A little kitty and little wood (don't be perverted)

Well my new family member is still working out. She has survived nearly two weeks at our humble abode AKA The Wild Kingdom as my sister's like to call it. I will tell you our new addition has caused a little extra work on my part. Between my two dogs, the new cat, the raccoon, the opossum, the ground hog, and the giant chicken hawks I can happily report everyone is alive and well. Due to the addition of Berlin to the family every morning begins now with me being on wild animal control in our front yard. At approximately six am each morning I have to don my big purple robe and go out on wild animal patrol to make sure it is safe to have Berlin exit her house. I then have to scoop her up and hold her while Tony releases the hounds (Buster and Boswell) I have to hold Berlin in one arm and hold the broom in the other to fend of Boswell from attacking poor Berlin and vice versa. This I will tell you is a whole bunch of fun trying to hold onto a cat that is hissing and clawing trying to get at the dog and the dog is jumping up and baring his teeth. I do feel blood pressure meds are in my near future if this is to become my new morning ritual. Part two requires me screaming at Buster to stay in the front where I can see him for fear that Rocky the Raccoon will attack him while I am trying to keep Berlin and Boswell from attacking each other. I will say this does serve as a great excuse for me not to do any type of cardio exercise though because in my head I am sure my heart rate is at optimal fat burning speed before I ever even get my first cup of coffee. This makes sense doesn't it? Just tell me I am right and get it over with! After getting the dogs back inside and Berlin safe I feed her which immediately sends her into some form of hysteria running all over the front yard and up and down every tree in the yard. Then she positions herself under Tony's truck to catch her breathe. She does this just about the time Tony is ready to leave for work. So once again I am back outside in my giant Barney robe trying to coax her out from under the truck so Tony can leave. I am not sure if I have told you Tony is not well known for his patience. He is under the impression that all the planets and all the people and animals should fall in line and work around his schedule. I feel this may be a sign of insanity for him as he has been married to me after all for nearly two decades. Why on earth he would get the impression that things go as planned after all these years I will never figure out! OMG I think my ADD just kicked in I totally forgot to mention the most amazing discovery I had yesterday. Let me tell you first that I am married to a contractor/carpenter. All of you ladies know what this means. I have the ugliest most unfinished house on the street. Although I have managed to get at least part of Peyton's bedroom remodel finished. I had to do this my draping everything in plastic and forcing my sweet baby to sleep on the couch for the last three weeks. I began working on the nail holes and plastering BB holes, and some larger ones that I am sure came from some sort of automatic weapon like perhaps an AK47 or something. I was hoping this would be enough to get Tony moving and actually finish the project. Especially since Peyton sleeping and playing his videos on Tony's prized new plat screen television. My plan did not work...that is until I purchase the paint and began to paint the room myself. When Tony discovered that I was trying my hand at painting he finally painted the room in less than an hour!!!! One hour yeah I have been waiting for three weeks and sweating and you do this in an hour. Since Tony was so kind as to do the painting finally I thought I would help out by installing the new closet organizer that I stole from my Mom's basement to keep the remodel going. So yesterday morning after everyone left I grab my drill, screwdriver, hammer (just in case) and level and try to begin the installation of this closet system. All I have to say for this system is unless you want to drive yourself totally coo coo don't buy one. To install this damn thing you would need sixteen hands and an engineering degree from MIT to actually be able to get this done. After struggling for over an hour and half with this system from hell. I gave up I went into the other closet and seen that Tony had used wood to create shelves in other closets. This looked much easier. I went in got dressed in my very best Pickaway County housewife attire (big ugly t-shirt, big ugly jeans, tennis shoes and a pony tail) and took my domestic butt to Sutherlands. This is where the great discovery was made!! OMG it is my own little nirvana they will cut wood for you if you have the measurements. This is my greatest discovery yet. See I have asked Tony on multiple occasions to show me how to use the big power tools. Or at least a couple of the saws and he always points out that perhaps it is not the best idea for me to be using tools that have the ability to cut off my hands and or fingers while home alone is not a wise idea. He used to make sure he took every power tool he owned to work with him. Now he has started leaving some of them in our shed at home he only does this now because he knows that I will no longer enter our shed. Last month a snake was discovered right inside the shed door on two different occasions. The first one by Tony who did actually manage to kill it. But two days later when I went to get something there was another one. So now given my, what Tony's classifies as irrational fear of snakes (just because one time I launched myself butt first out of a window six feet off the ground screaming and crying) he knows he can put anything in that shed and I will never ever ever for all of my days on earth enter it again!!!! But that will no longer keep me from attempting to remodel the house, thanks to this new discovery. I don't need his stinking power tools he can put them in the shed if wants I will not be stopped!!! I will be like those do it yourselfers on HGTV. Even though he won't admit it to me I know he was really impressed when I showed him the new shelf I installed in Peyton's closet. Granted he did role his eyes when he asked what type of screws I used for the supports and I told him I kind lost patience with the drill and opted to use giant nails and a hammer instead.(see I knew from the get go that the hammer would be needed) I already have the wood cut and ready to install another one in Drake's closet this week. I also have some great plans for a few other little projects I have been asking him to do as well. The home stores not only cut rough lumber for you they will cut trim as well. I am just tickled pink and I think Tony is ready to up the dosage of his blood pressure medicine. Oh yeah and if anyone with an engineering degree and the patience of Job would like a closet organizer system I have one available I can just duct tape it all back in the box. Well folks I gotta go for now. There is a shelf needing installing and I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the two by fours and 5/8 inch plywood I have hidden in my Denali before Tony gets home. I tell you what Tony just needs to realize what a catch I am..I mean I can cook, I can clean, I have mad laundry skills and now I can even do home remodeling. Not to even mention that I can remove and install that plunger thingy in the toilets I just did that last week. He is sooooo lucky!! Until next time happy remodeling!!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats (Part II)

Okay Drake is all recovered and everyone is off to school and back to work. So back to Kittygate 2010. When I last left you I had explained the first half of my day on Friday. As I arrive home from my lone lunch and shopping adventure on Friday I have just enough time to sprinkle some carpet fresh, vacuum and spray my Febreeze so that Tony will think I have worked my little domestic hands all day long. Since it is Friday night I know that everyone in my home with testicles will be heading off to a local football game for the night. Yes I do have two male dogs but I had their stuff cut off so they can stay. I look so forward to Friday night football season because it is the only night of the week that I can actually hold the remote controls and watch whatever I choose on the TV. I even manage to gather up all the dirty clothes throughout the house and shove all of it into the washer so that Tony will think I have done the laundry as well. See I know he will be in such a rush to get to the game he wouldn't think to open the washer and see that I have whites, darks, towels and unmentionables crammed in their. Besides that I don't think anyone in the house knows what the washer is. I think my family believes that the washer walks out of the laundry room gathers all of their wet towels, dirty undies, sweaty T-shirts and gazillion pairs of gym shorts off of the floor and one hour and fifteen minutes later the washer walks back out and hangs everything either back in the closet or in the drawers. But that is another blog all together! When I hear Tony and Drake pull into the driveway I hop over to the couch to grab my book and act like I have the house cleaned and am just sitting around reading and relaxing. This little trick gives Tony the impression that I have completed all of my domestic duties in the morning and that our home is one well oiled machine. If he could only knew what a complete procrastinator his wife truly is he would be appalled. Tony walks in and ask me to come out on the porch to talk for a bit before he leaves for the Circleville game. Just as I am walking out to join him Drake is exiting Tony's truck with a big cardboard box making his way for the house. I ask Drake "what is that box for do you have some sort of project to work on this weekend?" Drake nonchalantly says "no Mom this is a cat I got from some kid at school." "Oh really did I not make it clear to you last week when you ask about the cat that I DO NOT LIKE CATS, and I will not have one in my home. I have a hard enough time cleaning up the messes from all of you and the two dogs." Drakes says "don't worry Mom the cat isn't for us I brought it home for my friend Austin." When I ask him what time Austin will be arriving to get the cat he informs me that Austin is busy tonight hanging out with friends and won't be coming until tomorrow. Okey dokey so what in the $%^*) am I supposed to do to keep the cat safe and in the yard for the night. Drake suggest that I allow him inside just for tonight. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I tell him that the kitten will just have to stay in the box for the night. Then I ask him what am I supposed to give this kitten to eat he can't stay here all night without having some food. This is when Tony gets up and says he has that covered he stopped and purchased cat food for her on the way home. This same man who acts like I am asking him to donate a kidney if I ask him to stop and pick up milk for me...oh but for the cute little kitten he can make a trip to Kroger I see! Tony purchasing several cans of cat food should have been my first clue that this was not what is appeared. I fed the cat gave her some water and told them to put her in the box for the evening. Drake tells me to quit calling her it or her that her name is Berlin..really so she has a name. This should have been another clue that this was not looking good for me. Tony uses the over under method to shut the box to no avail. She managed to free herself as soon as Tony and Drake when inside to get ready for the game. Did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS?!. not only do I not like cat I am deathly afraid of them and their little sharp claws. I start yelling for Tony or Drake or anyone who can hear to please come out and get this kitten her is purring and crawling up my leg like I am her long lost mother. Of course no one hears me or comes to my rescue! Berlin manages to climb into my lap up my stomach and reaches out her paw like she is going to take a nice sharp swipe at my face. Then she ever so gently starts petting my face sans claws. Just when I think she is going to start tearing flesh from my aging face giving me a horrible case of cat scratch fever she turns all sweet and delicate. (Uh oh I could be in trouble here) Something sweet and delicate in my house I wouldn't know what to do. I would be willing to be she doesn't even fart! And she doesn't have testicles that she can scratch! Tony Drake and Peyton all leave for the games and instead of my relaxing night of TV and control of the remote. I spend the entire evening running in and out of my house checking to make sure Berlin hasn't escaped and that one of the many creatures in my yard hasn't had her for dinner. Drake of course doesn't come home after the game he informs me that he is going into town with friends and ask to spend the night with Aaron. Great just great! I wake up at 5:30 am on Saturday morning unable to sleep from worry that Berlin has gotten out and been attacked by the giant raccoon in my yard.
I end up sitting outside in my bathrobe until about ten am when Tony finally comes out. I had to spend an entire Saturday morning keeping vigil over a cat that isn't even mine. At round noon when Drake hasn't even called and Austin has yet to show up to pick up HIS cat. I finally call Drake and ask him to make contact with Austin to find out what time he is coming. Drake calls me back nearly an hour later to inform me that Austin will not be able to come until at least tonight. Right as I am beginning to give him the lecture Berlin finally claws her way out of the box I am screaming at Drake on the phone that she has escaped and that there is nothing I can do if she runs off or gets injured. He acts like this is no big deal he says it will be fine! Sometimes it should be legal to strangle a teenager!! In defeat I run inside to get another can of cat food in hopes that if I feed her she will stick around the house and not run off to be attacked or injured by any of the other creatures. Drake and Austin finally show up at the house only to let me know they are heading out to a show in Chillicothe and Austin will be spending the night with us tonight and will finally take Berlin home with him on Sunday. Just flipping fabulous! Berlin did manage to figure out that she can find shelter under my porch thank God. On Sunday morning up at 5:15 am once again worried about her I spend several hours on the porch once again standing guard. When Drake and Austin finally wake up at around noon Austin says he is heading home that he has a busy day I remind him not to forget the Berlin when he goes out and to go ahead and take the remaining cans of food for her. I say goodbye to Austin and head off to take my shower. After I have showered and dressed I make my way outside to remind Tony that I have to get going soon because I have to be in Cleveland to see Jackson Brown tonight I see that Tony is sitting at the picnic table with Peyton and Drake and guess what is sitting on his lap. My head spends towards the driveway only to discover that Austin's car is gone and the cat is still here!! When I ask why Austin is gone and the cat is not, Peyton says Dad told Austin never mind and we get to keep the cat!! And Dad is going to build her a little cat house and isn't it awesome Mom!! OMG did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS!! Does anyone around here listen to a dag gone thing I say. Well my name is Jami I still DON'T LIKE CATS although I do love my little Berlin who curls herself around my feet and gently climbs into my lap every morning and caresses my face with her delicate little paws and purrs when I rub her back. And she is mine she likes me best unlike my male dogs who don't listen any better than Tony or the boys do. and I finally have something female at my house and I am her favorite one she won't come out from under the porch unless I lure her out. I love it! Tony just called to say that is building her the cat house today and that he already has the wood and insulation for it and we are going to even put siding on it to match the shed and the house. Now I need to go so I can get to Mom's then to Pet Smart to look for furnishings for Berlin's Kitty Condo! I till DON'T LIKE CATS! But Berlin is just special!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats? Part 1

Only in Jami world can these things actually happen! Last week I talked with Michelle and even managed to stop in for a brief visit early in the week. We had a nice chat and planned on making a girl day on Friday to do lunch and perhaps a little retail therapy while our boys were in school. After the long rather sad week we had in losing one of our friends from school. We decided to have a fun time together and actually get out of our respective homes for a few hours. On Friday morning looking so forward to a girls day out with one of my best friends I was extremely motivated showered dressed and called the salon for a hair appointment and managed to make the bed a load of laundry and cleaned up breakfast dishes. All of this prior to 8:35 am, needless to say I had my A game on. I immediately called Michelle to see where we going to go and what we were going to get into, when to my heart's distress she didn't answer her phone. I decided I would go ahead and leave for my appointment and call her from the road. Maybe we could still meet up after my appointment and grab lunch or even get pedi's. I actually arrived at my appointment early which is something I rarely do. (Just ask my family) I decide to wander into Lane Bryant only to discover that they no longer sale pants small enough to fit me!!!!!! Yeah that's right they don't carry my size, sorry I may be bragging a bit but I have to admit my ego was boosted big time. And to top it off I am getting a new do and a little pampering at the Salon. Ever the optimist I am sure by the time I have finished with my appointment Michelle will answer her phone and we can meet for lunch and talk and laugh like we always do. Well optimism sometimes isn't all it is cracked up to be you know? Michelle still doesn't answer her phone. Still tyring to keep my bubbly state going I convince myself that in spite of my lack of female companionship I will have my retail therapy alone. I mean I can do that for crying out loud, so what if I have no one around to share it with. I just seen Eat Pray Love at the movies with Julia Roberts and if that chick can take of to three foreign countries for a year. I can manage TJ Maxx without having a pity party. I was right TJ Maxx is just fun with or without friends. I was grabbing things off the rack to try on like I possessed an unlimited American Express card and actually had employment. Off to the fitting room I go. (by the way TJ Maxx policy is only 10 items at a time in the dressing room) So I asked the fitting room attendant (personal shopper well in my mind anyway) to hold the other items on her rack until I try on the first ten. Being that I am alone and have no one with me to offer an opinion on anything. I am able to see that a couple of items I chose were definite "NO'S" not flattering in any way shape or form or in any three way mirrors with fluorescent lighting. But some of the other items I really needed a second opinion. This is where I turned the poor unwitting fitting room attendant and perhaps a few other retail therapy patients into my own personal shoppers. After my personal shopper allowed me my second round of items and after modeling said items for her as well as a few other customers. I realized that I had turned the fitting room into Jami's personal fashion runway show then add the fact that I don't have an unlimited budget or credit card I decided to end the fashion show and for go trying on round three items. I come out of the dressing room hand my much perturbed personal shopper all of my items except for three really cute shirts and head to the check out. (I don't think the fitting room attendant liked me.) She didn't even smile when I pointed out that I had purchased one of the shirts she said didn't make my boobs look too big. Granted she only told me this because I ask her the direct question, "are you sure this doesn't make my boobs look too big?" Off to the check out with my meager purchases I try one more time to contact Michelle to no avail. I contemplated waiting a little longer and trying to call Michelle again when my stomach makes it's own protest and has informed me waiting any longer to hear from Michelle is not an option. They say many often think with parts on their bodies other than their brains. Well I don't think we women should be so quick to judge, I have found that my stomach has often called the shots over my head and my heart. So to Steak and Shake I go the Frisco Melt is calling my name. The stupid hostess sits me in a giant booth which makes it look even more awkward that I am occupying a big booth for one. I think she was trying to taunt me like some sort of school yard bully....ha haha haha ha you don't have any friends and you have to eat alone! Look at her everyone she is all by herself scarfing down a Frisco Melt like she has been in prison. Isn't she funny trying to look all smart and confident with her bifocals and her book. She is trying to pretend she enjoys this maybe all of us folks here at Steak and Shake should make her a big sign that says "LOSER" and sit it in the booth with her. Well maybe it wasn't that bad but it did sort of feel like she was trying to taunt me especially when she asked me if this would be on one check. I finally snapped and said "no actually I thought perhaps those two old coots in the corner who have stared at me the entire meal could split the cost of the stupid Frisco Melt and salad or maybe even you would like to chip in?" The Steak and Shake waitress didn't find my humor anymore than the personal shopper at TJ Maxx did? When I finally am making my way home and since I can no longer shop at Lane Bryant I decide I have the right to a McDonald's Mocha Frappe as a treat for myself. I try Michelle one more time to fill her in on my day. Michelle then proceeds to tell me that she just got home from Grove City, TJ Maxx to be specific she needed some retail therapy as well. She had posted on my Facebook which in my rush for my girls day did not get checked this morning. Upon further conversation I explain that I too have been in Grove City TJ Maxx as well. I tell her I will be at her house in a few minutes to compare receipts and purchases. At Michelle's house upon comparing receipts we discover that we were in TJ's at the same time and actually checked out about 6 minutes apart!! OMG seriously I subjected the poor attendant and several other unwilling shoppers and my friend was in the store the entire time. You have got to be kidding me. Michelle did bring up a valid point that maybe since we didn't reach each other at home we might have been smart enough to call each other's cell phones. Well isn't that just the grandest idea ever? Cell phones who knew they could be so convenient? Obviously not Michelle or I! Seriously, I haven't even gotten to the part about the stupid cat yet, but Drake just called from his new school and is locked in a bathroom stall with let's just say some "intestinal issues" and I need to go pick him up. So the story of the cat will have to come in two installments unfortunately. I will just label this on Did I Mention I Don't Like Cat's (Part 1). I will try to have installment two up later today, but that will depend heavily on the amount of intestinal trouble Drake is suffering. If not I will get part 2 tomorrow. I don't want to leave this like a Dallas cliff hanger for you fine readers so I will say this there is a cat her name is Berlin and apparently I am her new owner. Oops almost forgot to add part one to the title of this one! Soon good readers soon I will finish the entire saga of "Kittygate 2010" until then I need to go rescue Drake from the bathroom stall at school. Good day and blessings to each of you!!

Undergarments!! Yikes!

Wow I can't believe summer is over and in all that time I have not managed to write anything. I guess it just proves my point that I can only write in silence and alone. Obviously in the summer at the McComas house silence or being alone at anytime is not an option. So last night Preston calls me to jump on me about not writing anything in my blog as well as not doing anything toward getting my book submitted for publication. He informed me that he will be taking over the role of motivator and marketer for all things Mom. When I ask him if he was going to be my very own Julian Michael's (the biggest loser meanie) of writing he mentioned that I may want to find time to incorporate my pilates routine as well. When I informed him that I can't be writing and exercising everyday that there just wasn't enough time to do it all his reply was "well I kinda think there is." Oh really you kinda do? Well I kinda find your young twenty something energy and organization annoying! I am well aware that our roles change with our children as we get older I mean I know that they say eventually the parent becomes the child and vice versa. Heck I have even experienced some of this myself with my own mother. But come on this crap shouldn't start at 40.........1 there alright 41 yes I said 41dammit! And while I am at yeah, I have tri-focals and yeah now more days than not I find more gray wiry antenna like hairs sprouting from my once glorious red locks and yes shopping for bras is no longer based on cute lacy little numbers. I am now forced to select under garments based on structural integrity instead of color or sexiness. It is a sad sad day when undergarment shopping requires a girl to think about engineering instead of color and texture. Things like underwire, percentage of lycra, nipple petals and lift. If you asked me the lift thing is a bit much for crying outloud I went just last week with my sisters shopping and we ended up in the intimate's department shopping for items to hold certain things in place. The very things that used to stay in place all by themselves now require scientific study and engineering. What mother nature once did all by herself now has rooms full of people many of them men I presume according to how some of these things are designed. I tried on one over the shoulder boulder holder that had my girls lifted so high up it looked like I was comfortably resting my chin on someone's ass. This garment produced enough lift and cleavage that I literally could have stored most of the contents of my purse between them without those items being seen. I am about to start and petition and protest on the undergarment industry I want to know who is behind some of these contraptions and if in designing these items if anyone bothered to actually try them on any "real" women. Some of these things had my girls performing tricks that I didn't even know they could perform. I haven't even mentioned the so called "body shapers" yet. At least I now know why they call them "body shapers" they certainly can shape a body I am just not sure what the shape is in some of them or even if it is a shape that should ever be seen or has been seen in nature.And I just love the names for these "body shapers" too one is called "Spanx" these are the ones Oprah and Beyonce swear by. I will admit they are great but "Spanx" really? What is the meaning behind that are girls who like food supposed to be spanked are we bad little girls for having a little (okay so alot) of junk in the trunk. The one combination of bra and body shaper had my girls directly below my chin and had my thighs and butt as lifted and smooth as when I was a fifteen year old. The only problem was that somewhere between where the "body shaper" ended and the bra began it looked like I was ready for the pool as I had what looked like a small childs intertube on. Another look that I thought I should try was a minimizer bra with a full body shaper that went clear up to my bra. Warning, warning....never ever ever put a minimizer bra on. Now I know why they say if you got it flaunt it! A minimizer bra and body shaper combo does absolutely nothing to help a girl's self esteem. This deadly combo made me look exactly like Fred Flinstone. I am not exaggerating this point. I was literally square. I looked more like a linebacker than a lady.This look had me so blocky and square that you could have painted me scarlet and gray and I could have been the new mascot for OSU the walking talking Block O. Boobs even ones that are gravitationally challenged are better than trying to make it look like you don't have them.Which is exactly what my sweet hubby Tony would like. They do serve to give the appearance of a waistline. Then last night watching TV with Tony the new Vicotria's Secret commercial comes on with their new slogan "I love my Body" of course you love your body who wouldn't? I mean if I invested thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery for my body I would love mine too. Really just sitting here looking at your bodies I love them and by the look on Tony's face he is quite smitten with your bodies as well. Where is the freaking Dove commercial when you need it? Real women with real cellulite and stretch marks and gravity and bloating. Victoria's secret I will tell you what her secret is...it is surgically enhanced airbrushed anorexic woman in their unmentionables. Yes I am quite bitter the wounds of last weeks shopping are too fresh for me to endure looking at these bodies that are untainable on my TV with my hubby. I mean what must he think..does he think looking like that is even possible for the average woman? Well all this talk of the perils of undergarment shopping has me thinking perhaps Preston has a point and I should probably keep this one short and take the stupid twenty minutes and do the flipping pilates dvd. Maybe if I did manage to shape my body through exercise I could eliminate the need for further humiliation in the dressing room. But then again if I looked really good I would lose some of my writing material....hummm quite a quandry? What is a girl to do? I just don't know I will have another cup of coffee and think it over. I will let you know what I decided on next time...until then Yabba Dabba Dooooo!

Moments of Motherhood!!

So I finally get to leave for Florida in only ten days and I can't wait! I am in dire need of a vacation as the end of the school year for the boys is always crazy busy. They have concerts, award banquets and exams and since I have managed to raise two of the most helpless individuals on the planet this means that my plate is quite full. I seriously do not see how either of them will ever manage to exist unless they intend to live with me for the rest of their natural born lives. Just this morning Peyton asked me what I did with the new socks that we purchased just last weekend. He says "hey Mom what did you do with all my new socks I haven't been able to find them since I wore them last week" to which I responded "Peyton I washed the socks sorted the socks and put the socks in your dresser." "No you didn't, I looked and they aren't in there" he says. When I go into his room and look into his dresser lo and behold what do I see?.....well new socks of course. I turn and give him my best Mommy is ticked face and he responds with "well no wonder I couldn't find them you put them in a different drawer!" OMG how dare I put the socks in a different drawer I mean what was I thinking that you would have the good sense or even the energy required to open a different drawer on your dresser my expectations are just way to high. I mean what kind of horrible mother am I thinking that you should have to locate you own socks in your own dresser. You should probably contact children's services. I should point out here that Peyton is not on my good list and this has nothing to do with just the sock incident. I should explain on Saturday (which was a lazy day) I went all out and cooked frozen pizza for an early dinner. Well when the pizza came out of the oven Peyton came flying into the kitchen and grabbed the pizza cutter and I told him to leave it be and let me slice it because I was afraid he would get burned. Of course he argued that he was old enough and smart enough to slice a stupid pizza so I obliged and allowed him to do it. Of course less than thirty seconds later Peyton is yelling and crying from the kitchen I return to find him holding his fingers as tears are rolling down his cheeks. Yep he burnt his finger....it was definitely and I told you so moment but of course I knew better than to say that at the time. So I kick into Mommy kiss it make it better mode grab the aloe grab the neosporin and bandages and do my mommy duty. After he is calmed down and dressed for the party he is going to I take him and drop him off. It is a sleep over party he is attending so I don't have to pick him up until Sunday. I wake up on Sunday and begin calling his phone repeatedly to no avail. Finally at around eleven thirty my phone rings and Peyton says I need to get over and pick him up right away everyone is leaving the party. He says this in a way that let's me know that once again today I will not be nominated for Mommy of the year. I get to the house and pick him up I of course stay in my vehicle because I am suffering from a severe case of Sunday morning bad hair and I don't want to humiliate my son in front of the other mothers and friends. I fail at this anyway since the hostess mommy decides to come out to my vehicle for a chat. This is just fabulous since I am not only sporting scary Sunday morning hair but I have decided to opt for no bra! How wonderful now she will not only know but will have been witness to my erectile dysfunction of my hoo ha's. They are perpetually in a state of attention. I have no idea why they are they just are. Of course Tony says it is from living with him all these years that I am in a constant state of amore and desire for him!!! The hostess mommy ask me how entertaining it is living with him. She informs me that Peyton kept them in stitches all night with his stories and then just gives me a wicked smile? This leaves me perplexed and wondering what stories Peyton has opted to share with these people. Considering the state of my hoo ha's and my hair I decide it is best not to ask what he has told them. I simply can not bare anymore humiliation this is a moment where ignorance is definitely bliss. I inform hostess mommy that I really need to get going to avoid hearing what family secrets he has revealed. When I eventually make my escape with Peyton he launches into a tirade about how the bandaged I had applied to his finger the night before had caused him some great suffering because sometime during the party his finger got wet. Which caused his finger to start hurting quite bad and when he removed the bandage he found that his finger was all wrinkled up. He says this caused him to think of something that he had been meaning to ask me. Oh noooo...I know the next comment out of his mouth is not going to do anything to serve my self esteem. Peyton says "wrinkly skin really hurts and I was wondering if all of those wrinkles on your face hurt real bad?".....These are the moments when I really want to slap my own mother..why didn't she warn me? Why didn't she tell me about how ugly motherhood could be? Why didn't she let me know how cruel and oblivious children can be? After doing several deep breathing exercises I can finally respond to let him know that no ALL of the wrinkles on my face don't hurt at all. I don't mention it is not the wrinkles that hurt it is only when someone points out their existence that it hurts. Okay I'll admit it sometimes hurts when I look in the mirror as well. Well enough of my whining for now onto happier topics. As I mentioned earlier the kids have been really busy with school things since the year is winding down. Last Tuesday evening Drake has his last choir concert for the year. He was really excited about this particular concert since he was going to be playing his acoustic guitar for one of the numbers. He told me he would be sitting on the stage playing guitar with the rest of the men's choir standing around him and singing. He said he was really nervous and excited at the same time. He said I was going to love it because he had a special surprise for me after the performance. Once at the concert after watching the other choirs I finally see the men's choir and Drake is on the stage and when I see him up there my heart swells watching him and of course I start crying seeing him on stage doing what he loves. As they finish their song as I am wiping my eyes the men's choir on the stage goes into some sort of football like huddle and Henry one of Drake's close friends in the choir starts saying "man I need to find me another Caroline fellas"..they all start saying go get her I know she is out there...when Henry leaps from the stage and begins going through the audience and all of the guys on stage are saying no Henry over there...he keeps looking and then I realize what my surprise is!! OMG Henry comes right up to me in the audience pulls me from my chair and leads me to the stage sits me on a stool and the entire Logan Elm Men's Choir begins serenading me Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline. These boys are running their fingers through my hair grabbing my hands singing to me on bended knee as the song is getting ready to end all of them hand me red roses. At this point I am feeling as though I am going to faint right there on stage in front of everyone. Once the torture is finally over and I am escorted back to my seat with an armful of roses and my face now the same crimson color as my hair I can actually breathe. When the concert ends and the lights in the auditorium come on people are laughing and making comments to me about like "see ya Caroline"" don't forget to put the rose in water Caroline" mostly funny comments all in jest. Except for one mother who apparently was irritated that I was selected for this little number because she stands up from her seat walks right over to me and says "your name isn't even Caroline is it huh?" and turns around and walks off. Okey dokey I guess she wanted to be the one humiliated and dragged upon the stage so sorry. I ask Peyton to go find Drake so that we can get out of here before I have to hear anymore comments about tonight's performance and I don't much feel like walking through the crowd of people since I am acutely aware that everyone knows who I am at this point. Granted I am sure most of them think my name is really Caroline I don't want anymore attention this evening. Peyton finally makes his way back to me with Drake following closely behind and Peyton doesn't look all too happy. When they get to where I am seated Peyton looks over to Drake and tells him that he needs to beat the crap out of Ian because Ian told Peyton that his mom had a nice rack!!! This started another argument because Drake thought this comment was funny and Peyton thought is was rude and that Drake should defend his mother's honor and beat him up. I told them both to drop it and let's just please leave now!! I most certainly didn't need a school brawl to draw any more attention to myself or my family at this point. I would like to tell you that I regretted the evening but I didn't at all. It was well worth a little embarrassment to see Drake on that stage playing his guitar and singing. And as a bonus I know it created a memory that Drake will never forget so it was all worth it. Then on the other hand I hope Drake does make it really big in the music industry so I can afford to pay for the therapy for Peyton as I am sure it will take some pretty intensive therapy to help him recover from having his wrinkly faced mother and her big boobs taken to the stage and spotlighted for the entire school to see. Witnessing Drake up there on the stage doing what he loved prompted me to spend this past weekend getting my book ready for submission to agents. I figured I better set a good example about following your dreams if I expect him to follow is own. So hopefully by weeks end I will have it sent off to a few agencies and will be ready for the rejections to role in. But I know eventually it will get to the right person at the right time and then I will be able to say that I am a published author!!

Woo Hoo Fishing Weekend!!

So I am acutely aware that it has been way too long since my last blog. So allow me to begin with saying thank you too all of those who keep asking me when I am going to write again your love and support are awesome.!! Now I do have several very well grounded excuses for my lack of sharing lately. I have taken on a new hobby which I have discovered is now consuming most of my time and energy. I have even let my crops wither on Farmville in my pursuit of my new hobby...thank you Mary for using your unwithering powers to save my butt! Yet I can say this is not my fault I total want to blame the network NBC (no not for the whole Conan O'Brion / Jay Leno Thing) but because of that new show "Who Do you Think You Are?" This show prompted my brothers Trent Brent and I to start researching our genealogy. OMG I think perhaps I might have a slightly addictive or compulsive personality. You see it all started off simple enough I got Brent to pay for the membership to Ancestors.com. Of course he had to pay for it I don't have a job! We were going to play around a little see what we could find. I suppose a person with a slightly addictive personality, too much time on her hands as well as an avid lover of puzzles should not have gotten involved in this. Especially being from the family I am from anyone who knows this family knows this is going to be one GIANT puzzle. To tell you this has been interesting would be putting it mildly. The computer search has turned into what I have been told is graving? So you don't know about graving well it is visiting cemetery's doing research and documenting the headstones of all of my dead relatives. The next step in my latest addiction was to visit our local genealogical library in Circleville. Holy crap this place is awesome!! You well maybe not you...but definitely me can dig up soooooo much dirt on the family. On my very first visit to the library I find out Grandpa was arrested during prohibition for bootlegging and possession of alcohol. Ironically this is the very first official record that I obtain a copy of. Not a birth certificate, not a marriage license not even a cool photo, newspaper article or death certificate. The very first surname in my tree in the surname index is a criminal record!! Go figure? The second item on the list says it is a Justice of the Peach record. I think cool perhaps Grandma and Grandpa got married at the court house. Really from the stories I had heard I knew there was probably not a huge church wedding or anything. When I turn to the page record that the index instructed do I find a nice normal marriage record??? Oh hell no..instead I find out while Grandpa was busy getting arrested for possession of alcohol and carrying concealed weapons Grandma was being taken to court repeatedly by the local grocer for charging groceries and then not paying for them. Well I suppose considering the court fines that were being racked up by good ole Gramps she didn't have the money to buy them. So we will blame the man here...don't you think we should? Isn't everything bad on earth a mans fault? Oh don't be like those who blame it on Eve...I am convinced it all falls back on Adam. I mean if a man didn't lose his mind every time he sees a nice pair of ta ta's we wouldn't be in the mess we are in. Plus I find it really hard to believe that any woman ever got a man to do something he didn't want to do in the first place. And another point is so the very first man on earth not only listened too but actually respected Eve's opinion and then followed through with her ideas??? Really??? So then it was just every other man ever born after that that is different? I get it??? Yep...here I go again getting off track. but you have to admit it is really fun reading the ramblings of a person with A.D.D. Well anyway so this first line in the family tree even though it appeared it was going to be really bad actually seem to get a little better the further we go back in the records. I mean this is good right? Not really if you think about it. Because I discovered that instead of like most families that tend to marry up and gain more wealth and status with each passing generation I seem to come from a rare line of people who marry down get poorer more in debt and gain a a reputation instead of status.I have spent so much time on the computer at various library's and cemetery's my husband and children now ask before leaving for work and school if I am going to go hang out with the dead. In fact one night last week when my brother Brent and I were out doing research causing me to not get home until after ten o'clock I was reprimanded by my twelve year old son Peyton. Who upon my arrival informed me that he thought that I had become obsessed with all this gynecology stuff (his word not mine) and that I was spending more time with my dead relatives than with my living ones. To which I responded of course I do first of all they don't talk back to me and second of all I think they actually listen more than the males in my house do. So me being an awful lot like my mother the more they complain about my new hobby the more time I devote to doing it. Now so far I found war hero's, bootlegger, bastards even one who is bastard from her mother...yeah I know seriously? Who on earth unless you are adopted doesn't know who your mother is. Unknown mother on your birth certificate and still an unknown mother on your marriage record and unknown mother on your death certificate. I mean how does that even happen. Come one you give birth and even if you die while doing that (which death is exactly what I was praying for while giving birth to my own) Couldn't the doctor or the coroner or the undertaker, or funeral director ask perhaps the man claiming to be the father what this lady's name is? This would be a question I think most people would ask. Then there is one ax murderer (not a direct ancestor just the brother of one) Shut Up I have to sleep at night. So now when I use my famous line when having a particularly bad day that I may have been an ax murderer in a previous life I will know it wasn't me just a great great great great great uncle that was the ax murdered. He was a seaman who came home from many long months at sea to find his lovely bride doing more than spooning with a young stud. So he grabbed his ax and then put them in the wood chipper. Personally I think I understand where he was coming from. I have already warned Tony that if I were to ever catch him dipping his paint stick in someone else's paint can I would pull a Bobbit on him. Laurena Bobbit is really one of my personal hero's. Finally the women to actually do what I know women for centuries have dreamed about. Then there is another great grandmother of mine that I have parents for a birth record and death record the only problem is I can't find her buried anywhere. She isn't buried with her children...she isn't buried with her husband....she isn't buried with her parents or siblings. She isn't it the family plot of her line she isn't it any of the surrounding counties. I am starting to wonder if perhaps granny is buried somewhere in Millport it has even crossed my mind that I may have played a nice game of kickball on a hot summer day right on top of grandma's unmarked grave. Heck the stuff I am finding out or not finding out nothing would shock me. And my families line of work for the last few generations did have access to a lot of heavy equipment including backhoes? Well folks I have a lot more to say on this and many other stories to share but my eyelids are getting heavy my fingers are slowing down and besides that Tony is in Lake Cumberland fishing and I can actually have complete control of the remotes. Please don't worry though I did have Tony give me a crash training course on how to use each remote I even used post it notes on each one to know what the heck I was doing. I should be able to blog a little more tomorrow though since Tony is fishing, Drake has plans the rest of the weekend. If I can just find someone to take Peyton and my two idiot dogs I will have it made. Now I really have to go...but i will be back soon! Hope you all have a great weekend!

Yes I am really blogging!!

Yep so it has been a while I know. My only excuse is I have been busy being a little social butterfly and a woman of the world. LOL. Well perhaps I am being a little arrogant here but I finally made it to New York and Broadway and am feeling quite worldly. HAHA!! For me to even begin to cover my trip to NYC it will probably take at least a few blogs to share it all with all of you. To say that I made the most of my time in NYC puts it mildly. Really what could you expect a housewife from Pickaway County Ohio and hand her four days in NYC what do you think is going to happen? I suppose I should start with my sleeping arrangements. So in my previous blogs I mentioned my concern over my "spooning" issue. Well as it turned out I lucked out as there was an odd number of adults on the trip and there were only two other women in my room. I decided honesty was the best policy and was upfront about my "spooning" issue. Once the Art teacher told us who our room mates would be. I approached the two ladies who I would be sleeping with of my condition. Thankfully the two of them were already close friends anyway so I laid it all out there for them. That if either of them chose to share a bed with me just be prepared to wake in the morning with me attached to their front or backside depending on their own sleeping habits. This approach seemed to work because for the remainder of the trip I had a bed all to myself. Although they did choose to tell all the other parents and teachers on the trip of my confession making a running joke with all the adults on the trip. At least it was all out in the open rather than not confessing and having them awake feeling awkward and talking to the other folks behind my back. Besides I am forty one years old now and I gave up being prideful a long long time ago. Heck once you have given birth in a room full of people, taking a tumble in front of you son's entire football team and all of their parents and had your bra give way under all the pressure at your desk at work in front of all your coworkers you sort of decide to just throw in the towel. These little gems are just to mention a few of my more embarrassing moments, of course there are countless others. Granted my trip to the big city was not first class accommodations being that it was a trip with the Logan Elm High School art club but, my Momma taught me to be resourceful if nothing else. So when Drake ask about helping chaperon the trip I figured until I get my book sold and Matt Lauer from the today show is calling me to set up my interview this was probably my only shot of getting there. Since it wasn't a first class trip to NYC I had to get on a charter bus at eleven thirty at night from the school with twenty five high school students and travel all night by bus then freshen up on the bus and begin touring at ten a.m. I will try to attach pictures as I go to document my trip with photos as well as the stories. Don't get your hopes up to high though I am kind of computer illiterate. When we arrived in NYC we picked up our tour guide Franc in Hell's Kitchen. No I didn't see Gordon Ramsey (the violently mean dude from the cooking show) granted I wanted to. When we finally stepped off of the bus from hell after nearly half a days or should I say nights journey. It is a miracle that I didn't get whiplash. Not from the bus ride but when I stepped off the bus onto the New York City streets my head was nearly spinning trying to take in all of the sights and sounds. I was nearly spinning in circles tyring to look at all of the buildings, street signs and things I had only seen on television. After touring for a bit we headed to Grand Central Station to have lunch. Thank God the art teacher in charge of the trip was a laid back guy who let us do our own thing most of the time because once we got to each location for touring we were sort of left on our own to tour and told to be back at the bus at a certain time. Like I said thank God this was the case since it seems as if my arrival in the big city manifested some sort of adult onset ADHD and I often found myself separated from my group at nearly ever location. I would be talking and looking around mesmerized only to realize that I was talking to myself when I would look back everyone in my group would be gone. Oh don't feel bad for me I loved it this meant I got to explore on this trip on my own and take nearly four hundred pictures without anyone rushing me along. After the Grand Central lunch and photo ops we headed off for the art part of the trip. We visited the Whitney Museum then off to MOMA the Museum of Modern Art. I would love to tell you my short time in NYC had enlightened me but after hitting the sixth floor of MOMA I realized perhaps I wasn't quite as enlightened and worldly as I thought. OMG I get up to the sixth floor and read the large sign about it being a live art exhibit with nudity. The teacher had warned us about the nudity but I thought "hey it's art so it can't be embarrassing right? Oh how very very wrong I was. I go into the first room of the "live art" exhibit and see several nude photos hanging that were definitely not old renaissance type nudity. There was a woman in a Crucifixion type position with a banana seat bicycle between her legs. I have been here about twenty seconds and my eyes are burning already. A large crowd in the far corner then grabbed my attention so I venture over to see what is going on. It appears that line is forming so I figure I will just get in line to see where it leads. As I begin to make my way through the line I see two live naked people. One man and one woman standing less than a foot apart face to face and this line is for people to walk through the middle of them. Really? I have been standing in this stupid line so that I can try to squeeze myself between two completely naked strangers? Wouldn't my husband be proud. This is when I recognize my son Drake is several people ahead of me so I turn around and bury my head in the museum brochure to avoid being spotted or God forbid having to make eye contact with my 15 year old hormonal son. I am thinking OMG if he walks through these two naked "artist" I am going to faint right here in the middle of MOMA I have been in NYC for less than five hours and I am going to faint. As I am standing in line hiding behind my brochure and a large man in front of me Drake is about three people away from taking the naked passage to the next exhibit when God answers my prayer and my little angel veers right and takes the normal route to the next room avoiding the naked people completely. When I step out of line to follow Drake being grateful that he has found a way for me to see the rest of the exhibit without me having to put my body parts against total strangers naked parts I am overjoyed. At this point I am acutely aware that I must be blushing to the point that my face color is probably very close to the color of my hair. Which by the way is still a much deeper red than the bottle from Target indicated. Once I make my way to the next room I do a quick scan to make sure there are no more naked people in this part of the exhibit. Whew....not live naked people YAY for me. Feeling slightly better that I don't have to look at anymore "live art" I begin to peruse the screens hanging on the walls. I walk up to the first screen and a video pops up of a beautiful wheat field and blue sky good finally some real art even if it is a video the camera seems to be scanning the entire field and beautiful sky and suddenly zooms in on a figure in the field OMG you have got to be kidding me!! There is a naked guy humping a wheat field when I rapidly try to avert me eyes and turn myself away from what I can only call pornography I am faced with an even bigger screen this time with a large breasted naked woman sitting in a chair playing with ta ta's bouncing them up and down and smooshing them together feeling the heat in my face rising to near boiling level I decide it perhaps need to vacate the sixth floor and go view more traditional art. I am not shocked at the sight of a real life penis as you all know from my previous blogs I see anywhere from three to five a day depending on how many baths my family takes and if my two dogs are having one of their friskier days. It is the fact that people actually call this art that freaks my mind. As I finally make my way down to the first floor and I see a large group of people surrounding another exhibit. I decide to go find out what art is pulling such a large crowd. I knew it was safe because I ask one of the museum employees if there were anymore naked people or porn tapes on any other floor besides the sixth floor. He said all live nude art was the sixth floor only. As I was making my way through the crowd to see what fascinating art had captured every one's attention. I see some folks have even sat down on the floor to watch the art. I look to see one woman dressed in a red colonial style dress and a man sitting at a table not moving a muscle? Okey dokey? What the hell either I have lost my mind or I have entered some sort of other dimension I felt like I was in the movie Clockwork Orange. Granted I did stand there at the exhibit not to watch the exhibit but to watch the people watching the exhibit. I came to the conclusion that the people sitting and watching this for nearly an hour were crazier than the people in the exhibit themselves. I watched them stare mesmerized by a woman in a chair sitting across from a man in a chair with a table in between and this is art??? I know that I am not what anyone would call a highly cultured lady, but come on...really? If you are going to take naked people and put them on display and call it art you could at least Vajazzle the girls hoo ha's like Tara had mentioned in one of her blogs. And perhaps paint the willie's of the guys or put a sock puppet on it or something for crying out loud. After having all I could take of the art world for the day. I left the building and did some shopping since I had nearly an hour and half to kill before we had to meet back at the bus. Another blessing when I ran into Drake and his friends at H&M who also had left MOMA to shop as well. I will say that it did help me to feel quite proud that my teenage son opted even before I did to leave the museum. I guess I haven't done too awful bad raising him after all. Once back on the bus where it seemed that everyone was wearing there sunglasses and not saying much I decided to break the ice and ask how everyone enjoyed the naked people this got everyone to laughing and kept us all from feeling like a bunch of perverts for the rest of the trip. I mean really even though I may spoon a random stranger if he or she climbs in my bed. I can guarantee you that I will not be doing it naked. I won't even spoon my hubby totally naked. I am not one for even sleeping naked. Really what if there were any emergency in the middle of the night. Like say a house fire. I don't want to be standing in my front yard in the buff when the fire trucks roll up. Or worse yet what about an intruder. I really don't want to be defending myself against a lunatic in my birthday suit. Plus I would probably get the giggles because I get the giggles just thinking about it. How funny would that look trying to fight off an attacker nude. Parts would be flying and considering my bra size I would probably do more damage to myself than the intruder would. Anyway I have always heard that travel to large cities and art will really open one's eyes. I have to say I disagree as my experience at MOMA seemed to have my eyes closed more often than not. Off to the Chinese restaurant for dinner then onto the Empire State Building at dark. Where I once again got separated from my group and got to experience the two hour line and the view all on my own. Don't worry I managed to make friends while in line. I met a woman from Hungary and her husband from Germany who were visiting as there daughter was performing the following night at Carnegie Hall with a school group. After the Empire State Building and a quick stop at Starbucks....which happen to be on every other corner in NYC which is really a glimpse of heaven as far as I am concerned. We made our way to the bus and back to Jersey and the hotel for the night. See I told you it wasn't first class accommodations we didn't even get to sleep in the city that never sleeps. Instead we sleep at the airport Sheraton in Jersey. But hey I am not complaining at least the naked part of the trip was over and I had an actual bed to sleep in instead of on the bus. Will try to cover day two later today or tomorrow and believe me it just gets more and more interesting. There is still my performance of "I Will Survive" at the Italian restaurant as well as window dancing and black market shopping in China Town with several students. LOL