Woo Hoo Fishing Weekend!!

So I am acutely aware that it has been way too long since my last blog. So allow me to begin with saying thank you too all of those who keep asking me when I am going to write again your love and support are awesome.!! Now I do have several very well grounded excuses for my lack of sharing lately. I have taken on a new hobby which I have discovered is now consuming most of my time and energy. I have even let my crops wither on Farmville in my pursuit of my new hobby...thank you Mary for using your unwithering powers to save my butt! Yet I can say this is not my fault I total want to blame the network NBC (no not for the whole Conan O'Brion / Jay Leno Thing) but because of that new show "Who Do you Think You Are?" This show prompted my brothers Trent Brent and I to start researching our genealogy. OMG I think perhaps I might have a slightly addictive or compulsive personality. You see it all started off simple enough I got Brent to pay for the membership to Ancestors.com. Of course he had to pay for it I don't have a job! We were going to play around a little see what we could find. I suppose a person with a slightly addictive personality, too much time on her hands as well as an avid lover of puzzles should not have gotten involved in this. Especially being from the family I am from anyone who knows this family knows this is going to be one GIANT puzzle. To tell you this has been interesting would be putting it mildly. The computer search has turned into what I have been told is graving? So you don't know about graving well it is visiting cemetery's doing research and documenting the headstones of all of my dead relatives. The next step in my latest addiction was to visit our local genealogical library in Circleville. Holy crap this place is awesome!! You well maybe not you...but definitely me can dig up soooooo much dirt on the family. On my very first visit to the library I find out Grandpa was arrested during prohibition for bootlegging and possession of alcohol. Ironically this is the very first official record that I obtain a copy of. Not a birth certificate, not a marriage license not even a cool photo, newspaper article or death certificate. The very first surname in my tree in the surname index is a criminal record!! Go figure? The second item on the list says it is a Justice of the Peach record. I think cool perhaps Grandma and Grandpa got married at the court house. Really from the stories I had heard I knew there was probably not a huge church wedding or anything. When I turn to the page record that the index instructed do I find a nice normal marriage record??? Oh hell no..instead I find out while Grandpa was busy getting arrested for possession of alcohol and carrying concealed weapons Grandma was being taken to court repeatedly by the local grocer for charging groceries and then not paying for them. Well I suppose considering the court fines that were being racked up by good ole Gramps she didn't have the money to buy them. So we will blame the man here...don't you think we should? Isn't everything bad on earth a mans fault? Oh don't be like those who blame it on Eve...I am convinced it all falls back on Adam. I mean if a man didn't lose his mind every time he sees a nice pair of ta ta's we wouldn't be in the mess we are in. Plus I find it really hard to believe that any woman ever got a man to do something he didn't want to do in the first place. And another point is so the very first man on earth not only listened too but actually respected Eve's opinion and then followed through with her ideas??? Really??? So then it was just every other man ever born after that that is different? I get it??? Yep...here I go again getting off track. but you have to admit it is really fun reading the ramblings of a person with A.D.D. Well anyway so this first line in the family tree even though it appeared it was going to be really bad actually seem to get a little better the further we go back in the records. I mean this is good right? Not really if you think about it. Because I discovered that instead of like most families that tend to marry up and gain more wealth and status with each passing generation I seem to come from a rare line of people who marry down get poorer more in debt and gain a a reputation instead of status.I have spent so much time on the computer at various library's and cemetery's my husband and children now ask before leaving for work and school if I am going to go hang out with the dead. In fact one night last week when my brother Brent and I were out doing research causing me to not get home until after ten o'clock I was reprimanded by my twelve year old son Peyton. Who upon my arrival informed me that he thought that I had become obsessed with all this gynecology stuff (his word not mine) and that I was spending more time with my dead relatives than with my living ones. To which I responded of course I do first of all they don't talk back to me and second of all I think they actually listen more than the males in my house do. So me being an awful lot like my mother the more they complain about my new hobby the more time I devote to doing it. Now so far I found war hero's, bootlegger, bastards even one who is bastard from her mother...yeah I know seriously? Who on earth unless you are adopted doesn't know who your mother is. Unknown mother on your birth certificate and still an unknown mother on your marriage record and unknown mother on your death certificate. I mean how does that even happen. Come one you give birth and even if you die while doing that (which death is exactly what I was praying for while giving birth to my own) Couldn't the doctor or the coroner or the undertaker, or funeral director ask perhaps the man claiming to be the father what this lady's name is? This would be a question I think most people would ask. Then there is one ax murderer (not a direct ancestor just the brother of one) Shut Up I have to sleep at night. So now when I use my famous line when having a particularly bad day that I may have been an ax murderer in a previous life I will know it wasn't me just a great great great great great uncle that was the ax murdered. He was a seaman who came home from many long months at sea to find his lovely bride doing more than spooning with a young stud. So he grabbed his ax and then put them in the wood chipper. Personally I think I understand where he was coming from. I have already warned Tony that if I were to ever catch him dipping his paint stick in someone else's paint can I would pull a Bobbit on him. Laurena Bobbit is really one of my personal hero's. Finally the women to actually do what I know women for centuries have dreamed about. Then there is another great grandmother of mine that I have parents for a birth record and death record the only problem is I can't find her buried anywhere. She isn't buried with her children...she isn't buried with her husband....she isn't buried with her parents or siblings. She isn't it the family plot of her line she isn't it any of the surrounding counties. I am starting to wonder if perhaps granny is buried somewhere in Millport it has even crossed my mind that I may have played a nice game of kickball on a hot summer day right on top of grandma's unmarked grave. Heck the stuff I am finding out or not finding out nothing would shock me. And my families line of work for the last few generations did have access to a lot of heavy equipment including backhoes? Well folks I have a lot more to say on this and many other stories to share but my eyelids are getting heavy my fingers are slowing down and besides that Tony is in Lake Cumberland fishing and I can actually have complete control of the remotes. Please don't worry though I did have Tony give me a crash training course on how to use each remote I even used post it notes on each one to know what the heck I was doing. I should be able to blog a little more tomorrow though since Tony is fishing, Drake has plans the rest of the weekend. If I can just find someone to take Peyton and my two idiot dogs I will have it made. Now I really have to go...but i will be back soon! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Yes I am really blogging!!

Yep so it has been a while I know. My only excuse is I have been busy being a little social butterfly and a woman of the world. LOL. Well perhaps I am being a little arrogant here but I finally made it to New York and Broadway and am feeling quite worldly. HAHA!! For me to even begin to cover my trip to NYC it will probably take at least a few blogs to share it all with all of you. To say that I made the most of my time in NYC puts it mildly. Really what could you expect a housewife from Pickaway County Ohio and hand her four days in NYC what do you think is going to happen? I suppose I should start with my sleeping arrangements. So in my previous blogs I mentioned my concern over my "spooning" issue. Well as it turned out I lucked out as there was an odd number of adults on the trip and there were only two other women in my room. I decided honesty was the best policy and was upfront about my "spooning" issue. Once the Art teacher told us who our room mates would be. I approached the two ladies who I would be sleeping with of my condition. Thankfully the two of them were already close friends anyway so I laid it all out there for them. That if either of them chose to share a bed with me just be prepared to wake in the morning with me attached to their front or backside depending on their own sleeping habits. This approach seemed to work because for the remainder of the trip I had a bed all to myself. Although they did choose to tell all the other parents and teachers on the trip of my confession making a running joke with all the adults on the trip. At least it was all out in the open rather than not confessing and having them awake feeling awkward and talking to the other folks behind my back. Besides I am forty one years old now and I gave up being prideful a long long time ago. Heck once you have given birth in a room full of people, taking a tumble in front of you son's entire football team and all of their parents and had your bra give way under all the pressure at your desk at work in front of all your coworkers you sort of decide to just throw in the towel. These little gems are just to mention a few of my more embarrassing moments, of course there are countless others. Granted my trip to the big city was not first class accommodations being that it was a trip with the Logan Elm High School art club but, my Momma taught me to be resourceful if nothing else. So when Drake ask about helping chaperon the trip I figured until I get my book sold and Matt Lauer from the today show is calling me to set up my interview this was probably my only shot of getting there. Since it wasn't a first class trip to NYC I had to get on a charter bus at eleven thirty at night from the school with twenty five high school students and travel all night by bus then freshen up on the bus and begin touring at ten a.m. I will try to attach pictures as I go to document my trip with photos as well as the stories. Don't get your hopes up to high though I am kind of computer illiterate. When we arrived in NYC we picked up our tour guide Franc in Hell's Kitchen. No I didn't see Gordon Ramsey (the violently mean dude from the cooking show) granted I wanted to. When we finally stepped off of the bus from hell after nearly half a days or should I say nights journey. It is a miracle that I didn't get whiplash. Not from the bus ride but when I stepped off the bus onto the New York City streets my head was nearly spinning trying to take in all of the sights and sounds. I was nearly spinning in circles tyring to look at all of the buildings, street signs and things I had only seen on television. After touring for a bit we headed to Grand Central Station to have lunch. Thank God the art teacher in charge of the trip was a laid back guy who let us do our own thing most of the time because once we got to each location for touring we were sort of left on our own to tour and told to be back at the bus at a certain time. Like I said thank God this was the case since it seems as if my arrival in the big city manifested some sort of adult onset ADHD and I often found myself separated from my group at nearly ever location. I would be talking and looking around mesmerized only to realize that I was talking to myself when I would look back everyone in my group would be gone. Oh don't feel bad for me I loved it this meant I got to explore on this trip on my own and take nearly four hundred pictures without anyone rushing me along. After the Grand Central lunch and photo ops we headed off for the art part of the trip. We visited the Whitney Museum then off to MOMA the Museum of Modern Art. I would love to tell you my short time in NYC had enlightened me but after hitting the sixth floor of MOMA I realized perhaps I wasn't quite as enlightened and worldly as I thought. OMG I get up to the sixth floor and read the large sign about it being a live art exhibit with nudity. The teacher had warned us about the nudity but I thought "hey it's art so it can't be embarrassing right? Oh how very very wrong I was. I go into the first room of the "live art" exhibit and see several nude photos hanging that were definitely not old renaissance type nudity. There was a woman in a Crucifixion type position with a banana seat bicycle between her legs. I have been here about twenty seconds and my eyes are burning already. A large crowd in the far corner then grabbed my attention so I venture over to see what is going on. It appears that line is forming so I figure I will just get in line to see where it leads. As I begin to make my way through the line I see two live naked people. One man and one woman standing less than a foot apart face to face and this line is for people to walk through the middle of them. Really? I have been standing in this stupid line so that I can try to squeeze myself between two completely naked strangers? Wouldn't my husband be proud. This is when I recognize my son Drake is several people ahead of me so I turn around and bury my head in the museum brochure to avoid being spotted or God forbid having to make eye contact with my 15 year old hormonal son. I am thinking OMG if he walks through these two naked "artist" I am going to faint right here in the middle of MOMA I have been in NYC for less than five hours and I am going to faint. As I am standing in line hiding behind my brochure and a large man in front of me Drake is about three people away from taking the naked passage to the next exhibit when God answers my prayer and my little angel veers right and takes the normal route to the next room avoiding the naked people completely. When I step out of line to follow Drake being grateful that he has found a way for me to see the rest of the exhibit without me having to put my body parts against total strangers naked parts I am overjoyed. At this point I am acutely aware that I must be blushing to the point that my face color is probably very close to the color of my hair. Which by the way is still a much deeper red than the bottle from Target indicated. Once I make my way to the next room I do a quick scan to make sure there are no more naked people in this part of the exhibit. Whew....not live naked people YAY for me. Feeling slightly better that I don't have to look at anymore "live art" I begin to peruse the screens hanging on the walls. I walk up to the first screen and a video pops up of a beautiful wheat field and blue sky good finally some real art even if it is a video the camera seems to be scanning the entire field and beautiful sky and suddenly zooms in on a figure in the field OMG you have got to be kidding me!! There is a naked guy humping a wheat field when I rapidly try to avert me eyes and turn myself away from what I can only call pornography I am faced with an even bigger screen this time with a large breasted naked woman sitting in a chair playing with ta ta's bouncing them up and down and smooshing them together feeling the heat in my face rising to near boiling level I decide it perhaps need to vacate the sixth floor and go view more traditional art. I am not shocked at the sight of a real life penis as you all know from my previous blogs I see anywhere from three to five a day depending on how many baths my family takes and if my two dogs are having one of their friskier days. It is the fact that people actually call this art that freaks my mind. As I finally make my way down to the first floor and I see a large group of people surrounding another exhibit. I decide to go find out what art is pulling such a large crowd. I knew it was safe because I ask one of the museum employees if there were anymore naked people or porn tapes on any other floor besides the sixth floor. He said all live nude art was the sixth floor only. As I was making my way through the crowd to see what fascinating art had captured every one's attention. I see some folks have even sat down on the floor to watch the art. I look to see one woman dressed in a red colonial style dress and a man sitting at a table not moving a muscle? Okey dokey? What the hell either I have lost my mind or I have entered some sort of other dimension I felt like I was in the movie Clockwork Orange. Granted I did stand there at the exhibit not to watch the exhibit but to watch the people watching the exhibit. I came to the conclusion that the people sitting and watching this for nearly an hour were crazier than the people in the exhibit themselves. I watched them stare mesmerized by a woman in a chair sitting across from a man in a chair with a table in between and this is art??? I know that I am not what anyone would call a highly cultured lady, but come on...really? If you are going to take naked people and put them on display and call it art you could at least Vajazzle the girls hoo ha's like Tara had mentioned in one of her blogs. And perhaps paint the willie's of the guys or put a sock puppet on it or something for crying out loud. After having all I could take of the art world for the day. I left the building and did some shopping since I had nearly an hour and half to kill before we had to meet back at the bus. Another blessing when I ran into Drake and his friends at H&M who also had left MOMA to shop as well. I will say that it did help me to feel quite proud that my teenage son opted even before I did to leave the museum. I guess I haven't done too awful bad raising him after all. Once back on the bus where it seemed that everyone was wearing there sunglasses and not saying much I decided to break the ice and ask how everyone enjoyed the naked people this got everyone to laughing and kept us all from feeling like a bunch of perverts for the rest of the trip. I mean really even though I may spoon a random stranger if he or she climbs in my bed. I can guarantee you that I will not be doing it naked. I won't even spoon my hubby totally naked. I am not one for even sleeping naked. Really what if there were any emergency in the middle of the night. Like say a house fire. I don't want to be standing in my front yard in the buff when the fire trucks roll up. Or worse yet what about an intruder. I really don't want to be defending myself against a lunatic in my birthday suit. Plus I would probably get the giggles because I get the giggles just thinking about it. How funny would that look trying to fight off an attacker nude. Parts would be flying and considering my bra size I would probably do more damage to myself than the intruder would. Anyway I have always heard that travel to large cities and art will really open one's eyes. I have to say I disagree as my experience at MOMA seemed to have my eyes closed more often than not. Off to the Chinese restaurant for dinner then onto the Empire State Building at dark. Where I once again got separated from my group and got to experience the two hour line and the view all on my own. Don't worry I managed to make friends while in line. I met a woman from Hungary and her husband from Germany who were visiting as there daughter was performing the following night at Carnegie Hall with a school group. After the Empire State Building and a quick stop at Starbucks....which happen to be on every other corner in NYC which is really a glimpse of heaven as far as I am concerned. We made our way to the bus and back to Jersey and the hotel for the night. See I told you it wasn't first class accommodations we didn't even get to sleep in the city that never sleeps. Instead we sleep at the airport Sheraton in Jersey. But hey I am not complaining at least the naked part of the trip was over and I had an actual bed to sleep in instead of on the bus. Will try to cover day two later today or tomorrow and believe me it just gets more and more interesting. There is still my performance of "I Will Survive" at the Italian restaurant as well as window dancing and black market shopping in China Town with several students. LOL

Woo what a week!

You all know about the idiot raccoon that is terrorizing me. Yeah he has built some sort of condo or villa underneath my front porch. And every morning he meanders out once I open the front door. Only after some sort of ritual he does under the porch that is very noisy. I feel this is most likely his way of letting me know he is not happy that I woke him at such an hour. See I have to go out and get him out and on his way to his daytime residence before I can let my two jack russells out to do their morning ritual. Even though I have to admit I am not overly fond of my dogs I really couldn't stand the thoughts of the giant raccoon gnawing and clawing their little eyes out. Plus I do not handle blood well...even little doggie blood. Even though many members of my family affectionately refer to me as "the world's worst dog owner." (These family members mind you have no children) Busters ritual is run frantically in the front yard and attempt peeing on every surface you can find. Boswell runs around for ten minutes trying to pick a location to make his deposit.After ten minutes finally decides prime locale only to stop after making a small deposit then goes in search of a second location. My husband Tony refers to him as a "two squatter". So my morning ritual is now to rouse the raccoon from his porch condo so that I can safely allow my dogs to do their thing. So this morning I get "Rocky" out and on his way. (yes I figured is he was going to take up residence here I might as well give him a name to avoid confusion) I then get the children out and onto the bus. Yes I am aware it is Saturday but thanks to the long harsh winter and about a million snow days. My children are now subjected to Saturday school for the next month. Rocky out check, Drake and Peyton out check. Buster and Boswell out....holy crap Why is Rocky back? Grabbing my handy dandy BB gun to prepare myself for defending my little dogs from this absurdly obese raccoon. As I am pumping the gun to prepare to shoot all the while praying my eyesight is better during the day than the evening. See I shot my flower pot last week attempting to shoot Rocky. the temp is somewhere in the thirties and I am sweating bullets....or should I say sweating BB's? Praying that I don't take out my dog instead of the raccoon. I can't even begin to imagine that conversation with Tony and the boys. Well see honey Mommy was just trying to save Boswells life...and well..you know how bad mommy's eyes are..and well..honey I accidentally shot the dog instead of the raccoon. While I was contemplating my sniper skills it appears that Boswell has made friends with Rocky. I notice Buster is no longer searching and peeing on every surface he can find. He seems to be content with standing in one spot and peeing right down his leg. He isn't even attempting to hike his leg or anything. I turn back to Boswell to find that he and Rocky may even be more than friends the way they are sniffing at each other. Perhaps Rocky isn't a Rocky after all...maybe Rocky is a Rachel? OMG if they start getting to intimate I am going to start shooting anyway and whoever lives to walk way so be it. Could you even imagine what weird new breed this would be...I am thinking of calling this new love child...Jackcoon...or would it be Rackrussell? I think I like Jackcoon. Thoughts? Finally they Boswell and Rocky/Rachel decide they don't want an audience for whatever dirty thoughts that were running through their heads and Rocky/Rachel wonders off back into the woods. When I yell for Boswell to come back inside he steps up to the porch, stops, sits down and begins staring at me? He was acting like that dog on Frazier. I keep yelling for him to get inside and he won't budge. I am talking to him like he understands..come one Boswell...it is cold out here. I am standing outside in broad daylight in a giant purple robe. If the neighbors see this they are going to grab their kids and grand kids and head over thinking that Barney the talking dinosaur is making a special appearance in Stoutsville. He finally makes his move towards the front door only to stop again for one more stare down. As if he was saying "great I finally get a chance at a little action and you...yeah you would have to ruin it for me." Meanwhile I am trying to figure out this dog. I mean is he gay or is he a chubby chaser who likes to go outside of his race? Either way only in my world!! All this and it is not even eight a.m.

On Thursday I had offered my friend Michelle to come over and help her with a little spring cleaning. I also offered her a chair from my Mom's basement for her sun porch. Yes I did ask my mother prior to making the offer! Now for the task of getting the chair upstairs and loaded in my SUV. Okay so I am forty one years old with a bad back four blown, herniated, slipped..whatever tern you want to use disc in my back. And Michelle is forty with MS. This task oughta be very entertaining. Well I take Drake to school yeah I have to take him to school everyday this week as there is some sort of two hour delay because of the Ohio Graduation Test. I can't explain the logic so I won't even try. Then I head to Mom's to get the chair Michelle and I have decided to meet at Mom's to get the chair and head over to her house for spring cleaning. I decide not to call Michelle until after I am at Mom's so that I can get the chair upstairs before she comes. I don't want her to hurt herself trying to help me out. Plus with the recent weight loss I am feeling quite athletic. (No I am by no stretch of the imagination athletic looking...I just feel athletic) I get to Mom's basement and begin my struggle with the trying to maneuver this glider rocker chair up a flight of stairs without any help. Have I mentioned that I am left handed? I tend to see the world bass ackwards. I feel I have a better chance of achieving this task by going up the stairs backwards and pulling the chair up than to go chair first and pushing. This is probably because all night last night I kept envisioning me losing my footing and falling backwards down the stairs and the giant glider rocker landing on top of me thereby taking me out of the land of the living. Given the way the stairs are located this meant I had to hold onto the handrail with my left hand (yes my strong hand) and pull the rocker up the stairs with my right hand (yes my weaker hand) After about twenty minutes and traveling 12 stairs and holding my breathe for nearly the entire time I finally make it. I get the chair out and onto the back porch just in time to see Michelle pulling into Mom's driveway. Michelle and I together make the journey from the back porch and after much maneuvering and seat folding we manage to load the chair into the giant tank I drive. We decide to visit Mom for a bit since we are both already exhausted and we haven't even started cleaning yet! As I am swigging coffee in an attempt to consume as much caffeine as possible and talking with Mom she ask if the other chair is still in the basement. I tell her that it is and she says that I should give that one to Michelle as well. "Oh really should I?" I think my mother has somehow lost time somewhere along the way..I am thinking she has lost at least twenty years because she obviously thinks I am twenty. I tell Michelle that I can get this without her help. I really am not the sharpest tool in the tool shed. This chair doesn't have any handles or anything I can grab and pull with so I am forced to go chair first up the stairs. Great so this is where my vision will become reality. Not so bad this chair is much lighter than the other one. except for the stupid handrail. I get the chair only about three steps from the top and the dag gone legs aren't going to fit. Michelle peaks her head around the top of the stairs to see if I need help. She says that I have the chair at the wrong angle I need to have it turned the other way. Really? I am standing there precariously nine steps above a solid concrete floor with a chair resting on my legs and now I need to go all the way back down and do it all again only the other way?...Yep so that is what I do. Michelle and I together manage to accomplish this task we make it to the front porch (due to the angle that we had to bring the chair up we couldn't go out the back door) when Michelle says "this is never going to fit in your vehicle with the other chair." Oh but it will my dear." I did not just wrestle two pieces of furniture upstairs only to leave it here. Back to the tank..after another twenty minutes of more seat folding and climbing around inside my SUV like some sort of caged monkey we have both chairs loaded. Another break..more coffee and chatting with mom. Even more exhausted and still no cleaning is done yet! Since it is now after eleven we bid farewell to mom and head out. But not before my mom says "hey are still going to be able to come up tomorrow and clean for me?" I smile and say" of course I will be here." Good because this house it setting me nuts" mom says.

I forgot to mention the look on Michelle's face when she first seen me on Thursday morning. I can't believe I forgot this part. Okay so on Wednesday I cleaned my house and was a little bored. I really need to get a haircut but can't afford to right now. In the last two weeks we (Tony) has paid out over $400.00 in dental care for the boys. Over $800.00 towards an art club trip to New York for Drake and I. And we got a letter from the school stating that Peyton failed his eye test and needs glasses. I still need new glasses, Drake needs to get braces and Peyton is requiring oral surgery to remove a tooth. So I felt it was in my best interest not to ask Tony for more money to get my wig busted. Being very bored on Wednesday I remember I have not yet used the hair color from my shopping spree at Target. Cool I can get a new look and not even spend even more money that I don't have right now. Off to the bathroom I go to apply my Natural Instinct "Cinnaberry" temporary hair dye. (Thank God it was temporary) I only leave the color on for about half the amount of time the directions instructed. (Again thank you God) They really need to change the name of this stuff. It should be called "hooker red" Holy crap Tony is going to flip out when he sees his lovely bride. I really don't think I have enough time left to wash and dry my hair twenty eight times prior to Tony getting home do I? Who cares it is only temporary right? He will just have to get over it. I will try to get a photo of this new do and put it on facebook so you all can see it in all of it's flaming glory. I need to do that later though I don't have on any make up right now. And with the deep deep shade of my hair and my unadorned face I look rather "Goth" or rather scary. So the first word out of Michelle's mouth on Thursday morning was "wow." She then proceeds to say she really likes it it is just really different from my normal. This is why we have been friends for over thirty years. I don't want friends who are too honest. I want my friends to lie to me and tell me no those pants don't make your butt look big. No that hair color is perfect for you. Crows feet... what crows feet? Of course you she looks much older than either of us. I totally agree she is way too skinny and it just doesn't look good on someone her age. Now that's a good friendship.

On Friday morning I had to once again take Drake to school two hours after I got Peyton off to school. I also had to go into the school to pay my last installment of $418.00 on the New York trip for Drake and I. I go in to pay the teacher and get a little more information on the trip from him. He explains to me that even though I will be sharing a room with three other women, whom I don't know. He will have me doing the touring with the five boys who are going on the trip. He thought I would want to be with Drake to experience this trip together. Oh how very thoughtful. I finally get away from my testosteroned filled home only to travel nearly five hundred miles by bus to be surrounded by even more testosterone. Yeah for me!! Oh goodie, then I get to share a room with three other women whom I don't know. Better yet I get to sleep in the same bed with one I don't know. Fabulous I (Tony) have just paid twelve hundred dollars to be tortured for five days. See I can get over the boy thing. I am so used to it by now. It is the sleeping arrangements that are causing me to lose sleep. See I am a spooner in bed. By this I mean that I will spoon anyone that is in bed with me. It doesn't matter who it is. Even though I really try not to I will start off the night with my back to you completely on my side of the bed but I can assure you that by morning I will be attached to your back like some sort of baby monkey at the zoo. I have done this to several people, people who haven't appreciated it at all. Once Tony and I invited my niece and her husband over for dinner and hanging out. This was when Tony still consumed vast amounts of beer. So he passes out on the couch and my niece falls asleep on the other couch. I go in to go to bed and fall fast asleep. Before I know it, it is morning and I open my eyes to see my niece and my husband standing at the foot of the bed staring at me and I realize that I am laying there spooning my nieces husband in my bed while my niece and husband are watching. Thank God there are no trust issues here or we very well could have ended up on Jerry Springer's Show. I have also spooned my gay brother. When my dad passed away we had to go to Florida for the funeral and had to stay at my other nieces house where Trent and I had to share an air mattress in the spare bedroom. The first night I curled up on my side with my back to my brother. Once again fast asleep only to be awoken by my brother pleading with me to get my big ugly boobs off of his back. And to please remove my leg from around his waist so that he could get up and get some coffee and perhaps vomit. So it goes without saying this New York trip is starting to concern me a bit. I mean do I admit to my spooning addiction up front to total strangers or do I wait and explain after the fact? See I tried to see if just Drake and I could share a room on the trip but I was told this would make the trip more expensive for the others as the cost is based on the occupancy of the rooms. I nearly offered to pay the difference for the others and then I remembered that I don't have a job. I suppose Tony would not appreciate me being so generous with his money. Plus if I did I may not be able to get a haircut until the end of summer. And considering the current shade of my hair postponing my haircut until the end of summer I would look like some sort of mad woman who is clinging to her youth with some sort of death grip. I wonder if they will allow me to sleep on the bus or if there is even a comfy couch in the lobby of the hotel. Oh God why did I sign up for this anyway? So I suppose it is best that the teacher put me with all of the boys on the trip at least I can avoid the awkward stares and silences from my bed mate while taking in the view from the top of the Statue of Liberty!

It's official. I am going to contact FOX tv I really need my own reality series. Because you know no one would really believe these things actually happen in my life. At the very least I need to have my house wired with cameras to catch this so I could at least be the biggest hit on YouTube. So if you are a facebook friend you already know that I actually have the night alone tonight. I managed to get all three penis's out of my house for the entire night. Tony (my husband) and Peyton (my youngest) went to the Columbus Bluejackets hockey game and Drake (middle son) went to a Christian Youth Rally at OSU. So here I am all excited to have the house to myself...it is so quiet that even my two jack russell's Buster and Boswell were sleeping. So I go and grab my trusty lap top slip on my PJ's hop into my bed grab the remote(s) for an entire evening to myself playing on facebook talking on the phone and most importantly eating the cookies I got from Michelle today. The same cookies that I hid in my purse to avoid having to share them with my children. Yeah I really do stuff like that. But hey..you need to give me a break these cookies were my dinner tonight. No point in cooking if no one is home right? There is fiber in sugar cookies isn't there? I only have one tv in my bedroom you would think one remote for it. Ohhhhhh noooooo I come to discover my bedroom entertainment system has no less than five flipping remotes. Come on how can one entrainment system have this many remotes. Okay well not all of them are for the tv, surround sound, cable box, dvd player, stereo. Actually found out we actually have a remote for the fan in our room. Yep you know it accidentally hit something turned it on high and oscillate. This little accident was actually good because I needed a nice breeze to cool my fueling temper. So here I am lying in my bed feeling like a queen having a castle all to herself. The looking around realizing my house doesn't so much resemble a castle. I decide to take a stab at changing the channel I need a little inspiration from HGTV. I decide to play Russian roulette with the remotes and attempt to change channels. BAD IDEA!! I manage to obviously grab the surround sound remote which is apparently linked to the DVD player..that Tony left some sort of war drama with lots of helicopters, curse words and gun fire. Did I mention that he also must have left the volume set on I-Max or something. Because as I am watching Brian Williams deliver the nightly news and I go to hit the button, suddenly the sound of gun fire is coming at me from all corners of my room and it sounds like a helicopter is landing on my roof. After I jump up after nearly peeing the bed and shaking. Trying to rescue the lap top that was perched on my lap. I look back to the TV and it seems like Brian Williams is cussing out John Yang who is reporting from somewhere. I have grabbed the wrong remote and managed to turn on the surround sound and the DVD player with one button. I am frantically trying to figure out what remote will work to turn it off so that I don't have to feel like a soldier in Iraq. or look like a Vietnam vet having a flash back. (this is why I need my own show) This is when I had the happy accident of discovering that my fan had a remote. When nothing is working and I finally give up walk over and manually turn off anything and everything in the armour. I decide to give up on HGTV and decide I will just take a long bubble bath instead and tackle this problem after a soothing bath. Plus I am hoping that the hot bath will help me to relax and stop me from shaking. A bath would also be good to freshen up a bit...remember the comment about nearly peeing the bed? Well the only reason I didn't is because even at forty one I still possess cat like reflexes and managed to jump out of the bed before it hit the mattress...can't say so much about my unmentionables. You don't think I need that medicine for bladder leakage do you? I don't think it counts if it only happens when you have the crap scared out of you. Hummm...I hope not..I don't need another middle aged ailment. Okay so having given up my electronic portion of the evening and decide on a more spa like night. A nice bubble bath is just the trick. So I run a nice bubbly tub full of water and grab my latest Janet Evanovich book. I am all settled in kicking back one paragraph in..I hear that the dogs are awake..not even just awake they are barking so loud and constant that it sounds like there must be an ax murderer in my kitchen. Really at this point I don't even care if there is..I think if there is I can take him with my Venus razor..or my mega sized bottle of Panteen. Perhaps if I turn the water back on I won't be able to hear the stupid dogs barking..naaaaahh. I can still hear them. I could put my head under the water..nooo.... that would mean I have to blow dry again..not worth it. Looks like the spa portion of my evening is over as well..hell it isn't even 7:00 yet. So I upon attempting to exit the tub I discover that Tony has swapped my Lever 2000 for Dove soap. DOVE SOAP IS NOT I REPEAT IS NOT TO BE USED IN A GARDEN TUB. Makes the damn the thing like an ice rink. When I am finally able to stand up and get my balance I hurl my right leg over the side and just as my right foot makes contact with the slate tile ole lefty decides to go for a triple Axel or something. Who knew that at forty one years old I was still even capable of doing the splits. Let alone doing the splits naked..even worse doing the splits naked and Tony isn't even home to see it. Yes I did a full split buck naked. No it isn't at all like doing them my freshman or sophomore year. My hamstrings and glutes and nearly every other part of my legs had a real issue with this little stunt. All the while the freaking dogs are still barking as I am trying to peel my naked wet injured body from the tile floor. I finally manage to limp and lean on objects to make it back to my bedroom..shut up I know it is only five or six feet the way my legs feel it may as well be the grand canyon. I am going to kill the dogs..still barking. I finally manage to get myself dressed..a nightie and undies count as dressed right. I hobble myself out to find out what is setting the stupid dogs off. I am just praying that I do have an intruder so I can kick his #^&$ for ruining my bath. I already have his demise planned I will beat him with one of the five stinking remotes in my room. Then I will finish him off with my walker that I keep in my closet. Yeah I am wondering if I need to get that out after the cheerleading stunt in the bathroom. I go out to find the idiot dogs barking at absolutely nothing!! There is no intruder in my home I don't even see signs of a mouse or anything. Then I hear something..I think someone is at the front door..holy crap..shut up dogs so I can hear. Dag nabit..I can't bend down to get in their faces to quietly tell them to have a glass of shut the hell up. I am trying to give them my "mean mommy eye". I follow that up with placing my index finger in front of my lips indicating the ssshhhh sound. Seriously you don't follow any of my voice commands but you get sign language..I really don't like them. Now with them quiet for a second I hear it again..someone is on my porch. Holy crap..what do I do..I really don't think I can fight someone off tonight with jello legs. I try to to tip toe closer to the door to see if I can hear better and identify what type of intruder is on the porch. No luck I go back to the kitchen isn't this nice..now the barking guard dogs are curled up together in their kennel. I can't see the driveway from the kitchen..I hobble my way to bedroom..crap..I don;t want to peak out the blinds whoever is out there may see me from the porch..hobble...curse...hobble...curse..finally back to the bathroom. Looking out I don't spot any vehicles in my drive. Okay so my intruder either rode his bike down to kill me or is too stupid to posses a valid drivers license. Alright now I am mad he didn't even have the sense to bring a getaway car? Oh so I don't even warrant a getaway car? That's it..hobble...curse..hobble..curse I throw open the front door nearly pee myself again. (No this time I actually didn't..those kegel exercises really do help..well they help while standing not so much while lying in bed) My intruder is about oh eighteen inches to nearly two feet tall. I'd say he goes approximately thirty to thirty five pounds. Uh huh...did I mention we have a raccoon problem at my house. I will have to do another blog totally dedicated to this little woodland creature. This same woodland creature that I am determined to murder. Yep after Wednesdays performance from him. I have Peyton's bb gun right next to the front door. I grab for the gun by the way my cat like reflexes are now hindered due to the bathroom split. Just as I get my hands on the gun the little monster scurries off my porch the sudden movement scares me and I drop the flipping gun on my foot. I think I may have actually bruised the top of it. OMG..I need to just go lay in bed until Tony and the boys come home. Otherwise they may find my body at the rate I am going. So I hobbled..cursed...hobbled..cursed..and made my way back to bed. I suppose it is safe for me to half sit half lay here and blog isn't it. Probably not..the way this night is going so far I imagine the raccoon is out there chewing his way threw my siding to the wiring and with the rain outside I am anticipating being electrocuted at any moment. My legs hurt so bad which I guess is helping to take the focus off my foot. I think I have some percocet left from the last time my back went out...but you know I think I will just stay here and live with the pain. Hey I got the right remote this time..I actually have American Idol on and there is the right sound to go with it. Crap who did they send home I missed it. Oh no I left Michelle's cookies in my purse maybe I will try to find the percocet I can grab the cookies on the way back. You know my hat goes off to that survivor man Tony is always watching. I usually make fun of him..but you know her deserves a lot or respect and admiration for what he does..I mean he gets dropped off in the middle of no where and makes his way home. I have one evening to myself in my own home and I am beginning to doubt my ability to survive it. Pray for me and if I don't blog again soon contact the authorities because with the temps warming up it will really start to stink. Oh never mind Tony and the boys will notice I am sure they will be hungry before my body begins to decay.. I need to go watch Idol. Oh and find the percocet and cookies. Now tell me that my own reality show wouldn't be better than anything they have on Fox?

Warning Warning Warning to All Dieters!!

Now as I may have mentioned...okay so maybe I have mentioned a few hundred times I am actually losing weight. This miraculous triumph I will admit has had me feeling pretty dag gone good. Yes I am fully aware that the bible does talk about pride and vanity and I know these two little monsters are not a good thing. Yet with that being said I have to say that I have been quite smitten with my ever shrinking shape.Not that I am ready for a cover shot on shape magazine or anything like that seriously there is not enough air brushing in the world to hide the flaws and scars that remain. But for a forty something mid western mother of three housewife...it will work. I think God will give me a break for staring at my self a little longer in the mirror (I truly do mean "a Little" ) See I used to do an Olympic type sprint from the bathroom to the bedroom after my shower to avoid seeing myself naked in the the giant mirror. Now with the weight loss I went from a sprint, to a jog, to a fast paced walk and over the past week or so I have even stopped. I know some would call it vanity I would call it being mesmerized by bone structure that I have not seen since at least 1994 or so. I have discovered that I still possess a rib cage..that's good right? There is even the very slightest glimpse of bones near my hips? And I am only down to one roll of back fat. And since I like to dissolution myself I blame that on my ill fitting bra. So here I am the other day after showering and I put on my unmentionables....undies...check...bra.....lock and load or I should say load and lock.....check. I decide to apply my make up and fix my hair before choosing my clothes. the recent weight loss actually has be brave enough to do that. And I am home alone anyway...did I mention the kids went to school the entire week without delay or cancellation!! Even better they have to go six days for the next four weeks..HAHAHA!! Does that make me a bad parent? Don't answer that unless it is something I want to here. I am all about positive feedback and zen. Well there I am in front of the mirror blow drying my hair that is in dire need of a cut and I notice my little bird wings aren't flapping nearly as much as they were just a month ago? In case you don't understand "bird wings" are the back part of your arm from your elbow to your shoulder. And in recent well maybe the last fifteen years I have noticed my wings get a little larger a little longer and at times have flapped so much while drying my hair or waving to a friend that I am astonished they haven't cause me injury. Honestly the bird wings were getting so bad that I began to wonder if perhaps I was growing a second set of knockers on the backs of my arms. So taken with the lack of major flapping I got side tracked and blew my hair right in my face and ended up with a long red hair in my eye. One that had detached itself from my head completely. I drop the blow dryer and stick my face in the mirror to begin the search for the stray hair that is burning so bad that I wonder if my hair was so hot when it entered my eye that it may have burnt my retna or something. Finally after what feels like an eternity I locate and dislodge this seven inch hair from my burning watery eye...OMG what the hell? Ladies here is the warning FAT FILLS IN WRINKLES!!! Yeah so I have been sooooo side lined with the discovery of new bones in my body that I have really not focused on my face. Removing foreign objects from your eyes requires that you focus on your face by the way. So along with the wonderful discovery of new bones on my body I have failed until now to notice the new lines and wrinkles on my flipping face. I know they say "the Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." I just was oblivious that they were referring to taketh my ass and gut and giveth smile lines and crows feet. So I begin my little discussion with God. I have these little discussions quite often. Don't worry he is used to me he made me and all so don't be shocked. Oh oh oh toooooo funny God. So I see you are getting your funny on again huh? So I have prayed I have deprived myself of delectable treats, I have purchased infomercial equipment, I have purchased DVD workout tapes (even received some workout tapes as gifts...hint....hint....thanks Jan...very subtle) So you finally decide to give in to my constant request and grant me my prayer. Okay well thank you very much...but you didn't have to go and give me the face of that freaky little creature on the Lord of the Rings movies as well. Now God I know they say you can't have it all..well they mostly say women can't have it all. it seems that men can? We need to talk more about that later..right now this is between you and me. This isn't fair!! Oh I don't even want to hear the whole life isn't fair speech right now. I just seen Cindy Crawford the other day on her infomercial for "Meaningful Beauty" and she definitely has it all. They showed a split screen of a photo of her at twenty eight right next to a photo of her at forty one. Oh yeah forty one..that just happens to be my new age as well. The only thing that is different in her pics is she is prettier now than she was a twenty eight? if I were to take a photo today and put it next to a photo of me at twenty eight most folks would think wow..I sure hope that poor daughter (on the left) doesn't end up aging like her mother!! (on the right) Yes ..yes I know they say be careful what you pray for..well they say that because there is an apparent break down in communication here with us..you don't say much you know? I need specifics I need to know the rules you can't just let me go around praying and purchasing and dieting and at times even breaking a sweat for years and years then just decide to give in. Then begin making my face look like a zoomed in shot on Map Quest without warning. That is just down right mean! And I haven't even mentioned what on earth happened to the pores on my face..yeah is that a bonus? The pores on my face are so large and so deep that they could hold enough maple syrup for someone to eat a short stack from IHOP and use my face for dipping them in. He still isn't answering me! Really I mean I don't want want him appearing in the bathroom or anything like that for crying out loud. I don't want to end up like Moses and have my hair go snow white instantly or anything. Speaking of snow white hair yeah I have found those to be more and more frequent recently as well. What is up with that? What happened to the slow progression of age? Huh? You can't just go and flip a switch and voila! Once day I am a fat and happy woman who looks relatively good for her age to making me look like Estelle Getty overnight. Yes I use Estelle Getty as my reference as she was the smallest of the Golden Girls. Though I do know I am not nearly to the level of being the smallest woman in any given room...but given my propensity for disillusioning myself I decided to use Estelle. Once I realize God is not in the mood for talking right now I take matters into my own hands. By this I mean grabbing my Target gift card from Amy and Sherry I received as a birthday gift and off I go. My son Preston decides to go along with me and treat me to lunch. I never pass up a free lunch! Especially since I have decided to for go all dieting given the recent image in the mirror. I figure a little body fat is easily addressed with a good bra, a good pair of control tops and on occasion a good girdle. The right undergarments can hide a multitude of flaws. Your face on the other hand is not so easily hidden. I mean unless I decide to switch religions or something and purchase a new wardrobe consisting of burkas and veils. I am sorry I just don't see this being a good look for me. I would have a really hard time and probably even end up drowning trying to jet ski and go tubing this summer in a burka. On my way to meet up with Preston and do lunch prior to my Target shopping spree I have decided I will eat whatever I want I would prefer a nice face over a small waistline. We go to Red Robin where I am determined to eat to my hearts content and Preston is talking about how hard he has been working out and how great his diet is going. Of course upon watching him order a nice grilled chicken salad I am guilted into eating healthy as well. He is my son and I can't as a mother stuff my wrinkly face with chili cheese fries and Bacon cheeseburger right in front of him. I don't know this may have been God's reply. I really just wish he wasn't so vague sometimes. So I eat my grilled chicken breast and side salad with light vinaigrette dressing no less and head to Target. I swing through the clothing section I purchase one very cute shirt a shirt that will accentuate my newly acquired waist line. As I am leaving the clothing section Preston says " that is all you are getting?" I tell him I need to spend my gift card on other products. So we head over to the health and beauty section. I decide I need a good exfoliator, pore minimizer, tone corrector, eye cream, and a good moisturizer with SPF for day and a hydrating cream with Retinol for night. Granted my eyesight has become so bad that I have to stand on the opposite side of the aisle to read the packaging. Then once I have chosen one I have to hand it to Preston to confirm that I am actually purchasing what I think I am purchasing. He is laughing so hard at the fact that his mom is getting so old that she would spend her money on anti aging products over clothes that he can barely contain himself. Once I have chosen and confirmed with Preston that I have the right products I head two aisles down to peruse the hair dyes. I think I need to go redder! Between the grays and the ever fading of my once vibrant red hair I think this will give me a a little boost. Once again after I have confirmed with Preston that I have made the correct purchase I head to the check out. One hundred and seventeen dollars later (no my gift card did not cover all of it) the family will be okay with lunch meat sandwiches and hamburger helper for a week. They will just need to understand that sacrifices must be made in the name of beauty! After using my entire gift card and part of the grocery money Preston and I walk out of Target he is carrying my bag of goodies..or should I say bag of ammunition for this new battle. I am feeling quite good about being able to win this little war. This is when Preston turns around holds the bag up grins at me and says "hey mom what do you call this?.....youth in a bag." Is it still child abuse when your child is twenty three years old? Oh yeah and Mom..look over there is an eye mart..I hear they sell bifocals? Well aren't I just the luckiest lady on earth my children have inherited my family's warped sense of humor? So yes I am going to continue trying to lose weight while also fighting the aging battle. And if I get too warn down from trying to fight two wars at the same time. You will just see me fat and happy floating in some pool this summer looking like a gala apple I say gala apple because they have the nicest smoothest skin of all the apples. Well if I give up the battle of the bulge I need to start skimming off the top of the grocery account in order to save for a nice perfect shade of green swimsuit this summer. Because if I am going to be shaped like an apple then I really should have the right coloring for it. Besides I think green will look really good next my completely gray ridden vibrant cinnamon spiced hair. I really need to go for now I need to see if there is a website for Meaningful Beauty.

It Said My Faith Would Be Tested Not My Sanity

Now I know somewhere in the bible (don't ask me where) about faith being tested. Well that is all well and good but it never mentioned anything about my sanity being tested. So folks don't worry my faith is utterly and completely intact. I without any doubt believe in God and that hee sent his son to die for me being such a loser. Yet I have to add that I believe in a God who has one totally hysterical sense of humor. When he does finally pull me through the valley of winter 2009 -2010 I plan on having a real heated discussion about funny only being funny for so long. That is if I survive this winter without the men in the white coats coming to cart me off and inject me with drugs so powerful that I don't even know my own name. Well this morning at five thirty am as I am fast asleep dreaming about my Matt Lauer Today show interview when I get my book published there is suddenly a loud nasty vibration coming from my nightstand. Oh no you didn't....... get your mind out of the gutter girls it was my cell phone. It was an incoming text announcing that our school was on a two hour delay. Okay I can handle that no problem. Being that I am stricken with a lifelong case of once up always up I know there is no use in trying to snuggle back in bed and catch a few more winks. Even if those winks include me being on the set of the today show with Matt. I decide to go ahead and make the coffee and enjoy the two additional hours of solitude before I wake the boys for school. I look outside and see that there are just a few snow flurries and think we are in the clear in a couple of more hours I will get Tony out the door and the boys off to school and enjoy the rest of my day. I am nearly one third of the way to my goal of a husband and child free home I have packed Tony's lunch made his coffee and have his mug and his lunch sitting on the table by the front door. I may as well kick him in the rear end on the way out and say see ya!! He just thinks that I am being a a sweet and dutiful wife he would never guess my ulterior motives. When I just about have him out the door I can hear it OMG it can't be there is that nasty vibrating sound indicating an incoming text. I nearly start spinning in circles like one of my two Jack Russell's I am trying to decide if I ignore the text, if perhaps I even toss the cell phone out the front door and into the creek next to my house if it will change anything. I nearly fall to my knees as I go to touch this devil phone vibrating and gyrating just waiting on me to open it and read the dreaded message it is about to deliver. Those words that can strike fear and anxiety into the hearts of any Mom....Logan Elm School Districts New Status.......Closed!!! Since Tony is still home I refrain from the reaction I really wanted to have for fear that he would contact the men in the white coats sooner rather than later. So I try to busy myself until at least he pulls out of the drive. I fake sanity smile and give him a kiss and an I love you have a great day and safe trip in. I open the door to nearly throw him out and the rage flares pardon my french "what in the hell"...there is no snow on my road...there is no snow on my porch..there is no snow coming from the sky..really wait is that the sun I see in the sky. I must be losing it ....no wait...oh yeah now even the birds are in on this whole thing they flipping birds are chirping. so let me get this straight..no snow on road, no snow falling, no snow on porch, sun in the sky and birds chirping and school is cancelled. I go in search of my phone book I am thinking I really need to contact the superintendent and let her have it..crap I can't do that our superintendent resigned last month. Who is the interim one? Okay this isn't really happening maybe the local news station accidentally resent and old text. I grab the computer to go the website just to doublecheck yeah that has got to be it. Some automated thing or some young intern at the station has sent this second text by mistake. As I am logging on I am laughing to myself thinking this will be a really funny story to tell later. When I finally sign in a scroll down to my county my fantasy ends and reality comes crashing in. Theeeeeiiir....hoooooo...ooome for the whole day!! Okay maybe I could leave and note for them saying there was some sort of an emergency I could grab my laptop my latest book and I could hide at my Mom's for the rest of the day. I could even call Michelle and she could come over and hang out. (Michelle a girl who has been my friend since grade school lives just two miles from Mom's) We could drink coffee and lay around and talk maybe even grab some lunch. Just as I am about to make a run for it God reminds me what happened the last time I left my boys home alone. No they were not to young to be left at home this was last summer fourteen and twelve years old should be old enough to leave home alone for forty five minutes?? Not my little angels. Last summer Tony and I had our vehicle taken in for service to prepare it for out planned vacation to Florida. The shop called right after he arrived home from work and said my vehicle was ready. Tony said we should just go get it right away because if he comes in he won't feel like going back out. What he really means is if I come in I will strip down to my undies and you will not be able to pry the remote out of my hand or pry me from the bed later. I tell Tony I will just get the kids and have them get their shoes on and we will all leave. Tony suggest that just the two of us go and leave the children home. When I stare blankly at him as if he has grown a second head he ask what the problem is. I tell him there is no problem I am just wondering if he has ever met our children. The boys sensing some sort of drama come running out of their rooms and ask what is going on. I explain that we need to go pick up my vehicle from the service station and his father wants them to stay here while we do. Being so smug and sure of myself and sure that I know my children I know they will not agree to this. Little brats....they turn on me "oh come on Mom please let us stay here nothing will happen. Then Tony chimes in "come on Jami you can't treat them like babies forever. You are turning them both into crying little mamma's boys." (Please remember this line for later) He continues "you are over protective we are going to be gone less than an hour I think they can manage for less than an hour. What is the worst that could happen?" (Remember this one as well) Well we make to the service station pay and get my keys. I tell Tony that I need to run to Kroger and grab a couple of things a before heading home. He says he is going straight home and I tell him to let the boys know I will just grab some takeout for dinner after I leave the store. As I am walking through the store thinking about how cool of a mom I am. I am sure Tony and the boys are right I need to start loosening the apron strings just a little. I am in line loading my purchases on the little conveyor belt thing and the phone rings. I answer to hear Drake breathing heavy and sounding quite panicked and crying. "Uhhh Mom...Uuuuuh this is uuuuh Drake...and uuuh Mom something bad happened (this is when I can hear Peyton screaming like a banshee in the back ground) Mom there is a lot of blood but...I have pressure on it...where are you? (more blood curdling screams from Peyton) trying to stay calm and avoid being the crazy woman in the local Kroger I remain quite calm as the cashier is scanning my items I tell Drake to stay calm keep pressure on the cut and try to calm Peyton down. I tell him I need to hang up and call his Dad since his dad should have been home already and I will call him right back. Do you remember Tony's comment about crying Momma's boys and what is the worst that could happen) Not bragging or anything but yep Mom once again was right. When I call Tony he decided to take the flipping scenic route home really the scenic route in Pickaway county goes something like this cow, tree, road kill, hill, curve, $300,000.00 house, trailer, cow, horse, barn, hit the brakes......deer. I tell him he needs to get home and take Peyton to the ER for stitches or something I am on my way as well. Imagine this I actually beat Tony home to find that my house looks like the Manson family stopped by for a visit. Obviously after Peyton fell and cut his head open he must have ran in circles throughout the entire house as there is blood on the carpet from the front door, through the formal living room, into the dining room, into the family room, into the small bath all then leading back to the scene of the incident where the volume of blood soaked carpet really increased in his bedroom. Tony finally makes his way home from his scenic journey through the countryside to get Peyton to the ER. I spent the rest of the evening cleaning blood from the carpet. By the way never...let me repeat never us peroxide on beige Berber carpet to remove blood. Yes it does remove the blood but the blood stain is then replaced by a glaring white spots that resemble some sort of orbs in your carpet. Of course Peyton was fine after getting three staples in his head. So with the replay of this incident pushed once again to the forefront of my brain. I opt to cancel my plan of running away for the day to Mom's. So yep another dag gone snow day. That is why I have not been able to blog until so late this evening. To top it off I just got up to grab a diet coke and looked outside...Guess what folks???....I am telling you God is real hoot...it is snowing.!!! Should I go ahead and throw my phone in the creek tonight to avoid the dreaded text? I will try to blog again tomorrow ( I happen to be an optimist) if not and there is another snow day and I finally snap I will have my psycho-therapist post something to let you know I am okay and resting comfortably in my nice padded cell.

The Housewife's Revenge(Domestic Queen)

Granted I have to admit that I have now suffered PMS for approximately three weeks straight and still no sign of the actual painters showing up. And yes this particular month I will admit that this is probably the worse case of PMS on record if the medical industry would actually bother to truly study this topic. They really don't have time I understand since all of their focus is currently on the next new drug treatment for limp noodle syndrome. An example of just how bad this is I actually went shopping at Tuttle this weekend and I will say proudly that I purchased a pair of jeans in a size that I have not been able to squeeze into since Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby was topping the charts. Even with the glorious moment that I have waited over 16 years to achieve could not appease the hormones apparently raging inside. I have gone from complete homicidal rage contemplating running over old people at Walmart who were in my way to slapping young children in the mall who got on my nerves just because they were there. Then the following moment to blubbering crying attacks because of what a wretched human being I am. With all of this I still can not deny the fact that I live in a house with the most ungrateful lazy group of men (boys) on the planet. Now if you will recall in my last blog I recited some of my hard work last week. I didn't even begin to mention all of the other things I did that would have probably got me nominated for wife and mother of the year. Things such as, packing Tony's lunch each day. Shoveling a path to his vehicle, removing ice from his vehicle, and warming the truck up. Making breakfast for the kids, (no not just a bowl of cereal actual breakfast that required me utilizing my stove and toaster.)Preparing and having Tony's coffee ready and waiting by the front door in his favorite mug. To shoveling the drive way last Wednesday so Tony wouldn't have to when he came home. I won't even mention the more intimate things I will just say that Tony is one extremely lucky man. But today baby it is a new day and I have had it seeing that no one felt it necessary to say so much as a meager thank you Mom, thank you Honey I have reached my boiling point. My boiling point is not pretty, my family refers to it as going from zero to crazy in the blink of an eye. So today I am going to implement "The Housewife's Revenge", my family obviously thinks my job in life is to go around behind them picking up and putting away every item they wear, eat from, utilize, drop, read or play with. But today they are going to get what's coming to them. I have devised a plan to let them know where I am coming from. I have located in my newly organized pantry my giant contractor trash bags which I will cut and duck tape together today to make tarps from both of the boys beds and for Tony's half of our king size bed. These said tarps are going to be put down right where they intend to sleep tonight. This will not be an easy task for any of them as the second phase of my plan is to gather any and all items that I am expected to pick up after them and have them laying on these tarps. Items such as, dirty socks, dirty underwear, damp towels thrown on the floor, tooth brushes left lying on the counter (even though there are toothbrush holders right next to where they leave them laying.) hangers thrown on the floor of the closet, magazines left lying on my couch, guitar picks, board games, i-pods, nerf guns. All items will be place on top of each tarp according to who left said item laying out for Mom/Wife to pick up wash and put back in it's proper location. Phase three of this plan includes items not before mentioned items which include all food items such as, cereal bowls with some cereal and milk in them, water, soda and gatorade bottles over half full left on nightstands dressers, counters, end tables, coffee tables, computer desk. Opened bags of chips, half eaten pop tarts and even a couple of pizza rolls left lying on a plate on my dining room table. All of these once consumable items will be sitting on tonight's dinner table. I think I may even light a few candles to set the moods. And when they all come strolling in this evening and ask what's for dinner I will sweep my arm in a fashion similar to Vanna White on Wheel of Fortune and point out the spread on the table. I may even get real brash and type out a cool menu in a great font on my new laptop perhaps something like this. McComas Family Table on tonight's menu: Aged cinnamon toast crunch served with curdled milk, one stale frosted cherry pop tart, one half eaten bag of ruffles potato chips left open to insure the aging process, drink options are abundant, red gatorade, blue G2, Dr. Pepper, Sierra Mist and even one McDonalds fountain drink as well as several assorted bottles of water all of which are partially consumed. Then for dessert I intend to present them with a display of rock hard brownies which I lovingly made this weekend cut into Pettibone sized slices and wisely placed in the covered cake container that I swiped from my mothers at one of our family functions. The very same cake container with a snap on lid that someone got into last night ate half of a brownie left the other half in the container and them proceeded to leave the lid off of all night. Now folks if this plan goes over and plays out like I think it will I will grab my laptop and post something on facebook from my mothers house where I will probably be staying for a couple of days. I am thinking a party at mom's since she abandoned me along with the rest of my biological family. I will let everyone know what time the festivities will start. Another added benefit to my plan is when Tony comes home tonight and sees this glorious display he won't have to ask what I did all day. He will be able to see for himself exactly what I did since what I did will delay his plan of laying in the bed with the remote grasped firmly in his hand until he puts away all the items from the homemade tarp covering his half of the bed. Now if he decides to partake in the fabulous meal on the table I don't see him resting comfortably in bed personally I think he will be quite attached to the toilet from food poisoning.