Woo what a week!

You all know about the idiot raccoon that is terrorizing me. Yeah he has built some sort of condo or villa underneath my front porch. And every morning he meanders out once I open the front door. Only after some sort of ritual he does under the porch that is very noisy. I feel this is most likely his way of letting me know he is not happy that I woke him at such an hour. See I have to go out and get him out and on his way to his daytime residence before I can let my two jack russells out to do their morning ritual. Even though I have to admit I am not overly fond of my dogs I really couldn't stand the thoughts of the giant raccoon gnawing and clawing their little eyes out. Plus I do not handle blood well...even little doggie blood. Even though many members of my family affectionately refer to me as "the world's worst dog owner." (These family members mind you have no children) Busters ritual is run frantically in the front yard and attempt peeing on every surface you can find. Boswell runs around for ten minutes trying to pick a location to make his deposit.After ten minutes finally decides prime locale only to stop after making a small deposit then goes in search of a second location. My husband Tony refers to him as a "two squatter". So my morning ritual is now to rouse the raccoon from his porch condo so that I can safely allow my dogs to do their thing. So this morning I get "Rocky" out and on his way. (yes I figured is he was going to take up residence here I might as well give him a name to avoid confusion) I then get the children out and onto the bus. Yes I am aware it is Saturday but thanks to the long harsh winter and about a million snow days. My children are now subjected to Saturday school for the next month. Rocky out check, Drake and Peyton out check. Buster and Boswell out....holy crap Why is Rocky back? Grabbing my handy dandy BB gun to prepare myself for defending my little dogs from this absurdly obese raccoon. As I am pumping the gun to prepare to shoot all the while praying my eyesight is better during the day than the evening. See I shot my flower pot last week attempting to shoot Rocky. the temp is somewhere in the thirties and I am sweating bullets....or should I say sweating BB's? Praying that I don't take out my dog instead of the raccoon. I can't even begin to imagine that conversation with Tony and the boys. Well see honey Mommy was just trying to save Boswells life...and well..you know how bad mommy's eyes are..and well..honey I accidentally shot the dog instead of the raccoon. While I was contemplating my sniper skills it appears that Boswell has made friends with Rocky. I notice Buster is no longer searching and peeing on every surface he can find. He seems to be content with standing in one spot and peeing right down his leg. He isn't even attempting to hike his leg or anything. I turn back to Boswell to find that he and Rocky may even be more than friends the way they are sniffing at each other. Perhaps Rocky isn't a Rocky after all...maybe Rocky is a Rachel? OMG if they start getting to intimate I am going to start shooting anyway and whoever lives to walk way so be it. Could you even imagine what weird new breed this would be...I am thinking of calling this new love child...Jackcoon...or would it be Rackrussell? I think I like Jackcoon. Thoughts? Finally they Boswell and Rocky/Rachel decide they don't want an audience for whatever dirty thoughts that were running through their heads and Rocky/Rachel wonders off back into the woods. When I yell for Boswell to come back inside he steps up to the porch, stops, sits down and begins staring at me? He was acting like that dog on Frazier. I keep yelling for him to get inside and he won't budge. I am talking to him like he understands..come one Boswell...it is cold out here. I am standing outside in broad daylight in a giant purple robe. If the neighbors see this they are going to grab their kids and grand kids and head over thinking that Barney the talking dinosaur is making a special appearance in Stoutsville. He finally makes his move towards the front door only to stop again for one more stare down. As if he was saying "great I finally get a chance at a little action and you...yeah you would have to ruin it for me." Meanwhile I am trying to figure out this dog. I mean is he gay or is he a chubby chaser who likes to go outside of his race? Either way only in my world!! All this and it is not even eight a.m.

On Thursday I had offered my friend Michelle to come over and help her with a little spring cleaning. I also offered her a chair from my Mom's basement for her sun porch. Yes I did ask my mother prior to making the offer! Now for the task of getting the chair upstairs and loaded in my SUV. Okay so I am forty one years old with a bad back four blown, herniated, slipped..whatever tern you want to use disc in my back. And Michelle is forty with MS. This task oughta be very entertaining. Well I take Drake to school yeah I have to take him to school everyday this week as there is some sort of two hour delay because of the Ohio Graduation Test. I can't explain the logic so I won't even try. Then I head to Mom's to get the chair Michelle and I have decided to meet at Mom's to get the chair and head over to her house for spring cleaning. I decide not to call Michelle until after I am at Mom's so that I can get the chair upstairs before she comes. I don't want her to hurt herself trying to help me out. Plus with the recent weight loss I am feeling quite athletic. (No I am by no stretch of the imagination athletic looking...I just feel athletic) I get to Mom's basement and begin my struggle with the trying to maneuver this glider rocker chair up a flight of stairs without any help. Have I mentioned that I am left handed? I tend to see the world bass ackwards. I feel I have a better chance of achieving this task by going up the stairs backwards and pulling the chair up than to go chair first and pushing. This is probably because all night last night I kept envisioning me losing my footing and falling backwards down the stairs and the giant glider rocker landing on top of me thereby taking me out of the land of the living. Given the way the stairs are located this meant I had to hold onto the handrail with my left hand (yes my strong hand) and pull the rocker up the stairs with my right hand (yes my weaker hand) After about twenty minutes and traveling 12 stairs and holding my breathe for nearly the entire time I finally make it. I get the chair out and onto the back porch just in time to see Michelle pulling into Mom's driveway. Michelle and I together make the journey from the back porch and after much maneuvering and seat folding we manage to load the chair into the giant tank I drive. We decide to visit Mom for a bit since we are both already exhausted and we haven't even started cleaning yet! As I am swigging coffee in an attempt to consume as much caffeine as possible and talking with Mom she ask if the other chair is still in the basement. I tell her that it is and she says that I should give that one to Michelle as well. "Oh really should I?" I think my mother has somehow lost time somewhere along the way..I am thinking she has lost at least twenty years because she obviously thinks I am twenty. I tell Michelle that I can get this without her help. I really am not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. This chair doesn't have any handles or anything I can grab and pull with so I am forced to go chair first up the stairs. Great so this is where my vision will become reality. Not so bad this chair is much lighter than the other one. except for the stupid handrail. I get the chair only about three steps from the top and the dag gone legs aren't going to fit. Michelle peaks her head around the top of the stairs to see if I need help. She says that I have the chair at the wrong angle I need to have it turned the other way. Really? I am standing there precariously nine steps above a solid concrete floor with a chair resting on my legs and now I need to go all the way back down and do it all again only the other way?...Yep so that is what I do. Michelle and I together manage to accomplish this task we make it to the front porch (due to the angle that we had to bring the chair up we couldn't go out the back door) when Michelle says "this is never going to fit in your vehicle with the other chair." Oh but it will my dear." I did not just wrestle two pieces of furniture upstairs only to leave it here. Back to the tank..after another twenty minutes of more seat folding and climbing around inside my SUV like some sort of caged monkey we have both chairs loaded. Another break..more coffee and chatting with mom. Even more exhausted and still no cleaning is done yet! Since it is now after eleven we bid farewell to mom and head out. But not before my mom says "hey are still going to be able to come up tomorrow and clean for me?" I smile and say" of course I will be here." Good because this house it setting me nuts" mom says.

I forgot to mention the look on Michelle's face when she first seen me on Thursday morning. I can't believe I forgot this part. Okay so on Wednesday I cleaned my house and was a little bored. I really need to get a haircut but can't afford to right now. In the last two weeks we (Tony) has paid out over $400.00 in dental care for the boys. Over $800.00 towards an art club trip to New York for Drake and I. And we got a letter from the school stating that Peyton failed his eye test and needs glasses. I still need new glasses, Drake needs to get braces and Peyton is requiring oral surgery to remove a tooth. So I felt it was in my best interest not to ask Tony for more money to get my wig busted. Being very bored on Wednesday I remember I have not yet used the hair color from my shopping spree at Target. Cool I can get a new look and not even spend even more money that I don't have right now. Off to the bathroom I go to apply my Natural Instinct "Cinnaberry" temporary hair dye. (Thank God it was temporary) I only leave the color on for about half the amount of time the directions instructed. (Again thank you God) They really need to change the name of this stuff. It should be called "hooker red" Holy crap Tony is going to flip out when he sees his lovely bride. I really don't think I have enough time left to wash and dry my hair twenty eight times prior to Tony getting home do I? Who cares it is only temporary right? He will just have to get over it. I will try to get a photo of this new do and put it on facebook so you all can see it in all of it's flaming glory. I need to do that later though I don't have on any make up right now. And with the deep deep shade of my hair and my unadorned face I look rather "Goth" or rather scary. So the first word out of Michelle's mouth on Thursday morning was "wow." She then proceeds to say she really likes it it is just really different from my normal. This is why we have been friends for over thirty years. I don't want friends who are too honest. I want my friends to lie to me and tell me no those pants don't make your butt look big. No that hair color is perfect for you. Crows feet... what crows feet? Of course you she looks much older than either of us. I totally agree she is way too skinny and it just doesn't look good on someone her age. Now that's a good friendship.

On Friday morning I had to once again take Drake to school two hours after I got Peyton off to school. I also had to go into the school to pay my last installment of $418.00 on the New York trip for Drake and I. I go in to pay the teacher and get a little more information on the trip from him. He explains to me that even though I will be sharing a room with three other women, whom I don't know. He will have me doing the touring with the five boys who are going on the trip. He thought I would want to be with Drake to experience this trip together. Oh how very thoughtful. I finally get away from my testosteroned filled home only to travel nearly five hundred miles by bus to be surrounded by even more testosterone. Yeah for me!! Oh goodie, then I get to share a room with three other women whom I don't know. Better yet I get to sleep in the same bed with one I don't know. Fabulous I (Tony) have just paid twelve hundred dollars to be tortured for five days. See I can get over the boy thing. I am so used to it by now. It is the sleeping arrangements that are causing me to lose sleep. See I am a spooner in bed. By this I mean that I will spoon anyone that is in bed with me. It doesn't matter who it is. Even though I really try not to I will start off the night with my back to you completely on my side of the bed but I can assure you that by morning I will be attached to your back like some sort of baby monkey at the zoo. I have done this to several people, people who haven't appreciated it at all. Once Tony and I invited my niece and her husband over for dinner and hanging out. This was when Tony still consumed vast amounts of beer. So he passes out on the couch and my niece falls asleep on the other couch. I go in to go to bed and fall fast asleep. Before I know it, it is morning and I open my eyes to see my niece and my husband standing at the foot of the bed staring at me and I realize that I am laying there spooning my nieces husband in my bed while my niece and husband are watching. Thank God there are no trust issues here or we very well could have ended up on Jerry Springer's Show. I have also spooned my gay brother. When my dad passed away we had to go to Florida for the funeral and had to stay at my other nieces house where Trent and I had to share an air mattress in the spare bedroom. The first night I curled up on my side with my back to my brother. Once again fast asleep only to be awoken by my brother pleading with me to get my big ugly boobs off of his back. And to please remove my leg from around his waist so that he could get up and get some coffee and perhaps vomit. So it goes without saying this New York trip is starting to concern me a bit. I mean do I admit to my spooning addiction up front to total strangers or do I wait and explain after the fact? See I tried to see if just Drake and I could share a room on the trip but I was told this would make the trip more expensive for the others as the cost is based on the occupancy of the rooms. I nearly offered to pay the difference for the others and then I remembered that I don't have a job. I suppose Tony would not appreciate me being so generous with his money. Plus if I did I may not be able to get a haircut until the end of summer. And considering the current shade of my hair postponing my haircut until the end of summer I would look like some sort of mad woman who is clinging to her youth with some sort of death grip. I wonder if they will allow me to sleep on the bus or if there is even a comfy couch in the lobby of the hotel. Oh God why did I sign up for this anyway? So I suppose it is best that the teacher put me with all of the boys on the trip at least I can avoid the awkward stares and silences from my bed mate while taking in the view from the top of the Statue of Liberty!

It's official. I am going to contact FOX tv I really need my own reality series. Because you know no one would really believe these things actually happen in my life. At the very least I need to have my house wired with cameras to catch this so I could at least be the biggest hit on YouTube. So if you are a facebook friend you already know that I actually have the night alone tonight. I managed to get all three penis's out of my house for the entire night. Tony (my husband) and Peyton (my youngest) went to the Columbus Bluejackets hockey game and Drake (middle son) went to a Christian Youth Rally at OSU. So here I am all excited to have the house to myself...it is so quiet that even my two jack russell's Buster and Boswell were sleeping. So I go and grab my trusty lap top slip on my PJ's hop into my bed grab the remote(s) for an entire evening to myself playing on facebook talking on the phone and most importantly eating the cookies I got from Michelle today. The same cookies that I hid in my purse to avoid having to share them with my children. Yeah I really do stuff like that. But hey..you need to give me a break these cookies were my dinner tonight. No point in cooking if no one is home right? There is fiber in sugar cookies isn't there? I only have one tv in my bedroom you would think one remote for it. Ohhhhhh noooooo I come to discover my bedroom entertainment system has no less than five flipping remotes. Come on how can one entrainment system have this many remotes. Okay well not all of them are for the tv, surround sound, cable box, dvd player, stereo. Actually found out we actually have a remote for the fan in our room. Yep you know it accidentally hit something turned it on high and oscillate. This little accident was actually good because I needed a nice breeze to cool my fueling temper. So here I am lying in my bed feeling like a queen having a castle all to herself. The looking around realizing my house doesn't so much resemble a castle. I decide to take a stab at changing the channel I need a little inspiration from HGTV. I decide to play Russian roulette with the remotes and attempt to change channels. BAD IDEA!! I manage to obviously grab the surround sound remote which is apparently linked to the DVD player..that Tony left some sort of war drama with lots of helicopters, curse words and gun fire. Did I mention that he also must have left the volume set on I-Max or something. Because as I am watching Brian Williams deliver the nightly news and I go to hit the button, suddenly the sound of gun fire is coming at me from all corners of my room and it sounds like a helicopter is landing on my roof. After I jump up after nearly peeing the bed and shaking. Trying to rescue the lap top that was perched on my lap. I look back to the TV and it seems like Brian Williams is cussing out John Yang who is reporting from somewhere. I have grabbed the wrong remote and managed to turn on the surround sound and the DVD player with one button. I am frantically trying to figure out what remote will work to turn it off so that I don't have to feel like a soldier in Iraq. or look like a Vietnam vet having a flash back. (this is why I need my own show) This is when I had the happy accident of discovering that my fan had a remote. When nothing is working and I finally give up walk over and manually turn off anything and everything in the armour. I decide to give up on HGTV and decide I will just take a long bubble bath instead and tackle this problem after a soothing bath. Plus I am hoping that the hot bath will help me to relax and stop me from shaking. A bath would also be good to freshen up a bit...remember the comment about nearly peeing the bed? Well the only reason I didn't is because even at forty one I still possess cat like reflexes and managed to jump out of the bed before it hit the mattress...can't say so much about my unmentionables. You don't think I need that medicine for bladder leakage do you? I don't think it counts if it only happens when you have the crap scared out of you. Hummm...I hope not..I don't need another middle aged ailment. Okay so having given up my electronic portion of the evening and decide on a more spa like night. A nice bubble bath is just the trick. So I run a nice bubbly tub full of water and grab my latest Janet Evanovich book. I am all settled in kicking back one paragraph in..I hear that the dogs are awake..not even just awake they are barking so loud and constant that it sounds like there must be an ax murderer in my kitchen. Really at this point I don't even care if there is..I think if there is I can take him with my Venus razor..or my mega sized bottle of Panteen. Perhaps if I turn the water back on I won't be able to hear the stupid dogs barking..naaaaahh. I can still hear them. I could put my head under the water..nooo.... that would mean I have to blow dry again..not worth it. Looks like the spa portion of my evening is over as well..hell it isn't even 7:00 yet. So I upon attempting to exit the tub I discover that Tony has swapped my Lever 2000 for Dove soap. DOVE SOAP IS NOT I REPEAT IS NOT TO BE USED IN A GARDEN TUB. Makes the damn the thing like an ice rink. When I am finally able to stand up and get my balance I hurl my right leg over the side and just as my right foot makes contact with the slate tile ole lefty decides to go for a triple Axel or something. Who knew that at forty one years old I was still even capable of doing the splits. Let alone doing the splits naked..even worse doing the splits naked and Tony isn't even home to see it. Yes I did a full split buck naked. No it isn't at all like doing them my freshman or sophomore year. My hamstrings and glutes and nearly every other part of my legs had a real issue with this little stunt. All the while the freaking dogs are still barking as I am trying to peel my naked wet injured body from the tile floor. I finally manage to limp and lean on objects to make it back to my bedroom..shut up I know it is only five or six feet the way my legs feel it may as well be the grand canyon. I am going to kill the dogs..still barking. I finally manage to get myself dressed..a nightie and undies count as dressed right. I hobble myself out to find out what is setting the stupid dogs off. I am just praying that I do have an intruder so I can kick his #^&$ for ruining my bath. I already have his demise planned I will beat him with one of the five stinking remotes in my room. Then I will finish him off with my walker that I keep in my closet. Yeah I am wondering if I need to get that out after the cheerleading stunt in the bathroom. I go out to find the idiot dogs barking at absolutely nothing!! There is no intruder in my home I don't even see signs of a mouse or anything. Then I hear something..I think someone is at the front door..holy crap..shut up dogs so I can hear. Dag nabit..I can't bend down to get in their faces to quietly tell them to have a glass of shut the hell up. I am trying to give them my "mean mommy eye". I follow that up with placing my index finger in front of my lips indicating the ssshhhh sound. Seriously you don't follow any of my voice commands but you get sign language..I really don't like them. Now with them quiet for a second I hear it again..someone is on my porch. Holy crap..what do I do..I really don't think I can fight someone off tonight with jello legs. I try to to tip toe closer to the door to see if I can hear better and identify what type of intruder is on the porch. No luck I go back to the kitchen isn't this nice..now the barking guard dogs are curled up together in their kennel. I can't see the driveway from the kitchen..I hobble my way to bedroom..crap..I don;t want to peak out the blinds whoever is out there may see me from the porch..hobble...curse...hobble...curse..finally back to the bathroom. Looking out I don't spot any vehicles in my drive. Okay so my intruder either rode his bike down to kill me or is too stupid to posses a valid drivers license. Alright now I am mad he didn't even have the sense to bring a getaway car? Oh so I don't even warrant a getaway car? That's it..hobble...curse..hobble..curse I throw open the front door nearly pee myself again. (No this time I actually didn't..those kegel exercises really do help..well they help while standing not so much while lying in bed) My intruder is about oh eighteen inches to nearly two feet tall. I'd say he goes approximately thirty to thirty five pounds. Uh huh...did I mention we have a raccoon problem at my house. I will have to do another blog totally dedicated to this little woodland creature. This same woodland creature that I am determined to murder. Yep after Wednesdays performance from him. I have Peyton's bb gun right next to the front door. I grab for the gun by the way my cat like reflexes are now hindered due to the bathroom split. Just as I get my hands on the gun the little monster scurries off my porch the sudden movement scares me and I drop the flipping gun on my foot. I think I may have actually bruised the top of it. OMG..I need to just go lay in bed until Tony and the boys come home. Otherwise they may find my body at the rate I am going. So I hobbled..cursed...hobbled..cursed..and made my way back to bed. I suppose it is safe for me to half sit half lay here and blog isn't it. Probably not..the way this night is going so far I imagine the raccoon is out there chewing his way threw my siding to the wiring and with the rain outside I am anticipating being electrocuted at any moment. My legs hurt so bad which I guess is helping to take the focus off my foot. I think I have some percocet left from the last time my back went out...but you know I think I will just stay here and live with the pain. Hey I got the right remote this time..I actually have American Idol on and there is the right sound to go with it. Crap who did they send home I missed it. Oh no I left Michelle's cookies in my purse maybe I will try to find the percocet I can grab the cookies on the way back. You know my hat goes off to that survivor man Tony is always watching. I usually make fun of him..but you know her deserves a lot or respect and admiration for what he does..I mean he gets dropped off in the middle of no where and makes his way home. I have one evening to myself in my own home and I am beginning to doubt my ability to survive it. Pray for me and if I don't blog again soon contact the authorities because with the temps warming up it will really start to stink. Oh never mind Tony and the boys will notice I am sure they will be hungry before my body begins to decay.. I need to go watch Idol. Oh and find the percocet and cookies. Now tell me that my own reality show wouldn't be better than anything they have on Fox?

Warning Warning Warning to All Dieters!!

Now as I may have mentioned...okay so maybe I have mentioned a few hundred times I am actually losing weight. This miraculous triumph I will admit has had me feeling pretty dag gone good. Yes I am fully aware that the bible does talk about pride and vanity and I know these two little monsters are not a good thing. Yet with that being said I have to say that I have been quite smitten with my ever shrinking shape.Not that I am ready for a cover shot on shape magazine or anything like that seriously there is not enough air brushing in the world to hide the flaws and scars that remain. But for a forty something mid western mother of three housewife...it will work. I think God will give me a break for staring at my self a little longer in the mirror (I truly do mean "a Little" ) See I used to do an Olympic type sprint from the bathroom to the bedroom after my shower to avoid seeing myself naked in the the giant mirror. Now with the weight loss I went from a sprint, to a jog, to a fast paced walk and over the past week or so I have even stopped. I know some would call it vanity I would call it being mesmerized by bone structure that I have not seen since at least 1994 or so. I have discovered that I still possess a rib cage..that's good right? There is even the very slightest glimpse of bones near my hips? And I am only down to one roll of back fat. And since I like to dissolution myself I blame that on my ill fitting bra. So here I am the other day after showering and I put on my unmentionables....undies...check...bra.....lock and load or I should say load and lock.....check. I decide to apply my make up and fix my hair before choosing my clothes. the recent weight loss actually has be brave enough to do that. And I am home alone anyway...did I mention the kids went to school the entire week without delay or cancellation!! Even better they have to go six days for the next four weeks..HAHAHA!! Does that make me a bad parent? Don't answer that unless it is something I want to here. I am all about positive feedback and zen. Well there I am in front of the mirror blow drying my hair that is in dire need of a cut and I notice my little bird wings aren't flapping nearly as much as they were just a month ago? In case you don't understand "bird wings" are the back part of your arm from your elbow to your shoulder. And in recent well maybe the last fifteen years I have noticed my wings get a little larger a little longer and at times have flapped so much while drying my hair or waving to a friend that I am astonished they haven't cause me injury. Honestly the bird wings were getting so bad that I began to wonder if perhaps I was growing a second set of knockers on the backs of my arms. So taken with the lack of major flapping I got side tracked and blew my hair right in my face and ended up with a long red hair in my eye. One that had detached itself from my head completely. I drop the blow dryer and stick my face in the mirror to begin the search for the stray hair that is burning so bad that I wonder if my hair was so hot when it entered my eye that it may have burnt my retna or something. Finally after what feels like an eternity I locate and dislodge this seven inch hair from my burning watery eye...OMG what the hell? Ladies here is the warning FAT FILLS IN WRINKLES!!! Yeah so I have been sooooo side lined with the discovery of new bones in my body that I have really not focused on my face. Removing foreign objects from your eyes requires that you focus on your face by the way. So along with the wonderful discovery of new bones on my body I have failed until now to notice the new lines and wrinkles on my flipping face. I know they say "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I just was oblivious that they were referring to taketh my ass and gut and giveth smile lines and crows feet. So I begin my little discussion with God. I have these little discussions quite often. Don't worry he is used to me he made me and all so don't be shocked. Oh oh oh toooooo funny God. So I see you are getting your funny on again huh? So I have prayed I have deprived myself of delectable treats, I have purchased infomercial equipment, I have purchased DVD workout tapes (even received some workout tapes as gifts...hint....hint....thanks Jan...very subtle) So you finally decide to give in to my constant request and grant me my prayer. Okay well thank you very much...but you didn't have to go and give me the face of that freaky little creature on the Lord of the Rings movies as well. Now God I know they say you can't have it all..well they mostly say women can't have it all. it seems that men can? We need to talk more about that later..right now this is between you and me. This isn't fair!! Oh I don't even want to hear the whole life isn't fair speech right now. I just seen Cindy Crawford the other day on her infomercial for "Meaningful Beauty" and she definitely has it all. They showed a split screen of a photo of her at twenty eight right next to a photo of her at forty one. Oh yeah forty one..that just happens to be my new age as well. The only thing that is different in her pics is she is prettier now than she was a twenty eight? if I were to take a photo today and put it next to a photo of me at twenty eight most folks would think wow..I sure hope that poor daughter (on the left) doesn't end up aging like her mother!! (on the right) Yes ..yes I know they say be careful what you pray for..well they say that because there is an apparent break down in communication here with us..you don't say much you know? I need specifics I need to know the rules you can't just let me go around praying and purchasing and dieting and at times even breaking a sweat for years and years then just decide to give in. Then begin making my face look like a zoomed in shot on Map Quest without warning. That is just down right mean! And I haven't even mentioned what on earth happened to the pores on my face..yeah is that a bonus? The pores on my face are so large and so deep that they could hold enough maple syrup for someone to eat a short stack from IHOP and use my face for dipping them in. He still isn't answering me! Really I mean I don't want want him appearing in the bathroom or anything like that for crying out loud. I don't want to end up like Moses and have my hair go snow white instantly or anything. Speaking of snow white hair yeah I have found those to be more and more frequent recently as well. What is up with that? What happened to the slow progression of age? Huh? You can't just go and flip a switch and voila! Once day I am a fat and happy woman who looks relatively good for her age to making me look like Estelle Getty overnight. Yes I use Estelle Getty as my reference as she was the smallest of the Golden Girls. Though I do know I am not nearly to the level of being the smallest woman in any given room...but given my propensity for disillusioning myself I decided to use Estelle. Once I realize God is not in the mood for talking right now I take matters into my own hands. By this I mean grabbing my Target gift card from Amy and Sherry I received as a birthday gift and off I go. My son Preston decides to go along with me and treat me to lunch. I never pass up a free lunch! Especially since I have decided to for go all dieting given the recent image in the mirror. I figure a little body fat is easily addressed with a good bra, a good pair of control tops and on occasion a good girdle. The right undergarments can hide a multitude of flaws. Your face on the other hand is not so easily hidden. I mean unless I decide to switch religions or something and purchase a new wardrobe consisting of burkas and veils. I am sorry I just don't see this being a good look for me. I would have a really hard time and probably even end up drowning trying to jet ski and go tubing this summer in a burka. On my way to meet up with Preston and do lunch prior to my Target shopping spree I have decided I will eat whatever I want I would prefer a nice face over a small waistline. We go to Red Robin where I am determined to eat to my hearts content and Preston is talking about how hard he has been working out and how great his diet is going. Of course upon watching him order a nice grilled chicken salad I am guilted into eating healthy as well. He is my son and I can't as a mother stuff my wrinkly face with chili cheese fries and Bacon cheeseburger right in front of him. I don't know this may have been God's reply. I really just wish he wasn't so vague sometimes. So I eat my grilled chicken breast and side salad with light vinaigrette dressing no less and head to Target. I swing through the clothing section I purchase one very cute shirt a shirt that will accentuate my newly acquired waist line. As I am leaving the clothing section Preston says " that is all you are getting?" I tell him I need to spend my gift card on other products. So we head over to the health and beauty section. I decide I need a good exfoliator, pore minimizer, tone corrector, eye cream, and a good moisturizer with SPF for day and a hydrating cream with Retinol for night. Granted my eyesight has become so bad that I have to stand on the opposite side of the aisle to read the packaging. Then once I have chosen one I have to hand it to Preston to confirm that I am actually purchasing what I think I am purchasing. He is laughing so hard at the fact that his mom is getting so old that she would spend her money on anti aging products over clothes that he can barely contain himself. Once I have chosen and confirmed with Preston that I have the right products I head two aisles down to peruse the hair dyes. I think I need to go redder! Between the grays and the ever fading of my once vibrant red hair I think this will give me a a little boost. Once again after I have confirmed with Preston that I have made the correct purchase I head to the check out. One hundred and seventeen dollars later (no my gift card did not cover all of it) the family will be okay with lunch meat sandwiches and hamburger helper for a week. They will just need to understand that sacrifices must be made in the name of beauty! After using my entire gift card and part of the grocery money Preston and I walk out of Target he is carrying my bag of goodies..or should I say bag of ammunition for this new battle. I am feeling quite good about being able to win this little war. This is when Preston turns around holds the bag up grins at me and says "hey mom what do you call this?.....youth in a bag." Is it still child abuse when your child is twenty three years old? Oh yeah and Mom..look over there is an eye mart..I hear they sell bifocals? Well aren't I just the luckiest lady on earth my children have inherited my family's warped sense of humor? So yes I am going to continue trying to lose weight while also fighting the aging battle. And if I get too warn down from trying to fight two wars at the same time. You will just see me fat and happy floating in some pool this summer looking like a gala apple I say gala apple because they have the nicest smoothest skin of all the apples. Well if I give up the battle of the bulge I need to start skimming off the top of the grocery account in order to save for a nice perfect shade of green swimsuit this summer. Because if I am going to be shaped like an apple then I really should have the right coloring for it. Besides I think green will look really good next my completely gray ridden vibrant cinnamon spiced hair. I really need to go for now I need to see if there is a website for Meaningful Beauty.

It Said My Faith Would Be Tested Not My Sanity

Now I know somewhere in the bible (don't ask me where) about faith being tested. Well that is all well and good but it never mentioned anything about my sanity being tested. So folks don't worry my faith is utterly and completely intact. I without any doubt believe in God and that hee sent his son to die for me being such a loser. Yet I have to add that I believe in a God who has one totally hysterical sense of humor. When he does finally pull me through the valley of winter 2009 -2010 I plan on having a real heated discussion about funny only being funny for so long. That is if I survive this winter without the men in the white coats coming to cart me off and inject me with drugs so powerful that I don't even know my own name. Well this morning at five thirty am as I am fast asleep dreaming about my Matt Lauer Today show interview when I get my book published there is suddenly a loud nasty vibration coming from my nightstand. Oh no you didn't....... get your mind out of the gutter girls it was my cell phone. It was an incoming text announcing that our school was on a two hour delay. Okay I can handle that no problem. Being that I am stricken with a lifelong case of once up always up I know there is no use in trying to snuggle back in bed and catch a few more winks. Even if those winks include me being on the set of the today show with Matt. I decide to go ahead and make the coffee and enjoy the two additional hours of solitude before I wake the boys for school. I look outside and see that there are just a few snow flurries and think we are in the clear in a couple of more hours I will get Tony out the door and the boys off to school and enjoy the rest of my day. I am nearly one third of the way to my goal of a husband and child free home I have packed Tony's lunch made his coffee and have his mug and his lunch sitting on the table by the front door. I may as well kick him in the rear end on the way out and say see ya!! He just thinks that I am being a a sweet and dutiful wife he would never guess my ulterior motives. When I just about have him out the door I can hear it OMG it can't be there is that nasty vibrating sound indicating an incoming text. I nearly start spinning in circles like one of my two Jack Russell's I am trying to decide if I ignore the text, if perhaps I even toss the cell phone out the front door and into the creek next to my house if it will change anything. I nearly fall to my knees as I go to touch this devil phone vibrating and gyrating just waiting on me to open it and read the dreaded message it is about to deliver. Those words that can strike fear and anxiety into the hearts of any Mom....Logan Elm School Districts New Status.......Closed!!! Since Tony is still home I refrain from the reaction I really wanted to have for fear that he would contact the men in the white coats sooner rather than later. So I try to busy myself until at least he pulls out of the drive. I fake sanity smile and give him a kiss and an I love you have a great day and safe trip in. I open the door to nearly throw him out and the rage flares pardon my french "what in the hell"...there is no snow on my road...there is no snow on my porch..there is no snow coming from the sky..really wait is that the sun I see in the sky. I must be losing it ....no wait...oh yeah now even the birds are in on this whole thing they flipping birds are chirping. so let me get this straight..no snow on road, no snow falling, no snow on porch, sun in the sky and birds chirping and school is cancelled. I go in search of my phone book I am thinking I really need to contact the superintendent and let her have it..crap I can't do that our superintendent resigned last month. Who is the interim one? Okay this isn't really happening maybe the local news station accidentally resent and old text. I grab the computer to go the website just to doublecheck yeah that has got to be it. Some automated thing or some young intern at the station has sent this second text by mistake. As I am logging on I am laughing to myself thinking this will be a really funny story to tell later. When I finally sign in a scroll down to my county my fantasy ends and reality comes crashing in. Theeeeeiiir....hoooooo...ooome for the whole day!! Okay maybe I could leave and note for them saying there was some sort of an emergency I could grab my laptop my latest book and I could hide at my Mom's for the rest of the day. I could even call Michelle and she could come over and hang out. (Michelle a girl who has been my friend since grade school lives just two miles from Mom's) We could drink coffee and lay around and talk maybe even grab some lunch. Just as I am about to make a run for it God reminds me what happened the last time I left my boys home alone. No they were not to young to be left at home this was last summer fourteen and twelve years old should be old enough to leave home alone for forty five minutes?? Not my little angels. Last summer Tony and I had our vehicle taken in for service to prepare it for out planned vacation to Florida. The shop called right after he arrived home from work and said my vehicle was ready. Tony said we should just go get it right away because if he comes in he won't feel like going back out. What he really means is if I come in I will strip down to my undies and you will not be able to pry the remote out of my hand or pry me from the bed later. I tell Tony I will just get the kids and have them get their shoes on and we will all leave. Tony suggest that just the two of us go and leave the children home. When I stare blankly at him as if he has grown a second head he ask what the problem is. I tell him there is no problem I am just wondering if he has ever met our children. The boys sensing some sort of drama come running out of their rooms and ask what is going on. I explain that we need to go pick up my vehicle from the service station and his father wants them to stay here while we do. Being so smug and sure of myself and sure that I know my children I know they will not agree to this. Little brats....they turn on me "oh come on Mom please let us stay here nothing will happen. Then Tony chimes in "come on Jami you can't treat them like babies forever. You are turning them both into crying little mamma's boys." (Please remember this line for later) He continues "you are over protective we are going to be gone less than an hour I think they can manage for less than an hour. What is the worst that could happen?" (Remember this one as well) Well we make to the service station pay and get my keys. I tell Tony that I need to run to Kroger and grab a couple of things a before heading home. He says he is going straight home and I tell him to let the boys know I will just grab some takeout for dinner after I leave the store. As I am walking through the store thinking about how cool of a mom I am. I am sure Tony and the boys are right I need to start loosening the apron strings just a little. I am in line loading my purchases on the little conveyor belt thing and the phone rings. I answer to hear Drake breathing heavy and sounding quite panicked and crying. "Uhhh Mom...Uuuuuh this is uuuuh Drake...and uuuh Mom something bad happened (this is when I can hear Peyton screaming like a banshee in the back ground) Mom there is a lot of blood but...I have pressure on it...where are you? (more blood curdling screams from Peyton) trying to stay calm and avoid being the crazy woman in the local Kroger I remain quite calm as the cashier is scanning my items I tell Drake to stay calm keep pressure on the cut and try to calm Peyton down. I tell him I need to hang up and call his Dad since his dad should have been home already and I will call him right back. Do you remember Tony's comment about crying Momma's boys and what is the worst that could happen) Not bragging or anything but yep Mom once again was right. When I call Tony he decided to take the flipping scenic route home really the scenic route in Pickaway county goes something like this cow, tree, road kill, hill, curve, $300,000.00 house, trailer, cow, horse, barn, hit the brakes......deer. I tell him he needs to get home and take Peyton to the ER for stitches or something I am on my way as well. Imagine this I actually beat Tony home to find that my house looks like the Manson family stopped by for a visit. Obviously after Peyton fell and cut his head open he must have ran in circles throughout the entire house as there is blood on the carpet from the front door, through the formal living room, into the dining room, into the family room, into the small bath all then leading back to the scene of the incident where the volume of blood soaked carpet really increased in his bedroom. Tony finally makes his way home from his scenic journey through the countryside to get Peyton to the ER. I spent the rest of the evening cleaning blood from the carpet. By the way never...let me repeat never us peroxide on beige Berber carpet to remove blood. Yes it does remove the blood but the blood stain is then replaced by a glaring white spots that resemble some sort of orbs in your carpet. Of course Peyton was fine after getting three staples in his head. So with the replay of this incident pushed once again to the forefront of my brain. I opt to cancel my plan of running away for the day to Mom's. So yep another dag gone snow day. That is why I have not been able to blog until so late this evening. To top it off I just got up to grab a diet coke and looked outside...Guess what folks???....I am telling you God is real hoot...it is snowing.!!! Should I go ahead and throw my phone in the creek tonight to avoid the dreaded text? I will try to blog again tomorrow ( I happen to be an optimist) if not and there is another snow day and I finally snap I will have my psycho-therapist post something to let you know I am okay and resting comfortably in my nice padded cell.

The Housewife's Revenge(Domestic Queen)

Granted I have to admit that I have now suffered PMS for approximately three weeks straight and still no sign of the actual painters showing up. And yes this particular month I will admit that this is probably the worse case of PMS on record if the medical industry would actually bother to truly study this topic. They really don't have time I understand since all of their focus is currently on the next new drug treatment for limp noodle syndrome. An example of just how bad this is I actually went shopping at Tuttle this weekend and I will say proudly that I purchased a pair of jeans in a size that I have not been able to squeeze into since Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby was topping the charts. Even with the glorious moment that I have waited over 16 years to achieve could not appease the hormones apparently raging inside. I have gone from complete homicidal rage contemplating running over old people at Walmart who were in my way to slapping young children in the mall who got on my nerves just because they were there. Then the following moment to blubbering crying attacks because of what a wretched human being I am. With all of this I still can not deny the fact that I live in a house with the most ungrateful lazy group of men (boys) on the planet. Now if you will recall in my last blog I recited some of my hard work last week. I didn't even begin to mention all of the other things I did that would have probably got me nominated for wife and mother of the year. Things such as, packing Tony's lunch each day. Shoveling a path to his vehicle, removing ice from his vehicle, and warming the truck up. Making breakfast for the kids, (no not just a bowl of cereal actual breakfast that required me utilizing my stove and toaster.)Preparing and having Tony's coffee ready and waiting by the front door in his favorite mug. To shoveling the drive way last Wednesday so Tony wouldn't have to when he came home. I won't even mention the more intimate things I will just say that Tony is one extremely lucky man. But today baby it is a new day and I have had it seeing that no one felt it necessary to say so much as a meager thank you Mom, thank you Honey I have reached my boiling point. My boiling point is not pretty, my family refers to it as going from zero to crazy in the blink of an eye. So today I am going to implement "The Housewife's Revenge", my family obviously thinks my job in life is to go around behind them picking up and putting away every item they wear, eat from, utilize, drop, read or play with. But today they are going to get what's coming to them. I have devised a plan to let them know where I am coming from. I have located in my newly organized pantry my giant contractor trash bags which I will cut and duck tape together today to make tarps from both of the boys beds and for Tony's half of our king size bed. These said tarps are going to be put down right where they intend to sleep tonight. This will not be an easy task for any of them as the second phase of my plan is to gather any and all items that I am expected to pick up after them and have them laying on these tarps. Items such as, dirty socks, dirty underwear, damp towels thrown on the floor, tooth brushes left lying on the counter (even though there are toothbrush holders right next to where they leave them laying.) hangers thrown on the floor of the closet, magazines left lying on my couch, guitar picks, board games, i-pods, nerf guns. All items will be place on top of each tarp according to who left said item laying out for Mom/Wife to pick up wash and put back in it's proper location. Phase three of this plan includes items not before mentioned items which include all food items such as, cereal bowls with some cereal and milk in them, water, soda and gatorade bottles over half full left on nightstands dressers, counters, end tables, coffee tables, computer desk. Opened bags of chips, half eaten pop tarts and even a couple of pizza rolls left lying on a plate on my dining room table. All of these once consumable items will be sitting on tonight's dinner table. I think I may even light a few candles to set the moods. And when they all come strolling in this evening and ask what's for dinner I will sweep my arm in a fashion similar to Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and point out the spread on the table. I may even get real brash and type out a cool menu in a great font on my new laptop perhaps something like this. McComas Family Table on tonight's menu: Aged cinnamon toast crunch served with curdled milk, one stale frosted cherry pop tart, one half eaten bag of ruffles potato chips left open to insure the aging process, drink options are abundant, red gatorade, blue G2, Dr. Pepper, Sierra Mist and even one McDonalds fountain drink as well as several assorted bottles of water all of which are partially consumed. Then for dessert I intend to present them with a display of rock hard brownies which I lovingly made this weekend cut into Pettibone sized slices and wisely placed in the covered cake container that I swiped from my mothers at one of our family functions. The very same cake container with a snap on lid that someone got into last night ate half of a brownie left the other half in the container and them proceeded to leave the lid off of all night. Now folks if this plan goes over and plays out like I think it will I will grab my laptop and post something on facebook from my mothers house where I will probably be staying for a couple of days. I am thinking a party at mom's since she abandoned me along with the rest of my biological family. I will let everyone know what time the festivities will start. Another added benefit to my plan is when Tony comes home tonight and sees this glorious display he won't have to ask what I did all day. He will be able to see for himself exactly what I did since what I did will delay his plan of laying in the bed with the remote grasped firmly in his hand until he puts away all the items from the homemade tarp covering his half of the bed. Now if he decides to partake in the fabulous meal on the table I don't see him resting comfortably in bed personally I think he will be quite attached to the toilet from food poisoning.

Pulling a Myrtle

So sorry for the long wait in between blogs and thanks to all of those who have been asking for one. But I do have an excellent excuse it is called "snow" and I have had about enough of it. We have already went over our calamity days by 5 days and another snow storm is on the way. I don't know what warped ancestor of mine was traveling from the east and stopped in central Ohio and said this is a good place to put down roots. What on earth could they have been thinking. I think whoever it was must have been a glutton for punishment. I am thinking perhaps they had been ax murderers or something and felt compelled to suffer some sort sentence. This had to be the case because I cannot for the life of me think what person in their right mind would stop here stay for a winter and think for even one moment that this is the perfect place to call home. Winter in Ohio typically stinks anyway but this year has been particularly rank as we are on par for having the worst February on record and then you get to couple that with the fact that my Mom is in Florida, my sister is in Florida and my niece is in California and they all feel it necessary to report the glorious weather and the sunshine to the point I want to leap through the phone line and wrap my ever shrinking fingers around their delicate little throats. See I have been a stay at home mom for nearly three years now. And I have adjusted extremely well to my schedule (which actually is non-existent) but it does allow me many hours of solitude (which I enjoy immensely) and still allows me enough time to sprinkle some carpet fresh and spray some febreeze prior to Tony and the boys returning home. These two little tricks of mine allow by ever loving to believe that I have worked my little fingers to the bone cleaning and cooking all the day long. Well due to all of the snow we are having my children have had six snow days this month alone and my dearest has been sick and yet insist on going to work each day only to arrive home early each and every stinking day. I will have to say his timing is impeccable though because he only shows up after I have decided to tackle another home project that I have managed to avoid for the last three years. Things like, the laundry room, the walk in closet, the fireplace and the list could go on and on. See when I decide to tackle a cleaning project I typically pull what our family calls "a Myrtle" this is lovingly named for my mother who would often tackle projects on a much larger scale than I would ever attempt. I will give a few examples of "a Myrtle" for instance, once when mom and dad were still blissfully married (I may be stretching that a bit) since I don't see how she could have ever been blissfully married to that idiot. (I am thinking perhaps I should dig out one of my self help books again as a small case of bitterness is seeping in I suspect....better yet the Bible most especially the part about forgiveness????) anyway one evening at the dinner table my father mentioned that he was thinking of redoing the bath room and wanted to be rid of the ugly outdated tile in that room and replace it. Dad was thinking down the road perhaps when there was more disposable income to do so. Well my precious Mom takes everything literally and when you talk about something future tense she takes future tense to mean tomorrow. So the first day that dad returned to work my mom goes in and basically destroys the bathroom breaking each and every piece of the tile and taking the walls nearly down to the studs. Mom disillusioned herself so much that she actually believed that dad would be so happy that she got him a great jump start on his project. Needless to say dad was not a happy camper when he arrived to find that his wife has destroyed and began a project he was not planning to actually do anytime in the foreseeable future. (I wonder why they ever divorced?) Another great example of "pulling a Myrtle", this one years later after dad had taken up with that obnoxious southern person (sorry folks that is as nice as I can be you don't even want to know what other adjectives are running through my brain right now) Mind you that when the divorce happened dad got all the good stuff (meaning the bank accounts and the nice home in Florida. Mom on the other hand got the old house in Ohio along with four children still at home three rotten little boys and one perfect little red haired angel. (shut up it is my story and I will write the facts as I choose to see them) So to say that the divorce wasn't good for our financial picture is a massive understatement. So being without the means to meet even most of our basic needs my mom thinks the kitchen needs a makeover (this I still don't understand since there wasn't much food in there anyway) So I arrive home from school one day, walk into our kitchen only to find my mother perched upon my brother Brent's shoulders taking down the kitchen cabinets. Now I am sure this was a pretty easy thing to accomplish since there probably wasn't any food items in the cabinets anyway. Yet even being a young child I knew that if we didn't have the money to properly stock the cabinets then we probably didn't have the money to replace the cabinets???? When I posed the question to Mom about the getting new cabinets she said she wasn't sure how but she wanted them. So there is just a couple of examples of "pulling a Myrtle". Like I said I sometimes pull a Myrtle but never to the level of the original with that being said when I decide to tackle a home project such as doing a thorough deep cleaning I basically destroy and dismantle everything and start from scratch. (this annoys the tar out of Tony which only makes it that much more enjoyable) So with the kids being home I couldn't pull the carpet fresh and febreeze trick being that I would have two witnesses to testify to my lack of actual work when Tony arrived home from work and ask what I did all day. So I decide on Monday to tackle the walk in closet. (your would be amazed at the amount of things you can have in a six by six foot area) So I begin by tearing everything out of the closet and when i have finished that I notice that i have completely covered my bed as well as every square inch of floor space in my bedroom. Of course once I have completely destroyed the bedroom Tony decides to come home early from work. Well being the ever optimistic Myrtle I think he will be pleased that I finally got around to addressing this disaster. I was not at all correct in this assumption. Especially since half of the things in the closet are Tony's and Tony being Tony (meaning total control freak) goes into a total panic as to what I am doing with all of his stuff and issuing warnings that he better be able to find what he needs when I have finished this little task. While he is rambling on I am thinking "hum so it is easier to dig through miles and miles of paperwork in a filing cabinet (yes he has a filing cabinet in my walk in closet and yes it takes up valuable real estate that could be used much more wisely for more shoes and purses.) than it would be to actually organize the filing cabinet with actual files and labels clearly marked so that when you open it and need a bank statement there is an actually file marked bank statement" and yes I will proudly state that not only is this the case I even have them in a three ring binder starting from the back oldest to newest. So glad to know that I haven't lost my clerical skills. Oh another funny little moment to note: while cleaning the closet I did locate the ab machine that I had purchased off of some infomercial tucked right up next to my walker I have to use when my back goes out. I found this a little ironic, since if I would just use the ab machine I would have not need to ever use the walker again. I just think God has such a sense of humor. So that was just Monday. (OMG yes it literally took all day Monday) So being spurred on by my accomplishment the previous day on Tuesday I am talking to my niece Heather on the phone and she is getting back into the fen shui books again and she begins telling me about the location of my laundry room is a very vital part of my house that is tied in with my finances and my career. She says that if I really want to get my book published I need to address the laundry room and it must be cleaned and organized on the chi won't flow and I will just spin my wheels. Holy crap well I have my next project. So I begin destroying and dismantling the laundry room which of course spills out into the kitchen. And of course at the very worst stage of this project here comes Tony home early again. OMG seriously what contest in hell did I win? So Tony rounds the corner into the kitchen just at the exact moment I am standing on a chair in the laundry room getting ready to paint something above the shelf with red craft paint that will encourage more chi to flow. Oh quit it I am a bored housewife and I am really good at taking advice when offered. This is a good thing......I think?? So when I spot Tony in the kitchen I immediately hide the paint brush and the paper plate where I have squirted the craft paint. When he looks at me like a child who is about to be scolded he ask what I am doing. I explain to him that I am cleaning and organizing the laundry room. He makes some sort of asinine comment along the lines of "oh I thought you were destroying the kitchen. " HAHA very funny now shut up and go away. I wouldn't dare tell him that above the storage shelf in red paint it is now written "The Truth of Most of It, by Jami McComas New York Times Best Selling author. See Tony is very old school and not open to what he calls "this new agey stuff". He feels you should read the bible to study God's word and pray for the things you want and wait. Now I am totally with him on this but hey I figure if cleaning my laundry room will perhaps persuade God to pay me a little visit more often why not? I also tied red ribbon around every water pipe in my kitchen laundry room and both bathrooms to help the chi flow as well. Which of course Tony discovered last night as I was taking my bath. He comes in to brush his teeth. (I can never take a bath in this house without an audience you would think I have the most beautiful body God ever created being that whenever I am in the tub someone either Tony or one of the boys needs to come in a have some discussion. So I am trying to shave my legs and Tony looks over and says "hey who tied red ribbon around the water pipes." to which I respond "what?" they say if you don't want to answer a questions just respond with a question. (By the way that doesn't work) when he repeats it I just say "oh I read somewhere that it was good luck." At least this got him to leave me alone since he just shook his head and left the room. I think he said something sarcastic but I put my head under the water so that I wouldn't hear it. I am too tired to argue with him tonight with all the actual cleaning that I have done this week. So yesterday even though the boys finally went back to school for the first time this week I still felt motivated to tackle another room. I decided to take on the family room yesterday. I needed to do this one because last week our big screen television finally bit the dust (Thank you God) see when I say big screen I don't mean one of those nice sleek flat screens that everyone has. No this thing is a 60" inch black monstrosity that takes up an entire wall. So when the tv finally broke Tony said we would purchase a flat screen and he will build me a custom entertainment center along one wall. So I decide to go ahead and clean and organize the room to prepare for my new entertainment center and television. (Granted if this promised project goes anything like my master bathroom I could be waiting another decade) The new entertainment center is also going to have a place to put all of my books according to Tony. (he is truly clueless. He must be referring to the books he actually sees. He obviously has forgotten about the the giant plastic storage bins in the shed filled to the brim with my books. So I suppose the horrific winter we are having does have at least one one positive since my house is cleaner and more organized than it has ever been. Well seeing that you are reading this blog you must know that all the motivation earlier in the week has now passed. But I do need to get off of this computer and go take a shower sprinkle my carpet fresh and spray my febreeze before Tony comes home early again. Oh he certainly will since tonight I get to once again go to a wrestling meet in Chillicothe for wrestling sectionals and depending on how Drake does I may be there again tomorrow. (Is it wrong to quietly wish you son to lose?) And for my sister Janice if you mention my pending birthday on facebook including my age one more time I will have no other recourse than to use my scanner and post some not so flattering pics of you on facebook. Just a little warning sissy you know I love ya! And to those of you who enquire about my blog please keep the comments coming I like to know that I can make you smile and even laugh a little and it really does encourage me to continue writing so God willing the next snow storm won't be as bad and I can actually kick out a few next week.

Dieting and Clueless Men

Can anyone out there answer this question for me? What in the hell is wrong with men? More importantly what is wrong with husbands? Now I need to say that I have had a battle of the bulge going on since I gave birth to my first born son twenty three years ago. And to say that I have had my ups and downs is putting it mildly. But recently I have managed to lose twenty three pounds and to be honest I am quite proud of myself considering it is the most weight I have lost since my youngest son was born twelve years ago. Each time I slip my shrinking body into the next size down I keep anticipating Tony noticing how fine his wife is looking. Each time I expect him to come in and say something along the lines of "wow babe I don't know what you are doing but you are looking fabulous" or at least give me that quizzical look and say "are you losing weight or something?" I know the first comment would be pretty far fetched as my sweetie is not known for his romantic capabilities but just anything to let me know he notices. Not my man though. I have been waiting on the compliment even an underhanded one to come to no avail. Yet on Saturday evening after another glorious day of wrestling my honey comes home after a quick trip to Walmart and informs me that he ran into some people we used to attend church with. I trying to keep the conversation going (anything to keep from talking about wrestling which is what he usually wants to talk about) ask who it was and how they were doing. This is when my ever lovin tells me they are doing great. Their little girl gets more and more beautiful and even better the mom has lost 13 pounds and is looking great. OMG SERIOUSLY!! He notices and old friend has lost thirteen pounds. This same man who sees me naked has yet to utter a word about me losing nearly double that amount of weight????? Trying to keep my composure and to keep from wrapping my much thinner fingers around his throat I just say "oh that is really nice I am so happy it is a really hard thing to do.......losing weight and all." To which he responds "yep some people just have the will power to stick to it." Okay so this is when I have to leave the room I am considering looking for a nice piece of leather to bite down on so that I don't bite my own tongue off. You see when my husband pardon my french "takes his dumb ass pills" I have a tendency to say things that can't be taken back let alone ever forgotten. So I typically try to go to calm before I speak my mind. Of course before I can get to calm I have to step away from the situation (meaning Tony) and gather my thoughts. Well not so much gathering my thoughts as envisioning me actually saying what I want to say to him and envisioning him in tears at the horrible things his lovely wife has just said to him. Don't worry I only think about it I don't actually do it. But the thought is nice. In my little revenge fantasy I also see my self cutting him off from seeing me naked again until I hit my goal weight. Then my body will be so different he would have to comment on how wonderful I look. But then again I know myself too well and know that this will never happen. He is Tony after all and for whatever warped reason I have I still seventeen years in find him totally irresistible. Which totally sucks! I should have never married such a pretty man. Not to mention that I would just completely snap if I gave up chocolate and that at the same time. Well my cooling off period takes until Sunday before I can even begin to have this conversation with him. So on Sunday morning after our family bible study. (alright I'll admit it) the bible study may have helped to cool me down a little. I finally say "yeah Tony you mentioned our friend and her thirteen pound weight loss yesterday and I was just wondering if you have even noticed the naked lady in your bed has lost some pretty significant weight herself?" "Oh yeah I noticed that" he says. I ask him what would have been so hard to mention it to me maybe? Tony says well I mean people lose weight all the time even you have in the past you go up and you go down. Oh yeah well my weight is about the only thing in this house that going to be going down I can tell him that. This is when my sweet hubby finally gets a clue when he spots the all out rage in my big brown eyes and so the retreat begins. "Well baby you see I don't even notice your weight. You see sweetheart I love you no matter what you are always beautiful to me. The sweet nothings still aren't doing the trick. Does this man have even the slightest clue what sacrifices I have made to do this. Does he have any idea how many ho-ho's, Twinkies, ding dongs and little Debbie treats I have forfeited eating in the laundry room. How many glasses of chocolate milk I have been denied. Does he even know that given the amount of tasty treats I have forgone has probably caused Hostess, Hersheys and Nestles to take a loss during the last quarter of their financial year. Seriously I am one of those people who would actually go to a restaurant and order dessert first if I could. Well I mean I supposed I could but given that I have been let's say "a little on the chubby side" I am sort of paranoid to follow through. So I just order the meal instead. I mean he really doesn't have a clue how embarrassing it is to out weigh your hubby. Not that he has actually ever known my true weight. I mean I would have to kill him if he ever found out. You know when I was younger I would watch television and movies and the man and woman would wake up in bed one morning and the woman would get up first and throw on her hubby/boyfriends dress shirt and go out to make coffee or something. Well let's just say if I tried this with one of Tony's shirts it would not be pretty. It most definitely would not drape over me and hang down to my knees. Let's face it it wouldn't even cover up my naughty parts. And I wouldn't even attempt to try to button it up. Even one time back when we were still dating and I was just a tiny little size three young thing I couldn't pull this off. (Okay if anyone from church is reading this remember God forgives us for our sin) Well I had spent the night at Tony's on a work night which meant I had to get up at the crack of dawn to get home and get ready to make it to work on time. So I slowly extricate myself from his bed and quietly try to dress and get out before I wake him up (he drank a lot back then and was not the happiest of people when he woke) So I slip my clothes on and slip out of the house and as I am making my way home. I realize that my lower extremities are nearly going numb because my pants are soooooooo tight. It gets so bad as I am making my way up 315 North that I am forced to undo the button and zipper on them in order to breathe properly. I am thinking holy crap the painters are really going to do a number this month or I drank a lot more last night then I thought I did. It wasn't until I got home to my own apartment that I realized that I had put on Tony's jeans instead of my own while dressing in the dark. Now imagine being a size three and still not being able to wear your significant others pants. Let alone being let's just say a few sizes up from a size three (you didn't really think I was going to post my jean size on the internet did you?) and he still is wearing the same size jeans he did back then. Come on a size three girl should be able to feel somewhat petite with her man....no not good ole Jami. No she has to pick a small one which only serves to amplify her size. So men listen up if you even think that your wife, daughter, mother, sister, co-worker, aunt, cousin or niece has lost even so much as a pound. MENTION IT!! We like to hear it! It is a real incentive to keep it up. It keeps us going...it keeps us from having hostess feeding frenzies in our laundry rooms. It keeps us from nearly tackling small children as wrestling meets walking around with giant chocolate chip cookies in their hands. It keeps us from nearly slapping our own children who are stuffing their little pie holes with chocolate covered cream filled donuts from Lindsey's. See just making the tiniest little gesture could actually make the world a much safer place. Even the smallest of compliments can keep us from going into chocolate deprived homicidal rage at complete strangers. So really Tony if you read this honey the compliment wouldn't just be for my benefit it would really serve all of humanity. Because you see honey there is a lot at stake here. I mean this whole thing could actually be hurting the economy with the big three (no this term is not just reserved for the auto industry) Hostess, Hersheys and Nestles profit margin at stake as well as the safety of those poor innocent people I encounter in the grocery store and wrestling meets you might want to come off with a little encouragement every now and again. Or you may just find your beautiful wife (his words not mine) sitting on top of the washer during the spin cycle with various Hostess products being shoved down my throat. With a pile of empty wrappers at my feet. So even if you don't think I have lost another pound.....Lie! Some little white lies can actually be good, especially if they serve to make your wife feel better about herself. You know what they say "a happy wife makes a happy home"...and "an angry wife can make your life hell". So women out there feel free to share this with your husbands, boyfriends,, brothers and sons because I am surely not the first and most certainly won't be the last woman to fight the battle of the bulge while with a completely clueless man who fails to mention it or the sacrifices we have made in order to lose weight. Because frankly if my own honey pie doesn't catch on soon I may just resort to eating until I out weigh him by so much that I could actually take him down. Then I could talk about wrestling with him while I have him in a head and arm or a cradle until he taps out. I would like to hear him say he doesn't notice my weight then...when it is all on top of him cutting off his ability to breathe...just like the time I put on his pants by mistake!!