Undergarments!! Yikes!

Wow I can't believe summer is over and in all that time I have not managed to write anything. I guess it just proves my point that I can only write in silence and alone. Obviously in the summer at the McComas house silence or being alone at anytime is not an option. So last night Preston calls me to jump on me about not writing anything in my blog as well as not doing anything toward getting my book submitted for publication. He informed me that he will be taking over the role of motivator and marketer for all things Mom. When I ask him if he was going to be my very own Julian Michael's (the biggest loser meanie) of writing he mentioned that I may want to find time to incorporate my pilates routine as well. When I informed him that I can't be writing and exercising everyday that there just wasn't enough time to do it all his reply was "well I kinda think there is." Oh really you kinda do? Well I kinda find your young twenty something energy and organization annoying! I am well aware that our roles change with our children as we get older I mean I know that they say eventually the parent becomes the child and vice versa. Heck I have even experienced some of this myself with my own mother. But come on this crap shouldn't start at 40.........1 there alright 41 yes I said 41dammit! And while I am at yeah, I have tri-focals and yeah now more days than not I find more gray wiry antenna like hairs sprouting from my once glorious red locks and yes shopping for bras is no longer based on cute lacy little numbers. I am now forced to select under garments based on structural integrity instead of color or sexiness. It is a sad sad day when undergarment shopping requires a girl to think about engineering instead of color and texture. Things like underwire, percentage of lycra, nipple petals and lift. If you asked me the lift thing is a bit much for crying outloud I went just last week with my sisters shopping and we ended up in the intimate's department shopping for items to hold certain things in place. The very things that used to stay in place all by themselves now require scientific study and engineering. What mother nature once did all by herself now has rooms full of people many of them men I presume according to how some of these things are designed. I tried on one over the shoulder boulder holder that had my girls lifted so high up it looked like I was comfortably resting my chin on someone's ass. This garment produced enough lift and cleavage that I literally could have stored most of the contents of my purse between them without those items being seen. I am about to start and petition and protest on the undergarment industry I want to know who is behind some of these contraptions and if in designing these items if anyone bothered to actually try them on any "real" women. Some of these things had my girls performing tricks that I didn't even know they could perform. I haven't even mentioned the so called "body shapers" yet. At least I now know why they call them "body shapers" they certainly can shape a body I am just not sure what the shape is in some of them or even if it is a shape that should ever be seen or has been seen in nature.And I just love the names for these "body shapers" too one is called "Spanx" these are the ones Oprah and Beyonce swear by. I will admit they are great but "Spanx" really? What is the meaning behind that are girls who like food supposed to be spanked are we bad little girls for having a little (okay so alot) of junk in the trunk. The one combination of bra and body shaper had my girls directly below my chin and had my thighs and butt as lifted and smooth as when I was a fifteen year old. The only problem was that somewhere between where the "body shaper" ended and the bra began it looked like I was ready for the pool as I had what looked like a small childs intertube on. Another look that I thought I should try was a minimizer bra with a full body shaper that went clear up to my bra. Warning, warning....never ever ever put a minimizer bra on. Now I know why they say if you got it flaunt it! A minimizer bra and body shaper combo does absolutely nothing to help a girl's self esteem. This deadly combo made me look exactly like Fred Flinstone. I am not exaggerating this point. I was literally square. I looked more like a linebacker than a lady.This look had me so blocky and square that you could have painted me scarlet and gray and I could have been the new mascot for OSU the walking talking Block O. Boobs even ones that are gravitationally challenged are better than trying to make it look like you don't have them.Which is exactly what my sweet hubby Tony would like. They do serve to give the appearance of a waistline. Then last night watching TV with Tony the new Vicotria's Secret commercial comes on with their new slogan "I love my Body" of course you love your body who wouldn't? I mean if I invested thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery for my body I would love mine too. Really just sitting here looking at your bodies I love them and by the look on Tony's face he is quite smitten with your bodies as well. Where is the freaking Dove commercial when you need it? Real women with real cellulite and stretch marks and gravity and bloating. Victoria's secret I will tell you what her secret is...it is surgically enhanced airbrushed anorexic woman in their unmentionables. Yes I am quite bitter the wounds of last weeks shopping are too fresh for me to endure looking at these bodies that are untainable on my TV with my hubby. I mean what must he think..does he think looking like that is even possible for the average woman? Well all this talk of the perils of undergarment shopping has me thinking perhaps Preston has a point and I should probably keep this one short and take the stupid twenty minutes and do the flipping pilates dvd. Maybe if I did manage to shape my body through exercise I could eliminate the need for further humiliation in the dressing room. But then again if I looked really good I would lose some of my writing material....hummm quite a quandry? What is a girl to do? I just don't know I will have another cup of coffee and think it over. I will let you know what I decided on next time...until then Yabba Dabba Dooooo!