Three penis five fart minimum (at my house)

I finally figured out why my family feels it is okay to use a paper clip to unlock my bedroom door then use it again to unlock my bathroom door to come in a visit me while I am trying to take a bath. (or other stuff but we aren't going to discuss that, my mom does enough of that for the entire family) I am not looking for sympathy here I mean it used to be a five penis minimum before we got our two male dogs Buster and Boswell fixed. There is zero modesty when it comes to my family. I think everyone (besides me) is very proud of their man business. As for me there is not a lot about my body that I want to go parading around in broad daylight. The only part I really still like is my lower leg. I love my body from my knees to my ankles that part is still perfect. Okay so not exactly perfect I do get the occasional muscle cramp that sends me bolting up in the middle of the night and hopping around my bedroom like I am on some kind of illegal substance. But at least they still look good. Not the rest of my family though, I swear if I don't get a full view of at least three penis' per day I feel like something is tragically wrong. Not one of the three show even the smallest decorum of modesty. I don't understand this thinking. Why do all of them feel it is okay to walk through my home in search of items like, a towel, shampoo, deodorant, nail clippers and Listerine completely nude? I mean even when I had a cute perky sixteen year old cheerleader body I never considered walking completely across my mom's house in the buff. To me being naked feels sort of like when you get in your car and forget to buckle up and then you realize you didn't buckle up and you feel very vulnerable and doomed to injury. I am not sure if I am being irrational but when I exit a bath or shower the first thing I want to do is get some clothes on. Seriously if there were a clothing item I could wear in the shower or bath that would allow me to get clean while wearing it I would. I always fear that I will slip in the tub and injure myself severely and the paramedics would have to come to save me while I am completely naked. I have even told Tony and the boys if I am ever injured naked if they don't have the ability to dress me prior to calling 911 they are to leave me to die. I couldn't imagine ever leaving my home again if a few of the folks from our local volunteer fire department ever seen me in all my glory. I would not be able to attend concert and sporting events at my children's school. I wouldn't be able to grocery shop at our local Kroger or Walmart I would have to become a shut in. Granted I might lose weight since I am still on dial up with a desk top and it would be nearly impossible to do my grocery shipping on line. Another benefit of living in a male dominated home is the males' uninhibited right to pass gas no matter who is present or where they are. If men are the superior species why do they find farting to be some sort of comic genius? We have actually had entire discussions during dinner on "the farting subject". They will brag about how they let it fly in class or Tony will mention how he got one over on the site superintendent. They act as though farting is some sort of God given gift and they are better at it than others? I mean even if I could pass wind better than anyone I know I wouldn't go around bragging about it. I can't wrap my brain around how God intended man and woman to coexist and yet we are total opposites. Where I as a woman find nudity and bodily functions to be a rather private matter that I try to keep to myself. My darling little male family thinks the world (especially me) wants to see it, hear it, and smell it? They don't even care where they are when they do it. A couple of years ago I convinced Tony to expand his horizons a bit and talked him into taking me to the Columbus Museum of Art. Tony's idea of culture is a sporting event or action movie. While walking through the art museum I am in awe of all of the beautiful work and talent I am seeing, when suddenly I am hit in the face with a smell so pungent my eyes began watering. Now Tony is just a couple of feet ahead of me and the serious looking museum employee is seated in the corner making sure we don't touch any of the priceless art on the walls. Tony sees the look on my face and realizes I have discovered his silent but deadly poison. This smell is so toxic that I fear the paint on the art work is going to start running down the paintings and onto the floor. I wonder if the museum can sue us for damages to all of this artwork. This is when Tony walks up to me grinning and says "hey admit it, you could paint that one green and call it art." OMG this is who I married? This was the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with? According to my twenty something (at the time) brain I thought he was the pick of the litter? Don't get me wrong I love him dearly and I still get all tinglely when he comes home and he is still the best looking guy in any room I am ever in. Now I realize why men love sporting events so much. It is so much noise and fanfare they can let it fly without feeling even remotely inhibited. Then with the stadium or arena filled with other male species they can high five each other on what a good one it was. I have even tried to convince Tony that passing wind might be the reason for all of his sinus problems. I truly believe that perhaps passing so much wind and being in the construction industry around other men doing the same I think the toxicity of all that gas has eaten away at his sinus cavity. The last time I ever passed wind in public I was around nine or ten years old. It is a humiliation that I suffer to this day. I was with one of my best girlfriends Michelle. I went to Michelle's house to spend the night and I was standing in her dining room talking to her parents when I leaned back on a banquet one just slipped right out. Right there in front of everyone even being a child at the time I prayed for a hole to open up in the floor and swallow me up. Thankfully Michelle's mother and father had a great sense of humor and played it off. Though I can't remember exactly what her dad said since I think I may have blacked out temporarily from the rush of blood to my head caused by my own humiliation. So as for today I still have two penis sightings left Drake's already made his appearance this morning while getting ready for school when he came out to hand me a shirt that required ironing. I guess the five fart minimum is being saved up for tonight when they all get home. I just hope they pass it prior to attending Peyton's Christmas concert at the school. I am always afraid that if Tony does it in public and someone gets a whiff they will assume it is the chubby redhead not the good looking guy with the twenty nine inch waistline. I wonder what my family would do if I began displaying a complete lack of modesty. Perhaps they could come in a find me cooking in the buff they would realize how inappropriate it is. Don't worry it will never happen there is not enough alcohol in the world to get me to actually do it. Plus cooking naked would probably be quite dangerous without all the undergarments to hold various body parts where God intended them to be. By the way my new do is smashing. Would love to share a pic but my desktop dial up computer is not cooperating in uploading to facebook. Maybe Santa will bring me a new lap top and wireless internet card for Christmas. I think any woman who lives in a houseful of men deserves something quite lovely and expensive at Christmas. Don't you?