Warning Warning Warning to All Dieters!!

Now as I may have mentioned...okay so maybe I have mentioned a few hundred times I am actually losing weight. This miraculous triumph I will admit has had me feeling pretty dag gone good. Yes I am fully aware that the bible does talk about pride and vanity and I know these two little monsters are not a good thing. Yet with that being said I have to say that I have been quite smitten with my ever shrinking shape.Not that I am ready for a cover shot on shape magazine or anything like that seriously there is not enough air brushing in the world to hide the flaws and scars that remain. But for a forty something mid western mother of three housewife...it will work. I think God will give me a break for staring at my self a little longer in the mirror (I truly do mean "a Little" ) See I used to do an Olympic type sprint from the bathroom to the bedroom after my shower to avoid seeing myself naked in the the giant mirror. Now with the weight loss I went from a sprint, to a jog, to a fast paced walk and over the past week or so I have even stopped. I know some would call it vanity I would call it being mesmerized by bone structure that I have not seen since at least 1994 or so. I have discovered that I still possess a rib cage..that's good right? There is even the very slightest glimpse of bones near my hips? And I am only down to one roll of back fat. And since I like to dissolution myself I blame that on my ill fitting bra. So here I am the other day after showering and I put on my unmentionables....undies...check...bra.....lock and load or I should say load and lock.....check. I decide to apply my make up and fix my hair before choosing my clothes. the recent weight loss actually has be brave enough to do that. And I am home alone anyway...did I mention the kids went to school the entire week without delay or cancellation!! Even better they have to go six days for the next four weeks..HAHAHA!! Does that make me a bad parent? Don't answer that unless it is something I want to here. I am all about positive feedback and zen. Well there I am in front of the mirror blow drying my hair that is in dire need of a cut and I notice my little bird wings aren't flapping nearly as much as they were just a month ago? In case you don't understand "bird wings" are the back part of your arm from your elbow to your shoulder. And in recent well maybe the last fifteen years I have noticed my wings get a little larger a little longer and at times have flapped so much while drying my hair or waving to a friend that I am astonished they haven't cause me injury. Honestly the bird wings were getting so bad that I began to wonder if perhaps I was growing a second set of knockers on the backs of my arms. So taken with the lack of major flapping I got side tracked and blew my hair right in my face and ended up with a long red hair in my eye. One that had detached itself from my head completely. I drop the blow dryer and stick my face in the mirror to begin the search for the stray hair that is burning so bad that I wonder if my hair was so hot when it entered my eye that it may have burnt my retna or something. Finally after what feels like an eternity I locate and dislodge this seven inch hair from my burning watery eye...OMG what the hell? Ladies here is the warning FAT FILLS IN WRINKLES!!! Yeah so I have been sooooo side lined with the discovery of new bones in my body that I have really not focused on my face. Removing foreign objects from your eyes requires that you focus on your face by the way. So along with the wonderful discovery of new bones on my body I have failed until now to notice the new lines and wrinkles on my flipping face. I know they say "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I just was oblivious that they were referring to taketh my ass and gut and giveth smile lines and crows feet. So I begin my little discussion with God. I have these little discussions quite often. Don't worry he is used to me he made me and all so don't be shocked. Oh oh oh toooooo funny God. So I see you are getting your funny on again huh? So I have prayed I have deprived myself of delectable treats, I have purchased infomercial equipment, I have purchased DVD workout tapes (even received some workout tapes as gifts...hint....hint....thanks Jan...very subtle) So you finally decide to give in to my constant request and grant me my prayer. Okay well thank you very much...but you didn't have to go and give me the face of that freaky little creature on the Lord of the Rings movies as well. Now God I know they say you can't have it all..well they mostly say women can't have it all. it seems that men can? We need to talk more about that later..right now this is between you and me. This isn't fair!! Oh I don't even want to hear the whole life isn't fair speech right now. I just seen Cindy Crawford the other day on her infomercial for "Meaningful Beauty" and she definitely has it all. They showed a split screen of a photo of her at twenty eight right next to a photo of her at forty one. Oh yeah forty one..that just happens to be my new age as well. The only thing that is different in her pics is she is prettier now than she was a twenty eight? if I were to take a photo today and put it next to a photo of me at twenty eight most folks would think wow..I sure hope that poor daughter (on the left) doesn't end up aging like her mother!! (on the right) Yes ..yes I know they say be careful what you pray for..well they say that because there is an apparent break down in communication here with us..you don't say much you know? I need specifics I need to know the rules you can't just let me go around praying and purchasing and dieting and at times even breaking a sweat for years and years then just decide to give in. Then begin making my face look like a zoomed in shot on Map Quest without warning. That is just down right mean! And I haven't even mentioned what on earth happened to the pores on my face..yeah is that a bonus? The pores on my face are so large and so deep that they could hold enough maple syrup for someone to eat a short stack from IHOP and use my face for dipping them in. He still isn't answering me! Really I mean I don't want want him appearing in the bathroom or anything like that for crying out loud. I don't want to end up like Moses and have my hair go snow white instantly or anything. Speaking of snow white hair yeah I have found those to be more and more frequent recently as well. What is up with that? What happened to the slow progression of age? Huh? You can't just go and flip a switch and voila! Once day I am a fat and happy woman who looks relatively good for her age to making me look like Estelle Getty overnight. Yes I use Estelle Getty as my reference as she was the smallest of the Golden Girls. Though I do know I am not nearly to the level of being the smallest woman in any given room...but given my propensity for disillusioning myself I decided to use Estelle. Once I realize God is not in the mood for talking right now I take matters into my own hands. By this I mean grabbing my Target gift card from Amy and Sherry I received as a birthday gift and off I go. My son Preston decides to go along with me and treat me to lunch. I never pass up a free lunch! Especially since I have decided to for go all dieting given the recent image in the mirror. I figure a little body fat is easily addressed with a good bra, a good pair of control tops and on occasion a good girdle. The right undergarments can hide a multitude of flaws. Your face on the other hand is not so easily hidden. I mean unless I decide to switch religions or something and purchase a new wardrobe consisting of burkas and veils. I am sorry I just don't see this being a good look for me. I would have a really hard time and probably even end up drowning trying to jet ski and go tubing this summer in a burka. On my way to meet up with Preston and do lunch prior to my Target shopping spree I have decided I will eat whatever I want I would prefer a nice face over a small waistline. We go to Red Robin where I am determined to eat to my hearts content and Preston is talking about how hard he has been working out and how great his diet is going. Of course upon watching him order a nice grilled chicken salad I am guilted into eating healthy as well. He is my son and I can't as a mother stuff my wrinkly face with chili cheese fries and Bacon cheeseburger right in front of him. I don't know this may have been God's reply. I really just wish he wasn't so vague sometimes. So I eat my grilled chicken breast and side salad with light vinaigrette dressing no less and head to Target. I swing through the clothing section I purchase one very cute shirt a shirt that will accentuate my newly acquired waist line. As I am leaving the clothing section Preston says " that is all you are getting?" I tell him I need to spend my gift card on other products. So we head over to the health and beauty section. I decide I need a good exfoliator, pore minimizer, tone corrector, eye cream, and a good moisturizer with SPF for day and a hydrating cream with Retinol for night. Granted my eyesight has become so bad that I have to stand on the opposite side of the aisle to read the packaging. Then once I have chosen one I have to hand it to Preston to confirm that I am actually purchasing what I think I am purchasing. He is laughing so hard at the fact that his mom is getting so old that she would spend her money on anti aging products over clothes that he can barely contain himself. Once I have chosen and confirmed with Preston that I have the right products I head two aisles down to peruse the hair dyes. I think I need to go redder! Between the grays and the ever fading of my once vibrant red hair I think this will give me a a little boost. Once again after I have confirmed with Preston that I have made the correct purchase I head to the check out. One hundred and seventeen dollars later (no my gift card did not cover all of it) the family will be okay with lunch meat sandwiches and hamburger helper for a week. They will just need to understand that sacrifices must be made in the name of beauty! After using my entire gift card and part of the grocery money Preston and I walk out of Target he is carrying my bag of goodies..or should I say bag of ammunition for this new battle. I am feeling quite good about being able to win this little war. This is when Preston turns around holds the bag up grins at me and says "hey mom what do you call this?.....youth in a bag." Is it still child abuse when your child is twenty three years old? Oh yeah and Mom..look over there is an eye mart..I hear they sell bifocals? Well aren't I just the luckiest lady on earth my children have inherited my family's warped sense of humor? So yes I am going to continue trying to lose weight while also fighting the aging battle. And if I get too warn down from trying to fight two wars at the same time. You will just see me fat and happy floating in some pool this summer looking like a gala apple I say gala apple because they have the nicest smoothest skin of all the apples. Well if I give up the battle of the bulge I need to start skimming off the top of the grocery account in order to save for a nice perfect shade of green swimsuit this summer. Because if I am going to be shaped like an apple then I really should have the right coloring for it. Besides I think green will look really good next my completely gray ridden vibrant cinnamon spiced hair. I really need to go for now I need to see if there is a website for Meaningful Beauty.