The Housewife's Revenge(Domestic Queen)

Granted I have to admit that I have now suffered PMS for approximately three weeks straight and still no sign of the actual painters showing up. And yes this particular month I will admit that this is probably the worse case of PMS on record if the medical industry would actually bother to truly study this topic. They really don't have time I understand since all of their focus is currently on the next new drug treatment for limp noodle syndrome. An example of just how bad this is I actually went shopping at Tuttle this weekend and I will say proudly that I purchased a pair of jeans in a size that I have not been able to squeeze into since Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby was topping the charts. Even with the glorious moment that I have waited over 16 years to achieve could not appease the hormones apparently raging inside. I have gone from complete homicidal rage contemplating running over old people at Walmart who were in my way to slapping young children in the mall who got on my nerves just because they were there. Then the following moment to blubbering crying attacks because of what a wretched human being I am. With all of this I still can not deny the fact that I live in a house with the most ungrateful lazy group of men (boys) on the planet. Now if you will recall in my last blog I recited some of my hard work last week. I didn't even begin to mention all of the other things I did that would have probably got me nominated for wife and mother of the year. Things such as, packing Tony's lunch each day. Shoveling a path to his vehicle, removing ice from his vehicle, and warming the truck up. Making breakfast for the kids, (no not just a bowl of cereal actual breakfast that required me utilizing my stove and toaster.)Preparing and having Tony's coffee ready and waiting by the front door in his favorite mug. To shoveling the drive way last Wednesday so Tony wouldn't have to when he came home. I won't even mention the more intimate things I will just say that Tony is one extremely lucky man. But today baby it is a new day and I have had it seeing that no one felt it necessary to say so much as a meager thank you Mom, thank you Honey I have reached my boiling point. My boiling point is not pretty, my family refers to it as going from zero to crazy in the blink of an eye. So today I am going to implement "The Housewife's Revenge", my family obviously thinks my job in life is to go around behind them picking up and putting away every item they wear, eat from, utilize, drop, read or play with. But today they are going to get what's coming to them. I have devised a plan to let them know where I am coming from. I have located in my newly organized pantry my giant contractor trash bags which I will cut and duck tape together today to make tarps from both of the boys beds and for Tony's half of our king size bed. These said tarps are going to be put down right where they intend to sleep tonight. This will not be an easy task for any of them as the second phase of my plan is to gather any and all items that I am expected to pick up after them and have them laying on these tarps. Items such as, dirty socks, dirty underwear, damp towels thrown on the floor, tooth brushes left lying on the counter (even though there are toothbrush holders right next to where they leave them laying.) hangers thrown on the floor of the closet, magazines left lying on my couch, guitar picks, board games, i-pods, nerf guns. All items will be place on top of each tarp according to who left said item laying out for Mom/Wife to pick up wash and put back in it's proper location. Phase three of this plan includes items not before mentioned items which include all food items such as, cereal bowls with some cereal and milk in them, water, soda and gatorade bottles over half full left on nightstands dressers, counters, end tables, coffee tables, computer desk. Opened bags of chips, half eaten pop tarts and even a couple of pizza rolls left lying on a plate on my dining room table. All of these once consumable items will be sitting on tonight's dinner table. I think I may even light a few candles to set the moods. And when they all come strolling in this evening and ask what's for dinner I will sweep my arm in a fashion similar to Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and point out the spread on the table. I may even get real brash and type out a cool menu in a great font on my new laptop perhaps something like this. McComas Family Table on tonight's menu: Aged cinnamon toast crunch served with curdled milk, one stale frosted cherry pop tart, one half eaten bag of ruffles potato chips left open to insure the aging process, drink options are abundant, red gatorade, blue G2, Dr. Pepper, Sierra Mist and even one McDonalds fountain drink as well as several assorted bottles of water all of which are partially consumed. Then for dessert I intend to present them with a display of rock hard brownies which I lovingly made this weekend cut into Pettibone sized slices and wisely placed in the covered cake container that I swiped from my mothers at one of our family functions. The very same cake container with a snap on lid that someone got into last night ate half of a brownie left the other half in the container and them proceeded to leave the lid off of all night. Now folks if this plan goes over and plays out like I think it will I will grab my laptop and post something on facebook from my mothers house where I will probably be staying for a couple of days. I am thinking a party at mom's since she abandoned me along with the rest of my biological family. I will let everyone know what time the festivities will start. Another added benefit to my plan is when Tony comes home tonight and sees this glorious display he won't have to ask what I did all day. He will be able to see for himself exactly what I did since what I did will delay his plan of laying in the bed with the remote grasped firmly in his hand until he puts away all the items from the homemade tarp covering his half of the bed. Now if he decides to partake in the fabulous meal on the table I don't see him resting comfortably in bed personally I think he will be quite attached to the toilet from food poisoning.