Smelly Cat Smelly Cat What are We Feeding You?

So I awake this lovely Saturday morning after sleeping in until the late hour of 6:38 am. I grab my giant purple Barney robe before opening the bedroom door because only my own family has to suffer seeing my bra less night shirted self. I do not inflict this visual onto my sons friends who are lying somewhere in my home. Upon opening my bedroom door I am hit in the face with a stench so overwhelming I am sent running so fast to the "loo" that my giant Barney robe is flapping behind me like I am some sort of super hero. The horrific smell that hit my nostrils was so overwhelming that by 6:42 I had completed the task of ridding my body of last nights Buffalo Wild Wings (and potato wedges with cheese and bacon) oh yeah and celery and ranch. My body ridded (yeah it's a word my Momma uses it and I think George W. does too) itself of last nights dinner via the north bound route rather than the south. If you have had enough coffee this morning you know what I mean. If you didn't here it is "I PUKED." Now let me tell you puking is not a good way to begin your weekend. If it weren't for the early hour of my bulimic episode and my Momma's recent illness she would have got a call. After I cleaned up brushed my teeth and held the Listerine in my mouth for a full two minutes (which could actually be a new torture method they could use to get information from suspected terrorists) I began the exit from my bedroom once again. Only this time with a big wad of Stride gum in my mouth and a holey towel tied around my face making it appear that I was wearing something close to resembling a Burka only in a brighter color. Now you will have to pardon my french here but something in my home shit himself. I just needed to do a little investigating to find out who had emanated such a foul odor. Tony could not be my prime suspect in this case due to the fact that the smell was not in our bedroom. It had to be one of the other males in our house. Either my own children, my children's friends or the stupid male dogs in the house. After making my way through the house and discovering that the smell only decreased when I moved away from my formal living room where no male species could be found. I realized that it wasn't any male in our home that had caused this noxious odor but my sweet little Berlin. My pretty little girl kitty cat. This odor was actually created by something that didn't even have testicles. Let me explain. I am ever so grateful that Tony and I didn't not have a daughter if Tony's mothering of this little girl kitten is any indication of his behavior for the opposite sex. As you all know we live in the country and have a multitude of "critters" that wreak havoc on occasion in "our neck of the woods" as Al Roker would say. The most recent havoc is that it seems the raccoon possy has issued some sort of death warrant with a reward against our newest family member Berlin. Since we have adopted our new little girl each morning we go out to find raccoon prints (it is soooo sad that I can now identify a raccoon print from an opossum print) on and around a porch and the "cat house" we have outside. Each morning Berlin appears on the porch looking like one of those scary Halloween cats with her hair sticking up looking like she is suffering from PTSD. Tony said that she is probably terrorized every night by the stupid raccoon possy and we need to allow her to sleep inside until she is full grown and able to defend herself. Riiiiiiiiight? I explained to him that as much as I love our new little addition I am not about to have a cat running loose in my home while I am trying to sleep. So Tuesday night Tony arrives home with what he considers the solution to the problem. He purchased a kitty kennel and a little kitty bed to put in it. He says we can bring her in a night and allow her to sleep inside all safe and sound from the wildlife outside as well as our Jack Russell Boswell who I say hates her and acts like he is going to eat her alive when he spots her. I agree that this might work and I will say that it has UNTIL TODAY!! It would seem that Tony perhaps brought Berlin into her little indoor kitty condo just a wee bit too early last night. And I ask you once again to please pardon my french but Berlin shit all over her newly constructed kitty condo and to this moment I am still baffled as to how something so small and cute and innocent looking could create such a smell. Now mind you this is being typed by a mother of three sons whom I will note is married to a construction worker for crying out loud. I really didn't think there was any smell left on this earth that could cause instantaneous vomiting, but there is apparently. I am still in awe of it even after dousing my carpet with carpet fresh and going through and entire bottle of Febreeze and half a can of Lysol I can still smell it. And to think that something that doesn't even have testicles could do something so foul. I am now wondering if there is some sort of gas that is emitted from kitty shit that burns itself into your nostrils and that smell stays with you for life!! Will I ever smell the sweet aroma of any chocolate based treat again...will I ever smell the sweet scent of my Momma's homemade rolls and pumpkin pie?( (by the way if on Thanksgiving this year if you find yourself without Pumpkin Pie Spice my Momma's spice cabinet is plum full of it just come over she can give you some) Is this years Thanksgiving feast going to be ruined by the fact that I will have to go on memory of the smells of the past? I even lifted Tony's Afrin bottle from is drawer and sniffed it down to see if it would rid my nostrils of this odor. Approximately four hours later it hasn't. Now I remember one time watching Dr. Phil and there were these men on there with there wives and the issue of the day was that these men after watching there wives give birth had lost all sexual drive and could not find themselves attracted to her any more. When I watched this show I was so appalled and angry with these men. How could they? This woman had done something completely natural and they found her to be repulsive. What pigs? Well brothers I am sooooo sorry I am feelin ya. I can't bring myself to even look at our new addition to the family let alone pick her up and cuddle with her. Another question; How in the hell do you bathe a cat? I tried rubbing her down with Dryer sheets and I thought she was going to claw my eyes out. I heard they don't like water now what? Well I suppose on the bright side if this stench doesn't work it's way out of my nose I will have discovered a new diet. Because with this smell I don't think I can ever ever ever eat again. Maybe I should write a new diet book it would be real short and I could call it "The Smelly Cat Shit Diet" (oops sorry french again) I could make millions then maybe I could afford some sort of surgery to restore my "ole factory" sense again. Not to mention I could hire one of those companies whom come into your home after some sort of tragedy like a murder or a fire and remove all traces of said tragedy from your home. As for now the kitty condo with poo laden furnishing is sitting in my front yard and I am going to wait until one of the creatures with testicles in my home awaken and they are going to have to deal with extricating the comfy shit (sorry) covered kitty bed from the condo. I can then douse the actual condo with Lysol and used Tony's power washer on it. I would be willing to bet that when we put the poo covered kitty bed in the trash today there won't be any raccoons lurking around there tonight. I know one thing for sure and that is Berlin is not going to be brought into he kitty condo tonight until a much much later hour because I have absolutely no intention of beginning my Sunday morning by vomiting like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. And if this smell doesn't leave my nose by Monday I am going to head to my local high school first thing and see what the kids are "huffing" or sniffing" these days and try to purchase some for myself. Because frankly the thought of never ever again smelling chocolate and home baked good again is worth risking a little jail time. And if I did get busted I would just roll around in cat poo before they took me in. This would insure that I would not become some big ole mean girls "lady friend" during my incarceration. Plus being imprisoned and likely in solitairy confinement would allow me to work on that new diet book...it would certainly be quieter than my house.