PMS Walmart and Policeman Don't Mix

You know you have all had those days when before the sun even began to set you knew you should have just stayed tucked in your bed. Since you are already aware of my random cycles and never knowing when the painters are coming. Well woo hoo for me they decide to show up today right in the middle of walmart. Although it does explain my wild mood swings these last few days even with this I still don't find it all that convenient. So here I am in the middle of the cosmetics aisle trying to figure out if my next twenty to forty dollar purchase of anti aging cream will be the one to actually work and here are my painter friends. I truly feel they were intending on painting a large six thousand square foot home by the severe and sudden bloating and cramps. Needing to speed up my decision for the miracle winkle remover and rush to the front of the store. I do this only to find that out of the 26 different checkouts in Walmart the manager thought opening only three of them was a good idea. When I try to figure out which aisle will be the lesser evil of the three. I opt for the one with only one screaming child but his mom has two carts. I am perplexed by her purchase seeing that she has basically purchased all of her groceries and her screaming child's Christmas in one stop. So as I am standing there praying to God not to let suffer public humiliation before I can get out with my wrinkle repair (term used lightly, I will let you know if it actually works) I am trying to analyze how she explains all of the toys to her child without letting him know it is his Christmas gifts? Then after a few more moments I personally think the child should be put on the naughty list and get a bag of coal. When I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel for Miss Santa's purchases the cashier has some sort of idiot attack and can't figure out the code to weigh Miss Santa's granny smith apple purchase. While the cashier is fumbling with his little fruit and veggie three ring binder I discover Miss Santa has two other kids who have been randomly wondering about the store alone. They start harping on Miss Santa asking how much longer? Are we going to McDonald's? What is taking so long? Then the genius cashier has to call produce about the stupid granny smith apples and I am ready to snap. If this were to occur in my current state I would likely be the lead story on the six o'clock news tonight. When I finally have had enough and am ready to tell Miss Santa that I will pay her fifteen dollars to forget the apples and give her children money to begin the walk across the highway to McDonald's if she would kindly get the #$&% out of my way. This is when I make eye contact and realize this one is even more hormonal than I am and she has be by a good fifty pounds. I decide it would be best for my physical safety to keep my mouth shut. Plus I don't want to be the next YouTube hit found by searching "Woman gets smacked around Walmart."When I finally get my turn at the cashier I feel the painters have decided to apply the first coat. Just fabulous, since today I didn't even go to my local Walmart no, God decided to get his funny on today and I drove twenty miles north to the Walmart with the Starbucks next to it in hopes of getting a Grande Mocha Frappacino on my way home. So either God was trying to prevent me from consuming 465 calories of drinkable deliciousness or I didn't deserve it. (I prefer to think he was just watching out for my BMI and weight) I am one half mile from making the turn onto my road as the painters are now applying I believe their third coat being highly focused and determined to get home and inside before I destroy my tan leather seats of my car I don't even notice the State Highway Patrol coming the other way. As I make it home and leap out of my car to make a run for the bathroom when the State Boy in his bubble gum machine pulls into my driveway. As I am making a break for the front door he explains I need to put my grocery bag on the ground and give him my license and registration. I get back in my vehicle and grab the registration and my ID from my wallet and hand it to him. I don't even ask why he is in my drive. Little trooper boy obviously wasn't having a good day either because, when he hopped out of his cruiser he immediately informed me that he would be issuing a citation for speeding. And let's just say he wasn't very nice! So as I am making my way to the front door little trooper boy uses the public address system on his cruiser to say "Maam do not go in the house, you will remain outside until I say so." OMG he did not really just order me to stand outside in the freezing cold while the painters are working overtime. Okay this is where I lose my cool I may have been intimidated by Miss Clause at Walmart but trooper boy here has messed with the wrong hormonal housewife today. This is when I use my own PA system known as my voice to tell him he will have to handcuff or arrest me to stop me from getting inside. Now the trooper boy is getting out of his vehicle and telling me to remove my key from the door and get back to my vehicle. I really lose it and tell him to try and stop me and that he nor his little mayberry badge intimidate me and that if he wants to arrest me for entering my own home that is fine but he will arrest me pants down from my toilet! Now I suggest to him he get back in his car and issue whatever citation he is going to issue and he can bring it to me when he does all his work of completely ruining my day. When little trooper boy walks back up to my door to give me my citation for speeding he has the audacity to tell me to have a nice day. To which I respond that I will as soon as his ignorant arrogant face (okay so maybe I didn't use the word face) is off my property and slam my door in his face. Now Tony keeps coming out here as I am typing tonight and I have to keep minimizing the screen. See I haven't yet told him about my little encounter with the law today yet. Don't you dare criticize me I have to play nice tonight I have a haircut scheduled for tomorrow and I need money. I mean it is really for his own good that he is unaware of this until after the haircut why hit him with a double whammy on a Thursday night. Plus tomorrow is payday he is always in a better mood on payday. I also personally think I will get a better reaction if I give him the news with a cute new do. Plus I need something to distract him from the bloat that has me looking like I am in my second trimester.