplements like a good little heifer should. I already have my lunch shake ready. If I do happen to be fat enough that I could win prize money for this you can bet your butt this little piggy won't be taking her sissy to the market with her! So sissy if you read this I will do the program I will not however be losing no 50 plus pounds because first off I don't need to! Second off I like a little curve on me. Third fat fills in wrinkles. Fourth every time I get skinny I get pregnant. And so help me God if I lose weight and get pregnant you will meet your maker!!