Who Knew Dead Mice Could Fly???

OMG I never ever thought I would be so happy to see Monday come! The last two weekends has convinced me that I must have been a really terrible person in a previous life or something. I am thinking perhaps I was Bruce Ismay (the dude who told the Captain of the Titanic to speed up the ship thereby killing all those people.) Or maybe I was Lizzy Borden or something. So the entire week was crazy busy with the big old Pumpkin Show in town. On Wednesday after dropping Drake off at is new internship at the Columbus Museum of Art on the ride home I had to pee really really bad and having a bit of a phobia of public restroom facilities I decided to call my brother Brent who lives downtown to see if I could swing in to use his nice clean non-public facility. Brent said he was home and to come on by I fly down and illegally park my vehicle and nearly run to his door which is hard to do when you legs are crossed! I run in past Brent headed for the bathroom and take a tumble down the stairs twisting my ankle into a position that God did not intend for it to go. Crying in pain and limping on my quest for a toilet to alleviate myself of what is left of the pee that didn't come out when the pain shot through my body. I have to nearly crawl back up the stairs at Brent's while his lovely little dog Milo is jumping on me and licking my face repeatedly I finally make my way to his couch so he can take a look at my ankle that I am convinced is broken. Upon Dr. Brent's examination he determines it is not broken perhaps severely sprained. He says I should get home stay off my foot and put ice on it. I explain to him that this is not an option for me as I have to get my great niece Paige ready for the Little Miss Pumpkin Show contest and take her through the parade. (she didn't win by the way) This little bathroom break caused me to hobble around the Pumpkin Show for the next two days in two different ankle braces at the same time. See I had to go to the Pumpkin Show on Thursday as well because I promised my Momma that I could take her down to see the OSU Marching Band in the parade. Plus even if my ankle was broke I was not going to miss a chance to see my Buckeyes the best damn band in the land!! So I spent another entire day at Pumpkin Show with my lame foot pushing my Momma in a wheelchair which was an intriguing site to see! I can say I am grateful that my sissy Jan is nuts and had chairs already set up in the parade route before six am that morning so I at least had a place to sit for the next eight hours (between food runs that is) Food runs you say well my diet for Thursday consisted of the following: corn dog, french fries, steak on-a-stick, fried cheese, deep fried strawberries, pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, kettle corn, and this yummy baked thing called a Bee Sting, which I will say is a little piece of heaven on a plate! After the parade and wrestling my mother in her wheel chair through the insane crowd and getting her home and back to my house which was nearly midnight. I realized that I forgot that I had made plans with one of my best girl friends Jonda for a day of shopping on Friday. I guess there really is no rest for the wicked! It should go without saying that considering my diet choices on Thursday I woke up on Friday with just a wee bit of stomach trouble. My stomach was so bloated it looked as though I were at least five months pregnant I was beginning to wonder if I should start picking out baby names. I felt like death warmed over is it possible to have a food hangover? Even with my gimp foot and the sudden onset of IBS I was not going to miss the opportunity to shop with my girl. It had only been like twenty years since we had a day to ourselves without husbands or kids and just the two of us. We had a great time in spite of my stomach interrupting our conversation occasionally throughout the day. Jonda brought me home and came in to say hello to Tony. She asked if she could use the restroom before leaving to go home. I told her to go in and use the master bath (the recently remodeled one that only took me ten years to get Tony to do and I am so proud of) Tony informs us that she can't use the master bath because there is some "plumbing issues" in there she needs to use the boys bathroom which, is the equivalent of using a public restroom at a truck stop since I haven't been in there to clean for the past three days and my children are pigs. I asked Tony what was going on in the bathroom and he said the toilet won't flush and the seal must have broken and the bathtub won't drain as well as the sink. The whole time he is talking all I can think about is my many many visits to the restroom this morning and perhaps our outdated plumbing system wasn't equipped to handle the massive amount of Pumpkin Show poo. I of course don't mention the events of this morning to Tony as I feel he would never look at me the same way again if I were to confess my intestinal issues to him. Tony and I decide that since we do have one working bathroom we will wait to call a plumber on Saturday. I woke up on Saturday morning at five o'clock out of guilt for neglecting my household duties for three straight days and more than likely there will be a plumber arriving later today I don't want him to judge me for my dirty house. I dive right into dusting and dishes and picking up every item my children have left lying around I realize that there is dirty laundry everywhere. I decide to go ahead and start the first of what looks to be at least five loads of laundry. I swear I think my boys are like girls when getting ready. They must have tried on or worn nearly every article of clothing in there closets. Since they don't know to hang anything back up or put anything in their dressers they have clean clothes mixed with dirty clothes all over their bedrooms and bath. I have mentioned this to my children several times about them doing this and how many times I probably wash clean clothes and how much time and energy I spend on it. Peyton told me instead of doing that I should just sniff each item to see if it has an odor!! Really you want me to sniff each item huh? You think it is my duty to sniff the pits of your shirts not to mention your underwear because you all are to dag gone lazy to put your crap away. I begin my first load of laundry and as the wash cycle is ending Tony comes flying out of the bedroom asking very loudly I might add "what in the hell am I doing out here because I have flooded the bathroom." I explain that I was just doing some laundry. Apparently the washer decided to join the party and not drain either! I tell Tony to calm down I will grab the mop and bucket and clean up the flood. He says no just let him have a cup of coffee first and he will go out to the shed to get the shop vac and clean it up himself. No argument from me. After getting is coffee fix he goes out to the shed and returns with the shop vac he tells me to grab the mop and bucket and I can follow behind him to get what the shop vac doesn't pick up. This is the part where the weekend got really really I mean really seriously bad!!!! So Tony plugs in his handy dandy water sucking machine and did you know that shop vacs have some sort of exhaust on them that blow out air as the water gets sucked in? When he turns the damn thing on to begin sucking the exhaust thingy starts shooting a bunch of stuff out of it there is stuff flying everywhere clear into our bedroom. When the shop vac started shooting God knows what out of it I of course went running out of the room screaming. The next thing I know Tony is screaming and yelling for me to come back in and saying a few choice words. When I peak my head back in he says I have to come help him clean up because apparently a mouse had built a nest in the shop vac in our shed and it must have been the worlds worse mommy mouse because there are dead baby mice all over the place. OMG the thought of dead baby mice being shot out of the vac like a cannon into my bath and bedroom cause me to go running for the working toilet where I puke once again for the second weekend in a row I am vomiting!! After completing my round of bulimia I return to find Tony is still yelling and telling me to get in there and help him. Now it is my turn to be loud and let him know under no circumstances will I ever help clean up the dead mice that have been shot out all over the place. He can yell all he wants but it ain't gonna happen, not in this life or the next!!! Got it!! So let's see here the bathroom is still flooded, there are dead mice in my bathroom and bedroom I can't do dishes, I can't do laundry, I can't take a shower, I can't leave because the kids want a ride to the stupid Pumpkin Show and need more money to go on and flipping Rotor Rooter promises to be here by FOUR O'CLOCK TODAY!!! A couple of hours later after Tony has cleaned up the dead flying mice and the water from the bathroom I decide it is best if I take my book and sit outside away from him otherwise I fear there could be a murder suicide or at the very least a domestic disturbance call to the local sheriff and I really don't want to go to jail today since I haven't even had a shower. As I am sitting outside with my little Berlin and my good book (Nora Roberts) I am almost completely calmed down from the earlier trauma I have suffered when two vehicles pull into my driveway. I am thinking if these are Jehovah Witnesses they are going to get an earful from me. I am in no mood for visitors and certainly not in the mood to discuss the Lord! He and I are obviously on the outs it appears! When all of the people spill out of the vehicles I see that it is my sister in law Tonya, her son Zach with his wife and new baby, her son Austin as well as her youngest son Jayden! Did I mention that my sister in law Tonya I think has OCD and has the cleanest most organized home I have ever been in in my entire life. I don't even like to visit her house because it is way to clean and organized and I fear I would leave an ass print on her couch or perhaps I would have lint or a stray hair on her perfectly vacuumed carpet or leave a foot print on her perfectly polished hardwood floor. Seriously I wanna know what contest in hell I have won??? I tell Tonya that we are having plumbing issues to explain why I am sitting in my dirty sweats and bed head sans make up. She says that's okay we just wanted to stop in and show you my new grandbaby. She inquires about what our plumbing trouble is and I explain that the master bath kitchen and laundry room won't drain anything she says "oh really I haven't even seen your master bath since Tony remodeled it." Lord help me she shows up today to see it I mean it has only been done for over a year. Even with my humiliation I am grateful that at least there aren't dead baby mice lying all over the room. We make our way to the family room so that Tony and I can oooh and ahhhh over the new baby (who is absolutely beautiful by the way) and Tonya starts talking about her new room addition the just finished. She is talking about how hard it was to decide on rather to put carpet or hardwood. She was talking about now stressful it was picking out her sofa should she go with leather or not and what color and what a headache it has been!! Really your stressing over buying new furniture for your brand new custom built addition meanwhile down in Jamiville I am concerned that my toilet may very well be blown off of its base at any moment and shit will be flying out like Ole Faithful and I have had dead mice coming at me like they were being shot out of a cannon and your stressed!!! Tonya and her crew finally leave and the phone rings we run to get it and it is Rotor Rooter saying they are running a little behind (I kind of got that since it was already 4:30) therefore missing their promised deadline of 4:00. Rotor Rooter finally shows up at nearly 7:00 pm to address my plumbing problem. Two and a half hours later and $350.00 poorer they finally leave. So at 9:30 pm I begin cleaning up the wake of the plumbing issue in my bathroom until nearly one a.m. I can tell you that there is not a surface in my master bath that has not been scrubbed down no less than three times with boiling bleach water and doused with Lysol. I did manage to get my shower eventually and got myself to bed at two o'clock in the morning on Sunday. Well what lessons have I learned through this traumatic weekend? 1.) Dead mice can fly and at a very high rate of speed. 2.) Shit doesn't always run downhill . 3.) It is possible to heal a sprained ankle without rest or ice. 4.) Consuming vast amounts of Pumpkin Show food can cost you not just intestinally but up to $350.00 for Rotor Rooter. 5.)Murphy's law is real believe me!! Yet I can still say some good of this weekend. My Buckeyes kicked Purdue's butt and Oklahoma lost and my master bath and bedroom are probably cleaner than they have ever ever been! And just remember folks even if your day isn't going well it could be worse you could be me!