Dieting and Clueless Men

Can anyone out there answer this question for me? What in the hell is wrong with men? More importantly what is wrong with husbands? Now I need to say that I have had a battle of the bulge going on since I gave birth to my first born son twenty three years ago. And to say that I have had my ups and downs is putting it mildly. But recently I have managed to lose twenty three pounds and to be honest I am quite proud of myself considering it is the most weight I have lost since my youngest son was born twelve years ago. Each time I slip my shrinking body into the next size down I keep anticipating Tony noticing how fine his wife is looking. Each time I expect him to come in and say something along the lines of "wow babe I don't know what you are doing but you are looking fabulous" or at least give me that quizzical look and say "are you losing weight or something?" I know the first comment would be pretty far fetched as my sweetie is not known for his romantic capabilities but just anything to let me know he notices. Not my man though. I have been waiting on the compliment even an underhanded one to come to no avail. Yet on Saturday evening after another glorious day of wrestling my honey comes home after a quick trip to Walmart and informs me that he ran into some people we used to attend church with. I trying to keep the conversation going (anything to keep from talking about wrestling which is what he usually wants to talk about) ask who it was and how they were doing. This is when my ever lovin tells me they are doing great. Their little girl gets more and more beautiful and even better the mom has lost 13 pounds and is looking great. OMG SERIOUSLY!! He notices and old friend has lost thirteen pounds. This same man who sees me naked has yet to utter a word about me losing nearly double that amount of weight????? Trying to keep my composure and to keep from wrapping my much thinner fingers around his throat I just say "oh that is really nice I am so happy it is a really hard thing to do.......losing weight and all." To which he responds "yep some people just have the will power to stick to it." Okay so this is when I have to leave the room I am considering looking for a nice piece of leather to bite down on so that I don't bite my own tongue off. You see when my husband pardon my french "takes his dumb ass pills" I have a tendency to say things that can't be taken back let alone ever forgotten. So I typically try to go to calm before I speak my mind. Of course before I can get to calm I have to step away from the situation (meaning Tony) and gather my thoughts. Well not so much gathering my thoughts as envisioning me actually saying what I want to say to him and envisioning him in tears at the horrible things his lovely wife has just said to him. Don't worry I only think about it I don't actually do it. But the thought is nice. In my little revenge fantasy I also see my self cutting him off from seeing me naked again until I hit my goal weight. Then my body will be so different he would have to comment on how wonderful I look. But then again I know myself too well and know that this will never happen. He is Tony after all and for whatever warped reason I have I still seventeen years in find him totally irresistible. Which totally sucks! I should have never married such a pretty man. Not to mention that I would just completely snap if I gave up chocolate and that at the same time. Well my cooling off period takes until Sunday before I can even begin to have this conversation with him. So on Sunday morning after our family bible study. (alright I'll admit it) the bible study may have helped to cool me down a little. I finally say "yeah Tony you mentioned our friend and her thirteen pound weight loss yesterday and I was just wondering if you have even noticed the naked lady in your bed has lost some pretty significant weight herself?" "Oh yeah I noticed that" he says. I ask him what would have been so hard to mention it to me maybe? Tony says well I mean people lose weight all the time even you have in the past you go up and you go down. Oh yeah well my weight is about the only thing in this house that going to be going down I can tell him that. This is when my sweet hubby finally gets a clue when he spots the all out rage in my big brown eyes and so the retreat begins. "Well baby you see I don't even notice your weight. You see sweetheart I love you no matter what you are always beautiful to me. The sweet nothings still aren't doing the trick. Does this man have even the slightest clue what sacrifices I have made to do this. Does he have any idea how many ho-ho's, Twinkies, ding dongs and little Debbie treats I have forfeited eating in the laundry room. How many glasses of chocolate milk I have been denied. Does he even know that given the amount of tasty treats I have forgone has probably caused Hostess, Hersheys and Nestles to take a loss during the last quarter of their financial year. Seriously I am one of those people who would actually go to a restaurant and order dessert first if I could. Well I mean I supposed I could but given that I have been let's say "a little on the chubby side" I am sort of paranoid to follow through. So I just order the meal instead. I mean he really doesn't have a clue how embarrassing it is to out weigh your hubby. Not that he has actually ever known my true weight. I mean I would have to kill him if he ever found out. You know when I was younger I would watch television and movies and the man and woman would wake up in bed one morning and the woman would get up first and throw on her hubby/boyfriends dress shirt and go out to make coffee or something. Well let's just say if I tried this with one of Tony's shirts it would not be pretty. It most definitely would not drape over me and hang down to my knees. Let's face it it wouldn't even cover up my naughty parts. And I wouldn't even attempt to try to button it up. Even one time back when we were still dating and I was just a tiny little size three young thing I couldn't pull this off. (Okay if anyone from church is reading this remember God forgives us for our sin) Well I had spent the night at Tony's on a work night which meant I had to get up at the crack of dawn to get home and get ready to make it to work on time. So I slowly extricate myself from his bed and quietly try to dress and get out before I wake him up (he drank a lot back then and was not the happiest of people when he woke) So I slip my clothes on and slip out of the house and as I am making my way home. I realize that my lower extremities are nearly going numb because my pants are soooooooo tight. It gets so bad as I am making my way up 315 North that I am forced to undo the button and zipper on them in order to breathe properly. I am thinking holy crap the painters are really going to do a number this month or I drank a lot more last night then I thought I did. It wasn't until I got home to my own apartment that I realized that I had put on Tony's jeans instead of my own while dressing in the dark. Now imagine being a size three and still not being able to wear your significant others pants. Let alone being let's just say a few sizes up from a size three (you didn't really think I was going to post my jean size on the internet did you?) and he still is wearing the same size jeans he did back then. Come on a size three girl should be able to feel somewhat petite with her man....no not good ole Jami. No she has to pick a small one which only serves to amplify her size. So men listen up if you even think that your wife, daughter, mother, sister, co-worker, aunt, cousin or niece has lost even so much as a pound. MENTION IT!! We like to hear it! It is a real incentive to keep it up. It keeps us going...it keeps us from having hostess feeding frenzies in our laundry rooms. It keeps us from nearly tackling small children as wrestling meets walking around with giant chocolate chip cookies in their hands. It keeps us from nearly slapping our own children who are stuffing their little pie holes with chocolate covered cream filled donuts from Lindsey's. See just making the tiniest little gesture could actually make the world a much safer place. Even the smallest of compliments can keep us from going into chocolate deprived homicidal rage at complete strangers. So really Tony if you read this honey the compliment wouldn't just be for my benefit it would really serve all of humanity. Because you see honey there is a lot at stake here. I mean this whole thing could actually be hurting the economy with the big three (no this term is not just reserved for the auto industry) Hostess, Hersheys and Nestles profit margin at stake as well as the safety of those poor innocent people I encounter in the grocery store and wrestling meets you might want to come off with a little encouragement every now and again. Or you may just find your beautiful wife (his words not mine) sitting on top of the washer during the spin cycle with various Hostess products being shoved down my throat. With a pile of empty wrappers at my feet. So even if you don't think I have lost another pound.....Lie! Some little white lies can actually be good, especially if they serve to make your wife feel better about herself. You know what they say "a happy wife makes a happy home"...and "an angry wife can make your life hell". So women out there feel free to share this with your husbands, boyfriends,, brothers and sons because I am surely not the first and most certainly won't be the last woman to fight the battle of the bulge while with a completely clueless man who fails to mention it or the sacrifices we have made in order to lose weight. Because frankly if my own honey pie doesn't catch on soon I may just resort to eating until I out weigh him by so much that I could actually take him down. Then I could talk about wrestling with him while I have him in a head and arm or a cradle until he taps out. I would like to hear him say he doesn't notice my weight then...when it is all on top of him cutting off his ability to breathe...just like the time I put on his pants by mistake!!