It Said My Faith Would Be Tested Not My Sanity

Now I know somewhere in the bible (don't ask me where) about faith being tested. Well that is all well and good but it never mentioned anything about my sanity being tested. So folks don't worry my faith is utterly and completely intact. I without any doubt believe in God and that hee sent his son to die for me being such a loser. Yet I have to add that I believe in a God who has one totally hysterical sense of humor. When he does finally pull me through the valley of winter 2009 -2010 I plan on having a real heated discussion about funny only being funny for so long. That is if I survive this winter without the men in the white coats coming to cart me off and inject me with drugs so powerful that I don't even know my own name. Well this morning at five thirty am as I am fast asleep dreaming about my Matt Lauer Today show interview when I get my book published there is suddenly a loud nasty vibration coming from my nightstand. Oh no you didn't....... get your mind out of the gutter girls it was my cell phone. It was an incoming text announcing that our school was on a two hour delay. Okay I can handle that no problem. Being that I am stricken with a lifelong case of once up always up I know there is no use in trying to snuggle back in bed and catch a few more winks. Even if those winks include me being on the set of the today show with Matt. I decide to go ahead and make the coffee and enjoy the two additional hours of solitude before I wake the boys for school. I look outside and see that there are just a few snow flurries and think we are in the clear in a couple of more hours I will get Tony out the door and the boys off to school and enjoy the rest of my day. I am nearly one third of the way to my goal of a husband and child free home I have packed Tony's lunch made his coffee and have his mug and his lunch sitting on the table by the front door. I may as well kick him in the rear end on the way out and say see ya!! He just thinks that I am being a a sweet and dutiful wife he would never guess my ulterior motives. When I just about have him out the door I can hear it OMG it can't be there is that nasty vibrating sound indicating an incoming text. I nearly start spinning in circles like one of my two Jack Russell's I am trying to decide if I ignore the text, if perhaps I even toss the cell phone out the front door and into the creek next to my house if it will change anything. I nearly fall to my knees as I go to touch this devil phone vibrating and gyrating just waiting on me to open it and read the dreaded message it is about to deliver. Those words that can strike fear and anxiety into the hearts of any Mom....Logan Elm School Districts New Status.......Closed!!! Since Tony is still home I refrain from the reaction I really wanted to have for fear that he would contact the men in the white coats sooner rather than later. So I try to busy myself until at least he pulls out of the drive. I fake sanity smile and give him a kiss and an I love you have a great day and safe trip in. I open the door to nearly throw him out and the rage flares pardon my french "what in the hell"...there is no snow on my road...there is no snow on my porch..there is no snow coming from the sky..really wait is that the sun I see in the sky. I must be losing it ....no wait...oh yeah now even the birds are in on this whole thing they flipping birds are chirping. so let me get this straight..no snow on road, no snow falling, no snow on porch, sun in the sky and birds chirping and school is cancelled. I go in search of my phone book I am thinking I really need to contact the superintendent and let her have it..crap I can't do that our superintendent resigned last month. Who is the interim one? Okay this isn't really happening maybe the local news station accidentally resent and old text. I grab the computer to go the website just to doublecheck yeah that has got to be it. Some automated thing or some young intern at the station has sent this second text by mistake. As I am logging on I am laughing to myself thinking this will be a really funny story to tell later. When I finally sign in a scroll down to my county my fantasy ends and reality comes crashing in. Theeeeeiiir....hoooooo...ooome for the whole day!! Okay maybe I could leave and note for them saying there was some sort of an emergency I could grab my laptop my latest book and I could hide at my Mom's for the rest of the day. I could even call Michelle and she could come over and hang out. (Michelle a girl who has been my friend since grade school lives just two miles from Mom's) We could drink coffee and lay around and talk maybe even grab some lunch. Just as I am about to make a run for it God reminds me what happened the last time I left my boys home alone. No they were not to young to be left at home this was last summer fourteen and twelve years old should be old enough to leave home alone for forty five minutes?? Not my little angels. Last summer Tony and I had our vehicle taken in for service to prepare it for out planned vacation to Florida. The shop called right after he arrived home from work and said my vehicle was ready. Tony said we should just go get it right away because if he comes in he won't feel like going back out. What he really means is if I come in I will strip down to my undies and you will not be able to pry the remote out of my hand or pry me from the bed later. I tell Tony I will just get the kids and have them get their shoes on and we will all leave. Tony suggest that just the two of us go and leave the children home. When I stare blankly at him as if he has grown a second head he ask what the problem is. I tell him there is no problem I am just wondering if he has ever met our children. The boys sensing some sort of drama come running out of their rooms and ask what is going on. I explain that we need to go pick up my vehicle from the service station and his father wants them to stay here while we do. Being so smug and sure of myself and sure that I know my children I know they will not agree to this. Little brats....they turn on me "oh come on Mom please let us stay here nothing will happen. Then Tony chimes in "come on Jami you can't treat them like babies forever. You are turning them both into crying little mamma's boys." (Please remember this line for later) He continues "you are over protective we are going to be gone less than an hour I think they can manage for less than an hour. What is the worst that could happen?" (Remember this one as well) Well we make to the service station pay and get my keys. I tell Tony that I need to run to Kroger and grab a couple of things a before heading home. He says he is going straight home and I tell him to let the boys know I will just grab some takeout for dinner after I leave the store. As I am walking through the store thinking about how cool of a mom I am. I am sure Tony and the boys are right I need to start loosening the apron strings just a little. I am in line loading my purchases on the little conveyor belt thing and the phone rings. I answer to hear Drake breathing heavy and sounding quite panicked and crying. "Uhhh Mom...Uuuuuh this is uuuuh Drake...and uuuh Mom something bad happened (this is when I can hear Peyton screaming like a banshee in the back ground) Mom there is a lot of blood but...I have pressure on it...where are you? (more blood curdling screams from Peyton) trying to stay calm and avoid being the crazy woman in the local Kroger I remain quite calm as the cashier is scanning my items I tell Drake to stay calm keep pressure on the cut and try to calm Peyton down. I tell him I need to hang up and call his Dad since his dad should have been home already and I will call him right back. Do you remember Tony's comment about crying Momma's boys and what is the worst that could happen) Not bragging or anything but yep Mom once again was right. When I call Tony he decided to take the flipping scenic route home really the scenic route in Pickaway county goes something like this cow, tree, road kill, hill, curve, $300,000.00 house, trailer, cow, horse, barn, hit the brakes......deer. I tell him he needs to get home and take Peyton to the ER for stitches or something I am on my way as well. Imagine this I actually beat Tony home to find that my house looks like the Manson family stopped by for a visit. Obviously after Peyton fell and cut his head open he must have ran in circles throughout the entire house as there is blood on the carpet from the front door, through the formal living room, into the dining room, into the family room, into the small bath all then leading back to the scene of the incident where the volume of blood soaked carpet really increased in his bedroom. Tony finally makes his way home from his scenic journey through the countryside to get Peyton to the ER. I spent the rest of the evening cleaning blood from the carpet. By the way never...let me repeat never us peroxide on beige Berber carpet to remove blood. Yes it does remove the blood but the blood stain is then replaced by a glaring white spots that resemble some sort of orbs in your carpet. Of course Peyton was fine after getting three staples in his head. So with the replay of this incident pushed once again to the forefront of my brain. I opt to cancel my plan of running away for the day to Mom's. So yep another dag gone snow day. That is why I have not been able to blog until so late this evening. To top it off I just got up to grab a diet coke and looked outside...Guess what folks???....I am telling you God is real hoot...it is snowing.!!! Should I go ahead and throw my phone in the creek tonight to avoid the dreaded text? I will try to blog again tomorrow ( I happen to be an optimist) if not and there is another snow day and I finally snap I will have my psycho-therapist post something to let you know I am okay and resting comfortably in my nice padded cell.

The Housewife's Revenge(Domestic Queen)

Granted I have to admit that I have now suffered PMS for approximately three weeks straight and still no sign of the actual painters showing up. And yes this particular month I will admit that this is probably the worse case of PMS on record if the medical industry would actually bother to truly study this topic. They really don't have time I understand since all of their focus is currently on the next new drug treatment for limp noodle syndrome. An example of just how bad this is I actually went shopping at Tuttle this weekend and I will say proudly that I purchased a pair of jeans in a size that I have not been able to squeeze into since Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby was topping the charts. Even with the glorious moment that I have waited over 16 years to achieve could not appease the hormones apparently raging inside. I have gone from complete homicidal rage contemplating running over old people at Walmart who were in my way to slapping young children in the mall who got on my nerves just because they were there. Then the following moment to blubbering crying attacks because of what a wretched human being I am. With all of this I still can not deny the fact that I live in a house with the most ungrateful lazy group of men (boys) on the planet. Now if you will recall in my last blog I recited some of my hard work last week. I didn't even begin to mention all of the other things I did that would have probably got me nominated for wife and mother of the year. Things such as, packing Tony's lunch each day. Shoveling a path to his vehicle, removing ice from his vehicle, and warming the truck up. Making breakfast for the kids, (no not just a bowl of cereal actual breakfast that required me utilizing my stove and toaster.)Preparing and having Tony's coffee ready and waiting by the front door in his favorite mug. To shoveling the drive way last Wednesday so Tony wouldn't have to when he came home. I won't even mention the more intimate things I will just say that Tony is one extremely lucky man. But today baby it is a new day and I have had it seeing that no one felt it necessary to say so much as a meager thank you Mom, thank you Honey I have reached my boiling point. My boiling point is not pretty, my family refers to it as going from zero to crazy in the blink of an eye. So today I am going to implement "The Housewife's Revenge", my family obviously thinks my job in life is to go around behind them picking up and putting away every item they wear, eat from, utilize, drop, read or play with. But today they are going to get what's coming to them. I have devised a plan to let them know where I am coming from. I have located in my newly organized pantry my giant contractor trash bags which I will cut and duck tape together today to make tarps from both of the boys beds and for Tony's half of our king size bed. These said tarps are going to be put down right where they intend to sleep tonight. This will not be an easy task for any of them as the second phase of my plan is to gather any and all items that I am expected to pick up after them and have them laying on these tarps. Items such as, dirty socks, dirty underwear, damp towels thrown on the floor, tooth brushes left lying on the counter (even though there are toothbrush holders right next to where they leave them laying.) hangers thrown on the floor of the closet, magazines left lying on my couch, guitar picks, board games, i-pods, nerf guns. All items will be place on top of each tarp according to who left said item laying out for Mom/Wife to pick up wash and put back in it's proper location. Phase three of this plan includes items not before mentioned items which include all food items such as, cereal bowls with some cereal and milk in them, water, soda and gatorade bottles over half full left on nightstands dressers, counters, end tables, coffee tables, computer desk. Opened bags of chips, half eaten pop tarts and even a couple of pizza rolls left lying on a plate on my dining room table. All of these once consumable items will be sitting on tonight's dinner table. I think I may even light a few candles to set the moods. And when they all come strolling in this evening and ask what's for dinner I will sweep my arm in a fashion similar to Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and point out the spread on the table. I may even get real brash and type out a cool menu in a great font on my new laptop perhaps something like this. McComas Family Table on tonight's menu: Aged cinnamon toast crunch served with curdled milk, one stale frosted cherry pop tart, one half eaten bag of ruffles potato chips left open to insure the aging process, drink options are abundant, red gatorade, blue G2, Dr. Pepper, Sierra Mist and even one McDonalds fountain drink as well as several assorted bottles of water all of which are partially consumed. Then for dessert I intend to present them with a display of rock hard brownies which I lovingly made this weekend cut into Pettibone sized slices and wisely placed in the covered cake container that I swiped from my mothers at one of our family functions. The very same cake container with a snap on lid that someone got into last night ate half of a brownie left the other half in the container and them proceeded to leave the lid off of all night. Now folks if this plan goes over and plays out like I think it will I will grab my laptop and post something on facebook from my mothers house where I will probably be staying for a couple of days. I am thinking a party at mom's since she abandoned me along with the rest of my biological family. I will let everyone know what time the festivities will start. Another added benefit to my plan is when Tony comes home tonight and sees this glorious display he won't have to ask what I did all day. He will be able to see for himself exactly what I did since what I did will delay his plan of laying in the bed with the remote grasped firmly in his hand until he puts away all the items from the homemade tarp covering his half of the bed. Now if he decides to partake in the fabulous meal on the table I don't see him resting comfortably in bed personally I think he will be quite attached to the toilet from food poisoning.

Pulling a Myrtle

So sorry for the long wait in between blogs and thanks to all of those who have been asking for one. But I do have an excellent excuse it is called "snow" and I have had about enough of it. We have already went over our calamity days by 5 days and another snow storm is on the way. I don't know what warped ancestor of mine was traveling from the east and stopped in central Ohio and said this is a good place to put down roots. What on earth could they have been thinking. I think whoever it was must have been a glutton for punishment. I am thinking perhaps they had been ax murderers or something and felt compelled to suffer some sort sentence. This had to be the case because I cannot for the life of me think what person in their right mind would stop here stay for a winter and think for even one moment that this is the perfect place to call home. Winter in Ohio typically stinks anyway but this year has been particularly rank as we are on par for having the worst February on record and then you get to couple that with the fact that my Mom is in Florida, my sister is in Florida and my niece is in California and they all feel it necessary to report the glorious weather and the sunshine to the point I want to leap through the phone line and wrap my ever shrinking fingers around their delicate little throats. See I have been a stay at home mom for nearly three years now. And I have adjusted extremely well to my schedule (which actually is non-existent) but it does allow me many hours of solitude (which I enjoy immensely) and still allows me enough time to sprinkle some carpet fresh and spray some febreeze prior to Tony and the boys returning home. These two little tricks of mine allow by ever loving to believe that I have worked my little fingers to the bone cleaning and cooking all the day long. Well due to all of the snow we are having my children have had six snow days this month alone and my dearest has been sick and yet insist on going to work each day only to arrive home early each and every stinking day. I will have to say his timing is impeccable though because he only shows up after I have decided to tackle another home project that I have managed to avoid for the last three years. Things like, the laundry room, the walk in closet, the fireplace and the list could go on and on. See when I decide to tackle a cleaning project I typically pull what our family calls "a Myrtle" this is lovingly named for my mother who would often tackle projects on a much larger scale than I would ever attempt. I will give a few examples of "a Myrtle" for instance, once when mom and dad were still blissfully married (I may be stretching that a bit) since I don't see how she could have ever been blissfully married to that idiot. (I am thinking perhaps I should dig out one of my self help books again as a small case of bitterness is seeping in I suspect....better yet the Bible most especially the part about forgiveness????) anyway one evening at the dinner table my father mentioned that he was thinking of redoing the bath room and wanted to be rid of the ugly outdated tile in that room and replace it. Dad was thinking down the road perhaps when there was more disposable income to do so. Well my precious Mom takes everything literally and when you talk about something future tense she takes future tense to mean tomorrow. So the first day that dad returned to work my mom goes in and basically destroys the bathroom breaking each and every piece of the tile and taking the walls nearly down to the studs. Mom disillusioned herself so much that she actually believed that dad would be so happy that she got him a great jump start on his project. Needless to say dad was not a happy camper when he arrived to find that his wife has destroyed and began a project he was not planning to actually do anytime in the foreseeable future. (I wonder why they ever divorced?) Another great example of "pulling a Myrtle", this one years later after dad had taken up with that obnoxious southern person (sorry folks that is as nice as I can be you don't even want to know what other adjectives are running through my brain right now) Mind you that when the divorce happened dad got all the good stuff (meaning the bank accounts and the nice home in Florida. Mom on the other hand got the old house in Ohio along with four children still at home three rotten little boys and one perfect little red haired angel. (shut up it is my story and I will write the facts as I choose to see them) So to say that the divorce wasn't good for our financial picture is a massive understatement. So being without the means to meet even most of our basic needs my mom thinks the kitchen needs a makeover (this I still don't understand since there wasn't much food in there anyway) So I arrive home from school one day, walk into our kitchen only to find my mother perched upon my brother Brent's shoulders taking down the kitchen cabinets. Now I am sure this was a pretty easy thing to accomplish since there probably wasn't any food items in the cabinets anyway. Yet even being a young child I knew that if we didn't have the money to properly stock the cabinets then we probably didn't have the money to replace the cabinets???? When I posed the question to Mom about the getting new cabinets she said she wasn't sure how but she wanted them. So there is just a couple of examples of "pulling a Myrtle". Like I said I sometimes pull a Myrtle but never to the level of the original with that being said when I decide to tackle a home project such as doing a thorough deep cleaning I basically destroy and dismantle everything and start from scratch. (this annoys the tar out of Tony which only makes it that much more enjoyable) So with the kids being home I couldn't pull the carpet fresh and febreeze trick being that I would have two witnesses to testify to my lack of actual work when Tony arrived home from work and ask what I did all day. So I decide on Monday to tackle the walk in closet. (your would be amazed at the amount of things you can have in a six by six foot area) So I begin by tearing everything out of the closet and when i have finished that I notice that i have completely covered my bed as well as every square inch of floor space in my bedroom. Of course once I have completely destroyed the bedroom Tony decides to come home early from work. Well being the ever optimistic Myrtle I think he will be pleased that I finally got around to addressing this disaster. I was not at all correct in this assumption. Especially since half of the things in the closet are Tony's and Tony being Tony (meaning total control freak) goes into a total panic as to what I am doing with all of his stuff and issuing warnings that he better be able to find what he needs when I have finished this little task. While he is rambling on I am thinking "hum so it is easier to dig through miles and miles of paperwork in a filing cabinet (yes he has a filing cabinet in my walk in closet and yes it takes up valuable real estate that could be used much more wisely for more shoes and purses.) than it would be to actually organize the filing cabinet with actual files and labels clearly marked so that when you open it and need a bank statement there is an actually file marked bank statement" and yes I will proudly state that not only is this the case I even have them in a three ring binder starting from the back oldest to newest. So glad to know that I haven't lost my clerical skills. Oh another funny little moment to note: while cleaning the closet I did locate the ab machine that I had purchased off of some infomercial tucked right up next to my walker I have to use when my back goes out. I found this a little ironic, since if I would just use the ab machine I would have not need to ever use the walker again. I just think God has such a sense of humor. So that was just Monday. (OMG yes it literally took all day Monday) So being spurred on by my accomplishment the previous day on Tuesday I am talking to my niece Heather on the phone and she is getting back into the fen shui books again and she begins telling me about the location of my laundry room is a very vital part of my house that is tied in with my finances and my career. She says that if I really want to get my book published I need to address the laundry room and it must be cleaned and organized on the chi won't flow and I will just spin my wheels. Holy crap well I have my next project. So I begin destroying and dismantling the laundry room which of course spills out into the kitchen. And of course at the very worst stage of this project here comes Tony home early again. OMG seriously what contest in hell did I win? So Tony rounds the corner into the kitchen just at the exact moment I am standing on a chair in the laundry room getting ready to paint something above the shelf with red craft paint that will encourage more chi to flow. Oh quit it I am a bored housewife and I am really good at taking advice when offered. This is a good thing......I think?? So when I spot Tony in the kitchen I immediately hide the paint brush and the paper plate where I have squirted the craft paint. When he looks at me like a child who is about to be scolded he ask what I am doing. I explain to him that I am cleaning and organizing the laundry room. He makes some sort of asinine comment along the lines of "oh I thought you were destroying the kitchen. " HAHA very funny now shut up and go away. I wouldn't dare tell him that above the storage shelf in red paint it is now written "The Truth of Most of It, by Jami McComas New York Times Best Selling author. See Tony is very old school and not open to what he calls "this new agey stuff". He feels you should read the bible to study God's word and pray for the things you want and wait. Now I am totally with him on this but hey I figure if cleaning my laundry room will perhaps persuade God to pay me a little visit more often why not? I also tied red ribbon around every water pipe in my kitchen laundry room and both bathrooms to help the chi flow as well. Which of course Tony discovered last night as I was taking my bath. He comes in to brush his teeth. (I can never take a bath in this house without an audience you would think I have the most beautiful body God ever created being that whenever I am in the tub someone either Tony or one of the boys needs to come in a have some discussion. So I am trying to shave my legs and Tony looks over and says "hey who tied red ribbon around the water pipes." to which I respond "what?" they say if you don't want to answer a questions just respond with a question. (By the way that doesn't work) when he repeats it I just say "oh I read somewhere that it was good luck." At least this got him to leave me alone since he just shook his head and left the room. I think he said something sarcastic but I put my head under the water so that I wouldn't hear it. I am too tired to argue with him tonight with all the actual cleaning that I have done this week. So yesterday even though the boys finally went back to school for the first time this week I still felt motivated to tackle another room. I decided to take on the family room yesterday. I needed to do this one because last week our big screen television finally bit the dust (Thank you God) see when I say big screen I don't mean one of those nice sleek flat screens that everyone has. No this thing is a 60" inch black monstrosity that takes up an entire wall. So when the tv finally broke Tony said we would purchase a flat screen and he will build me a custom entertainment center along one wall. So I decide to go ahead and clean and organize the room to prepare for my new entertainment center and television. (Granted if this promised project goes anything like my master bathroom I could be waiting another decade) The new entertainment center is also going to have a place to put all of my books according to Tony. (he is truly clueless. He must be referring to the books he actually sees. He obviously has forgotten about the the giant plastic storage bins in the shed filled to the brim with my books. So I suppose the horrific winter we are having does have at least one one positive since my house is cleaner and more organized than it has ever been. Well seeing that you are reading this blog you must know that all the motivation earlier in the week has now passed. But I do need to get off of this computer and go take a shower sprinkle my carpet fresh and spray my febreeze before Tony comes home early again. Oh he certainly will since tonight I get to once again go to a wrestling meet in Chillicothe for wrestling sectionals and depending on how Drake does I may be there again tomorrow. (Is it wrong to quietly wish you son to lose?) And for my sister Janice if you mention my pending birthday on facebook including my age one more time I will have no other recourse than to use my scanner and post some not so flattering pics of you on facebook. Just a little warning sissy you know I love ya! And to those of you who enquire about my blog please keep the comments coming I like to know that I can make you smile and even laugh a little and it really does encourage me to continue writing so God willing the next snow storm won't be as bad and I can actually kick out a few next week.

Dieting and Clueless Men

Can anyone out there answer this question for me? What in the hell is wrong with men? More importantly what is wrong with husbands? Now I need to say that I have had a battle of the bulge going on since I gave birth to my first born son twenty three years ago. And to say that I have had my ups and downs is putting it mildly. But recently I have managed to lose twenty three pounds and to be honest I am quite proud of myself considering it is the most weight I have lost since my youngest son was born twelve years ago. Each time I slip my shrinking body into the next size down I keep anticipating Tony noticing how fine his wife is looking. Each time I expect him to come in and say something along the lines of "wow babe I don't know what you are doing but you are looking fabulous" or at least give me that quizzical look and say "are you losing weight or something?" I know the first comment would be pretty far fetched as my sweetie is not known for his romantic capabilities but just anything to let me know he notices. Not my man though. I have been waiting on the compliment even an underhanded one to come to no avail. Yet on Saturday evening after another glorious day of wrestling my honey comes home after a quick trip to Walmart and informs me that he ran into some people we used to attend church with. I trying to keep the conversation going (anything to keep from talking about wrestling which is what he usually wants to talk about) ask who it was and how they were doing. This is when my ever lovin tells me they are doing great. Their little girl gets more and more beautiful and even better the mom has lost 13 pounds and is looking great. OMG SERIOUSLY!! He notices and old friend has lost thirteen pounds. This same man who sees me naked has yet to utter a word about me losing nearly double that amount of weight????? Trying to keep my composure and to keep from wrapping my much thinner fingers around his throat I just say "oh that is really nice I am so happy it is a really hard thing to do.......losing weight and all." To which he responds "yep some people just have the will power to stick to it." Okay so this is when I have to leave the room I am considering looking for a nice piece of leather to bite down on so that I don't bite my own tongue off. You see when my husband pardon my french "takes his dumb ass pills" I have a tendency to say things that can't be taken back let alone ever forgotten. So I typically try to go to calm before I speak my mind. Of course before I can get to calm I have to step away from the situation (meaning Tony) and gather my thoughts. Well not so much gathering my thoughts as envisioning me actually saying what I want to say to him and envisioning him in tears at the horrible things his lovely wife has just said to him. Don't worry I only think about it I don't actually do it. But the thought is nice. In my little revenge fantasy I also see my self cutting him off from seeing me naked again until I hit my goal weight. Then my body will be so different he would have to comment on how wonderful I look. But then again I know myself too well and know that this will never happen. He is Tony after all and for whatever warped reason I have I still seventeen years in find him totally irresistible. Which totally sucks! I should have never married such a pretty man. Not to mention that I would just completely snap if I gave up chocolate and that at the same time. Well my cooling off period takes until Sunday before I can even begin to have this conversation with him. So on Sunday morning after our family bible study. (alright I'll admit it) the bible study may have helped to cool me down a little. I finally say "yeah Tony you mentioned our friend and her thirteen pound weight loss yesterday and I was just wondering if you have even noticed the naked lady in your bed has lost some pretty significant weight herself?" "Oh yeah I noticed that" he says. I ask him what would have been so hard to mention it to me maybe? Tony says well I mean people lose weight all the time even you have in the past you go up and you go down. Oh yeah well my weight is about the only thing in this house that going to be going down I can tell him that. This is when my sweet hubby finally gets a clue when he spots the all out rage in my big brown eyes and so the retreat begins. "Well baby you see I don't even notice your weight. You see sweetheart I love you no matter what you are always beautiful to me. The sweet nothings still aren't doing the trick. Does this man have even the slightest clue what sacrifices I have made to do this. Does he have any idea how many ho-ho's, Twinkies, ding dongs and little Debbie treats I have forfeited eating in the laundry room. How many glasses of chocolate milk I have been denied. Does he even know that given the amount of tasty treats I have forgone has probably caused Hostess, Hersheys and Nestles to take a loss during the last quarter of their financial year. Seriously I am one of those people who would actually go to a restaurant and order dessert first if I could. Well I mean I supposed I could but given that I have been let's say "a little on the chubby side" I am sort of paranoid to follow through. So I just order the meal instead. I mean he really doesn't have a clue how embarrassing it is to out weigh your hubby. Not that he has actually ever known my true weight. I mean I would have to kill him if he ever found out. You know when I was younger I would watch television and movies and the man and woman would wake up in bed one morning and the woman would get up first and throw on her hubby/boyfriends dress shirt and go out to make coffee or something. Well let's just say if I tried this with one of Tony's shirts it would not be pretty. It most definitely would not drape over me and hang down to my knees. Let's face it it wouldn't even cover up my naughty parts. And I wouldn't even attempt to try to button it up. Even one time back when we were still dating and I was just a tiny little size three young thing I couldn't pull this off. (Okay if anyone from church is reading this remember God forgives us for our sin) Well I had spent the night at Tony's on a work night which meant I had to get up at the crack of dawn to get home and get ready to make it to work on time. So I slowly extricate myself from his bed and quietly try to dress and get out before I wake him up (he drank a lot back then and was not the happiest of people when he woke) So I slip my clothes on and slip out of the house and as I am making my way home. I realize that my lower extremities are nearly going numb because my pants are soooooooo tight. It gets so bad as I am making my way up 315 North that I am forced to undo the button and zipper on them in order to breathe properly. I am thinking holy crap the painters are really going to do a number this month or I drank a lot more last night then I thought I did. It wasn't until I got home to my own apartment that I realized that I had put on Tony's jeans instead of my own while dressing in the dark. Now imagine being a size three and still not being able to wear your significant others pants. Let alone being let's just say a few sizes up from a size three (you didn't really think I was going to post my jean size on the internet did you?) and he still is wearing the same size jeans he did back then. Come on a size three girl should be able to feel somewhat petite with her man....no not good ole Jami. No she has to pick a small one which only serves to amplify her size. So men listen up if you even think that your wife, daughter, mother, sister, co-worker, aunt, cousin or niece has lost even so much as a pound. MENTION IT!! We like to hear it! It is a real incentive to keep it up. It keeps us going...it keeps us from having hostess feeding frenzies in our laundry rooms. It keeps us from nearly tackling small children as wrestling meets walking around with giant chocolate chip cookies in their hands. It keeps us from nearly slapping our own children who are stuffing their little pie holes with chocolate covered cream filled donuts from Lindsey's. See just making the tiniest little gesture could actually make the world a much safer place. Even the smallest of compliments can keep us from going into chocolate deprived homicidal rage at complete strangers. So really Tony if you read this honey the compliment wouldn't just be for my benefit it would really serve all of humanity. Because you see honey there is a lot at stake here. I mean this whole thing could actually be hurting the economy with the big three (no this term is not just reserved for the auto industry) Hostess, Hersheys and Nestles profit margin at stake as well as the safety of those poor innocent people I encounter in the grocery store and wrestling meets you might want to come off with a little encouragement every now and again. Or you may just find your beautiful wife (his words not mine) sitting on top of the washer during the spin cycle with various Hostess products being shoved down my throat. With a pile of empty wrappers at my feet. So even if you don't think I have lost another pound.....Lie! Some little white lies can actually be good, especially if they serve to make your wife feel better about herself. You know what they say "a happy wife makes a happy home"...and "an angry wife can make your life hell". So women out there feel free to share this with your husbands, boyfriends,, brothers and sons because I am surely not the first and most certainly won't be the last woman to fight the battle of the bulge while with a completely clueless man who fails to mention it or the sacrifices we have made in order to lose weight. Because frankly if my own honey pie doesn't catch on soon I may just resort to eating until I out weigh him by so much that I could actually take him down. Then I could talk about wrestling with him while I have him in a head and arm or a cradle until he taps out. I would like to hear him say he doesn't notice my weight then...when it is all on top of him cutting off his ability to breathe...just like the time I put on his pants by mistake!!