A little kitty and little wood (don't be perverted)

Well my new family member is still working out. She has survived nearly two weeks at our humble abode AKA The Wild Kingdom as my sister's like to call it. I will tell you our new addition has caused a little extra work on my part. Between my two dogs, the new cat, the raccoon, the opossum, the ground hog, and the giant chicken hawks I can happily report everyone is alive and well. Due to the addition of Berlin to the family every morning begins now with me being on wild animal control in our front yard. At approximately six am each morning I have to don my big purple robe and go out on wild animal patrol to make sure it is safe to have Berlin exit her house. I then have to scoop her up and hold her while Tony releases the hounds (Buster and Boswell) I have to hold Berlin in one arm and hold the broom in the other to fend of Boswell from attacking poor Berlin and vice versa. This I will tell you is a whole bunch of fun trying to hold onto a cat that is hissing and clawing trying to get at the dog and the dog is jumping up and baring his teeth. I do feel blood pressure meds are in my near future if this is to become my new morning ritual. Part two requires me screaming at Buster to stay in the front where I can see him for fear that Rocky the Raccoon will attack him while I am trying to keep Berlin and Boswell from attacking each other. I will say this does serve as a great excuse for me not to do any type of cardio exercise though because in my head I am sure my heart rate is at optimal fat burning speed before I ever even get my first cup of coffee. This makes sense doesn't it? Just tell me I am right and get it over with! After getting the dogs back inside and Berlin safe I feed her which immediately sends her into some form of hysteria running all over the front yard and up and down every tree in the yard. Then she positions herself under Tony's truck to catch her breathe. She does this just about the time Tony is ready to leave for work. So once again I am back outside in my giant Barney robe trying to coax her out from under the truck so Tony can leave. I am not sure if I have told you Tony is not well known for his patience. He is under the impression that all the planets and all the people and animals should fall in line and work around his schedule. I feel this may be a sign of insanity for him as he has been married to me after all for nearly two decades. Why on earth he would get the impression that things go as planned after all these years I will never figure out! OMG I think my ADD just kicked in I totally forgot to mention the most amazing discovery I had yesterday. Let me tell you first that I am married to a contractor/carpenter. All of you ladies know what this means. I have the ugliest most unfinished house on the street. Although I have managed to get at least part of Peyton's bedroom remodel finished. I had to do this my draping everything in plastic and forcing my sweet baby to sleep on the couch for the last three weeks. I began working on the nail holes and plastering BB holes, and some larger ones that I am sure came from some sort of automatic weapon like perhaps an AK47 or something. I was hoping this would be enough to get Tony moving and actually finish the project. Especially since Peyton sleeping and playing his videos on Tony's prized new plat screen television. My plan did not work...that is until I purchase the paint and began to paint the room myself. When Tony discovered that I was trying my hand at painting he finally painted the room in less than an hour!!!! One hour yeah I have been waiting for three weeks and sweating and you do this in an hour. Since Tony was so kind as to do the painting finally I thought I would help out by installing the new closet organizer that I stole from my Mom's basement to keep the remodel going. So yesterday morning after everyone left I grab my drill, screwdriver, hammer (just in case) and level and try to begin the installation of this closet system. All I have to say for this system is unless you want to drive yourself totally coo coo don't buy one. To install this damn thing you would need sixteen hands and an engineering degree from MIT to actually be able to get this done. After struggling for over an hour and half with this system from hell. I gave up I went into the other closet and seen that Tony had used wood to create shelves in other closets. This looked much easier. I went in got dressed in my very best Pickaway County housewife attire (big ugly t-shirt, big ugly jeans, tennis shoes and a pony tail) and took my domestic butt to Sutherlands. This is where the great discovery was made!! OMG it is my own little nirvana they will cut wood for you if you have the measurements. This is my greatest discovery yet. See I have asked Tony on multiple occasions to show me how to use the big power tools. Or at least a couple of the saws and he always points out that perhaps it is not the best idea for me to be using tools that have the ability to cut off my hands and or fingers while home alone is not a wise idea. He used to make sure he took every power tool he owned to work with him. Now he has started leaving some of them in our shed at home he only does this now because he knows that I will no longer enter our shed. Last month a snake was discovered right inside the shed door on two different occasions. The first one by Tony who did actually manage to kill it. But two days later when I went to get something there was another one. So now given my, what Tony's classifies as irrational fear of snakes (just because one time I launched myself butt first out of a window six feet off the ground screaming and crying) he knows he can put anything in that shed and I will never ever ever for all of my days on earth enter it again!!!! But that will no longer keep me from attempting to remodel the house, thanks to this new discovery. I don't need his stinking power tools he can put them in the shed if wants I will not be stopped!!! I will be like those do it yourselfers on HGTV. Even though he won't admit it to me I know he was really impressed when I showed him the new shelf I installed in Peyton's closet. Granted he did role his eyes when he asked what type of screws I used for the supports and I told him I kind lost patience with the drill and opted to use giant nails and a hammer instead.(see I knew from the get go that the hammer would be needed) I already have the wood cut and ready to install another one in Drake's closet this week. I also have some great plans for a few other little projects I have been asking him to do as well. The home stores not only cut rough lumber for you they will cut trim as well. I am just tickled pink and I think Tony is ready to up the dosage of his blood pressure medicine. Oh yeah and if anyone with an engineering degree and the patience of Job would like a closet organizer system I have one available I can just duct tape it all back in the box. Well folks I gotta go for now. There is a shelf needing installing and I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the two by fours and 5/8 inch plywood I have hidden in my Denali before Tony gets home. I tell you what Tony just needs to realize what a catch I am..I mean I can cook, I can clean, I have mad laundry skills and now I can even do home remodeling. Not to even mention that I can remove and install that plunger thingy in the toilets I just did that last week. He is sooooo lucky!! Until next time happy remodeling!!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats (Part II)

Okay Drake is all recovered and everyone is off to school and back to work. So back to Kittygate 2010. When I last left you I had explained the first half of my day on Friday. As I arrive home from my lone lunch and shopping adventure on Friday I have just enough time to sprinkle some carpet fresh, vacuum and spray my Febreeze so that Tony will think I have worked my little domestic hands all day long. Since it is Friday night I know that everyone in my home with testicles will be heading off to a local football game for the night. Yes I do have two male dogs but I had their stuff cut off so they can stay. I look so forward to Friday night football season because it is the only night of the week that I can actually hold the remote controls and watch whatever I choose on the TV. I even manage to gather up all the dirty clothes throughout the house and shove all of it into the washer so that Tony will think I have done the laundry as well. See I know he will be in such a rush to get to the game he wouldn't think to open the washer and see that I have whites, darks, towels and unmentionables crammed in their. Besides that I don't think anyone in the house knows what the washer is. I think my family believes that the washer walks out of the laundry room gathers all of their wet towels, dirty undies, sweaty T-shirts and gazillion pairs of gym shorts off of the floor and one hour and fifteen minutes later the washer walks back out and hangs everything either back in the closet or in the drawers. But that is another blog all together! When I hear Tony and Drake pull into the driveway I hop over to the couch to grab my book and act like I have the house cleaned and am just sitting around reading and relaxing. This little trick gives Tony the impression that I have completed all of my domestic duties in the morning and that our home is one well oiled machine. If he could only knew what a complete procrastinator his wife truly is he would be appalled. Tony walks in and ask me to come out on the porch to talk for a bit before he leaves for the Circleville game. Just as I am walking out to join him Drake is exiting Tony's truck with a big cardboard box making his way for the house. I ask Drake "what is that box for do you have some sort of project to work on this weekend?" Drake nonchalantly says "no Mom this is a cat I got from some kid at school." "Oh really did I not make it clear to you last week when you ask about the cat that I DO NOT LIKE CATS, and I will not have one in my home. I have a hard enough time cleaning up the messes from all of you and the two dogs." Drakes says "don't worry Mom the cat isn't for us I brought it home for my friend Austin." When I ask him what time Austin will be arriving to get the cat he informs me that Austin is busy tonight hanging out with friends and won't be coming until tomorrow. Okey dokey so what in the $%^*) am I supposed to do to keep the cat safe and in the yard for the night. Drake suggest that I allow him inside just for tonight. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I tell him that the kitten will just have to stay in the box for the night. Then I ask him what am I supposed to give this kitten to eat he can't stay here all night without having some food. This is when Tony gets up and says he has that covered he stopped and purchased cat food for her on the way home. This same man who acts like I am asking him to donate a kidney if I ask him to stop and pick up milk for me...oh but for the cute little kitten he can make a trip to Kroger I see! Tony purchasing several cans of cat food should have been my first clue that this was not what is appeared. I fed the cat gave her some water and told them to put her in the box for the evening. Drake tells me to quit calling her it or her that her name is Berlin..really so she has a name. This should have been another clue that this was not looking good for me. Tony uses the over under method to shut the box to no avail. She managed to free herself as soon as Tony and Drake when inside to get ready for the game. Did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS?!. not only do I not like cat I am deathly afraid of them and their little sharp claws. I start yelling for Tony or Drake or anyone who can hear to please come out and get this kitten her is purring and crawling up my leg like I am her long lost mother. Of course no one hears me or comes to my rescue! Berlin manages to climb into my lap up my stomach and reaches out her paw like she is going to take a nice sharp swipe at my face. Then she ever so gently starts petting my face sans claws. Just when I think she is going to start tearing flesh from my aging face giving me a horrible case of cat scratch fever she turns all sweet and delicate. (Uh oh I could be in trouble here) Something sweet and delicate in my house I wouldn't know what to do. I would be willing to be she doesn't even fart! And she doesn't have testicles that she can scratch! Tony Drake and Peyton all leave for the games and instead of my relaxing night of TV and control of the remote. I spend the entire evening running in and out of my house checking to make sure Berlin hasn't escaped and that one of the many creatures in my yard hasn't had her for dinner. Drake of course doesn't come home after the game he informs me that he is going into town with friends and ask to spend the night with Aaron. Great just great! I wake up at 5:30 am on Saturday morning unable to sleep from worry that Berlin has gotten out and been attacked by the giant raccoon in my yard.
I end up sitting outside in my bathrobe until about ten am when Tony finally comes out. I had to spend an entire Saturday morning keeping vigil over a cat that isn't even mine. At round noon when Drake hasn't even called and Austin has yet to show up to pick up HIS cat. I finally call Drake and ask him to make contact with Austin to find out what time he is coming. Drake calls me back nearly an hour later to inform me that Austin will not be able to come until at least tonight. Right as I am beginning to give him the lecture Berlin finally claws her way out of the box I am screaming at Drake on the phone that she has escaped and that there is nothing I can do if she runs off or gets injured. He acts like this is no big deal he says it will be fine! Sometimes it should be legal to strangle a teenager!! In defeat I run inside to get another can of cat food in hopes that if I feed her she will stick around the house and not run off to be attacked or injured by any of the other creatures. Drake and Austin finally show up at the house only to let me know they are heading out to a show in Chillicothe and Austin will be spending the night with us tonight and will finally take Berlin home with him on Sunday. Just flipping fabulous! Berlin did manage to figure out that she can find shelter under my porch thank God. On Sunday morning up at 5:15 am once again worried about her I spend several hours on the porch once again standing guard. When Drake and Austin finally wake up at around noon Austin says he is heading home that he has a busy day I remind him not to forget the Berlin when he goes out and to go ahead and take the remaining cans of food for her. I say goodbye to Austin and head off to take my shower. After I have showered and dressed I make my way outside to remind Tony that I have to get going soon because I have to be in Cleveland to see Jackson Brown tonight I see that Tony is sitting at the picnic table with Peyton and Drake and guess what is sitting on his lap. My head spends towards the driveway only to discover that Austin's car is gone and the cat is still here!! When I ask why Austin is gone and the cat is not, Peyton says Dad told Austin never mind and we get to keep the cat!! And Dad is going to build her a little cat house and isn't it awesome Mom!! OMG did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS!! Does anyone around here listen to a dag gone thing I say. Well my name is Jami I still DON'T LIKE CATS although I do love my little Berlin who curls herself around my feet and gently climbs into my lap every morning and caresses my face with her delicate little paws and purrs when I rub her back. And she is mine she likes me best unlike my male dogs who don't listen any better than Tony or the boys do. and I finally have something female at my house and I am her favorite one she won't come out from under the porch unless I lure her out. I love it! Tony just called to say that is building her the cat house today and that he already has the wood and insulation for it and we are going to even put siding on it to match the shed and the house. Now I need to go so I can get to Mom's then to Pet Smart to look for furnishings for Berlin's Kitty Condo! I till DON'T LIKE CATS! But Berlin is just special!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats? Part 1

Only in Jami world can these things actually happen! Last week I talked with Michelle and even managed to stop in for a brief visit early in the week. We had a nice chat and planned on making a girl day on Friday to do lunch and perhaps a little retail therapy while our boys were in school. After the long rather sad week we had in losing one of our friends from school. We decided to have a fun time together and actually get out of our respective homes for a few hours. On Friday morning looking so forward to a girls day out with one of my best friends I was extremely motivated showered dressed and called the salon for a hair appointment and managed to make the bed a load of laundry and cleaned up breakfast dishes. All of this prior to 8:35 am, needless to say I had my A game on. I immediately called Michelle to see where we going to go and what we were going to get into, when to my heart's distress she didn't answer her phone. I decided I would go ahead and leave for my appointment and call her from the road. Maybe we could still meet up after my appointment and grab lunch or even get pedi's. I actually arrived at my appointment early which is something I rarely do. (Just ask my family) I decide to wander into Lane Bryant only to discover that they no longer sale pants small enough to fit me!!!!!! Yeah that's right they don't carry my size, sorry I may be bragging a bit but I have to admit my ego was boosted big time. And to top it off I am getting a new do and a little pampering at the Salon. Ever the optimist I am sure by the time I have finished with my appointment Michelle will answer her phone and we can meet for lunch and talk and laugh like we always do. Well optimism sometimes isn't all it is cracked up to be you know? Michelle still doesn't answer her phone. Still tyring to keep my bubbly state going I convince myself that in spite of my lack of female companionship I will have my retail therapy alone. I mean I can do that for crying out loud, so what if I have no one around to share it with. I just seen Eat Pray Love at the movies with Julia Roberts and if that chick can take of to three foreign countries for a year. I can manage TJ Maxx without having a pity party. I was right TJ Maxx is just fun with or without friends. I was grabbing things off the rack to try on like I possessed an unlimited American Express card and actually had employment. Off to the fitting room I go. (by the way TJ Maxx policy is only 10 items at a time in the dressing room) So I asked the fitting room attendant (personal shopper well in my mind anyway) to hold the other items on her rack until I try on the first ten. Being that I am alone and have no one with me to offer an opinion on anything. I am able to see that a couple of items I chose were definite "NO'S" not flattering in any way shape or form or in any three way mirrors with fluorescent lighting. But some of the other items I really needed a second opinion. This is where I turned the poor unwitting fitting room attendant and perhaps a few other retail therapy patients into my own personal shoppers. After my personal shopper allowed me my second round of items and after modeling said items for her as well as a few other customers. I realized that I had turned the fitting room into Jami's personal fashion runway show then add the fact that I don't have an unlimited budget or credit card I decided to end the fashion show and for go trying on round three items. I come out of the dressing room hand my much perturbed personal shopper all of my items except for three really cute shirts and head to the check out. (I don't think the fitting room attendant liked me.) She didn't even smile when I pointed out that I had purchased one of the shirts she said didn't make my boobs look too big. Granted she only told me this because I ask her the direct question, "are you sure this doesn't make my boobs look too big?" Off to the check out with my meager purchases I try one more time to contact Michelle to no avail. I contemplated waiting a little longer and trying to call Michelle again when my stomach makes it's own protest and has informed me waiting any longer to hear from Michelle is not an option. They say many often think with parts on their bodies other than their brains. Well I don't think we women should be so quick to judge, I have found that my stomach has often called the shots over my head and my heart. So to Steak and Shake I go the Frisco Melt is calling my name. The stupid hostess sits me in a giant booth which makes it look even more awkward that I am occupying a big booth for one. I think she was trying to taunt me like some sort of school yard bully....ha haha haha ha you don't have any friends and you have to eat alone! Look at her everyone she is all by herself scarfing down a Frisco Melt like she has been in prison. Isn't she funny trying to look all smart and confident with her bifocals and her book. She is trying to pretend she enjoys this maybe all of us folks here at Steak and Shake should make her a big sign that says "LOSER" and sit it in the booth with her. Well maybe it wasn't that bad but it did sort of feel like she was trying to taunt me especially when she asked me if this would be on one check. I finally snapped and said "no actually I thought perhaps those two old coots in the corner who have stared at me the entire meal could split the cost of the stupid Frisco Melt and salad or maybe even you would like to chip in?" The Steak and Shake waitress didn't find my humor anymore than the personal shopper at TJ Maxx did? When I finally am making my way home and since I can no longer shop at Lane Bryant I decide I have the right to a McDonald's Mocha Frappe as a treat for myself. I try Michelle one more time to fill her in on my day. Michelle then proceeds to tell me that she just got home from Grove City, TJ Maxx to be specific she needed some retail therapy as well. She had posted on my Facebook which in my rush for my girls day did not get checked this morning. Upon further conversation I explain that I too have been in Grove City TJ Maxx as well. I tell her I will be at her house in a few minutes to compare receipts and purchases. At Michelle's house upon comparing receipts we discover that we were in TJ's at the same time and actually checked out about 6 minutes apart!! OMG seriously I subjected the poor attendant and several other unwilling shoppers and my friend was in the store the entire time. You have got to be kidding me. Michelle did bring up a valid point that maybe since we didn't reach each other at home we might have been smart enough to call each other's cell phones. Well isn't that just the grandest idea ever? Cell phones who knew they could be so convenient? Obviously not Michelle or I! Seriously, I haven't even gotten to the part about the stupid cat yet, but Drake just called from his new school and is locked in a bathroom stall with let's just say some "intestinal issues" and I need to go pick him up. So the story of the cat will have to come in two installments unfortunately. I will just label this on Did I Mention I Don't Like Cat's (Part 1). I will try to have installment two up later today, but that will depend heavily on the amount of intestinal trouble Drake is suffering. If not I will get part 2 tomorrow. I don't want to leave this like a Dallas cliff hanger for you fine readers so I will say this there is a cat her name is Berlin and apparently I am her new owner. Oops almost forgot to add part one to the title of this one! Soon good readers soon I will finish the entire saga of "Kittygate 2010" until then I need to go rescue Drake from the bathroom stall at school. Good day and blessings to each of you!!

Undergarments!! Yikes!

Wow I can't believe summer is over and in all that time I have not managed to write anything. I guess it just proves my point that I can only write in silence and alone. Obviously in the summer at the McComas house silence or being alone at anytime is not an option. So last night Preston calls me to jump on me about not writing anything in my blog as well as not doing anything toward getting my book submitted for publication. He informed me that he will be taking over the role of motivator and marketer for all things Mom. When I ask him if he was going to be my very own Julian Michael's (the biggest loser meanie) of writing he mentioned that I may want to find time to incorporate my pilates routine as well. When I informed him that I can't be writing and exercising everyday that there just wasn't enough time to do it all his reply was "well I kinda think there is." Oh really you kinda do? Well I kinda find your young twenty something energy and organization annoying! I am well aware that our roles change with our children as we get older I mean I know that they say eventually the parent becomes the child and vice versa. Heck I have even experienced some of this myself with my own mother. But come on this crap shouldn't start at 40.........1 there alright 41 yes I said 41dammit! And while I am at yeah, I have tri-focals and yeah now more days than not I find more gray wiry antenna like hairs sprouting from my once glorious red locks and yes shopping for bras is no longer based on cute lacy little numbers. I am now forced to select under garments based on structural integrity instead of color or sexiness. It is a sad sad day when undergarment shopping requires a girl to think about engineering instead of color and texture. Things like underwire, percentage of lycra, nipple petals and lift. If you asked me the lift thing is a bit much for crying outloud I went just last week with my sisters shopping and we ended up in the intimate's department shopping for items to hold certain things in place. The very things that used to stay in place all by themselves now require scientific study and engineering. What mother nature once did all by herself now has rooms full of people many of them men I presume according to how some of these things are designed. I tried on one over the shoulder boulder holder that had my girls lifted so high up it looked like I was comfortably resting my chin on someone's ass. This garment produced enough lift and cleavage that I literally could have stored most of the contents of my purse between them without those items being seen. I am about to start and petition and protest on the undergarment industry I want to know who is behind some of these contraptions and if in designing these items if anyone bothered to actually try them on any "real" women. Some of these things had my girls performing tricks that I didn't even know they could perform. I haven't even mentioned the so called "body shapers" yet. At least I now know why they call them "body shapers" they certainly can shape a body I am just not sure what the shape is in some of them or even if it is a shape that should ever be seen or has been seen in nature.And I just love the names for these "body shapers" too one is called "Spanx" these are the ones Oprah and Beyonce swear by. I will admit they are great but "Spanx" really? What is the meaning behind that are girls who like food supposed to be spanked are we bad little girls for having a little (okay so alot) of junk in the trunk. The one combination of bra and body shaper had my girls directly below my chin and had my thighs and butt as lifted and smooth as when I was a fifteen year old. The only problem was that somewhere between where the "body shaper" ended and the bra began it looked like I was ready for the pool as I had what looked like a small childs intertube on. Another look that I thought I should try was a minimizer bra with a full body shaper that went clear up to my bra. Warning, warning....never ever ever put a minimizer bra on. Now I know why they say if you got it flaunt it! A minimizer bra and body shaper combo does absolutely nothing to help a girl's self esteem. This deadly combo made me look exactly like Fred Flinstone. I am not exaggerating this point. I was literally square. I looked more like a linebacker than a lady.This look had me so blocky and square that you could have painted me scarlet and gray and I could have been the new mascot for OSU the walking talking Block O. Boobs even ones that are gravitationally challenged are better than trying to make it look like you don't have them.Which is exactly what my sweet hubby Tony would like. They do serve to give the appearance of a waistline. Then last night watching TV with Tony the new Vicotria's Secret commercial comes on with their new slogan "I love my Body" of course you love your body who wouldn't? I mean if I invested thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery for my body I would love mine too. Really just sitting here looking at your bodies I love them and by the look on Tony's face he is quite smitten with your bodies as well. Where is the freaking Dove commercial when you need it? Real women with real cellulite and stretch marks and gravity and bloating. Victoria's secret I will tell you what her secret is...it is surgically enhanced airbrushed anorexic woman in their unmentionables. Yes I am quite bitter the wounds of last weeks shopping are too fresh for me to endure looking at these bodies that are untainable on my TV with my hubby. I mean what must he think..does he think looking like that is even possible for the average woman? Well all this talk of the perils of undergarment shopping has me thinking perhaps Preston has a point and I should probably keep this one short and take the stupid twenty minutes and do the flipping pilates dvd. Maybe if I did manage to shape my body through exercise I could eliminate the need for further humiliation in the dressing room. But then again if I looked really good I would lose some of my writing material....hummm quite a quandry? What is a girl to do? I just don't know I will have another cup of coffee and think it over. I will let you know what I decided on next time...until then Yabba Dabba Dooooo!