Woo what a week!

You all know about the idiot raccoon that is terrorizing me. Yeah he has built some sort of condo or villa underneath my front porch. And every morning he meanders out once I open the front door. Only after some sort of ritual he does under the porch that is very noisy. I feel this is most likely his way of letting me know he is not happy that I woke him at such an hour. See I have to go out and get him out and on his way to his daytime residence before I can let my two jack russells out to do their morning ritual. Even though I have to admit I am not overly fond of my dogs I really couldn't stand the thoughts of the giant raccoon gnawing and clawing their little eyes out. Plus I do not handle blood well...even little doggie blood. Even though many members of my family affectionately refer to me as "the world's worst dog owner." (These family members mind you have no children) Busters ritual is run frantically in the front yard and attempt peeing on every surface you can find. Boswell runs around for ten minutes trying to pick a location to make his deposit.After ten minutes finally decides prime locale only to stop after making a small deposit then goes in search of a second location. My husband Tony refers to him as a "two squatter". So my morning ritual is now to rouse the raccoon from his porch condo so that I can safely allow my dogs to do their thing. So this morning I get "Rocky" out and on his way. (yes I figured is he was going to take up residence here I might as well give him a name to avoid confusion) I then get the children out and onto the bus. Yes I am aware it is Saturday but thanks to the long harsh winter and about a million snow days. My children are now subjected to Saturday school for the next month. Rocky out check, Drake and Peyton out check. Buster and Boswell out....holy crap Why is Rocky back? Grabbing my handy dandy BB gun to prepare myself for defending my little dogs from this absurdly obese raccoon. As I am pumping the gun to prepare to shoot all the while praying my eyesight is better during the day than the evening. See I shot my flower pot last week attempting to shoot Rocky. the temp is somewhere in the thirties and I am sweating bullets....or should I say sweating BB's? Praying that I don't take out my dog instead of the raccoon. I can't even begin to imagine that conversation with Tony and the boys. Well see honey Mommy was just trying to save Boswells life...and well..you know how bad mommy's eyes are..and well..honey I accidentally shot the dog instead of the raccoon. While I was contemplating my sniper skills it appears that Boswell has made friends with Rocky. I notice Buster is no longer searching and peeing on every surface he can find. He seems to be content with standing in one spot and peeing right down his leg. He isn't even attempting to hike his leg or anything. I turn back to Boswell to find that he and Rocky may even be more than friends the way they are sniffing at each other. Perhaps Rocky isn't a Rocky after all...maybe Rocky is a Rachel? OMG if they start getting to intimate I am going to start shooting anyway and whoever lives to walk way so be it. Could you even imagine what weird new breed this would be...I am thinking of calling this new love child...Jackcoon...or would it be Rackrussell? I think I like Jackcoon. Thoughts? Finally they Boswell and Rocky/Rachel decide they don't want an audience for whatever dirty thoughts that were running through their heads and Rocky/Rachel wonders off back into the woods. When I yell for Boswell to come back inside he steps up to the porch, stops, sits down and begins staring at me? He was acting like that dog on Frazier. I keep yelling for him to get inside and he won't budge. I am talking to him like he understands..come one Boswell...it is cold out here. I am standing outside in broad daylight in a giant purple robe. If the neighbors see this they are going to grab their kids and grand kids and head over thinking that Barney the talking dinosaur is making a special appearance in Stoutsville. He finally makes his move towards the front door only to stop again for one more stare down. As if he was saying "great I finally get a chance at a little action and you...yeah you would have to ruin it for me." Meanwhile I am trying to figure out this dog. I mean is he gay or is he a chubby chaser who likes to go outside of his race? Either way only in my world!! All this and it is not even eight a.m.

On Thursday I had offered my friend Michelle to come over and help her with a little spring cleaning. I also offered her a chair from my Mom's basement for her sun porch. Yes I did ask my mother prior to making the offer! Now for the task of getting the chair upstairs and loaded in my SUV. Okay so I am forty one years old with a bad back four blown, herniated, slipped..whatever tern you want to use disc in my back. And Michelle is forty with MS. This task oughta be very entertaining. Well I take Drake to school yeah I have to take him to school everyday this week as there is some sort of two hour delay because of the Ohio Graduation Test. I can't explain the logic so I won't even try. Then I head to Mom's to get the chair Michelle and I have decided to meet at Mom's to get the chair and head over to her house for spring cleaning. I decide not to call Michelle until after I am at Mom's so that I can get the chair upstairs before she comes. I don't want her to hurt herself trying to help me out. Plus with the recent weight loss I am feeling quite athletic. (No I am by no stretch of the imagination athletic looking...I just feel athletic) I get to Mom's basement and begin my struggle with the trying to maneuver this glider rocker chair up a flight of stairs without any help. Have I mentioned that I am left handed? I tend to see the world bass ackwards. I feel I have a better chance of achieving this task by going up the stairs backwards and pulling the chair up than to go chair first and pushing. This is probably because all night last night I kept envisioning me losing my footing and falling backwards down the stairs and the giant glider rocker landing on top of me thereby taking me out of the land of the living. Given the way the stairs are located this meant I had to hold onto the handrail with my left hand (yes my strong hand) and pull the rocker up the stairs with my right hand (yes my weaker hand) After about twenty minutes and traveling 12 stairs and holding my breathe for nearly the entire time I finally make it. I get the chair out and onto the back porch just in time to see Michelle pulling into Mom's driveway. Michelle and I together make the journey from the back porch and after much maneuvering and seat folding we manage to load the chair into the giant tank I drive. We decide to visit Mom for a bit since we are both already exhausted and we haven't even started cleaning yet! As I am swigging coffee in an attempt to consume as much caffeine as possible and talking with Mom she ask if the other chair is still in the basement. I tell her that it is and she says that I should give that one to Michelle as well. "Oh really should I?" I think my mother has somehow lost time somewhere along the way..I am thinking she has lost at least twenty years because she obviously thinks I am twenty. I tell Michelle that I can get this without her help. I really am not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. This chair doesn't have any handles or anything I can grab and pull with so I am forced to go chair first up the stairs. Great so this is where my vision will become reality. Not so bad this chair is much lighter than the other one. except for the stupid handrail. I get the chair only about three steps from the top and the dag gone legs aren't going to fit. Michelle peaks her head around the top of the stairs to see if I need help. She says that I have the chair at the wrong angle I need to have it turned the other way. Really? I am standing there precariously nine steps above a solid concrete floor with a chair resting on my legs and now I need to go all the way back down and do it all again only the other way?...Yep so that is what I do. Michelle and I together manage to accomplish this task we make it to the front porch (due to the angle that we had to bring the chair up we couldn't go out the back door) when Michelle says "this is never going to fit in your vehicle with the other chair." Oh but it will my dear." I did not just wrestle two pieces of furniture upstairs only to leave it here. Back to the tank..after another twenty minutes of more seat folding and climbing around inside my SUV like some sort of caged monkey we have both chairs loaded. Another break..more coffee and chatting with mom. Even more exhausted and still no cleaning is done yet! Since it is now after eleven we bid farewell to mom and head out. But not before my mom says "hey are still going to be able to come up tomorrow and clean for me?" I smile and say" of course I will be here." Good because this house it setting me nuts" mom says.

I forgot to mention the look on Michelle's face when she first seen me on Thursday morning. I can't believe I forgot this part. Okay so on Wednesday I cleaned my house and was a little bored. I really need to get a haircut but can't afford to right now. In the last two weeks we (Tony) has paid out over $400.00 in dental care for the boys. Over $800.00 towards an art club trip to New York for Drake and I. And we got a letter from the school stating that Peyton failed his eye test and needs glasses. I still need new glasses, Drake needs to get braces and Peyton is requiring oral surgery to remove a tooth. So I felt it was in my best interest not to ask Tony for more money to get my wig busted. Being very bored on Wednesday I remember I have not yet used the hair color from my shopping spree at Target. Cool I can get a new look and not even spend even more money that I don't have right now. Off to the bathroom I go to apply my Natural Instinct "Cinnaberry" temporary hair dye. (Thank God it was temporary) I only leave the color on for about half the amount of time the directions instructed. (Again thank you God) They really need to change the name of this stuff. It should be called "hooker red" Holy crap Tony is going to flip out when he sees his lovely bride. I really don't think I have enough time left to wash and dry my hair twenty eight times prior to Tony getting home do I? Who cares it is only temporary right? He will just have to get over it. I will try to get a photo of this new do and put it on facebook so you all can see it in all of it's flaming glory. I need to do that later though I don't have on any make up right now. And with the deep deep shade of my hair and my unadorned face I look rather "Goth" or rather scary. So the first word out of Michelle's mouth on Thursday morning was "wow." She then proceeds to say she really likes it it is just really different from my normal. This is why we have been friends for over thirty years. I don't want friends who are too honest. I want my friends to lie to me and tell me no those pants don't make your butt look big. No that hair color is perfect for you. Crows feet... what crows feet? Of course you she looks much older than either of us. I totally agree she is way too skinny and it just doesn't look good on someone her age. Now that's a good friendship.

On Friday morning I had to once again take Drake to school two hours after I got Peyton off to school. I also had to go into the school to pay my last installment of $418.00 on the New York trip for Drake and I. I go in to pay the teacher and get a little more information on the trip from him. He explains to me that even though I will be sharing a room with three other women, whom I don't know. He will have me doing the touring with the five boys who are going on the trip. He thought I would want to be with Drake to experience this trip together. Oh how very thoughtful. I finally get away from my testosteroned filled home only to travel nearly five hundred miles by bus to be surrounded by even more testosterone. Yeah for me!! Oh goodie, then I get to share a room with three other women whom I don't know. Better yet I get to sleep in the same bed with one I don't know. Fabulous I (Tony) have just paid twelve hundred dollars to be tortured for five days. See I can get over the boy thing. I am so used to it by now. It is the sleeping arrangements that are causing me to lose sleep. See I am a spooner in bed. By this I mean that I will spoon anyone that is in bed with me. It doesn't matter who it is. Even though I really try not to I will start off the night with my back to you completely on my side of the bed but I can assure you that by morning I will be attached to your back like some sort of baby monkey at the zoo. I have done this to several people, people who haven't appreciated it at all. Once Tony and I invited my niece and her husband over for dinner and hanging out. This was when Tony still consumed vast amounts of beer. So he passes out on the couch and my niece falls asleep on the other couch. I go in to go to bed and fall fast asleep. Before I know it, it is morning and I open my eyes to see my niece and my husband standing at the foot of the bed staring at me and I realize that I am laying there spooning my nieces husband in my bed while my niece and husband are watching. Thank God there are no trust issues here or we very well could have ended up on Jerry Springer's Show. I have also spooned my gay brother. When my dad passed away we had to go to Florida for the funeral and had to stay at my other nieces house where Trent and I had to share an air mattress in the spare bedroom. The first night I curled up on my side with my back to my brother. Once again fast asleep only to be awoken by my brother pleading with me to get my big ugly boobs off of his back. And to please remove my leg from around his waist so that he could get up and get some coffee and perhaps vomit. So it goes without saying this New York trip is starting to concern me a bit. I mean do I admit to my spooning addiction up front to total strangers or do I wait and explain after the fact? See I tried to see if just Drake and I could share a room on the trip but I was told this would make the trip more expensive for the others as the cost is based on the occupancy of the rooms. I nearly offered to pay the difference for the others and then I remembered that I don't have a job. I suppose Tony would not appreciate me being so generous with his money. Plus if I did I may not be able to get a haircut until the end of summer. And considering the current shade of my hair postponing my haircut until the end of summer I would look like some sort of mad woman who is clinging to her youth with some sort of death grip. I wonder if they will allow me to sleep on the bus or if there is even a comfy couch in the lobby of the hotel. Oh God why did I sign up for this anyway? So I suppose it is best that the teacher put me with all of the boys on the trip at least I can avoid the awkward stares and silences from my bed mate while taking in the view from the top of the Statue of Liberty!

It's official. I am going to contact FOX tv I really need my own reality series. Because you know no one would really believe these things actually happen in my life. At the very least I need to have my house wired with cameras to catch this so I could at least be the biggest hit on YouTube. So if you are a facebook friend you already know that I actually have the night alone tonight. I managed to get all three penis's out of my house for the entire night. Tony (my husband) and Peyton (my youngest) went to the Columbus Bluejackets hockey game and Drake (middle son) went to a Christian Youth Rally at OSU. So here I am all excited to have the house to myself...it is so quiet that even my two jack russell's Buster and Boswell were sleeping. So I go and grab my trusty lap top slip on my PJ's hop into my bed grab the remote(s) for an entire evening to myself playing on facebook talking on the phone and most importantly eating the cookies I got from Michelle today. The same cookies that I hid in my purse to avoid having to share them with my children. Yeah I really do stuff like that. But hey..you need to give me a break these cookies were my dinner tonight. No point in cooking if no one is home right? There is fiber in sugar cookies isn't there? I only have one tv in my bedroom you would think one remote for it. Ohhhhhh noooooo I come to discover my bedroom entertainment system has no less than five flipping remotes. Come on how can one entrainment system have this many remotes. Okay well not all of them are for the tv, surround sound, cable box, dvd player, stereo. Actually found out we actually have a remote for the fan in our room. Yep you know it accidentally hit something turned it on high and oscillate. This little accident was actually good because I needed a nice breeze to cool my fueling temper. So here I am lying in my bed feeling like a queen having a castle all to herself. The looking around realizing my house doesn't so much resemble a castle. I decide to take a stab at changing the channel I need a little inspiration from HGTV. I decide to play Russian roulette with the remotes and attempt to change channels. BAD IDEA!! I manage to obviously grab the surround sound remote which is apparently linked to the DVD player..that Tony left some sort of war drama with lots of helicopters, curse words and gun fire. Did I mention that he also must have left the volume set on I-Max or something. Because as I am watching Brian Williams deliver the nightly news and I go to hit the button, suddenly the sound of gun fire is coming at me from all corners of my room and it sounds like a helicopter is landing on my roof. After I jump up after nearly peeing the bed and shaking. Trying to rescue the lap top that was perched on my lap. I look back to the TV and it seems like Brian Williams is cussing out John Yang who is reporting from somewhere. I have grabbed the wrong remote and managed to turn on the surround sound and the DVD player with one button. I am frantically trying to figure out what remote will work to turn it off so that I don't have to feel like a soldier in Iraq. or look like a Vietnam vet having a flash back. (this is why I need my own show) This is when I had the happy accident of discovering that my fan had a remote. When nothing is working and I finally give up walk over and manually turn off anything and everything in the armour. I decide to give up on HGTV and decide I will just take a long bubble bath instead and tackle this problem after a soothing bath. Plus I am hoping that the hot bath will help me to relax and stop me from shaking. A bath would also be good to freshen up a bit...remember the comment about nearly peeing the bed? Well the only reason I didn't is because even at forty one I still possess cat like reflexes and managed to jump out of the bed before it hit the mattress...can't say so much about my unmentionables. You don't think I need that medicine for bladder leakage do you? I don't think it counts if it only happens when you have the crap scared out of you. Hummm...I hope not..I don't need another middle aged ailment. Okay so having given up my electronic portion of the evening and decide on a more spa like night. A nice bubble bath is just the trick. So I run a nice bubbly tub full of water and grab my latest Janet Evanovich book. I am all settled in kicking back one paragraph in..I hear that the dogs are awake..not even just awake they are barking so loud and constant that it sounds like there must be an ax murderer in my kitchen. Really at this point I don't even care if there is..I think if there is I can take him with my Venus razor..or my mega sized bottle of Panteen. Perhaps if I turn the water back on I won't be able to hear the stupid dogs barking..naaaaahh. I can still hear them. I could put my head under the water..nooo.... that would mean I have to blow dry again..not worth it. Looks like the spa portion of my evening is over as well..hell it isn't even 7:00 yet. So I upon attempting to exit the tub I discover that Tony has swapped my Lever 2000 for Dove soap. DOVE SOAP IS NOT I REPEAT IS NOT TO BE USED IN A GARDEN TUB. Makes the damn the thing like an ice rink. When I am finally able to stand up and get my balance I hurl my right leg over the side and just as my right foot makes contact with the slate tile ole lefty decides to go for a triple Axel or something. Who knew that at forty one years old I was still even capable of doing the splits. Let alone doing the splits naked..even worse doing the splits naked and Tony isn't even home to see it. Yes I did a full split buck naked. No it isn't at all like doing them my freshman or sophomore year. My hamstrings and glutes and nearly every other part of my legs had a real issue with this little stunt. All the while the freaking dogs are still barking as I am trying to peel my naked wet injured body from the tile floor. I finally manage to limp and lean on objects to make it back to my bedroom..shut up I know it is only five or six feet the way my legs feel it may as well be the grand canyon. I am going to kill the dogs..still barking. I finally manage to get myself dressed..a nightie and undies count as dressed right. I hobble myself out to find out what is setting the stupid dogs off. I am just praying that I do have an intruder so I can kick his #^&$ for ruining my bath. I already have his demise planned I will beat him with one of the five stinking remotes in my room. Then I will finish him off with my walker that I keep in my closet. Yeah I am wondering if I need to get that out after the cheerleading stunt in the bathroom. I go out to find the idiot dogs barking at absolutely nothing!! There is no intruder in my home I don't even see signs of a mouse or anything. Then I hear something..I think someone is at the front door..holy crap..shut up dogs so I can hear. Dag nabit..I can't bend down to get in their faces to quietly tell them to have a glass of shut the hell up. I am trying to give them my "mean mommy eye". I follow that up with placing my index finger in front of my lips indicating the ssshhhh sound. Seriously you don't follow any of my voice commands but you get sign language..I really don't like them. Now with them quiet for a second I hear it again..someone is on my porch. Holy crap..what do I do..I really don't think I can fight someone off tonight with jello legs. I try to to tip toe closer to the door to see if I can hear better and identify what type of intruder is on the porch. No luck I go back to the kitchen isn't this nice..now the barking guard dogs are curled up together in their kennel. I can't see the driveway from the kitchen..I hobble my way to bedroom..crap..I don;t want to peak out the blinds whoever is out there may see me from the porch..hobble...curse...hobble...curse..finally back to the bathroom. Looking out I don't spot any vehicles in my drive. Okay so my intruder either rode his bike down to kill me or is too stupid to posses a valid drivers license. Alright now I am mad he didn't even have the sense to bring a getaway car? Oh so I don't even warrant a getaway car? That's it..hobble...curse..hobble..curse I throw open the front door nearly pee myself again. (No this time I actually didn't..those kegel exercises really do help..well they help while standing not so much while lying in bed) My intruder is about oh eighteen inches to nearly two feet tall. I'd say he goes approximately thirty to thirty five pounds. Uh huh...did I mention we have a raccoon problem at my house. I will have to do another blog totally dedicated to this little woodland creature. This same woodland creature that I am determined to murder. Yep after Wednesdays performance from him. I have Peyton's bb gun right next to the front door. I grab for the gun by the way my cat like reflexes are now hindered due to the bathroom split. Just as I get my hands on the gun the little monster scurries off my porch the sudden movement scares me and I drop the flipping gun on my foot. I think I may have actually bruised the top of it. OMG..I need to just go lay in bed until Tony and the boys come home. Otherwise they may find my body at the rate I am going. So I hobbled..cursed...hobbled..cursed..and made my way back to bed. I suppose it is safe for me to half sit half lay here and blog isn't it. Probably not..the way this night is going so far I imagine the raccoon is out there chewing his way threw my siding to the wiring and with the rain outside I am anticipating being electrocuted at any moment. My legs hurt so bad which I guess is helping to take the focus off my foot. I think I have some percocet left from the last time my back went out...but you know I think I will just stay here and live with the pain. Hey I got the right remote this time..I actually have American Idol on and there is the right sound to go with it. Crap who did they send home I missed it. Oh no I left Michelle's cookies in my purse maybe I will try to find the percocet I can grab the cookies on the way back. You know my hat goes off to that survivor man Tony is always watching. I usually make fun of him..but you know her deserves a lot or respect and admiration for what he does..I mean he gets dropped off in the middle of no where and makes his way home. I have one evening to myself in my own home and I am beginning to doubt my ability to survive it. Pray for me and if I don't blog again soon contact the authorities because with the temps warming up it will really start to stink. Oh never mind Tony and the boys will notice I am sure they will be hungry before my body begins to decay.. I need to go watch Idol. Oh and find the percocet and cookies. Now tell me that my own reality show wouldn't be better than anything they have on Fox?

Warning Warning Warning to All Dieters!!

Now as I may have mentioned...okay so maybe I have mentioned a few hundred times I am actually losing weight. This miraculous triumph I will admit has had me feeling pretty dag gone good. Yes I am fully aware that the bible does talk about pride and vanity and I know these two little monsters are not a good thing. Yet with that being said I have to say that I have been quite smitten with my ever shrinking shape.Not that I am ready for a cover shot on shape magazine or anything like that seriously there is not enough air brushing in the world to hide the flaws and scars that remain. But for a forty something mid western mother of three housewife...it will work. I think God will give me a break for staring at my self a little longer in the mirror (I truly do mean "a Little" ) See I used to do an Olympic type sprint from the bathroom to the bedroom after my shower to avoid seeing myself naked in the the giant mirror. Now with the weight loss I went from a sprint, to a jog, to a fast paced walk and over the past week or so I have even stopped. I know some would call it vanity I would call it being mesmerized by bone structure that I have not seen since at least 1994 or so. I have discovered that I still possess a rib cage..that's good right? There is even the very slightest glimpse of bones near my hips? And I am only down to one roll of back fat. And since I like to dissolution myself I blame that on my ill fitting bra. So here I am the other day after showering and I put on my unmentionables....undies...check...bra.....lock and load or I should say load and lock.....check. I decide to apply my make up and fix my hair before choosing my clothes. the recent weight loss actually has be brave enough to do that. And I am home alone anyway...did I mention the kids went to school the entire week without delay or cancellation!! Even better they have to go six days for the next four weeks..HAHAHA!! Does that make me a bad parent? Don't answer that unless it is something I want to here. I am all about positive feedback and zen. Well there I am in front of the mirror blow drying my hair that is in dire need of a cut and I notice my little bird wings aren't flapping nearly as much as they were just a month ago? In case you don't understand "bird wings" are the back part of your arm from your elbow to your shoulder. And in recent well maybe the last fifteen years I have noticed my wings get a little larger a little longer and at times have flapped so much while drying my hair or waving to a friend that I am astonished they haven't cause me injury. Honestly the bird wings were getting so bad that I began to wonder if perhaps I was growing a second set of knockers on the backs of my arms. So taken with the lack of major flapping I got side tracked and blew my hair right in my face and ended up with a long red hair in my eye. One that had detached itself from my head completely. I drop the blow dryer and stick my face in the mirror to begin the search for the stray hair that is burning so bad that I wonder if my hair was so hot when it entered my eye that it may have burnt my retna or something. Finally after what feels like an eternity I locate and dislodge this seven inch hair from my burning watery eye...OMG what the hell? Ladies here is the warning FAT FILLS IN WRINKLES!!! Yeah so I have been sooooo side lined with the discovery of new bones in my body that I have really not focused on my face. Removing foreign objects from your eyes requires that you focus on your face by the way. So along with the wonderful discovery of new bones on my body I have failed until now to notice the new lines and wrinkles on my flipping face. I know they say "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I just was oblivious that they were referring to taketh my ass and gut and giveth smile lines and crows feet. So I begin my little discussion with God. I have these little discussions quite often. Don't worry he is used to me he made me and all so don't be shocked. Oh oh oh toooooo funny God. So I see you are getting your funny on again huh? So I have prayed I have deprived myself of delectable treats, I have purchased infomercial equipment, I have purchased DVD workout tapes (even received some workout tapes as gifts...hint....hint....thanks Jan...very subtle) So you finally decide to give in to my constant request and grant me my prayer. Okay well thank you very much...but you didn't have to go and give me the face of that freaky little creature on the Lord of the Rings movies as well. Now God I know they say you can't have it all..well they mostly say women can't have it all. it seems that men can? We need to talk more about that later..right now this is between you and me. This isn't fair!! Oh I don't even want to hear the whole life isn't fair speech right now. I just seen Cindy Crawford the other day on her infomercial for "Meaningful Beauty" and she definitely has it all. They showed a split screen of a photo of her at twenty eight right next to a photo of her at forty one. Oh yeah forty one..that just happens to be my new age as well. The only thing that is different in her pics is she is prettier now than she was a twenty eight? if I were to take a photo today and put it next to a photo of me at twenty eight most folks would think wow..I sure hope that poor daughter (on the left) doesn't end up aging like her mother!! (on the right) Yes ..yes I know they say be careful what you pray for..well they say that because there is an apparent break down in communication here with us..you don't say much you know? I need specifics I need to know the rules you can't just let me go around praying and purchasing and dieting and at times even breaking a sweat for years and years then just decide to give in. Then begin making my face look like a zoomed in shot on Map Quest without warning. That is just down right mean! And I haven't even mentioned what on earth happened to the pores on my face..yeah is that a bonus? The pores on my face are so large and so deep that they could hold enough maple syrup for someone to eat a short stack from IHOP and use my face for dipping them in. He still isn't answering me! Really I mean I don't want want him appearing in the bathroom or anything like that for crying out loud. I don't want to end up like Moses and have my hair go snow white instantly or anything. Speaking of snow white hair yeah I have found those to be more and more frequent recently as well. What is up with that? What happened to the slow progression of age? Huh? You can't just go and flip a switch and voila! Once day I am a fat and happy woman who looks relatively good for her age to making me look like Estelle Getty overnight. Yes I use Estelle Getty as my reference as she was the smallest of the Golden Girls. Though I do know I am not nearly to the level of being the smallest woman in any given room...but given my propensity for disillusioning myself I decided to use Estelle. Once I realize God is not in the mood for talking right now I take matters into my own hands. By this I mean grabbing my Target gift card from Amy and Sherry I received as a birthday gift and off I go. My son Preston decides to go along with me and treat me to lunch. I never pass up a free lunch! Especially since I have decided to for go all dieting given the recent image in the mirror. I figure a little body fat is easily addressed with a good bra, a good pair of control tops and on occasion a good girdle. The right undergarments can hide a multitude of flaws. Your face on the other hand is not so easily hidden. I mean unless I decide to switch religions or something and purchase a new wardrobe consisting of burkas and veils. I am sorry I just don't see this being a good look for me. I would have a really hard time and probably even end up drowning trying to jet ski and go tubing this summer in a burka. On my way to meet up with Preston and do lunch prior to my Target shopping spree I have decided I will eat whatever I want I would prefer a nice face over a small waistline. We go to Red Robin where I am determined to eat to my hearts content and Preston is talking about how hard he has been working out and how great his diet is going. Of course upon watching him order a nice grilled chicken salad I am guilted into eating healthy as well. He is my son and I can't as a mother stuff my wrinkly face with chili cheese fries and Bacon cheeseburger right in front of him. I don't know this may have been God's reply. I really just wish he wasn't so vague sometimes. So I eat my grilled chicken breast and side salad with light vinaigrette dressing no less and head to Target. I swing through the clothing section I purchase one very cute shirt a shirt that will accentuate my newly acquired waist line. As I am leaving the clothing section Preston says " that is all you are getting?" I tell him I need to spend my gift card on other products. So we head over to the health and beauty section. I decide I need a good exfoliator, pore minimizer, tone corrector, eye cream, and a good moisturizer with SPF for day and a hydrating cream with Retinol for night. Granted my eyesight has become so bad that I have to stand on the opposite side of the aisle to read the packaging. Then once I have chosen one I have to hand it to Preston to confirm that I am actually purchasing what I think I am purchasing. He is laughing so hard at the fact that his mom is getting so old that she would spend her money on anti aging products over clothes that he can barely contain himself. Once I have chosen and confirmed with Preston that I have the right products I head two aisles down to peruse the hair dyes. I think I need to go redder! Between the grays and the ever fading of my once vibrant red hair I think this will give me a a little boost. Once again after I have confirmed with Preston that I have made the correct purchase I head to the check out. One hundred and seventeen dollars later (no my gift card did not cover all of it) the family will be okay with lunch meat sandwiches and hamburger helper for a week. They will just need to understand that sacrifices must be made in the name of beauty! After using my entire gift card and part of the grocery money Preston and I walk out of Target he is carrying my bag of goodies..or should I say bag of ammunition for this new battle. I am feeling quite good about being able to win this little war. This is when Preston turns around holds the bag up grins at me and says "hey mom what do you call this?.....youth in a bag." Is it still child abuse when your child is twenty three years old? Oh yeah and Mom..look over there is an eye mart..I hear they sell bifocals? Well aren't I just the luckiest lady on earth my children have inherited my family's warped sense of humor? So yes I am going to continue trying to lose weight while also fighting the aging battle. And if I get too warn down from trying to fight two wars at the same time. You will just see me fat and happy floating in some pool this summer looking like a gala apple I say gala apple because they have the nicest smoothest skin of all the apples. Well if I give up the battle of the bulge I need to start skimming off the top of the grocery account in order to save for a nice perfect shade of green swimsuit this summer. Because if I am going to be shaped like an apple then I really should have the right coloring for it. Besides I think green will look really good next my completely gray ridden vibrant cinnamon spiced hair. I really need to go for now I need to see if there is a website for Meaningful Beauty.