It's official. I am going to contact FOX tv I really need my own reality series. Because you know no one would really believe these things actually happen in my life. At the very least I need to have my house wired with cameras to catch this so I could at least be the biggest hit on YouTube. So if you are a facebook friend you already know that I actually have the night alone tonight. I managed to get all three penis's out of my house for the entire night. Tony (my husband) and Peyton (my youngest) went to the Columbus Bluejackets hockey game and Drake (middle son) went to a Christian Youth Rally at OSU. So here I am all excited to have the house to myself...it is so quiet that even my two jack russell's Buster and Boswell were sleeping. So I go and grab my trusty lap top slip on my PJ's hop into my bed grab the remote(s) for an entire evening to myself playing on facebook talking on the phone and most importantly eating the cookies I got from Michelle today. The same cookies that I hid in my purse to avoid having to share them with my children. Yeah I really do stuff like that. But hey..you need to give me a break these cookies were my dinner tonight. No point in cooking if no one is home right? There is fiber in sugar cookies isn't there? I only have one tv in my bedroom you would think one remote for it. Ohhhhhh noooooo I come to discover my bedroom entertainment system has no less than five flipping remotes. Come on how can one entrainment system have this many remotes. Okay well not all of them are for the tv, surround sound, cable box, dvd player, stereo. Actually found out we actually have a remote for the fan in our room. Yep you know it accidentally hit something turned it on high and oscillate. This little accident was actually good because I needed a nice breeze to cool my fueling temper. So here I am lying in my bed feeling like a queen having a castle all to herself. The looking around realizing my house doesn't so much resemble a castle. I decide to take a stab at changing the channel I need a little inspiration from HGTV. I decide to play Russian roulette with the remotes and attempt to change channels. BAD IDEA!! I manage to obviously grab the surround sound remote which is apparently linked to the DVD player..that Tony left some sort of war drama with lots of helicopters, curse words and gun fire. Did I mention that he also must have left the volume set on I-Max or something. Because as I am watching Brian Williams deliver the nightly news and I go to hit the button, suddenly the sound of gun fire is coming at me from all corners of my room and it sounds like a helicopter is landing on my roof. After I jump up after nearly peeing the bed and shaking. Trying to rescue the lap top that was perched on my lap. I look back to the TV and it seems like Brian Williams is cussing out John Yang who is reporting from somewhere. I have grabbed the wrong remote and managed to turn on the surround sound and the DVD player with one button. I am frantically trying to figure out what remote will work to turn it off so that I don't have to feel like a soldier in Iraq. or look like a Vietnam vet having a flash back. (this is why I need my own show) This is when I had the happy accident of discovering that my fan had a remote. When nothing is working and I finally give up walk over and manually turn off anything and everything in the armour. I decide to give up on HGTV and decide I will just take a long bubble bath instead and tackle this problem after a soothing bath. Plus I am hoping that the hot bath will help me to relax and stop me from shaking. A bath would also be good to freshen up a bit...remember the comment about nearly peeing the bed? Well the only reason I didn't is because even at forty one I still possess cat like reflexes and managed to jump out of the bed before it hit the mattress...can't say so much about my unmentionables. You don't think I need that medicine for bladder leakage do you? I don't think it counts if it only happens when you have the crap scared out of you. Hummm...I hope not..I don't need another middle aged ailment. Okay so having given up my electronic portion of the evening and decide on a more spa like night. A nice bubble bath is just the trick. So I run a nice bubbly tub full of water and grab my latest Janet Evanovich book. I am all settled in kicking back one paragraph in..I hear that the dogs are awake..not even just awake they are barking so loud and constant that it sounds like there must be an ax murderer in my kitchen. Really at this point I don't even care if there is..I think if there is I can take him with my Venus razor..or my mega sized bottle of Panteen. Perhaps if I turn the water back on I won't be able to hear the stupid dogs barking..naaaaahh. I can still hear them. I could put my head under the water..nooo.... that would mean I have to blow dry again..not worth it. Looks like the spa portion of my evening is over as well..hell it isn't even 7:00 yet. So I upon attempting to exit the tub I discover that Tony has swapped my Lever 2000 for Dove soap. DOVE SOAP IS NOT I REPEAT IS NOT TO BE USED IN A GARDEN TUB. Makes the damn the thing like an ice rink. When I am finally able to stand up and get my balance I hurl my right leg over the side and just as my right foot makes contact with the slate tile ole lefty decides to go for a triple Axel or something. Who knew that at forty one years old I was still even capable of doing the splits. Let alone doing the splits naked..even worse doing the splits naked and Tony isn't even home to see it. Yes I did a full split buck naked. No it isn't at all like doing them my freshman or sophomore year. My hamstrings and glutes and nearly every other part of my legs had a real issue with this little stunt. All the while the freaking dogs are still barking as I am trying to peel my naked wet injured body from the tile floor. I finally manage to limp and lean on objects to make it back to my bedroom..shut up I know it is only five or six feet the way my legs feel it may as well be the grand canyon. I am going to kill the dogs..still barking. I finally manage to get myself dressed..a nightie and undies count as dressed right. I hobble myself out to find out what is setting the stupid dogs off. I am just praying that I do have an intruder so I can kick his #^&$ for ruining my bath. I already have his demise planned I will beat him with one of the five stinking remotes in my room. Then I will finish him off with my walker that I keep in my closet. Yeah I am wondering if I need to get that out after the cheerleading stunt in the bathroom. I go out to find the idiot dogs barking at absolutely nothing!! There is no intruder in my home I don't even see signs of a mouse or anything. Then I hear something..I think someone is at the front door..holy crap..shut up dogs so I can hear. Dag nabit..I can't bend down to get in their faces to quietly tell them to have a glass of shut the hell up. I am trying to give them my "mean mommy eye". I follow that up with placing my index finger in front of my lips indicating the ssshhhh sound. Seriously you don't follow any of my voice commands but you get sign language..I really don't like them. Now with them quiet for a second I hear it again..someone is on my porch. Holy crap..what do I do..I really don't think I can fight someone off tonight with jello legs. I try to to tip toe closer to the door to see if I can hear better and identify what type of intruder is on the porch. No luck I go back to the kitchen isn't this nice..now the barking guard dogs are curled up together in their kennel. I can't see the driveway from the kitchen..I hobble my way to bedroom..crap..I don;t want to peak out the blinds whoever is out there may see me from the porch..hobble...curse...hobble...curse..finally back to the bathroom. Looking out I don't spot any vehicles in my drive. Okay so my intruder either rode his bike down to kill me or is too stupid to posses a valid drivers license. Alright now I am mad he didn't even have the sense to bring a getaway car? Oh so I don't even warrant a getaway car? That's it..hobble...curse..hobble..curse I throw open the front door nearly pee myself again. (No this time I actually didn't..those kegel exercises really do help..well they help while standing not so much while lying in bed) My intruder is about oh eighteen inches to nearly two feet tall. I'd say he goes approximately thirty to thirty five pounds. Uh huh...did I mention we have a raccoon problem at my house. I will have to do another blog totally dedicated to this little woodland creature. This same woodland creature that I am determined to murder. Yep after Wednesdays performance from him. I have Peyton's bb gun right next to the front door. I grab for the gun by the way my cat like reflexes are now hindered due to the bathroom split. Just as I get my hands on the gun the little monster scurries off my porch the sudden movement scares me and I drop the flipping gun on my foot. I think I may have actually bruised the top of it. OMG..I need to just go lay in bed until Tony and the boys come home. Otherwise they may find my body at the rate I am going. So I hobbled..cursed...hobbled..cursed..and made my way back to bed. I suppose it is safe for me to half sit half lay here and blog isn't it. Probably not..the way this night is going so far I imagine the raccoon is out there chewing his way threw my siding to the wiring and with the rain outside I am anticipating being electrocuted at any moment. My legs hurt so bad which I guess is helping to take the focus off my foot. I think I have some percocet left from the last time my back went out...but you know I think I will just stay here and live with the pain. Hey I got the right remote this time..I actually have American Idol on and there is the right sound to go with it. Crap who did they send home I missed it. Oh no I left Michelle's cookies in my purse maybe I will try to find the percocet I can grab the cookies on the way back. You know my hat goes off to that survivor man Tony is always watching. I usually make fun of him..but you know her deserves a lot or respect and admiration for what he does..I mean he gets dropped off in the middle of no where and makes his way home. I have one evening to myself in my own home and I am beginning to doubt my ability to survive it. Pray for me and if I don't blog again soon contact the authorities because with the temps warming up it will really start to stink. Oh never mind Tony and the boys will notice I am sure they will be hungry before my body begins to decay.. I need to go watch Idol. Oh and find the percocet and cookies. Now tell me that my own reality show wouldn't be better than anything they have on Fox?