Insanity

I think 2016 is proof that evolution of mankind has hit a big bump in the road. I thought the longer our species inhabited this big blue ball called earth we become wiser kinder more enlightened and just better all around. Instead it seems that mankind has hit a huge pot hole or a big hill we can’t get over. The world seems to be getting more bitter more divided and closer to our own demise. To be honest it really scares me. It makes me want to act like and ostrich and stick my head in the sand. I don’t want’ to turn on my television or open my social media apps for fear of what I will see next. I see so much hatred and division in our world and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. We have coexisted on this planet for a really long time I can’t say how long because depending on your own beliefs I risk offending some. I certainly don’t want to start another debate on another subject. 

There is so much anger, hate, judgement and bitterness and I see it destroying all of us. I feel like we literally use anything we can find to spark another controversy or debate. Ironically I just seen a story that a picture of Victoria Beckham kissing her child has gone viral and is sparking a debate if it is okay to kiss your child? Are you freaking serious? According to news sources Ms. Beckham posted a photo on her Instagram and it went viral. Now we have kissing parents vs. non kissing parents. Really? Really? Is this necessary do we truly need one more subject to take sides on. Have we reached a point where we have to defend our right to kiss or not kiss our children. If I kiss my child in public will there be a protest will someone call the police. Can we call the police? What if there are black people nearby? Don’t cops hate black people? Black people hate cops right? What if some of the cops are democrats? The republicans hate them? What if there is a republican nearby? Won’t that republican attack me for kissing my child? Wouldn’t that republican scream at me that I am making my child gay? Republicans hate gays? What if a Muslim was driving by and seen me kiss my child? OMG are they going to have me stoned in the town square? I mean they already hate me simply  for being a Christian? I hate them because they are terrorist? There wouldn’t so many Muslim terrorist if the damn Liberals would crack down on immigration? Those democrats just letting everyone and anyone come to our country taking our American jobs from us? Wait they aren't taking our jobs they all come here get on government assistance and milk the system don’t they? Perhaps I would luck out and a gay person would be there. They would support me kissing my child they are all pedophiles aren’t they? I read that they are on the internet. Perhaps my overt affection for my child will make them gay? The gay community would love that it helps their recruitment process doesn't it? If only I had a concealed carry permit I could pull out my AR15 and fire a warning shot to disperse the growing crowd? That would’t work I would draw attention. There could be a vegan nearby. If the Vegan  takes cover near my car they will see the McDonald’s bag in my car. He will attack me for being a meat eater? The vegan screaming about my food choices would cause the Mommy Police to spot the box of Cheez Its and accuse me of child abuse for not buying organic brussel sprouts because they taste just as good as Cheez its? The environmentalist would be screaming at the mommy police for noticing the cheez its and not noticing they are in a big gas guzzling SUV or the bulk non recycled paper towels in the back of it? The republicans might step in and support me because I had a child instead of an abortion? The democrats might step in to support me because I didn’t have a concealed carry to protect myself. The gays would then turn on me because they realized I am straight wouldn’t they? The Muslims would want me dead for kissing in public and dressing like a whore? Half of the Christians would begin a prayer circle for my soul the other half would be making signs that all gays are an abomination and are doomed to hell? Now the transgendered are screaming at me because they see my son playing with a Tonka truck.They want to know why I didn't buy him a Barbie doll? When I try to explain that he wanted  it they say it’s because society and I have brainwashed him into thinking he wanted it? The health nuts would be attacking me for being overweight. The feminist would be defending me with signs that a woman is more than a size or weight? The feminist could argue with the health nuts that instead of worrying about my size they should be asking why I don’t get equal pay as the man does? I don’t even have a job! When the republicans hear this they scream at me for living off the system. When I explain that my husband works and I don’t live off the system. The blacks turn on me for having white privilege. The democrats turn on me assuming I am a republican. The gays turn on me for being straight. The health nuts turn on me for being fat. The feminist turn on me for depending on a man. The environmentalist shame me for driving an SUV. The Mommy police for poisoning my child with junk food. The Christians and Muslims turn on me for loving my gay brothers. The republicans turn on me for not owning a gun. Before I know the entire crowd has turned on me for one reason or another. Except for this one guy he has been walking through the parking lot during the whole adventure staring at his phone he has no idea whats going on. He is hunting Pokemon. Which of course upsets the Japanese anime folks! And this my friends is the world today!  

She was so Fat!...... How Fat Was She?

She was so fat!....How fat was she?

She was so fat she could pull in more prize money than the Champion Heffer at the local county fair! Now don't start getting all out of shape thinking that I am bashing size challenged people. The she I am referring to is me!!

Okay perhaps I should back up a little but according to my Diva Sister my butt may make that annoying beep beep beep sound if I back up like those giant wide load trucks. Alright I will get back on track, let me start from the beginning. I don't mean the beginning as if from birth but, I should point out that I was a large baby. I was born nine pounds twelve and one half ounces. My mother always feels compelled to add that one half ounce. Sometimes she even likes to follow up the additional one half ounce statement by adding that I alone was nearly the combined weight of my twin brothers born 6 years prior to me. So in all fairness I started off way ahead of the curve in the weight department. So I was behind the eight ball to start with combined with the facts that I am forty four years old and I have three children I haven't felt too bad about my weight lately. I am a totally respectable size 10 through 14! Why you ask such a large range of sizes? Well there are many factors that play into which size I am from week to week or even day to day. Factors like: Make and or model of pants, number of Zumba moves I snuck in while sweeping, folding laundry, doing dishes and crawling around under beds looking for dirty socks and wet towels. (The towels are another subject I have teenage boys!) ICK!
How many little Debbie cakes my family drove me to sneak eat in the laundry room. And many other factors to lengthy to mention.

So I woke up yesterday in a fairly good mood for a 40 something hormonal stay at home mother. I was even motivated had my bed made before 6:45 am and a load of laundry in the dryer before seven. Feeling quite chipper for a Wednesday morning I was just about to head to the kitchen to whip up a batch of no bake cookies. I had promised some to my Diva Sister and I thought I would be nice and make some take them to her. Well Diva Sissy blew her chance at those. As I was walking to my kitchen I noticed I had a message on my cell that said "Call Me". Thinking something was seriously wrong I immediately grabbed my home phone and dialed. When she answered I told her I seen her message and called to see if everything was okay. She said "yes everything is fine. I just called to tell you about this party I went to last night. It was for those Body by Vi products. Have you heard of them?" I said "yes I have heard of them in fact my neighbor sells them and I have tried some samples." She said have you heard of the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge?" "Yes I have why are you selling them now?" She said "No I am not selling them. I did however get a couple of free kits at the party and I wanted to see if you would be interested in having one of the kits. I will only give it to you if you promise you will actually do it. I don't want the products just going to waste." I said "Yes I will do the shakes and supplements I like their stuff I just haven't been able to afford the $200 plus price tag lately.

This is where the conversation begins it's decline. Sissy says "well when I went to the party and I seen how well so many people did on these products I couldn't help but think of you. I know you would do really well with them. I am going to do one of the kits myself because I want to lose about 10 pounds. I know I know everyone says they don't notice any weight gain on me but, I have gained. I usually weigh around 150 but with lack of exercise this summer I am actually closer to about 160 lately. After I heard some of the testimonials I know you would be successful with this." Now this is where it gets good!! She says "Jami if you would start these products tomorrow I would bet you could lose 40 POUNDS by Thanksgiving and then you would only have about ten or fifteen more to lose!! What the #%$%@ did she just say??!! So I take a deep breathe and remind myself that she is old and it is still fairly early in the morning and I play nice like Momma always said I should. (plus I want the products before I run my chops.) She says she will meet me later in town to give me my box of stuff. I hang up without my head exploding.

So after hanging up with my head intact. I keep rethinking the conversation which in turn causes me to try and do math as well as a little mind reading. Okay so my five foot two sister  says she wants to lose about ten pounds to get back down to 150 pounds. Followed by her statement that I could lose 40 pounds by Thanksgiving leaving me only another 15 pounds more to lose to not be a complete lard butt. Now let's see I am five foot six inches tall that is four inches taller than her. I would assume she would allow a taller person to weigh more than a short person right.!  Okay I wonder how many pounds she would allot per inch? And has she even thought about my Boobs? I mean these suckers alone account for a good fifteen pounds at least!  Couple with her statement that no one has noticed her 160 pounds on her five foot nothing frame.  How freaking fat does she think I am?? So after failing to do math this early and my lack of mind reading ability I give up. I just assume that my sister feels I am currently weighing in at over two hundred pounds. So I manage to get off of the phone without losing my mind and keeping my mouth shut. Thank God I have been reading a lot of Wayne Dwyer and Gabby Bernstein books lately.

Sissy calls me back a couple of hours later and ask if I can meet her at the local Chiropractor at around three today to get my "Don't Be A Lard A$$ Kit". (My Name not hers) So I arrive at the Chiropractors office on time  and skinny sissy is late. When she does arrive she has out dear sweet mother with her. She ask if I would be able to take Momma to her hair appointment and drop her off so she won't be late and she will get her after he Chiropractor appointment. I say no problem. And once again the conversation goes south only this time Momma is here to witness so I can't choke her in front of mother. Because apparently I was thinner this morning than I am in the afternoon. Because now sissy says, "If you start this tomorrow you should have 50 pounds off by Christmas and 10 or fifteen more after you should be at your goal!!" Oh Really My Goal huh? I want to inform her that my goal is not to be anorexic and my goal is not to look like the flipping crypt keeper! But my Momma is there so I behave. Apparently with Mother in tow she is feeling extra brave. Because her next statement is "Hey now before you start this program tomorrow make sure you have the boys take a picture of you for the contest." What contest? She says" Well they have a contest and you could win up to $10,000.00 for losing the weight but you have to have before and after pics. " So let me get this straight I am now so $#%# fat that I could pull in more prize money than the Grand Champion Heifer at the county fair. I mean of course I don't say this because my elderly mother is present. This location isn't optimal for assaulting someone there are too many witnesses and cars driving down State Route 22. So like the Good Lord Jesus said I turned the other cheek. Even though there were a couple of other cheeks I was considering asking her to kiss.

So this morning I have already done my breakfast shake and taken my supplements like a good little heifer should. I already have my lunch shake ready. If I do happen to be fat enough that I could win prize money for this you can bet your butt this little piggy won't be taking her sissy to the market with her! So sissy if you read this I will do the program I will not however be losing no 50 plus pounds because first off I don't need to! Second off I like a little curve on me. Third fat fills in wrinkles. Fourth every time I get skinny I get pregnant. And so help me God if I lose weight and get pregnant you will meet your maker!!

The Longest Winter

Oh my oh my is this a keyboard I am touching??? Wow I feel like I haven't sat down to write anything in forever. I believe I am currently experiencing the longest winter in history which apparently it is still winter in spite of what the calendar says...because I think the calendar and the thermometer must be having some sort of disagreement. This gets me to thinking of another disagreement that I have.....it is about hell. After this long winter which seems to be hanging on for dear life I am beginning to believe that everything I have been told about hell is not true. All those stupid sayings about hell like "hotter than hell" or "people in hell want ice water". I personally feel that people in hell can produce their own ice water I think what people in hell want is actually hot chocolate with marshmallows in it. Because I think hell is cold and gloomy and freezing and I bet it snows or rains or sleets or hails most days. And the days that you actually do get to see the sunshine it is just a trick because although the sun may be shining brightly the winds will be blowing so hard that the wind chill will still make it seem like it is freezing out. It really is probably a whole lot like winter in central Ohio. Except in hell instead of it lasting only six or seven months a year it is year round so I will give them that. But with that said at least those folks doomed to eternity there they don't have telecommunication there I am willing to bet they don't get a good signal there like I do here in the glorious Buckeye state. So at least those folks don't have to get calls from the folks walking on the streets paved of gold like I have to get from my brother and sister who are in Florida who feel compelled to call me to let me know how hot it is. My sister has even begun to recruit her friends to harass me as well. They like to call me from the beach to ask if I can call them back in like thirty minutes so they don't forget to turn over on the blanket so one side of their bodies doesn't get sunburned!! I won't even tell you what my response to that request was since I don't like to put my profanity in writing I try to keep most of those kinds of words in my head although I will admit occasionally one to fifteen may slip out. Even those that do slip out from time to time are not my fault I blame them on the fluctuation in hormone levels that women of a certain age suffer from. Really the only thing to look forward to during winter in central Ohio is THE Ohio State Buckeyes and I actually thought that was going really well this year. My football bucks went to a bowl game and actually won it instead of suffering a humiliating loss on national tv like they have been known to do. Then my basketball Bucks have a stellar season on the court well at least until it really mattered. I am not quite sure what "in the cold hell" happens to my Buckeyes nearly every stinking year. It is like they game plan goes something like this. I picture Thad Matta (who my husband refers to as "stigmata" and it cracks him up every time he says it) Yea I don't why either???? gives them a pep talk something like this. Hey fellas I believe in you, all your fans and the entire Buckeye nation believes in you. You are strong talented gifted young men with more skill and more heart than any other team in the country. I want you boys to play hard and win. I want you to win nearly every single game all season long play with the heart for this sport that I know you all possess and show the world how talented and undefeatable you all are. I want you to break records and humiliate your opponents on the court. Now I want you to do all this all the way until we either get to the NCAA National Championship or at least really really close to it then don't do that anymore. Just kick back a rest on your amazing regular season play. I think Tressel gives a very similar speech to my football bucks most years as well. You know I would almost rather they have a mediocre season barely even make it to the tournament then pull an upset at the end to win it. Then for them to play hard break records get all our hopes up then crash and burn when it really counts. Their season was just another trick on Ohio just like when you look out and see the sun is shining and you think it is actually going to be a nice warm sunny day then you walk outside and find that accompanying the sun is a cold brisk wind straight out of the north. (and you know what is north don't ya???? yeah that's right Michigan!!!) Nothing good ever comes out of the north. The jet stream, the Arctic blast, the lake affect snow and Michigan with all their fans can all stay north if you asked me. So the next time I irritate someone (which by the way is very very very rare) and in anger they tell me to go to hell...I can just say I would but I already live there it is a little place called Ohio. In fact I think I have a new motto for the Buckeye state it is this "Ohio...can't tan.....can't win!!! I need to go for now perhaps I will stop by the Red Barn to see if I can have that put on a bumper sticker!! Plus I am currently taking any and all suggestions for my revenge on my sister who returns home in May..

Happiness on Wheels!

Do you all remember how excited you would get when the ice cream truck would come down your street when you were just a little kid? Today I was sitting at home thinking about my memories of the ice cream man. Granted he was probably stoned out of his mind while he was peddling his sweet treats to us it was still such an exciting day when he would show up. You could be sitting inside watching TV or playing outside in your yard and you would hear him long before you could see him. That psychotic carnival music blaring through the streets and I would dig in the couch and every drawer in the house hoping I could locate enough pocket change to get at least one ooey gooey treat off of the truck. It was so exciting on the days he would show up in our neighborhood. Well today when I was sitting down for a much needed break after my weekend from hell and I had what Oprah would possibly refer to as an "Ah Ha Moment" why isn't there anything close to an ice cream man for adults? Something that would show up randomly on your street or in your neighborhood that would just make your day. Granted I know as we get older and husbands, kids, jobs and families suck the life out of us the ice cream truck arriving wouldn't really brighten our days. Especially once we begin to age we worry about caloric intake and cholesterol and fat grams and crap like that. Then I thought about it ice cream may not stir in us the excitement that it once did....but alcohol could! So I had this great idea that I could purchase an old ice cream truck and instead of delivering ice cream to the children throughout the neighborhoods I would deliver drinks to housewives (domestic engineers) and stay at home moms. I could change that psychotic clown music and perhaps play Happy Days are Here Again or Fat Bottomed Girls would blare out through the sound system. I can just picture it now all the women in their sweat pants and pony tails (I know Mary you would be sporting a banana clip) but I would serve you anyway. And those other like me who may even still be in their night shirts and robes running out of their homes when they hear me coming to town. All those lonely wives and mommy's running down the street after my cool truck acting like it is Christmas day! I could serve them any alcoholic drink their little hearts desired from PBR to Cosmos. I could even provide sanity service for those suffering really bad days I would sell liquor by the bottle and six packs or twelve packs to take home as well. I could even sell little flask with my company logo of course to all my customers at an inflated price and occasionally offer free refills just like they do at Taco Bell. I am still contemplating the name of my new company. Perhaps "Your in Luck Truck" or "Sanity on Wheels" I am not sure yet I am still tossing the name idea around and I am open for suggestions. I just really think it is one of those ideas that is right up there with the wheel or sliced bread. I think it would be a great service to the community as it could prevent drinking and driving and it would also prevent those encounters at the local Wal-mart and Kroger with the Mommy that perhaps hit the sauce a little too hard that morning and is now purchasing nothing but pizza rolls, frozen pizza, potato chips and Little Debbie treats and juice boxes as the weeks groceries. It would also improve the lives of those who don't partake in the "devils water" because the lines would move faster since sober women can unload their carts much faster than the drunk ones can. I swear it took a woman in front of me one time nearly twenty minutes to unload her cart because she kept dropping her items and couldn't quit giggling every time she would bend down to pick up her item and stand back up she obviously got some sort of head rush. Although I will admit it was entertaining to watch it got irritating after about ten minutes. What was even funnier is I checked out after her with many more groceries and she was still in the parking lot trying to load her purchases into her car when I got to the parking lot. This was entertaining as well but I couldn't stick around to see if she ever actually accomplished this task. I felt at the time as much as I wanted to stay and watch I thought it best to be on my way home and hopefully off of the road before she fired up her ignition. Another benefit is I would under no circumstances open my business prior to noon as I have always heard that drinking before noon is considered taboo and it means you have an issue. I just know this is a business that could take off and make me millions. Just think about the job security it would have. It would be nearly as good as being a nurse or doctor since they say there will always be sick people. Or a lawyer because we live in a litigious society or a teacher since someone has to teach our kids to read (especially since mommy is too sauced up to). Well as far as I can tell we will always have drunks and call me cynical but as long as there are children and husbands I don't know of any woman who hasn't occasionally thought about how great a little "happy mommy sauce" would be on any given weekday afternoon? I mean I wouldn't just cater to the hardcore line dancing drink a man under the table women I would offer the foo foo drinks to those ladies just looking to take the edge off the day. Just a little something to calm the nerves before the kids come flying off the school bus or the hubby pulls in the drive asking what's for dinner. I really feel that this idea could improve marriages and make mommy time a whole lot more pleasant for the kids. There would be no losing your patience while working on homework and you wouldn't even care if they made their stupid beds. I am sure boyfriends and husbands would be much happier because everyone knows that alcohol tends to cause women to let down their guard and feel rather amorous. Frankly I think it is a great idea that would benefit the entire family. I still need to spend some more time figuring out what to name it. So if you have any suggestions I open to all ideas or if you can think of what songs I could play on the new mobile sanity vehicle to lure the women away from their washing machines, dishwashers and vacuum cleaners I will consider those ideas as well. And for those critics out their who would suggest that some women would possibly tip the bottle a little too much I say this to you. At least she won't be drinking and driving. And what husband or kid would complain that they were fed pizza, potato chips and a side of Little Debbie Nutty Bars for dinner. Not to mention that hubby wouldn't even care if the house was cleaned or not since his potential to have some of his own quality time with is lady would increase ten fold. So I am really having a hard time seeing a down side to this. Just the sheer joy of this job would be great I mean you would be viewed as something along the lines of Santa Claus of the Easter Bunny spreading joy happiness and most of all sanity where ever your wheels take you. And for you women out their who not interested in consuming alcohol because your lives, husbands and children are just sooooo flipping perfect well I could employ you. That way you could see how the rest of the non perfect people live. Please leave all suggestions in the comment section or on my facebook. I will post job openings as soon as they are available but for now I really need to go as I have to do some research about how to obtain a liquor license. Until next time ladies "Cheers!!!"

Who Knew Dead Mice Could Fly???

OMG I never ever thought I would be so happy to see Monday come! The last two weekends has convinced me that I must have been a really terrible person in a previous life or something. I am thinking perhaps I was Bruce Ismay (the dude who told the Captain of the Titanic to speed up the ship thereby killing all those people.) Or maybe I was Lizzy Borden or something. So the entire week was crazy busy with the big old Pumpkin Show in town. On Wednesday after dropping Drake off at is new internship at the Columbus Museum of Art on the ride home I had to pee really really bad and having a bit of a phobia of public restroom facilities I decided to call my brother Brent who lives downtown to see if I could swing in to use his nice clean non-public facility. Brent said he was home and to come on by I fly down and illegally park my vehicle and nearly run to his door which is hard to do when you legs are crossed! I run in past Brent headed for the bathroom and take a tumble down the stairs twisting my ankle into a position that God did not intend for it to go. Crying in pain and limping on my quest for a toilet to alleviate myself of what is left of the pee that didn't come out when the pain shot through my body. I have to nearly crawl back up the stairs at Brent's while his lovely little dog Milo is jumping on me and licking my face repeatedly I finally make my way to his couch so he can take a look at my ankle that I am convinced is broken. Upon Dr. Brent's examination he determines it is not broken perhaps severely sprained. He says I should get home stay off my foot and put ice on it. I explain to him that this is not an option for me as I have to get my great niece Paige ready for the Little Miss Pumpkin Show contest and take her through the parade. (she didn't win by the way) This little bathroom break caused me to hobble around the Pumpkin Show for the next two days in two different ankle braces at the same time. See I had to go to the Pumpkin Show on Thursday as well because I promised my Momma that I could take her down to see the OSU Marching Band in the parade. Plus even if my ankle was broke I was not going to miss a chance to see my Buckeyes the best damn band in the land!! So I spent another entire day at Pumpkin Show with my lame foot pushing my Momma in a wheelchair which was an intriguing site to see! I can say I am grateful that my sissy Jan is nuts and had chairs already set up in the parade route before six am that morning so I at least had a place to sit for the next eight hours (between food runs that is) Food runs you say well my diet for Thursday consisted of the following: corn dog, french fries, steak on-a-stick, fried cheese, deep fried strawberries, pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, kettle corn, and this yummy baked thing called a Bee Sting, which I will say is a little piece of heaven on a plate! After the parade and wrestling my mother in her wheel chair through the insane crowd and getting her home and back to my house which was nearly midnight. I realized that I forgot that I had made plans with one of my best girl friends Jonda for a day of shopping on Friday. I guess there really is no rest for the wicked! It should go without saying that considering my diet choices on Thursday I woke up on Friday with just a wee bit of stomach trouble. My stomach was so bloated it looked as though I were at least five months pregnant I was beginning to wonder if I should start picking out baby names. I felt like death warmed over is it possible to have a food hangover? Even with my gimp foot and the sudden onset of IBS I was not going to miss the opportunity to shop with my girl. It had only been like twenty years since we had a day to ourselves without husbands or kids and just the two of us. We had a great time in spite of my stomach interrupting our conversation occasionally throughout the day. Jonda brought me home and came in to say hello to Tony. She asked if she could use the restroom before leaving to go home. I told her to go in and use the master bath (the recently remodeled one that only took me ten years to get Tony to do and I am so proud of) Tony informs us that she can't use the master bath because there is some "plumbing issues" in there she needs to use the boys bathroom which, is the equivalent of using a public restroom at a truck stop since I haven't been in there to clean for the past three days and my children are pigs. I asked Tony what was going on in the bathroom and he said the toilet won't flush and the seal must have broken and the bathtub won't drain as well as the sink. The whole time he is talking all I can think about is my many many visits to the restroom this morning and perhaps our outdated plumbing system wasn't equipped to handle the massive amount of Pumpkin Show poo. I of course don't mention the events of this morning to Tony as I feel he would never look at me the same way again if I were to confess my intestinal issues to him. Tony and I decide that since we do have one working bathroom we will wait to call a plumber on Saturday. I woke up on Saturday morning at five o'clock out of guilt for neglecting my household duties for three straight days and more than likely there will be a plumber arriving later today I don't want him to judge me for my dirty house. I dive right into dusting and dishes and picking up every item my children have left lying around I realize that there is dirty laundry everywhere. I decide to go ahead and start the first of what looks to be at least five loads of laundry. I swear I think my boys are like girls when getting ready. They must have tried on or worn nearly every article of clothing in there closets. Since they don't know to hang anything back up or put anything in their dressers they have clean clothes mixed with dirty clothes all over their bedrooms and bath. I have mentioned this to my children several times about them doing this and how many times I probably wash clean clothes and how much time and energy I spend on it. Peyton told me instead of doing that I should just sniff each item to see if it has an odor!! Really you want me to sniff each item huh? You think it is my duty to sniff the pits of your shirts not to mention your underwear because you all are to dag gone lazy to put your crap away. I begin my first load of laundry and as the wash cycle is ending Tony comes flying out of the bedroom asking very loudly I might add "what in the hell am I doing out here because I have flooded the bathroom." I explain that I was just doing some laundry. Apparently the washer decided to join the party and not drain either! I tell Tony to calm down I will grab the mop and bucket and clean up the flood. He says no just let him have a cup of coffee first and he will go out to the shed to get the shop vac and clean it up himself. No argument from me. After getting is coffee fix he goes out to the shed and returns with the shop vac he tells me to grab the mop and bucket and I can follow behind him to get what the shop vac doesn't pick up. This is the part where the weekend got really really I mean really seriously bad!!!! So Tony plugs in his handy dandy water sucking machine and did you know that shop vacs have some sort of exhaust on them that blow out air as the water gets sucked in? When he turns the damn thing on to begin sucking the exhaust thingy starts shooting a bunch of stuff out of it there is stuff flying everywhere clear into our bedroom. When the shop vac started shooting God knows what out of it I of course went running out of the room screaming. The next thing I know Tony is screaming and yelling for me to come back in and saying a few choice words. When I peak my head back in he says I have to come help him clean up because apparently a mouse had built a nest in the shop vac in our shed and it must have been the worlds worse mommy mouse because there are dead baby mice all over the place. OMG the thought of dead baby mice being shot out of the vac like a cannon into my bath and bedroom cause me to go running for the working toilet where I puke once again for the second weekend in a row I am vomiting!! After completing my round of bulimia I return to find Tony is still yelling and telling me to get in there and help him. Now it is my turn to be loud and let him know under no circumstances will I ever help clean up the dead mice that have been shot out all over the place. He can yell all he wants but it ain't gonna happen, not in this life or the next!!! Got it!! So let's see here the bathroom is still flooded, there are dead mice in my bathroom and bedroom I can't do dishes, I can't do laundry, I can't take a shower, I can't leave because the kids want a ride to the stupid Pumpkin Show and need more money to go on and flipping Rotor Rooter promises to be here by FOUR O'CLOCK TODAY!!! A couple of hours later after Tony has cleaned up the dead flying mice and the water from the bathroom I decide it is best if I take my book and sit outside away from him otherwise I fear there could be a murder suicide or at the very least a domestic disturbance call to the local sheriff and I really don't want to go to jail today since I haven't even had a shower. As I am sitting outside with my little Berlin and my good book (Nora Roberts) I am almost completely calmed down from the earlier trauma I have suffered when two vehicles pull into my driveway. I am thinking if these are Jehovah Witnesses they are going to get an earful from me. I am in no mood for visitors and certainly not in the mood to discuss the Lord! He and I are obviously on the outs it appears! When all of the people spill out of the vehicles I see that it is my sister in law Tonya, her son Zach with his wife and new baby, her son Austin as well as her youngest son Jayden! Did I mention that my sister in law Tonya I think has OCD and has the cleanest most organized home I have ever been in in my entire life. I don't even like to visit her house because it is way to clean and organized and I fear I would leave an ass print on her couch or perhaps I would have lint or a stray hair on her perfectly vacuumed carpet or leave a foot print on her perfectly polished hardwood floor. Seriously I wanna know what contest in hell I have won??? I tell Tonya that we are having plumbing issues to explain why I am sitting in my dirty sweats and bed head sans make up. She says that's okay we just wanted to stop in and show you my new grandbaby. She inquires about what our plumbing trouble is and I explain that the master bath kitchen and laundry room won't drain anything she says "oh really I haven't even seen your master bath since Tony remodeled it." Lord help me she shows up today to see it I mean it has only been done for over a year. Even with my humiliation I am grateful that at least there aren't dead baby mice lying all over the room. We make our way to the family room so that Tony and I can oooh and ahhhh over the new baby (who is absolutely beautiful by the way) and Tonya starts talking about her new room addition the just finished. She is talking about how hard it was to decide on rather to put carpet or hardwood. She was talking about now stressful it was picking out her sofa should she go with leather or not and what color and what a headache it has been!! Really your stressing over buying new furniture for your brand new custom built addition meanwhile down in Jamiville I am concerned that my toilet may very well be blown off of its base at any moment and shit will be flying out like Ole Faithful and I have had dead mice coming at me like they were being shot out of a cannon and your stressed!!! Tonya and her crew finally leave and the phone rings we run to get it and it is Rotor Rooter saying they are running a little behind (I kind of got that since it was already 4:30) therefore missing their promised deadline of 4:00. Rotor Rooter finally shows up at nearly 7:00 pm to address my plumbing problem. Two and a half hours later and $350.00 poorer they finally leave. So at 9:30 pm I begin cleaning up the wake of the plumbing issue in my bathroom until nearly one a.m. I can tell you that there is not a surface in my master bath that has not been scrubbed down no less than three times with boiling bleach water and doused with Lysol. I did manage to get my shower eventually and got myself to bed at two o'clock in the morning on Sunday. Well what lessons have I learned through this traumatic weekend? 1.) Dead mice can fly and at a very high rate of speed. 2.) Shit doesn't always run downhill . 3.) It is possible to heal a sprained ankle without rest or ice. 4.) Consuming vast amounts of Pumpkin Show food can cost you not just intestinally but up to $350.00 for Rotor Rooter. 5.)Murphy's law is real believe me!! Yet I can still say some good of this weekend. My Buckeyes kicked Purdue's butt and Oklahoma lost and my master bath and bedroom are probably cleaner than they have ever ever been! And just remember folks even if your day isn't going well it could be worse you could be me!

Smelly Cat Part II

Well if you read yesterday's blog you know my morning didn't go so well. One friend of mine commented after reading it that the day could only get better from there????? Now folks I love her and all and appreciate her positive outlook however failed it was but she lied to me. So after my traumatic morning dealing with kitty crap and on set of bulimic behavior I realized that I had forgotten that I had made an eye appointment for Peyton in Grove City. He kept telling me he was having trouble seeing the board at school and blamed his lack of good grades on his eyesight!! Yeah I am gonna fall for this one again. Granted in his defense sometime last year the school sent home a paper (I think this was the only one he actually brought home to show me) that said they recommend that I have his eyes checked. Personally I didn't take the school letter all that seriously since I am of the belief that the school systems are in cahoots with the local optometrist much like the drug companies and doctors are with the HMO's. But I will save my conspiracy theories for another blog. Instead of stressing about the forgotten eye appointment I hurried myself along and decided by using wicked driving skills I could make it from Stoutsville to Grove City in about 38 minutes which included a stop to pick up sissy. I figured while we were waiting for Peyton's eyeglasses to be made we could do lunch and some retail therapy to help me work through the pain of the tragedy I suffered earlier. Not much can happen that a little shopping wont fix. Oh yeah and for those of you who read yesterdays blog I did find the cure to remove the smell of cat poo burned into your nostrils. Step 1 put some water, cinnamon and vanilla in a large saucepan and bring to a boil then stick your head over it and sniff. Step 2 after you consume half a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls you suddenly had a hankerin for get out the Folgers black silk coffee and put out a line of it on your cutting board grab a crazy straw and snort. This not only clears the sinuses of any lingering cat poo it gives you much needed energy to make all of your appointment on time. Now I really need you to listen here before I go on with the rest of this story. For over a week now I have been warning Tony that my fancy dancy SUV has been giving me all kinds of warning messages. There have been so many lights and bells and dings that it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas in my truck. Each time I mentioned this (which was everyday sometimes 3 or 4 times a day) his response was "well yeah I need to call Firestone and have it looked at) My pretty red tank will warn you of just about everything it will even tell you exactly what the problem is. I just wish GM with all their foo foo warning options would have put one in there that warned you that someone was going to pass gas on your heated seats. The lack of this warning option has nearly caused me to go off roading on a few occasions a cooked fart is nearly as noxious as cat poo when it hits you in the face. Oh but on with the story. So I picked up Scooter to go with me and Peyton and Peyton's friend whom I didn't have time to run home before the appointment. We get to the Eyeglass factory exactly one minute late get through the appointment. The eye guy informs me it will be about two hours before the glasses will be ready. This is perfectly fine with me as it allows more time for retail therapy. Not to mention the fact the glasses were much cheaper than I had anticipated. This leaves me with an additional eighty eight dollars and change that Tony won't ask about. Look out Target here I come!! Peyton and his friend decided they wanted Chipolte for lunch and Jan and I decided we would do O'Charley's as I was craving the free rolls they offer. Fortunately for me these two restaurants are right next door to each other so the kids could get what they want and sissy and I can have some kid free conversation. Upon seating ourselves in the bar area so Sissy can keep an eye on the game scores I know this isn't going to be good when I spot our waiter walking towards the table proudly wearing his "ahem" Michigan Jersey!! Yikes! When the waiter steps away from the table I warn her that she is to keep her mouth shut at least until all of our food is on the table. For fear that Go Blue boy will hide a hocker under the cheese of my potato skins. Sissy agrees to keep her Buckeye lovin mouth shut until our food is safe. Before we can even get our meal on the table here comes Peyton and his friend. They must have had a race at Chipotle to see who could eat the fastest. So much for adult conversation!! We make it through the meal and put our money in the little faux leather folder and when Go Blue boy comes to retrieve it Sissy just can't help herself says to him "don't bother with change I left you a nice tip so you can go and buy a real shirt." OMG no she didn't. She just couldn't keep her mouth shut. To which go blue boy responds yeah I think I will get the away Jersey next time. Holy crap I need to get her out of the restaurant before a UFC fight breaks out in O'Charley's. I get everyone loaded into my tank announce that Target it our next stop. I put big red in reverse hit the gas and a sound or I should say many sounds come from my truck and I am convinced that I have just ran over a person in a wheel chair or something. Holy Toledo I think it is broke for real this time. I try to make my way around the back of O'Charley's to avoid the crowd of people that is now staring at my big red tank. I pull into a spot and call Tony! Of course he doesn't answer his phone so I keep trying on the fourth try he finally answers sounding perturbed. "What do you want? I am trying to take a bath!!" Well honey so sorry to bother you during your kid free garden tubbed bubble bath but remember all those warning lights and bells in our truck. Well not only can you tell something is wrong from inside the truck but now everyone at O'Charley's as well as Chipotle, Steak and Shake and Walmart no something is wrong. Tony says "well darnit Jami I was getting ready to head to Chillicothe to bowl a few games before the Buckeyes come on." Well that's just too dag gone bad now it looks like you are coming to Grove City instead if you ever ever want to have quality time with me...if you get my drift. I inform him that I will take the truck over to Firestone and he can meet me there. He informs me that I am not to say anything to the Firestone guys because of me having boobs and all. That they will rip me off and not take me seriously. He emphasizes this is not a chauvinistic comment just a fact. Oh really!! I drop Sissy and the kids at Target then head across the street to Firestone. Where as usual I don't listen to Tony's advice about the boob thing and I go inside to talk to Mike to explain my dilemma. I explain to him that my husband is on his way and he will come in to talk about the truck since apparently my breast render me incapable of deciphering that something is wrong with my vehicle. Firestone Mike not listening like most men ask me what happened with the truck. So I explain it like this. "Well Mike I was backing out of O'Charley's over there across the street. And my truck made a really really ugly sound and then when I put it in drive it made some different kinds of ugly sounds. Firestone Mike says "what kinds of sounds." Seriously you want me to add sound affects. Okey dokey it was sort of like this in reverse it went kkkkkracithks thunk. But in drive it goes sssssshhhrqu tink tink tink sssshhhhhrqu. At this point I have the entire waiting area of Firestone staring at me. I explain that my husband will be in and to let him know I have gone to Target and to pick me up there. Tony must have decided to take his sweet time with his bath because I managed to make it all the way through Target and out and into Bath and Body Works before he shows up. I had to have John come and get sissy since Tony's truck isn't a eight person passenger vehicle and I don't think sissy will want to ride home sitting on a circular saw and level. When I get into Tony's truck he explains that Firestone is going to see what all is wrong with the truck and fix it. We should be able to pick it up tomorrow. (which is now today). He says that Mike is going to call him to let him know what the damage will be. Thank God Mike didn't call until we pulled into the driveway at home. Where he quoted a price of $2,008.72 for the repairs. What on earth was wrong that could cost that much you may ask. Well I don't know exactly I do know there was something with a wheel baring or bearing and some hydraulic stuff that involves flushing of stuff and rotor stuff and really all I know is my truck will no longer sound like the sound affects of my son's video games. And I can put some gas in it and go to Target without drawing a crowd and really that is all I need to know. Being as I have boobs and all. Tony and I did manage to get to Chillicothe to squeeze in two games of speed bowling (and I beat him at one game even with my boobs), Peyton got his new glasses (I will assume this means he will be on the honor roll now right?) and the family made it home safely just in time to watch nearly three hours of the Buckeyes getting their butts kicked by a bunch of cheese heads who talk like New Yorkers with sinus infections. Maybe if they would do a line or two of Folgers Black Silk coffee they wouldn't talk to nasally.... you think? And as for you Sherry my lovely FB friend even when you feel it can only get better you can be wrong my dear....very very wrong. I will blame the Buckeye loss on Sissy for not keeping her mouth shut to go blue boy at O'Charley's. I will blame the truck problem on Tony for not listening to me about the warnings. See if everyone would just listen to me life would be sooooo much easier I really believe that. Now I have to go so I can right to GM about installing the heated seat fart warning system on my truck. Now that I would pay $3,000.00 dollars to have installed!

Smelly Cat Smelly Cat What are We Feeding You?

So I awake this lovely Saturday morning after sleeping in until the late hour of 6:38 am. I grab my giant purple Barney robe before opening the bedroom door because only my own family has to suffer seeing my bra less night shirted self. I do not inflict this visual onto my sons friends who are lying somewhere in my home. Upon opening my bedroom door I am hit in the face with a stench so overwhelming I am sent running so fast to the "loo" that my giant Barney robe is flapping behind me like I am some sort of super hero. The horrific smell that hit my nostrils was so overwhelming that by 6:42 I had completed the task of ridding my body of last nights Buffalo Wild Wings (and potato wedges with cheese and bacon) oh yeah and celery and ranch. My body ridded (yeah it's a word my Momma uses it and I think George W. does too) itself of last nights dinner via the north bound route rather than the south. If you have had enough coffee this morning you know what I mean. If you didn't here it is "I PUKED." Now let me tell you puking is not a good way to begin your weekend. If it weren't for the early hour of my bulimic episode and my Momma's recent illness she would have got a call. After I cleaned up brushed my teeth and held the Listerine in my mouth for a full two minutes (which could actually be a new torture method they could use to get information from suspected terrorists) I began the exit from my bedroom once again. Only this time with a big wad of Stride gum in my mouth and a holey towel tied around my face making it appear that I was wearing something close to resembling a Burka only in a brighter color. Now you will have to pardon my french here but something in my home shit himself. I just needed to do a little investigating to find out who had emanated such a foul odor. Tony could not be my prime suspect in this case due to the fact that the smell was not in our bedroom. It had to be one of the other males in our house. Either my own children, my children's friends or the stupid male dogs in the house. After making my way through the house and discovering that the smell only decreased when I moved away from my formal living room where no male species could be found. I realized that it wasn't any male in our home that had caused this noxious odor but my sweet little Berlin. My pretty little girl kitty cat. This odor was actually created by something that didn't even have testicles. Let me explain. I am ever so grateful that Tony and I didn't not have a daughter if Tony's mothering of this little girl kitten is any indication of his behavior for the opposite sex. As you all know we live in the country and have a multitude of "critters" that wreak havoc on occasion in "our neck of the woods" as Al Roker would say. The most recent havoc is that it seems the raccoon possy has issued some sort of death warrant with a reward against our newest family member Berlin. Since we have adopted our new little girl each morning we go out to find raccoon prints (it is soooo sad that I can now identify a raccoon print from an opossum print) on and around a porch and the "cat house" we have outside. Each morning Berlin appears on the porch looking like one of those scary Halloween cats with her hair sticking up looking like she is suffering from PTSD. Tony said that she is probably terrorized every night by the stupid raccoon possy and we need to allow her to sleep inside until she is full grown and able to defend herself. Riiiiiiiiight? I explained to him that as much as I love our new little addition I am not about to have a cat running loose in my home while I am trying to sleep. So Tuesday night Tony arrives home with what he considers the solution to the problem. He purchased a kitty kennel and a little kitty bed to put in it. He says we can bring her in a night and allow her to sleep inside all safe and sound from the wildlife outside as well as our Jack Russell Boswell who I say hates her and acts like he is going to eat her alive when he spots her. I agree that this might work and I will say that it has UNTIL TODAY!! It would seem that Tony perhaps brought Berlin into her little indoor kitty condo just a wee bit too early last night. And I ask you once again to please pardon my french but Berlin shit all over her newly constructed kitty condo and to this moment I am still baffled as to how something so small and cute and innocent looking could create such a smell. Now mind you this is being typed by a mother of three sons whom I will note is married to a construction worker for crying out loud. I really didn't think there was any smell left on this earth that could cause instantaneous vomiting, but there is apparently. I am still in awe of it even after dousing my carpet with carpet fresh and going through and entire bottle of Febreeze and half a can of Lysol I can still smell it. And to think that something that doesn't even have testicles could do something so foul. I am now wondering if there is some sort of gas that is emitted from kitty shit that burns itself into your nostrils and that smell stays with you for life!! Will I ever smell the sweet aroma of any chocolate based treat again...will I ever smell the sweet scent of my Momma's homemade rolls and pumpkin pie?( (by the way if on Thanksgiving this year if you find yourself without Pumpkin Pie Spice my Momma's spice cabinet is plum full of it just come over she can give you some) Is this years Thanksgiving feast going to be ruined by the fact that I will have to go on memory of the smells of the past? I even lifted Tony's Afrin bottle from is drawer and sniffed it down to see if it would rid my nostrils of this odor. Approximately four hours later it hasn't. Now I remember one time watching Dr. Phil and there were these men on there with there wives and the issue of the day was that these men after watching there wives give birth had lost all sexual drive and could not find themselves attracted to her any more. When I watched this show I was so appalled and angry with these men. How could they? This woman had done something completely natural and they found her to be repulsive. What pigs? Well brothers I am sooooo sorry I am feelin ya. I can't bring myself to even look at our new addition to the family let alone pick her up and cuddle with her. Another question; How in the hell do you bathe a cat? I tried rubbing her down with Dryer sheets and I thought she was going to claw my eyes out. I heard they don't like water now what? Well I suppose on the bright side if this stench doesn't work it's way out of my nose I will have discovered a new diet. Because with this smell I don't think I can ever ever ever eat again. Maybe I should write a new diet book it would be real short and I could call it "The Smelly Cat Shit Diet" (oops sorry french again) I could make millions then maybe I could afford some sort of surgery to restore my "ole factory" sense again. Not to mention I could hire one of those companies whom come into your home after some sort of tragedy like a murder or a fire and remove all traces of said tragedy from your home. As for now the kitty condo with poo laden furnishing is sitting in my front yard and I am going to wait until one of the creatures with testicles in my home awaken and they are going to have to deal with extricating the comfy shit (sorry) covered kitty bed from the condo. I can then douse the actual condo with Lysol and used Tony's power washer on it. I would be willing to bet that when we put the poo covered kitty bed in the trash today there won't be any raccoons lurking around there tonight. I know one thing for sure and that is Berlin is not going to be brought into he kitty condo tonight until a much much later hour because I have absolutely no intention of beginning my Sunday morning by vomiting like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. And if this smell doesn't leave my nose by Monday I am going to head to my local high school first thing and see what the kids are "huffing" or sniffing" these days and try to purchase some for myself. Because frankly the thought of never ever again smelling chocolate and home baked good again is worth risking a little jail time. And if I did get busted I would just roll around in cat poo before they took me in. This would insure that I would not become some big ole mean girls "lady friend" during my incarceration. Plus being imprisoned and likely in solitairy confinement would allow me to work on that new diet book...it would certainly be quieter than my house.