Insanity

I think 2016 is proof that evolution of mankind has hit a big bump in the road. I thought the longer our species inhabited this big blue ball called earth we become wiser kinder more enlightened and just better all around. Instead it seems that mankind has hit a huge pot hole or a big hill we can’t get over. The world seems to be getting more bitter more divided and closer to our own demise. To be honest it really scares me. It makes me want to act like and ostrich and stick my head in the sand. I don’t want’ to turn on my television or open my social media apps for fear of what I will see next. I see so much hatred and division in our world and I can’t seem to wrap my head around it. We have coexisted on this planet for a really long time I can’t say how long because depending on your own beliefs I risk offending some. I certainly don’t want to start another debate on another subject. 

There is so much anger, hate, judgement and bitterness and I see it destroying all of us. I feel like we literally use anything we can find to spark another controversy or debate. Ironically I just seen a story that a picture of Victoria Beckham kissing her child has gone viral and is sparking a debate if it is okay to kiss your child? Are you freaking serious? According to news sources Ms. Beckham posted a photo on her Instagram and it went viral. Now we have kissing parents vs. non kissing parents. Really? Really? Is this necessary do we truly need one more subject to take sides on. Have we reached a point where we have to defend our right to kiss or not kiss our children. If I kiss my child in public will there be a protest will someone call the police. Can we call the police? What if there are black people nearby? Don’t cops hate black people? Black people hate cops right? What if some of the cops are democrats? The republicans hate them? What if there is a republican nearby? Won’t that republican attack me for kissing my child? Wouldn’t that republican scream at me that I am making my child gay? Republicans hate gays? What if a Muslim was driving by and seen me kiss my child? OMG are they going to have me stoned in the town square? I mean they already hate me simply  for being a Christian? I hate them because they are terrorist? There wouldn’t so many Muslim terrorist if the damn Liberals would crack down on immigration? Those democrats just letting everyone and anyone come to our country taking our American jobs from us? Wait they aren't taking our jobs they all come here get on government assistance and milk the system don’t they? Perhaps I would luck out and a gay person would be there. They would support me kissing my child they are all pedophiles aren’t they? I read that they are on the internet. Perhaps my overt affection for my child will make them gay? The gay community would love that it helps their recruitment process doesn't it? If only I had a concealed carry permit I could pull out my AR15 and fire a warning shot to disperse the growing crowd? That would’t work I would draw attention. There could be a vegan nearby. If the Vegan  takes cover near my car they will see the McDonald’s bag in my car. He will attack me for being a meat eater? The vegan screaming about my food choices would cause the Mommy Police to spot the box of Cheez Its and accuse me of child abuse for not buying organic brussel sprouts because they taste just as good as Cheez its? The environmentalist would be screaming at the mommy police for noticing the cheez its and not noticing they are in a big gas guzzling SUV or the bulk non recycled paper towels in the back of it? The republicans might step in and support me because I had a child instead of an abortion? The democrats might step in to support me because I didn’t have a concealed carry to protect myself. The gays would then turn on me because they realized I am straight wouldn’t they? The Muslims would want me dead for kissing in public and dressing like a whore? Half of the Christians would begin a prayer circle for my soul the other half would be making signs that all gays are an abomination and are doomed to hell? Now the transgendered are screaming at me because they see my son playing with a Tonka truck.They want to know why I didn't buy him a Barbie doll? When I try to explain that he wanted  it they say it’s because society and I have brainwashed him into thinking he wanted it? The health nuts would be attacking me for being overweight. The feminist would be defending me with signs that a woman is more than a size or weight? The feminist could argue with the health nuts that instead of worrying about my size they should be asking why I don’t get equal pay as the man does? I don’t even have a job! When the republicans hear this they scream at me for living off the system. When I explain that my husband works and I don’t live off the system. The blacks turn on me for having white privilege. The democrats turn on me assuming I am a republican. The gays turn on me for being straight. The health nuts turn on me for being fat. The feminist turn on me for depending on a man. The environmentalist shame me for driving an SUV. The Mommy police for poisoning my child with junk food. The Christians and Muslims turn on me for loving my gay brothers. The republicans turn on me for not owning a gun. Before I know the entire crowd has turned on me for one reason or another. Except for this one guy he has been walking through the parking lot during the whole adventure staring at his phone he has no idea whats going on. He is hunting Pokemon. Which of course upsets the Japanese anime folks! And this my friends is the world today!  

She was so Fat!...... How Fat Was She?

She was so fat!....How fat was she?

She was so fat she could pull in more prize money than the Champion Heffer at the local county fair! Now don't start getting all out of shape thinking that I am bashing size challenged people. The she I am referring to is me!!

Okay perhaps I should back up a little but according to my Diva Sister my butt may make that annoying beep beep beep sound if I back up like those giant wide load trucks. Alright I will get back on track, let me start from the beginning. I don't mean the beginning as if from birth but, I should point out that I was a large baby. I was born nine pounds twelve and one half ounces. My mother always feels compelled to add that one half ounce. Sometimes she even likes to follow up the additional one half ounce statement by adding that I alone was nearly the combined weight of my twin brothers born 6 years prior to me. So in all fairness I started off way ahead of the curve in the weight department. So I was behind the eight ball to start with combined with the facts that I am forty four years old and I have three children I haven't felt too bad about my weight lately. I am a totally respectable size 10 through 14! Why you ask such a large range of sizes? Well there are many factors that play into which size I am from week to week or even day to day. Factors like: Make and or model of pants, number of Zumba moves I snuck in while sweeping, folding laundry, doing dishes and crawling around under beds looking for dirty socks and wet towels. (The towels are another subject I have teenage boys!) ICK!
How many little Debbie cakes my family drove me to sneak eat in the laundry room. And many other factors to lengthy to mention.

So I woke up yesterday in a fairly good mood for a 40 something hormonal stay at home mother. I was even motivated had my bed made before 6:45 am and a load of laundry in the dryer before seven. Feeling quite chipper for a Wednesday morning I was just about to head to the kitchen to whip up a batch of no bake cookies. I had promised some to my Diva Sister and I thought I would be nice and make some take them to her. Well Diva Sissy blew her chance at those. As I was walking to my kitchen I noticed I had a message on my cell that said "Call Me". Thinking something was seriously wrong I immediately grabbed my home phone and dialed. When she answered I told her I seen her message and called to see if everything was okay. She said "yes everything is fine. I just called to tell you about this party I went to last night. It was for those Body by Vi products. Have you heard of them?" I said "yes I have heard of them in fact my neighbor sells them and I have tried some samples." She said have you heard of the Body by Vi 90 Day Challenge?" "Yes I have why are you selling them now?" She said "No I am not selling them. I did however get a couple of free kits at the party and I wanted to see if you would be interested in having one of the kits. I will only give it to you if you promise you will actually do it. I don't want the products just going to waste." I said "Yes I will do the shakes and supplements I like their stuff I just haven't been able to afford the $200 plus price tag lately.

This is where the conversation begins it's decline. Sissy says "well when I went to the party and I seen how well so many people did on these products I couldn't help but think of you. I know you would do really well with them. I am going to do one of the kits myself because I want to lose about 10 pounds. I know I know everyone says they don't notice any weight gain on me but, I have gained. I usually weigh around 150 but with lack of exercise this summer I am actually closer to about 160 lately. After I heard some of the testimonials I know you would be successful with this." Now this is where it gets good!! She says "Jami if you would start these products tomorrow I would bet you could lose 40 POUNDS by Thanksgiving and then you would only have about ten or fifteen more to lose!! What the #%$%@ did she just say??!! So I take a deep breathe and remind myself that she is old and it is still fairly early in the morning and I play nice like Momma always said I should. (plus I want the products before I run my chops.) She says she will meet me later in town to give me my box of stuff. I hang up without my head exploding.

So after hanging up with my head intact. I keep rethinking the conversation which in turn causes me to try and do math as well as a little mind reading. Okay so my five foot two sister  says she wants to lose about ten pounds to get back down to 150 pounds. Followed by her statement that I could lose 40 pounds by Thanksgiving leaving me only another 15 pounds more to lose to not be a complete lard butt. Now let's see I am five foot six inches tall that is four inches taller than her. I would assume she would allow a taller person to weigh more than a short person right.!  Okay I wonder how many pounds she would allot per inch? And has she even thought about my Boobs? I mean these suckers alone account for a good fifteen pounds at least!  Couple with her statement that no one has noticed her 160 pounds on her five foot nothing frame.  How freaking fat does she think I am?? So after failing to do math this early and my lack of mind reading ability I give up. I just assume that my sister feels I am currently weighing in at over two hundred pounds. So I manage to get off of the phone without losing my mind and keeping my mouth shut. Thank God I have been reading a lot of Wayne Dwyer and Gabby Bernstein books lately.

Sissy calls me back a couple of hours later and ask if I can meet her at the local Chiropractor at around three today to get my "Don't Be A Lard A$$ Kit". (My Name not hers) So I arrive at the Chiropractors office on time  and skinny sissy is late. When she does arrive she has out dear sweet mother with her. She ask if I would be able to take Momma to her hair appointment and drop her off so she won't be late and she will get her after he Chiropractor appointment. I say no problem. And once again the conversation goes south only this time Momma is here to witness so I can't choke her in front of mother. Because apparently I was thinner this morning than I am in the afternoon. Because now sissy says, "If you start this tomorrow you should have 50 pounds off by Christmas and 10 or fifteen more after you should be at your goal!!" Oh Really My Goal huh? I want to inform her that my goal is not to be anorexic and my goal is not to look like the flipping crypt keeper! But my Momma is there so I behave. Apparently with Mother in tow she is feeling extra brave. Because her next statement is "Hey now before you start this program tomorrow make sure you have the boys take a picture of you for the contest." What contest? She says" Well they have a contest and you could win up to $10,000.00 for losing the weight but you have to have before and after pics. " So let me get this straight I am now so $#%# fat that I could pull in more prize money than the Grand Champion Heifer at the county fair. I mean of course I don't say this because my elderly mother is present. This location isn't optimal for assaulting someone there are too many witnesses and cars driving down State Route 22. So like the Good Lord Jesus said I turned the other cheek. Even though there were a couple of other cheeks I was considering asking her to kiss.

So this morning I have already done my breakfast shake and taken my supplements like a good little heifer should. I already have my lunch shake ready. If I do happen to be fat enough that I could win prize money for this you can bet your butt this little piggy won't be taking her sissy to the market with her! So sissy if you read this I will do the program I will not however be losing no 50 plus pounds because first off I don't need to! Second off I like a little curve on me. Third fat fills in wrinkles. Fourth every time I get skinny I get pregnant. And so help me God if I lose weight and get pregnant you will meet your maker!!

The Longest Winter

Oh my oh my is this a keyboard I am touching??? Wow I feel like I haven't sat down to write anything in forever. I believe I am currently experiencing the longest winter in history which apparently it is still winter in spite of what the calendar says...because I think the calendar and the thermometer must be having some sort of disagreement. This gets me to thinking of another disagreement that I have.....it is about hell. After this long winter which seems to be hanging on for dear life I am beginning to believe that everything I have been told about hell is not true. All those stupid sayings about hell like "hotter than hell" or "people in hell want ice water". I personally feel that people in hell can produce their own ice water I think what people in hell want is actually hot chocolate with marshmallows in it. Because I think hell is cold and gloomy and freezing and I bet it snows or rains or sleets or hails most days. And the days that you actually do get to see the sunshine it is just a trick because although the sun may be shining brightly the winds will be blowing so hard that the wind chill will still make it seem like it is freezing out. It really is probably a whole lot like winter in central Ohio. Except in hell instead of it lasting only six or seven months a year it is year round so I will give them that. But with that said at least those folks doomed to eternity there they don't have telecommunication there I am willing to bet they don't get a good signal there like I do here in the glorious Buckeye state. So at least those folks don't have to get calls from the folks walking on the streets paved of gold like I have to get from my brother and sister who are in Florida who feel compelled to call me to let me know how hot it is. My sister has even begun to recruit her friends to harass me as well. They like to call me from the beach to ask if I can call them back in like thirty minutes so they don't forget to turn over on the blanket so one side of their bodies doesn't get sunburned!! I won't even tell you what my response to that request was since I don't like to put my profanity in writing I try to keep most of those kinds of words in my head although I will admit occasionally one to fifteen may slip out. Even those that do slip out from time to time are not my fault I blame them on the fluctuation in hormone levels that women of a certain age suffer from. Really the only thing to look forward to during winter in central Ohio is THE Ohio State Buckeyes and I actually thought that was going really well this year. My football bucks went to a bowl game and actually won it instead of suffering a humiliating loss on national tv like they have been known to do. Then my basketball Bucks have a stellar season on the court well at least until it really mattered. I am not quite sure what "in the cold hell" happens to my Buckeyes nearly every stinking year. It is like they game plan goes something like this. I picture Thad Matta (who my husband refers to as "stigmata" and it cracks him up every time he says it) Yea I don't why either???? gives them a pep talk something like this. Hey fellas I believe in you, all your fans and the entire Buckeye nation believes in you. You are strong talented gifted young men with more skill and more heart than any other team in the country. I want you boys to play hard and win. I want you to win nearly every single game all season long play with the heart for this sport that I know you all possess and show the world how talented and undefeatable you all are. I want you to break records and humiliate your opponents on the court. Now I want you to do all this all the way until we either get to the NCAA National Championship or at least really really close to it then don't do that anymore. Just kick back a rest on your amazing regular season play. I think Tressel gives a very similar speech to my football bucks most years as well. You know I would almost rather they have a mediocre season barely even make it to the tournament then pull an upset at the end to win it. Then for them to play hard break records get all our hopes up then crash and burn when it really counts. Their season was just another trick on Ohio just like when you look out and see the sun is shining and you think it is actually going to be a nice warm sunny day then you walk outside and find that accompanying the sun is a cold brisk wind straight out of the north. (and you know what is north don't ya???? yeah that's right Michigan!!!) Nothing good ever comes out of the north. The jet stream, the Arctic blast, the lake affect snow and Michigan with all their fans can all stay north if you asked me. So the next time I irritate someone (which by the way is very very very rare) and in anger they tell me to go to hell...I can just say I would but I already live there it is a little place called Ohio. In fact I think I have a new motto for the Buckeye state it is this "Ohio...can't tan.....can't win!!! I need to go for now perhaps I will stop by the Red Barn to see if I can have that put on a bumper sticker!! Plus I am currently taking any and all suggestions for my revenge on my sister who returns home in May..

Happiness on Wheels!

Do you all remember how excited you would get when the ice cream truck would come down your street when you were just a little kid? Today I was sitting at home thinking about my memories of the ice cream man. Granted he was probably stoned out of his mind while he was peddling his sweet treats to us it was still such an exciting day when he would show up. You could be sitting inside watching TV or playing outside in your yard and you would hear him long before you could see him. That psychotic carnival music blaring through the streets and I would dig in the couch and every drawer in the house hoping I could locate enough pocket change to get at least one ooey gooey treat off of the truck. It was so exciting on the days he would show up in our neighborhood. Well today when I was sitting down for a much needed break after my weekend from hell and I had what Oprah would possibly refer to as an "Ah Ha Moment" why isn't there anything close to an ice cream man for adults? Something that would show up randomly on your street or in your neighborhood that would just make your day. Granted I know as we get older and husbands, kids, jobs and families suck the life out of us the ice cream truck arriving wouldn't really brighten our days. Especially once we begin to age we worry about caloric intake and cholesterol and fat grams and crap like that. Then I thought about it ice cream may not stir in us the excitement that it once did....but alcohol could! So I had this great idea that I could purchase an old ice cream truck and instead of delivering ice cream to the children throughout the neighborhoods I would deliver drinks to housewives (domestic engineers) and stay at home moms. I could change that psychotic clown music and perhaps play Happy Days are Here Again or Fat Bottomed Girls would blare out through the sound system. I can just picture it now all the women in their sweat pants and pony tails (I know Mary you would be sporting a banana clip) but I would serve you anyway. And those other like me who may even still be in their night shirts and robes running out of their homes when they hear me coming to town. All those lonely wives and mommy's running down the street after my cool truck acting like it is Christmas day! I could serve them any alcoholic drink their little hearts desired from PBR to Cosmos. I could even provide sanity service for those suffering really bad days I would sell liquor by the bottle and six packs or twelve packs to take home as well. I could even sell little flask with my company logo of course to all my customers at an inflated price and occasionally offer free refills just like they do at Taco Bell. I am still contemplating the name of my new company. Perhaps "Your in Luck Truck" or "Sanity on Wheels" I am not sure yet I am still tossing the name idea around and I am open for suggestions. I just really think it is one of those ideas that is right up there with the wheel or sliced bread. I think it would be a great service to the community as it could prevent drinking and driving and it would also prevent those encounters at the local Wal-mart and Kroger with the Mommy that perhaps hit the sauce a little too hard that morning and is now purchasing nothing but pizza rolls, frozen pizza, potato chips and Little Debbie treats and juice boxes as the weeks groceries. It would also improve the lives of those who don't partake in the "devils water" because the lines would move faster since sober women can unload their carts much faster than the drunk ones can. I swear it took a woman in front of me one time nearly twenty minutes to unload her cart because she kept dropping her items and couldn't quit giggling every time she would bend down to pick up her item and stand back up she obviously got some sort of head rush. Although I will admit it was entertaining to watch it got irritating after about ten minutes. What was even funnier is I checked out after her with many more groceries and she was still in the parking lot trying to load her purchases into her car when I got to the parking lot. This was entertaining as well but I couldn't stick around to see if she ever actually accomplished this task. I felt at the time as much as I wanted to stay and watch I thought it best to be on my way home and hopefully off of the road before she fired up her ignition. Another benefit is I would under no circumstances open my business prior to noon as I have always heard that drinking before noon is considered taboo and it means you have an issue. I just know this is a business that could take off and make me millions. Just think about the job security it would have. It would be nearly as good as being a nurse or doctor since they say there will always be sick people. Or a lawyer because we live in a litigious society or a teacher since someone has to teach our kids to read (especially since mommy is too sauced up to). Well as far as I can tell we will always have drunks and call me cynical but as long as there are children and husbands I don't know of any woman who hasn't occasionally thought about how great a little "happy mommy sauce" would be on any given weekday afternoon? I mean I wouldn't just cater to the hardcore line dancing drink a man under the table women I would offer the foo foo drinks to those ladies just looking to take the edge off the day. Just a little something to calm the nerves before the kids come flying off the school bus or the hubby pulls in the drive asking what's for dinner. I really feel that this idea could improve marriages and make mommy time a whole lot more pleasant for the kids. There would be no losing your patience while working on homework and you wouldn't even care if they made their stupid beds. I am sure boyfriends and husbands would be much happier because everyone knows that alcohol tends to cause women to let down their guard and feel rather amorous. Frankly I think it is a great idea that would benefit the entire family. I still need to spend some more time figuring out what to name it. So if you have any suggestions I open to all ideas or if you can think of what songs I could play on the new mobile sanity vehicle to lure the women away from their washing machines, dishwashers and vacuum cleaners I will consider those ideas as well. And for those critics out their who would suggest that some women would possibly tip the bottle a little too much I say this to you. At least she won't be drinking and driving. And what husband or kid would complain that they were fed pizza, potato chips and a side of Little Debbie Nutty Bars for dinner. Not to mention that hubby wouldn't even care if the house was cleaned or not since his potential to have some of his own quality time with is lady would increase ten fold. So I am really having a hard time seeing a down side to this. Just the sheer joy of this job would be great I mean you would be viewed as something along the lines of Santa Claus of the Easter Bunny spreading joy happiness and most of all sanity where ever your wheels take you. And for you women out their who not interested in consuming alcohol because your lives, husbands and children are just sooooo flipping perfect well I could employ you. That way you could see how the rest of the non perfect people live. Please leave all suggestions in the comment section or on my facebook. I will post job openings as soon as they are available but for now I really need to go as I have to do some research about how to obtain a liquor license. Until next time ladies "Cheers!!!"

Who Knew Dead Mice Could Fly???

OMG I never ever thought I would be so happy to see Monday come! The last two weekends has convinced me that I must have been a really terrible person in a previous life or something. I am thinking perhaps I was Bruce Ismay (the dude who told the Captain of the Titanic to speed up the ship thereby killing all those people.) Or maybe I was Lizzy Borden or something. So the entire week was crazy busy with the big old Pumpkin Show in town. On Wednesday after dropping Drake off at is new internship at the Columbus Museum of Art on the ride home I had to pee really really bad and having a bit of a phobia of public restroom facilities I decided to call my brother Brent who lives downtown to see if I could swing in to use his nice clean non-public facility. Brent said he was home and to come on by I fly down and illegally park my vehicle and nearly run to his door which is hard to do when you legs are crossed! I run in past Brent headed for the bathroom and take a tumble down the stairs twisting my ankle into a position that God did not intend for it to go. Crying in pain and limping on my quest for a toilet to alleviate myself of what is left of the pee that didn't come out when the pain shot through my body. I have to nearly crawl back up the stairs at Brent's while his lovely little dog Milo is jumping on me and licking my face repeatedly I finally make my way to his couch so he can take a look at my ankle that I am convinced is broken. Upon Dr. Brent's examination he determines it is not broken perhaps severely sprained. He says I should get home stay off my foot and put ice on it. I explain to him that this is not an option for me as I have to get my great niece Paige ready for the Little Miss Pumpkin Show contest and take her through the parade. (she didn't win by the way) This little bathroom break caused me to hobble around the Pumpkin Show for the next two days in two different ankle braces at the same time. See I had to go to the Pumpkin Show on Thursday as well because I promised my Momma that I could take her down to see the OSU Marching Band in the parade. Plus even if my ankle was broke I was not going to miss a chance to see my Buckeyes the best damn band in the land!! So I spent another entire day at Pumpkin Show with my lame foot pushing my Momma in a wheelchair which was an intriguing site to see! I can say I am grateful that my sissy Jan is nuts and had chairs already set up in the parade route before six am that morning so I at least had a place to sit for the next eight hours (between food runs that is) Food runs you say well my diet for Thursday consisted of the following: corn dog, french fries, steak on-a-stick, fried cheese, deep fried strawberries, pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, kettle corn, and this yummy baked thing called a Bee Sting, which I will say is a little piece of heaven on a plate! After the parade and wrestling my mother in her wheel chair through the insane crowd and getting her home and back to my house which was nearly midnight. I realized that I forgot that I had made plans with one of my best girl friends Jonda for a day of shopping on Friday. I guess there really is no rest for the wicked! It should go without saying that considering my diet choices on Thursday I woke up on Friday with just a wee bit of stomach trouble. My stomach was so bloated it looked as though I were at least five months pregnant I was beginning to wonder if I should start picking out baby names. I felt like death warmed over is it possible to have a food hangover? Even with my gimp foot and the sudden onset of IBS I was not going to miss the opportunity to shop with my girl. It had only been like twenty years since we had a day to ourselves without husbands or kids and just the two of us. We had a great time in spite of my stomach interrupting our conversation occasionally throughout the day. Jonda brought me home and came in to say hello to Tony. She asked if she could use the restroom before leaving to go home. I told her to go in and use the master bath (the recently remodeled one that only took me ten years to get Tony to do and I am so proud of) Tony informs us that she can't use the master bath because there is some "plumbing issues" in there she needs to use the boys bathroom which, is the equivalent of using a public restroom at a truck stop since I haven't been in there to clean for the past three days and my children are pigs. I asked Tony what was going on in the bathroom and he said the toilet won't flush and the seal must have broken and the bathtub won't drain as well as the sink. The whole time he is talking all I can think about is my many many visits to the restroom this morning and perhaps our outdated plumbing system wasn't equipped to handle the massive amount of Pumpkin Show poo. I of course don't mention the events of this morning to Tony as I feel he would never look at me the same way again if I were to confess my intestinal issues to him. Tony and I decide that since we do have one working bathroom we will wait to call a plumber on Saturday. I woke up on Saturday morning at five o'clock out of guilt for neglecting my household duties for three straight days and more than likely there will be a plumber arriving later today I don't want him to judge me for my dirty house. I dive right into dusting and dishes and picking up every item my children have left lying around I realize that there is dirty laundry everywhere. I decide to go ahead and start the first of what looks to be at least five loads of laundry. I swear I think my boys are like girls when getting ready. They must have tried on or worn nearly every article of clothing in there closets. Since they don't know to hang anything back up or put anything in their dressers they have clean clothes mixed with dirty clothes all over their bedrooms and bath. I have mentioned this to my children several times about them doing this and how many times I probably wash clean clothes and how much time and energy I spend on it. Peyton told me instead of doing that I should just sniff each item to see if it has an odor!! Really you want me to sniff each item huh? You think it is my duty to sniff the pits of your shirts not to mention your underwear because you all are to dag gone lazy to put your crap away. I begin my first load of laundry and as the wash cycle is ending Tony comes flying out of the bedroom asking very loudly I might add "what in the hell am I doing out here because I have flooded the bathroom." I explain that I was just doing some laundry. Apparently the washer decided to join the party and not drain either! I tell Tony to calm down I will grab the mop and bucket and clean up the flood. He says no just let him have a cup of coffee first and he will go out to the shed to get the shop vac and clean it up himself. No argument from me. After getting is coffee fix he goes out to the shed and returns with the shop vac he tells me to grab the mop and bucket and I can follow behind him to get what the shop vac doesn't pick up. This is the part where the weekend got really really I mean really seriously bad!!!! So Tony plugs in his handy dandy water sucking machine and did you know that shop vacs have some sort of exhaust on them that blow out air as the water gets sucked in? When he turns the damn thing on to begin sucking the exhaust thingy starts shooting a bunch of stuff out of it there is stuff flying everywhere clear into our bedroom. When the shop vac started shooting God knows what out of it I of course went running out of the room screaming. The next thing I know Tony is screaming and yelling for me to come back in and saying a few choice words. When I peak my head back in he says I have to come help him clean up because apparently a mouse had built a nest in the shop vac in our shed and it must have been the worlds worse mommy mouse because there are dead baby mice all over the place. OMG the thought of dead baby mice being shot out of the vac like a cannon into my bath and bedroom cause me to go running for the working toilet where I puke once again for the second weekend in a row I am vomiting!! After completing my round of bulimia I return to find Tony is still yelling and telling me to get in there and help him. Now it is my turn to be loud and let him know under no circumstances will I ever help clean up the dead mice that have been shot out all over the place. He can yell all he wants but it ain't gonna happen, not in this life or the next!!! Got it!! So let's see here the bathroom is still flooded, there are dead mice in my bathroom and bedroom I can't do dishes, I can't do laundry, I can't take a shower, I can't leave because the kids want a ride to the stupid Pumpkin Show and need more money to go on and flipping Rotor Rooter promises to be here by FOUR O'CLOCK TODAY!!! A couple of hours later after Tony has cleaned up the dead flying mice and the water from the bathroom I decide it is best if I take my book and sit outside away from him otherwise I fear there could be a murder suicide or at the very least a domestic disturbance call to the local sheriff and I really don't want to go to jail today since I haven't even had a shower. As I am sitting outside with my little Berlin and my good book (Nora Roberts) I am almost completely calmed down from the earlier trauma I have suffered when two vehicles pull into my driveway. I am thinking if these are Jehovah Witnesses they are going to get an earful from me. I am in no mood for visitors and certainly not in the mood to discuss the Lord! He and I are obviously on the outs it appears! When all of the people spill out of the vehicles I see that it is my sister in law Tonya, her son Zach with his wife and new baby, her son Austin as well as her youngest son Jayden! Did I mention that my sister in law Tonya I think has OCD and has the cleanest most organized home I have ever been in in my entire life. I don't even like to visit her house because it is way to clean and organized and I fear I would leave an ass print on her couch or perhaps I would have lint or a stray hair on her perfectly vacuumed carpet or leave a foot print on her perfectly polished hardwood floor. Seriously I wanna know what contest in hell I have won??? I tell Tonya that we are having plumbing issues to explain why I am sitting in my dirty sweats and bed head sans make up. She says that's okay we just wanted to stop in and show you my new grandbaby. She inquires about what our plumbing trouble is and I explain that the master bath kitchen and laundry room won't drain anything she says "oh really I haven't even seen your master bath since Tony remodeled it." Lord help me she shows up today to see it I mean it has only been done for over a year. Even with my humiliation I am grateful that at least there aren't dead baby mice lying all over the room. We make our way to the family room so that Tony and I can oooh and ahhhh over the new baby (who is absolutely beautiful by the way) and Tonya starts talking about her new room addition the just finished. She is talking about how hard it was to decide on rather to put carpet or hardwood. She was talking about now stressful it was picking out her sofa should she go with leather or not and what color and what a headache it has been!! Really your stressing over buying new furniture for your brand new custom built addition meanwhile down in Jamiville I am concerned that my toilet may very well be blown off of its base at any moment and shit will be flying out like Ole Faithful and I have had dead mice coming at me like they were being shot out of a cannon and your stressed!!! Tonya and her crew finally leave and the phone rings we run to get it and it is Rotor Rooter saying they are running a little behind (I kind of got that since it was already 4:30) therefore missing their promised deadline of 4:00. Rotor Rooter finally shows up at nearly 7:00 pm to address my plumbing problem. Two and a half hours later and $350.00 poorer they finally leave. So at 9:30 pm I begin cleaning up the wake of the plumbing issue in my bathroom until nearly one a.m. I can tell you that there is not a surface in my master bath that has not been scrubbed down no less than three times with boiling bleach water and doused with Lysol. I did manage to get my shower eventually and got myself to bed at two o'clock in the morning on Sunday. Well what lessons have I learned through this traumatic weekend? 1.) Dead mice can fly and at a very high rate of speed. 2.) Shit doesn't always run downhill . 3.) It is possible to heal a sprained ankle without rest or ice. 4.) Consuming vast amounts of Pumpkin Show food can cost you not just intestinally but up to $350.00 for Rotor Rooter. 5.)Murphy's law is real believe me!! Yet I can still say some good of this weekend. My Buckeyes kicked Purdue's butt and Oklahoma lost and my master bath and bedroom are probably cleaner than they have ever ever been! And just remember folks even if your day isn't going well it could be worse you could be me!

Smelly Cat Part II

Well if you read yesterday's blog you know my morning didn't go so well. One friend of mine commented after reading it that the day could only get better from there????? Now folks I love her and all and appreciate her positive outlook however failed it was but she lied to me. So after my traumatic morning dealing with kitty crap and on set of bulimic behavior I realized that I had forgotten that I had made an eye appointment for Peyton in Grove City. He kept telling me he was having trouble seeing the board at school and blamed his lack of good grades on his eyesight!! Yeah I am gonna fall for this one again. Granted in his defense sometime last year the school sent home a paper (I think this was the only one he actually brought home to show me) that said they recommend that I have his eyes checked. Personally I didn't take the school letter all that seriously since I am of the belief that the school systems are in cahoots with the local optometrist much like the drug companies and doctors are with the HMO's. But I will save my conspiracy theories for another blog. Instead of stressing about the forgotten eye appointment I hurried myself along and decided by using wicked driving skills I could make it from Stoutsville to Grove City in about 38 minutes which included a stop to pick up sissy. I figured while we were waiting for Peyton's eyeglasses to be made we could do lunch and some retail therapy to help me work through the pain of the tragedy I suffered earlier. Not much can happen that a little shopping wont fix. Oh yeah and for those of you who read yesterdays blog I did find the cure to remove the smell of cat poo burned into your nostrils. Step 1 put some water, cinnamon and vanilla in a large saucepan and bring to a boil then stick your head over it and sniff. Step 2 after you consume half a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls you suddenly had a hankerin for get out the Folgers black silk coffee and put out a line of it on your cutting board grab a crazy straw and snort. This not only clears the sinuses of any lingering cat poo it gives you much needed energy to make all of your appointment on time. Now I really need you to listen here before I go on with the rest of this story. For over a week now I have been warning Tony that my fancy dancy SUV has been giving me all kinds of warning messages. There have been so many lights and bells and dings that it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas in my truck. Each time I mentioned this (which was everyday sometimes 3 or 4 times a day) his response was "well yeah I need to call Firestone and have it looked at) My pretty red tank will warn you of just about everything it will even tell you exactly what the problem is. I just wish GM with all their foo foo warning options would have put one in there that warned you that someone was going to pass gas on your heated seats. The lack of this warning option has nearly caused me to go off roading on a few occasions a cooked fart is nearly as noxious as cat poo when it hits you in the face. Oh but on with the story. So I picked up Scooter to go with me and Peyton and Peyton's friend whom I didn't have time to run home before the appointment. We get to the Eyeglass factory exactly one minute late get through the appointment. The eye guy informs me it will be about two hours before the glasses will be ready. This is perfectly fine with me as it allows more time for retail therapy. Not to mention the fact the glasses were much cheaper than I had anticipated. This leaves me with an additional eighty eight dollars and change that Tony won't ask about. Look out Target here I come!! Peyton and his friend decided they wanted Chipolte for lunch and Jan and I decided we would do O'Charley's as I was craving the free rolls they offer. Fortunately for me these two restaurants are right next door to each other so the kids could get what they want and sissy and I can have some kid free conversation. Upon seating ourselves in the bar area so Sissy can keep an eye on the game scores I know this isn't going to be good when I spot our waiter walking towards the table proudly wearing his "ahem" Michigan Jersey!! Yikes! When the waiter steps away from the table I warn her that she is to keep her mouth shut at least until all of our food is on the table. For fear that Go Blue boy will hide a hocker under the cheese of my potato skins. Sissy agrees to keep her Buckeye lovin mouth shut until our food is safe. Before we can even get our meal on the table here comes Peyton and his friend. They must have had a race at Chipotle to see who could eat the fastest. So much for adult conversation!! We make it through the meal and put our money in the little faux leather folder and when Go Blue boy comes to retrieve it Sissy just can't help herself says to him "don't bother with change I left you a nice tip so you can go and buy a real shirt." OMG no she didn't. She just couldn't keep her mouth shut. To which go blue boy responds yeah I think I will get the away Jersey next time. Holy crap I need to get her out of the restaurant before a UFC fight breaks out in O'Charley's. I get everyone loaded into my tank announce that Target it our next stop. I put big red in reverse hit the gas and a sound or I should say many sounds come from my truck and I am convinced that I have just ran over a person in a wheel chair or something. Holy Toledo I think it is broke for real this time. I try to make my way around the back of O'Charley's to avoid the crowd of people that is now staring at my big red tank. I pull into a spot and call Tony! Of course he doesn't answer his phone so I keep trying on the fourth try he finally answers sounding perturbed. "What do you want? I am trying to take a bath!!" Well honey so sorry to bother you during your kid free garden tubbed bubble bath but remember all those warning lights and bells in our truck. Well not only can you tell something is wrong from inside the truck but now everyone at O'Charley's as well as Chipotle, Steak and Shake and Walmart no something is wrong. Tony says "well darnit Jami I was getting ready to head to Chillicothe to bowl a few games before the Buckeyes come on." Well that's just too dag gone bad now it looks like you are coming to Grove City instead if you ever ever want to have quality time with me...if you get my drift. I inform him that I will take the truck over to Firestone and he can meet me there. He informs me that I am not to say anything to the Firestone guys because of me having boobs and all. That they will rip me off and not take me seriously. He emphasizes this is not a chauvinistic comment just a fact. Oh really!! I drop Sissy and the kids at Target then head across the street to Firestone. Where as usual I don't listen to Tony's advice about the boob thing and I go inside to talk to Mike to explain my dilemma. I explain to him that my husband is on his way and he will come in to talk about the truck since apparently my breast render me incapable of deciphering that something is wrong with my vehicle. Firestone Mike not listening like most men ask me what happened with the truck. So I explain it like this. "Well Mike I was backing out of O'Charley's over there across the street. And my truck made a really really ugly sound and then when I put it in drive it made some different kinds of ugly sounds. Firestone Mike says "what kinds of sounds." Seriously you want me to add sound affects. Okey dokey it was sort of like this in reverse it went kkkkkracithks thunk. But in drive it goes sssssshhhrqu tink tink tink sssshhhhhrqu. At this point I have the entire waiting area of Firestone staring at me. I explain that my husband will be in and to let him know I have gone to Target and to pick me up there. Tony must have decided to take his sweet time with his bath because I managed to make it all the way through Target and out and into Bath and Body Works before he shows up. I had to have John come and get sissy since Tony's truck isn't a eight person passenger vehicle and I don't think sissy will want to ride home sitting on a circular saw and level. When I get into Tony's truck he explains that Firestone is going to see what all is wrong with the truck and fix it. We should be able to pick it up tomorrow. (which is now today). He says that Mike is going to call him to let him know what the damage will be. Thank God Mike didn't call until we pulled into the driveway at home. Where he quoted a price of $2,008.72 for the repairs. What on earth was wrong that could cost that much you may ask. Well I don't know exactly I do know there was something with a wheel baring or bearing and some hydraulic stuff that involves flushing of stuff and rotor stuff and really all I know is my truck will no longer sound like the sound affects of my son's video games. And I can put some gas in it and go to Target without drawing a crowd and really that is all I need to know. Being as I have boobs and all. Tony and I did manage to get to Chillicothe to squeeze in two games of speed bowling (and I beat him at one game even with my boobs), Peyton got his new glasses (I will assume this means he will be on the honor roll now right?) and the family made it home safely just in time to watch nearly three hours of the Buckeyes getting their butts kicked by a bunch of cheese heads who talk like New Yorkers with sinus infections. Maybe if they would do a line or two of Folgers Black Silk coffee they wouldn't talk to nasally.... you think? And as for you Sherry my lovely FB friend even when you feel it can only get better you can be wrong my dear....very very wrong. I will blame the Buckeye loss on Sissy for not keeping her mouth shut to go blue boy at O'Charley's. I will blame the truck problem on Tony for not listening to me about the warnings. See if everyone would just listen to me life would be sooooo much easier I really believe that. Now I have to go so I can right to GM about installing the heated seat fart warning system on my truck. Now that I would pay $3,000.00 dollars to have installed!

Smelly Cat Smelly Cat What are We Feeding You?

So I awake this lovely Saturday morning after sleeping in until the late hour of 6:38 am. I grab my giant purple Barney robe before opening the bedroom door because only my own family has to suffer seeing my bra less night shirted self. I do not inflict this visual onto my sons friends who are lying somewhere in my home. Upon opening my bedroom door I am hit in the face with a stench so overwhelming I am sent running so fast to the "loo" that my giant Barney robe is flapping behind me like I am some sort of super hero. The horrific smell that hit my nostrils was so overwhelming that by 6:42 I had completed the task of ridding my body of last nights Buffalo Wild Wings (and potato wedges with cheese and bacon) oh yeah and celery and ranch. My body ridded (yeah it's a word my Momma uses it and I think George W. does too) itself of last nights dinner via the north bound route rather than the south. If you have had enough coffee this morning you know what I mean. If you didn't here it is "I PUKED." Now let me tell you puking is not a good way to begin your weekend. If it weren't for the early hour of my bulimic episode and my Momma's recent illness she would have got a call. After I cleaned up brushed my teeth and held the Listerine in my mouth for a full two minutes (which could actually be a new torture method they could use to get information from suspected terrorists) I began the exit from my bedroom once again. Only this time with a big wad of Stride gum in my mouth and a holey towel tied around my face making it appear that I was wearing something close to resembling a Burka only in a brighter color. Now you will have to pardon my french here but something in my home shit himself. I just needed to do a little investigating to find out who had emanated such a foul odor. Tony could not be my prime suspect in this case due to the fact that the smell was not in our bedroom. It had to be one of the other males in our house. Either my own children, my children's friends or the stupid male dogs in the house. After making my way through the house and discovering that the smell only decreased when I moved away from my formal living room where no male species could be found. I realized that it wasn't any male in our home that had caused this noxious odor but my sweet little Berlin. My pretty little girl kitty cat. This odor was actually created by something that didn't even have testicles. Let me explain. I am ever so grateful that Tony and I didn't not have a daughter if Tony's mothering of this little girl kitten is any indication of his behavior for the opposite sex. As you all know we live in the country and have a multitude of "critters" that wreak havoc on occasion in "our neck of the woods" as Al Roker would say. The most recent havoc is that it seems the raccoon possy has issued some sort of death warrant with a reward against our newest family member Berlin. Since we have adopted our new little girl each morning we go out to find raccoon prints (it is soooo sad that I can now identify a raccoon print from an opossum print) on and around a porch and the "cat house" we have outside. Each morning Berlin appears on the porch looking like one of those scary Halloween cats with her hair sticking up looking like she is suffering from PTSD. Tony said that she is probably terrorized every night by the stupid raccoon possy and we need to allow her to sleep inside until she is full grown and able to defend herself. Riiiiiiiiight? I explained to him that as much as I love our new little addition I am not about to have a cat running loose in my home while I am trying to sleep. So Tuesday night Tony arrives home with what he considers the solution to the problem. He purchased a kitty kennel and a little kitty bed to put in it. He says we can bring her in a night and allow her to sleep inside all safe and sound from the wildlife outside as well as our Jack Russell Boswell who I say hates her and acts like he is going to eat her alive when he spots her. I agree that this might work and I will say that it has UNTIL TODAY!! It would seem that Tony perhaps brought Berlin into her little indoor kitty condo just a wee bit too early last night. And I ask you once again to please pardon my french but Berlin shit all over her newly constructed kitty condo and to this moment I am still baffled as to how something so small and cute and innocent looking could create such a smell. Now mind you this is being typed by a mother of three sons whom I will note is married to a construction worker for crying out loud. I really didn't think there was any smell left on this earth that could cause instantaneous vomiting, but there is apparently. I am still in awe of it even after dousing my carpet with carpet fresh and going through and entire bottle of Febreeze and half a can of Lysol I can still smell it. And to think that something that doesn't even have testicles could do something so foul. I am now wondering if there is some sort of gas that is emitted from kitty shit that burns itself into your nostrils and that smell stays with you for life!! Will I ever smell the sweet aroma of any chocolate based treat again...will I ever smell the sweet scent of my Momma's homemade rolls and pumpkin pie?( (by the way if on Thanksgiving this year if you find yourself without Pumpkin Pie Spice my Momma's spice cabinet is plum full of it just come over she can give you some) Is this years Thanksgiving feast going to be ruined by the fact that I will have to go on memory of the smells of the past? I even lifted Tony's Afrin bottle from is drawer and sniffed it down to see if it would rid my nostrils of this odor. Approximately four hours later it hasn't. Now I remember one time watching Dr. Phil and there were these men on there with there wives and the issue of the day was that these men after watching there wives give birth had lost all sexual drive and could not find themselves attracted to her any more. When I watched this show I was so appalled and angry with these men. How could they? This woman had done something completely natural and they found her to be repulsive. What pigs? Well brothers I am sooooo sorry I am feelin ya. I can't bring myself to even look at our new addition to the family let alone pick her up and cuddle with her. Another question; How in the hell do you bathe a cat? I tried rubbing her down with Dryer sheets and I thought she was going to claw my eyes out. I heard they don't like water now what? Well I suppose on the bright side if this stench doesn't work it's way out of my nose I will have discovered a new diet. Because with this smell I don't think I can ever ever ever eat again. Maybe I should write a new diet book it would be real short and I could call it "The Smelly Cat Shit Diet" (oops sorry french again) I could make millions then maybe I could afford some sort of surgery to restore my "ole factory" sense again. Not to mention I could hire one of those companies whom come into your home after some sort of tragedy like a murder or a fire and remove all traces of said tragedy from your home. As for now the kitty condo with poo laden furnishing is sitting in my front yard and I am going to wait until one of the creatures with testicles in my home awaken and they are going to have to deal with extricating the comfy shit (sorry) covered kitty bed from the condo. I can then douse the actual condo with Lysol and used Tony's power washer on it. I would be willing to bet that when we put the poo covered kitty bed in the trash today there won't be any raccoons lurking around there tonight. I know one thing for sure and that is Berlin is not going to be brought into he kitty condo tonight until a much much later hour because I have absolutely no intention of beginning my Sunday morning by vomiting like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. And if this smell doesn't leave my nose by Monday I am going to head to my local high school first thing and see what the kids are "huffing" or sniffing" these days and try to purchase some for myself. Because frankly the thought of never ever again smelling chocolate and home baked good again is worth risking a little jail time. And if I did get busted I would just roll around in cat poo before they took me in. This would insure that I would not become some big ole mean girls "lady friend" during my incarceration. Plus being imprisoned and likely in solitairy confinement would allow me to work on that new diet book...it would certainly be quieter than my house.

Don't Wait Until it is Dark!

Well since I was a little lippy yesterday I thought today I would try to play nice. This morning when I got the family up and out the door I began my bible study. I actually got it this morning must have been the extra scoop I put in the coffee maker. So I thought I would share it with you all. As I have gotten a little older my profound moments are fewer and farther between. I was reading Luke 2: 41-45 Every year Jesus' parents went to Jerusalem for the Passover festival. When Jesus was twelve years old, they attended to festival as usual. After the celebration was over, they started home to Nazareth, but Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents didn't miss him at first, because they assumed he was with friends among the other traveler's. But when he didn't show up that evening they started looking for him among the friends and relatives. When they couldn't find him they went back to Jerusalem to search for him there. After reading through this scripture a second time one verse really struck me. "His parents didn't miss him at first, but when he didn't show up that evening they began looking for him" WOW. I thought about how often all of us do this when it comes to Jesus. How often we go through our days celebrating and enjoying our lives and pay no attention to rather Jesus is in the midst or not. It is sort of just a second thought we assume he is there but not really aware of his presence or lack thereof. Just like his own parents that day many of us don't bother to look for him until darkness falls. We walk through our lives and go about our days without any acknowledgment of him at all but when something bad happens and the darkness starts to surround us we realize that we need him with us. We want to know he is right there among us right there by our side. I thought about this scripture from Mary's prospective as a mother and the panic and terror she must have felt unable to find her son. I know from my own experience how scary it is when you can't locate your children in a store, mall or festival. I have experienced this myself with my own and they have cell phones. Imagine traveling by foot and being perhaps many miles from the place you last seen him and no means other than to walk back to try and locate Him. No 911 to call no amber alert being sent out. What a terrifying experience for any mother to think her child is missing. I prayed on this scripture over and over and I ask God that he make me aware and to not allow Jesus to go missing from my life. I ask him to allow me to feel that same since of panic if I start to ignore the Son and to forget how much I need him to be with me. I need him to make the entire journey with me. I don't only want him with me after the darkness falls I want him with me during the entire trip. I ask to be made aware of his presence when all is light and good and celebration is happening. When everyone is safe at home and not in the hospital or out on the road. Many of us myself included can get wrapped up in our days, our families, our schedules, our work and our chores and we forget to look for Jesus and make sure he is in the midst of it. Don't allow me to get caught up and assume he is out there somewhere among the others if I need him. Have him with me holding my hand just like I wish I could get my own children to still do. I think back on when my boys were much younger and when we went across the street, in crowds or parking lots how they would allow me to hold their little hands in mine to make sure they got to where we needed to be safely. Well God I need Jesus to old my hand and get me where I need to be safely. This caused me to think of another scripture Matthew 18:3 Then he said "unless you turn from your sins and become as little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Lord today let me become as a little child and realize that I need you to watch over me, protect me, comfort me and I need Jesus to hold my hand because as little children we need guidance and someone stronger and wiser to protect us. God I want to enter the kingdom of Heaven (not today by the way) but someday let Jesus walk with me to make sure that I take the right path and keep me from the danger of sin that leads away from Heaven. Oh and another thing God I promise not to mount speakers to the trees during deer season. I will behave and not interfere even though I still think it is a terrorist attack. Amen!

Poor neighbor Poor Bambi!!

Well let's see what hasn't happened in the last week. Not much I can most certainly say that. Now let me give you a little piece of advice. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to go to your neighbors house to lodge a complaint I suggest you first find out what kind of week said neighbor has had. Let me also preface this blog by saying Peyton is fifty percent Pettibone and fifty percent McComas therefore the likelihood that any of my children would make it through life without presenting their parents with a little embarrassment is highly unlikely. My Saturday morning began with a call telling me my eighteen year old nephew was in ICU in a hospital in Alabama following a horrible auto accident. By three thirty in the morning on Sunday my mother had been in the hospital because she was having hallucinations comparable to some sixties love child at Woodstock. Sunday afternoon I received a call that my brothers partner had lost his forty nine year old sister. Monday afternoon my sister informs me a very close family friend has been hospitalized out of state. So the timing of my neighbors arrival was not really optimal to say the least. So here it is okay well last week Peyton and a friend ask if they could go out and walk in the woods next to our house and do what they call "creeking" after discussion with Tony and I they were permitted to go into the woods next to our house for one hour. One our later when I am sitting outside on the porch playing with my new kitten Berlin the boys returned of course covered in mud and laughing. When I asked what was so funny Peyton informed me that while exploring the woods they discovered video cameras on some of the trees and my little angel says that he mooned one of the cameras. I of course admonished him for doing something so stupid. I pointed out that this was probably one of our neighbors who placed those cameras and in all likelihood he just showed his butt to our fellow country dwellers. I told him that is not how he should act and that it was disrespectful and gave him the entire Mommy lecture he apologized and said he would not do it again. Riiiiiiight!! So after my week of nothing but bad news my twenty something neighbor shows up at my door with papers in hand. I immediately remember what Peyton told me last week. So I was not caught off guard and I had a pretty good suspicion of what the papers in his hand were before I opened the door. I opened the door and my neighbor immediately hands me the a picture of my son and ask if I know who this is. I said yep I know who it is and so do you that is Peyton. He then hands me the second picture this one is a different view...showing his back side. I told him I was very sorry that I already knew about what he had done and had already spoken to him about it. My neighbor then says "well I a not very happy about this at all", I said well I am not exactly jumping for joy over what he did either, so I am not sure what you want me to do here. He said well I am just very unhappy and upset about it I told him to join the club. My neighbor then says he almost called the sheriff but decided to come and talk to me first. Really you were going to call the sheriff and make a report that a twelve year old mooned you huh? This is when I snapped I said by all means call the sheriff because if you can be arrested in this county for showing your ass then we are going to need a bigger jail. And Walmart will be out of business because everyone will be sitting in lock up. And frankly neighbor when my biggest problem is having some adolescent moon my deer camera I won't be pounding on anyone's door proclaiming to be very upset I would instead be jumping for joy. Because in all honesty you caught me on a really really bad day and the fact that my son now had his butt on film is the least of my worries. Now like I said I apologize for his behavior but in the bigger picture of life I hate to say it I find it rather insignificant in light of all the other things going on in my life right now. Once he left deciding he was getting no where with a hormonal woman with raging PMS I of course kept pondering over his reaction. I am sorry but I got to thinking and here it is. Now it is soon to be deer season in our fine county. I have lived with the rituals of deer season and all the preparation of it for over twelve years I have lived down here in the sticks. It is actually quite funny to me how much preparation goes into this so called sport. I may be wrong here but I don't really think it is a sport. The way I see it God gave man the intelligence to rule over the animals of this planet. So just by creation we have an advantage. And I admire those old hunters who went out into the wilderness and hunted to provide food and clothing for their families on foot or horseback armed with either bow and arrow or shotgun. But hunting now has become something very very different. Now I watch my neighbors preparing weeks in advance for the season. Now they set up tree stands, lure them in with salt lick set up cameras and ride four wheelers into the woods armed with high powered guns and they call it sport. Really? Now you can sit at home watching your computer and wait for the deer to appear on your screen so you don't have to sit out in the cold for hours. Then you run outside hop on your ATV headed right for the trap you set climb into your tree stand and shoot! All this preparation for an animal who's most likely cause of death is collision with a vehicle. This is an animal who is too stupid to get out of the way when they spot the headlights of my three thousand pound vehicle coming straight at them. So neighbor as for you being upset about my son's butt on your camera well here is what I am upset about. I am upset that for the entire length of deer season I can not utilize my family room with the big screen tv in it. Because of the blast of the guns that have me hitting the deck as if I am in the middle of a war zone. Also because I fear you good ole boys may have had one too many Bud Lights at home watching football and the computer screen simultaneously and your aim is off pointed directly at my house. So perhaps I would be a little more remorseful for my son's actions if you all would hunt like the real men used to. Back when they used patience and skill. Back when they would get up early and sit for hours in the cold and silence waiting for Bambi to show up. Then if they were lucky enough to get a kill they then had to carry it home to skin it and prepare it on foot. They didn't just load it on the trailer hooked to the ATV and tear through the farmers field. Back when just being a man gave them enough advantage to provide food for the family. They didn't do it by setting traps weeks in advance, they didn't mount camera's to trees they didn't have tree stands and ATV's. They walked, they waited, the used skill and patience they were real men. So as disappointed and upset as you are my friend please know that I am every bit as disappointed in you for calling yourself a hunter. And actually if my son's actions in any way interfered with your planned terrorist attack on Bambi then I am quite happy. Perhaps later today I will even venture into the woods and give you something to really look at. Better yet I think I will go down sit on SR 22 and record the sounds of all those guns being fired at the gun range. I will then go out in the woods and mount speakers right next to your cameras to blast the recording into the woods during deer season. The will see how well you do this season. Okay that is all I have to say on that. I can only hope the raging PMS subsides sometime soon. I can report my nephew pulled through although with a long recovery ahead. My mom made it home from the hospital and blood work shows she does not have LSD in her system. My family friend made it home from the hospital out of state and everyone is recovering well. I need to go for now so I can go find a good recording device and get to Best Buy to see if I can find some tree mount speakers. Until next time let us all try not to show our asses either figuratively or literally.

A little different but worth reading!

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from my brother Brent. His partner had just received a phone call that his forty nine year old sister had passed away. This was just one of many phone calls this past week I had received delivering bad news. The first phone call I got on Saturday morning was to tell me that my eighteen year old nephew Austin had been in a very serious auto accident and was in critical condition with a skull fracture, brain swelling and a laundry list of other breaks and contusions. Then another phone call at around three in the morning on Sunday from my sister stating that she was at Mom's and they had called the squad to take my Mom to the hospital. Brent said that he just left the house with his partner where the family had gathered to mourn together and comfort each other. Brent was very upset not just about the passing of his partner's sister but about what the daughter of the deceased has said to him. The young girl who just lost her mother was crying and hugging my brother and then said to my brother, "Brent I know my Momma wasn't perfect, she wasn't even really good a lot of the time but, do you think she will still get to heaven?" This statement nearly broke my brothers heart as it did mine when he told me. Brent ask me what I thought about it. I told him that I believe that I serve a loving and forgiving God. I feel God through his son Jesus Christ gives us every opportunity to repent of our sin and seek his forgiveness. I feel he gives us this opportunity even unto our last breath on earth. I would just have to trust that she took advantage of the opportunity and is now with him in heaven. I then told him that instead of being sad about the girl's statement let it serve him and to all of us as a reminder. How very very sad that this poor young woman is now without her mother to comfort her and see her grow. Saddest of all if that on top of losing her that she has to question rather she is in heaven. I told my brother let this be a lesson to make sure that we don't leave this earth and our loved ones behind with that questions in their minds. Let this terrible loss be used for God's glory to make those of us still here a little better. So that on that day when each of us goes to meet our maker and answer for the things we have done. That our friends and family left behind will of course be sad at our passing but also comforted that we have gone some place much better. When I came home exhausted from the difficulties of the last couple of days I hit my knees to pray. I asked God to please allow me to live in the awareness of his spirit each and everyday I have. So that on that day when my journey here is through that those people gathered to mourn will also be gathered to celebrate in the knowledge that I am with the one I have served. I pray this for all people I pray that each day we get the conviction of the holy spirit on our lives and we conduct ourselves in a way that will not cause our family and friends to question our eternal soul and our salvation. During this last difficult week and weekend I nearly got sucked in to the ways of the world. I was beginning to see so much sadness, ugliness, mean spiritedness and was close to thinking...if you can't beat em....join em. Needless to say after that call I changed my way of thinking. If today were my last day I sure don't want to spend it being anything less than what God would have me be. So my prayer for today is not just for me but for all of us. God guide us, lead us to where you would have us to be, let us be compassionate, kind, forgiving and loving to one another. Don't allow our hearts to judge, our tongues to harm, our hands to destroy anything that you created. And above all God thank you for your son Jesus and the sacrifice you made for all of us. Oh and one more thing God...you know I am ornery I hope you understand and I would really like a few more funny stories and misadventures that I can share with others. And I promise God I won't beat em...I won't join em...but I will try to make em' laugh. Love and blessings to all!!

A little kitty and little wood (don't be perverted)

Well my new family member is still working out. She has survived nearly two weeks at our humble abode AKA The Wild Kingdom as my sister's like to call it. I will tell you our new addition has caused a little extra work on my part. Between my two dogs, the new cat, the raccoon, the opossum, the ground hog, and the giant chicken hawks I can happily report everyone is alive and well. Due to the addition of Berlin to the family every morning begins now with me being on wild animal control in our front yard. At approximately six am each morning I have to don my big purple robe and go out on wild animal patrol to make sure it is safe to have Berlin exit her house. I then have to scoop her up and hold her while Tony releases the hounds (Buster and Boswell) I have to hold Berlin in one arm and hold the broom in the other to fend of Boswell from attacking poor Berlin and vice versa. This I will tell you is a whole bunch of fun trying to hold onto a cat that is hissing and clawing trying to get at the dog and the dog is jumping up and baring his teeth. I do feel blood pressure meds are in my near future if this is to become my new morning ritual. Part two requires me screaming at Buster to stay in the front where I can see him for fear that Rocky the Raccoon will attack him while I am trying to keep Berlin and Boswell from attacking each other. I will say this does serve as a great excuse for me not to do any type of cardio exercise though because in my head I am sure my heart rate is at optimal fat burning speed before I ever even get my first cup of coffee. This makes sense doesn't it? Just tell me I am right and get it over with! After getting the dogs back inside and Berlin safe I feed her which immediately sends her into some form of hysteria running all over the front yard and up and down every tree in the yard. Then she positions herself under Tony's truck to catch her breathe. She does this just about the time Tony is ready to leave for work. So once again I am back outside in my giant Barney robe trying to coax her out from under the truck so Tony can leave. I am not sure if I have told you Tony is not well known for his patience. He is under the impression that all the planets and all the people and animals should fall in line and work around his schedule. I feel this may be a sign of insanity for him as he has been married to me after all for nearly two decades. Why on earth he would get the impression that things go as planned after all these years I will never figure out! OMG I think my ADD just kicked in I totally forgot to mention the most amazing discovery I had yesterday. Let me tell you first that I am married to a contractor/carpenter. All of you ladies know what this means. I have the ugliest most unfinished house on the street. Although I have managed to get at least part of Peyton's bedroom remodel finished. I had to do this my draping everything in plastic and forcing my sweet baby to sleep on the couch for the last three weeks. I began working on the nail holes and plastering BB holes, and some larger ones that I am sure came from some sort of automatic weapon like perhaps an AK47 or something. I was hoping this would be enough to get Tony moving and actually finish the project. Especially since Peyton sleeping and playing his videos on Tony's prized new plat screen television. My plan did not work...that is until I purchase the paint and began to paint the room myself. When Tony discovered that I was trying my hand at painting he finally painted the room in less than an hour!!!! One hour yeah I have been waiting for three weeks and sweating and you do this in an hour. Since Tony was so kind as to do the painting finally I thought I would help out by installing the new closet organizer that I stole from my Mom's basement to keep the remodel going. So yesterday morning after everyone left I grab my drill, screwdriver, hammer (just in case) and level and try to begin the installation of this closet system. All I have to say for this system is unless you want to drive yourself totally coo coo don't buy one. To install this damn thing you would need sixteen hands and an engineering degree from MIT to actually be able to get this done. After struggling for over an hour and half with this system from hell. I gave up I went into the other closet and seen that Tony had used wood to create shelves in other closets. This looked much easier. I went in got dressed in my very best Pickaway County housewife attire (big ugly t-shirt, big ugly jeans, tennis shoes and a pony tail) and took my domestic butt to Sutherlands. This is where the great discovery was made!! OMG it is my own little nirvana they will cut wood for you if you have the measurements. This is my greatest discovery yet. See I have asked Tony on multiple occasions to show me how to use the big power tools. Or at least a couple of the saws and he always points out that perhaps it is not the best idea for me to be using tools that have the ability to cut off my hands and or fingers while home alone is not a wise idea. He used to make sure he took every power tool he owned to work with him. Now he has started leaving some of them in our shed at home he only does this now because he knows that I will no longer enter our shed. Last month a snake was discovered right inside the shed door on two different occasions. The first one by Tony who did actually manage to kill it. But two days later when I went to get something there was another one. So now given my, what Tony's classifies as irrational fear of snakes (just because one time I launched myself butt first out of a window six feet off the ground screaming and crying) he knows he can put anything in that shed and I will never ever ever for all of my days on earth enter it again!!!! But that will no longer keep me from attempting to remodel the house, thanks to this new discovery. I don't need his stinking power tools he can put them in the shed if wants I will not be stopped!!! I will be like those do it yourselfers on HGTV. Even though he won't admit it to me I know he was really impressed when I showed him the new shelf I installed in Peyton's closet. Granted he did role his eyes when he asked what type of screws I used for the supports and I told him I kind lost patience with the drill and opted to use giant nails and a hammer instead.(see I knew from the get go that the hammer would be needed) I already have the wood cut and ready to install another one in Drake's closet this week. I also have some great plans for a few other little projects I have been asking him to do as well. The home stores not only cut rough lumber for you they will cut trim as well. I am just tickled pink and I think Tony is ready to up the dosage of his blood pressure medicine. Oh yeah and if anyone with an engineering degree and the patience of Job would like a closet organizer system I have one available I can just duct tape it all back in the box. Well folks I gotta go for now. There is a shelf needing installing and I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the two by fours and 5/8 inch plywood I have hidden in my Denali before Tony gets home. I tell you what Tony just needs to realize what a catch I am..I mean I can cook, I can clean, I have mad laundry skills and now I can even do home remodeling. Not to even mention that I can remove and install that plunger thingy in the toilets I just did that last week. He is sooooo lucky!! Until next time happy remodeling!!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats (Part II)

Okay Drake is all recovered and everyone is off to school and back to work. So back to Kittygate 2010. When I last left you I had explained the first half of my day on Friday. As I arrive home from my lone lunch and shopping adventure on Friday I have just enough time to sprinkle some carpet fresh, vacuum and spray my Febreeze so that Tony will think I have worked my little domestic hands all day long. Since it is Friday night I know that everyone in my home with testicles will be heading off to a local football game for the night. Yes I do have two male dogs but I had their stuff cut off so they can stay. I look so forward to Friday night football season because it is the only night of the week that I can actually hold the remote controls and watch whatever I choose on the TV. I even manage to gather up all the dirty clothes throughout the house and shove all of it into the washer so that Tony will think I have done the laundry as well. See I know he will be in such a rush to get to the game he wouldn't think to open the washer and see that I have whites, darks, towels and unmentionables crammed in their. Besides that I don't think anyone in the house knows what the washer is. I think my family believes that the washer walks out of the laundry room gathers all of their wet towels, dirty undies, sweaty T-shirts and gazillion pairs of gym shorts off of the floor and one hour and fifteen minutes later the washer walks back out and hangs everything either back in the closet or in the drawers. But that is another blog all together! When I hear Tony and Drake pull into the driveway I hop over to the couch to grab my book and act like I have the house cleaned and am just sitting around reading and relaxing. This little trick gives Tony the impression that I have completed all of my domestic duties in the morning and that our home is one well oiled machine. If he could only knew what a complete procrastinator his wife truly is he would be appalled. Tony walks in and ask me to come out on the porch to talk for a bit before he leaves for the Circleville game. Just as I am walking out to join him Drake is exiting Tony's truck with a big cardboard box making his way for the house. I ask Drake "what is that box for do you have some sort of project to work on this weekend?" Drake nonchalantly says "no Mom this is a cat I got from some kid at school." "Oh really did I not make it clear to you last week when you ask about the cat that I DO NOT LIKE CATS, and I will not have one in my home. I have a hard enough time cleaning up the messes from all of you and the two dogs." Drakes says "don't worry Mom the cat isn't for us I brought it home for my friend Austin." When I ask him what time Austin will be arriving to get the cat he informs me that Austin is busy tonight hanging out with friends and won't be coming until tomorrow. Okey dokey so what in the $%^*) am I supposed to do to keep the cat safe and in the yard for the night. Drake suggest that I allow him inside just for tonight. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I tell him that the kitten will just have to stay in the box for the night. Then I ask him what am I supposed to give this kitten to eat he can't stay here all night without having some food. This is when Tony gets up and says he has that covered he stopped and purchased cat food for her on the way home. This same man who acts like I am asking him to donate a kidney if I ask him to stop and pick up milk for me...oh but for the cute little kitten he can make a trip to Kroger I see! Tony purchasing several cans of cat food should have been my first clue that this was not what is appeared. I fed the cat gave her some water and told them to put her in the box for the evening. Drake tells me to quit calling her it or her that her name is Berlin..really so she has a name. This should have been another clue that this was not looking good for me. Tony uses the over under method to shut the box to no avail. She managed to free herself as soon as Tony and Drake when inside to get ready for the game. Did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS?!. not only do I not like cat I am deathly afraid of them and their little sharp claws. I start yelling for Tony or Drake or anyone who can hear to please come out and get this kitten her is purring and crawling up my leg like I am her long lost mother. Of course no one hears me or comes to my rescue! Berlin manages to climb into my lap up my stomach and reaches out her paw like she is going to take a nice sharp swipe at my face. Then she ever so gently starts petting my face sans claws. Just when I think she is going to start tearing flesh from my aging face giving me a horrible case of cat scratch fever she turns all sweet and delicate. (Uh oh I could be in trouble here) Something sweet and delicate in my house I wouldn't know what to do. I would be willing to be she doesn't even fart! And she doesn't have testicles that she can scratch! Tony Drake and Peyton all leave for the games and instead of my relaxing night of TV and control of the remote. I spend the entire evening running in and out of my house checking to make sure Berlin hasn't escaped and that one of the many creatures in my yard hasn't had her for dinner. Drake of course doesn't come home after the game he informs me that he is going into town with friends and ask to spend the night with Aaron. Great just great! I wake up at 5:30 am on Saturday morning unable to sleep from worry that Berlin has gotten out and been attacked by the giant raccoon in my yard.
I end up sitting outside in my bathrobe until about ten am when Tony finally comes out. I had to spend an entire Saturday morning keeping vigil over a cat that isn't even mine. At round noon when Drake hasn't even called and Austin has yet to show up to pick up HIS cat. I finally call Drake and ask him to make contact with Austin to find out what time he is coming. Drake calls me back nearly an hour later to inform me that Austin will not be able to come until at least tonight. Right as I am beginning to give him the lecture Berlin finally claws her way out of the box I am screaming at Drake on the phone that she has escaped and that there is nothing I can do if she runs off or gets injured. He acts like this is no big deal he says it will be fine! Sometimes it should be legal to strangle a teenager!! In defeat I run inside to get another can of cat food in hopes that if I feed her she will stick around the house and not run off to be attacked or injured by any of the other creatures. Drake and Austin finally show up at the house only to let me know they are heading out to a show in Chillicothe and Austin will be spending the night with us tonight and will finally take Berlin home with him on Sunday. Just flipping fabulous! Berlin did manage to figure out that she can find shelter under my porch thank God. On Sunday morning up at 5:15 am once again worried about her I spend several hours on the porch once again standing guard. When Drake and Austin finally wake up at around noon Austin says he is heading home that he has a busy day I remind him not to forget the Berlin when he goes out and to go ahead and take the remaining cans of food for her. I say goodbye to Austin and head off to take my shower. After I have showered and dressed I make my way outside to remind Tony that I have to get going soon because I have to be in Cleveland to see Jackson Brown tonight I see that Tony is sitting at the picnic table with Peyton and Drake and guess what is sitting on his lap. My head spends towards the driveway only to discover that Austin's car is gone and the cat is still here!! When I ask why Austin is gone and the cat is not, Peyton says Dad told Austin never mind and we get to keep the cat!! And Dad is going to build her a little cat house and isn't it awesome Mom!! OMG did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS!! Does anyone around here listen to a dag gone thing I say. Well my name is Jami I still DON'T LIKE CATS although I do love my little Berlin who curls herself around my feet and gently climbs into my lap every morning and caresses my face with her delicate little paws and purrs when I rub her back. And she is mine she likes me best unlike my male dogs who don't listen any better than Tony or the boys do. and I finally have something female at my house and I am her favorite one she won't come out from under the porch unless I lure her out. I love it! Tony just called to say that is building her the cat house today and that he already has the wood and insulation for it and we are going to even put siding on it to match the shed and the house. Now I need to go so I can get to Mom's then to Pet Smart to look for furnishings for Berlin's Kitty Condo! I till DON'T LIKE CATS! But Berlin is just special!