Happiness on Wheels!

Do you all remember how excited you would get when the ice cream truck would come down your street when you were just a little kid? Today I was sitting at home thinking about my memories of the ice cream man. Granted he was probably stoned out of his mind while he was peddling his sweet treats to us it was still such an exciting day when he would show up. You could be sitting inside watching TV or playing outside in your yard and you would hear him long before you could see him. That psychotic carnival music blaring through the streets and I would dig in the couch and every drawer in the house hoping I could locate enough pocket change to get at least one ooey gooey treat off of the truck. It was so exciting on the days he would show up in our neighborhood. Well today when I was sitting down for a much needed break after my weekend from hell and I had what Oprah would possibly refer to as an "Ah Ha Moment" why isn't there anything close to an ice cream man for adults? Something that would show up randomly on your street or in your neighborhood that would just make your day. Granted I know as we get older and husbands, kids, jobs and families suck the life out of us the ice cream truck arriving wouldn't really brighten our days. Especially once we begin to age we worry about caloric intake and cholesterol and fat grams and crap like that. Then I thought about it ice cream may not stir in us the excitement that it once did....but alcohol could! So I had this great idea that I could purchase an old ice cream truck and instead of delivering ice cream to the children throughout the neighborhoods I would deliver drinks to housewives (domestic engineers) and stay at home moms. I could change that psychotic clown music and perhaps play Happy Days are Here Again or Fat Bottomed Girls would blare out through the sound system. I can just picture it now all the women in their sweat pants and pony tails (I know Mary you would be sporting a banana clip) but I would serve you anyway. And those other like me who may even still be in their night shirts and robes running out of their homes when they hear me coming to town. All those lonely wives and mommy's running down the street after my cool truck acting like it is Christmas day! I could serve them any alcoholic drink their little hearts desired from PBR to Cosmos. I could even provide sanity service for those suffering really bad days I would sell liquor by the bottle and six packs or twelve packs to take home as well. I could even sell little flask with my company logo of course to all my customers at an inflated price and occasionally offer free refills just like they do at Taco Bell. I am still contemplating the name of my new company. Perhaps "Your in Luck Truck" or "Sanity on Wheels" I am not sure yet I am still tossing the name idea around and I am open for suggestions. I just really think it is one of those ideas that is right up there with the wheel or sliced bread. I think it would be a great service to the community as it could prevent drinking and driving and it would also prevent those encounters at the local Wal-mart and Kroger with the Mommy that perhaps hit the sauce a little too hard that morning and is now purchasing nothing but pizza rolls, frozen pizza, potato chips and Little Debbie treats and juice boxes as the weeks groceries. It would also improve the lives of those who don't partake in the "devils water" because the lines would move faster since sober women can unload their carts much faster than the drunk ones can. I swear it took a woman in front of me one time nearly twenty minutes to unload her cart because she kept dropping her items and couldn't quit giggling every time she would bend down to pick up her item and stand back up she obviously got some sort of head rush. Although I will admit it was entertaining to watch it got irritating after about ten minutes. What was even funnier is I checked out after her with many more groceries and she was still in the parking lot trying to load her purchases into her car when I got to the parking lot. This was entertaining as well but I couldn't stick around to see if she ever actually accomplished this task. I felt at the time as much as I wanted to stay and watch I thought it best to be on my way home and hopefully off of the road before she fired up her ignition. Another benefit is I would under no circumstances open my business prior to noon as I have always heard that drinking before noon is considered taboo and it means you have an issue. I just know this is a business that could take off and make me millions. Just think about the job security it would have. It would be nearly as good as being a nurse or doctor since they say there will always be sick people. Or a lawyer because we live in a litigious society or a teacher since someone has to teach our kids to read (especially since mommy is too sauced up to). Well as far as I can tell we will always have drunks and call me cynical but as long as there are children and husbands I don't know of any woman who hasn't occasionally thought about how great a little "happy mommy sauce" would be on any given weekday afternoon? I mean I wouldn't just cater to the hardcore line dancing drink a man under the table women I would offer the foo foo drinks to those ladies just looking to take the edge off the day. Just a little something to calm the nerves before the kids come flying off the school bus or the hubby pulls in the drive asking what's for dinner. I really feel that this idea could improve marriages and make mommy time a whole lot more pleasant for the kids. There would be no losing your patience while working on homework and you wouldn't even care if they made their stupid beds. I am sure boyfriends and husbands would be much happier because everyone knows that alcohol tends to cause women to let down their guard and feel rather amorous. Frankly I think it is a great idea that would benefit the entire family. I still need to spend some more time figuring out what to name it. So if you have any suggestions I open to all ideas or if you can think of what songs I could play on the new mobile sanity vehicle to lure the women away from their washing machines, dishwashers and vacuum cleaners I will consider those ideas as well. And for those critics out their who would suggest that some women would possibly tip the bottle a little too much I say this to you. At least she won't be drinking and driving. And what husband or kid would complain that they were fed pizza, potato chips and a side of Little Debbie Nutty Bars for dinner. Not to mention that hubby wouldn't even care if the house was cleaned or not since his potential to have some of his own quality time with is lady would increase ten fold. So I am really having a hard time seeing a down side to this. Just the sheer joy of this job would be great I mean you would be viewed as something along the lines of Santa Claus of the Easter Bunny spreading joy happiness and most of all sanity where ever your wheels take you. And for you women out their who not interested in consuming alcohol because your lives, husbands and children are just sooooo flipping perfect well I could employ you. That way you could see how the rest of the non perfect people live. Please leave all suggestions in the comment section or on my facebook. I will post job openings as soon as they are available but for now I really need to go as I have to do some research about how to obtain a liquor license. Until next time ladies "Cheers!!!"

Who Knew Dead Mice Could Fly???

OMG I never ever thought I would be so happy to see Monday come! The last two weekends has convinced me that I must have been a really terrible person in a previous life or something. I am thinking perhaps I was Bruce Ismay (the dude who told the Captain of the Titanic to speed up the ship thereby killing all those people.) Or maybe I was Lizzy Borden or something. So the entire week was crazy busy with the big old Pumpkin Show in town. On Wednesday after dropping Drake off at is new internship at the Columbus Museum of Art on the ride home I had to pee really really bad and having a bit of a phobia of public restroom facilities I decided to call my brother Brent who lives downtown to see if I could swing in to use his nice clean non-public facility. Brent said he was home and to come on by I fly down and illegally park my vehicle and nearly run to his door which is hard to do when you legs are crossed! I run in past Brent headed for the bathroom and take a tumble down the stairs twisting my ankle into a position that God did not intend for it to go. Crying in pain and limping on my quest for a toilet to alleviate myself of what is left of the pee that didn't come out when the pain shot through my body. I have to nearly crawl back up the stairs at Brent's while his lovely little dog Milo is jumping on me and licking my face repeatedly I finally make my way to his couch so he can take a look at my ankle that I am convinced is broken. Upon Dr. Brent's examination he determines it is not broken perhaps severely sprained. He says I should get home stay off my foot and put ice on it. I explain to him that this is not an option for me as I have to get my great niece Paige ready for the Little Miss Pumpkin Show contest and take her through the parade. (she didn't win by the way) This little bathroom break caused me to hobble around the Pumpkin Show for the next two days in two different ankle braces at the same time. See I had to go to the Pumpkin Show on Thursday as well because I promised my Momma that I could take her down to see the OSU Marching Band in the parade. Plus even if my ankle was broke I was not going to miss a chance to see my Buckeyes the best damn band in the land!! So I spent another entire day at Pumpkin Show with my lame foot pushing my Momma in a wheelchair which was an intriguing site to see! I can say I am grateful that my sissy Jan is nuts and had chairs already set up in the parade route before six am that morning so I at least had a place to sit for the next eight hours (between food runs that is) Food runs you say well my diet for Thursday consisted of the following: corn dog, french fries, steak on-a-stick, fried cheese, deep fried strawberries, pumpkin pie, pumpkin donuts, kettle corn, and this yummy baked thing called a Bee Sting, which I will say is a little piece of heaven on a plate! After the parade and wrestling my mother in her wheel chair through the insane crowd and getting her home and back to my house which was nearly midnight. I realized that I forgot that I had made plans with one of my best girl friends Jonda for a day of shopping on Friday. I guess there really is no rest for the wicked! It should go without saying that considering my diet choices on Thursday I woke up on Friday with just a wee bit of stomach trouble. My stomach was so bloated it looked as though I were at least five months pregnant I was beginning to wonder if I should start picking out baby names. I felt like death warmed over is it possible to have a food hangover? Even with my gimp foot and the sudden onset of IBS I was not going to miss the opportunity to shop with my girl. It had only been like twenty years since we had a day to ourselves without husbands or kids and just the two of us. We had a great time in spite of my stomach interrupting our conversation occasionally throughout the day. Jonda brought me home and came in to say hello to Tony. She asked if she could use the restroom before leaving to go home. I told her to go in and use the master bath (the recently remodeled one that only took me ten years to get Tony to do and I am so proud of) Tony informs us that she can't use the master bath because there is some "plumbing issues" in there she needs to use the boys bathroom which, is the equivalent of using a public restroom at a truck stop since I haven't been in there to clean for the past three days and my children are pigs. I asked Tony what was going on in the bathroom and he said the toilet won't flush and the seal must have broken and the bathtub won't drain as well as the sink. The whole time he is talking all I can think about is my many many visits to the restroom this morning and perhaps our outdated plumbing system wasn't equipped to handle the massive amount of Pumpkin Show poo. I of course don't mention the events of this morning to Tony as I feel he would never look at me the same way again if I were to confess my intestinal issues to him. Tony and I decide that since we do have one working bathroom we will wait to call a plumber on Saturday. I woke up on Saturday morning at five o'clock out of guilt for neglecting my household duties for three straight days and more than likely there will be a plumber arriving later today I don't want him to judge me for my dirty house. I dive right into dusting and dishes and picking up every item my children have left lying around I realize that there is dirty laundry everywhere. I decide to go ahead and start the first of what looks to be at least five loads of laundry. I swear I think my boys are like girls when getting ready. They must have tried on or worn nearly every article of clothing in there closets. Since they don't know to hang anything back up or put anything in their dressers they have clean clothes mixed with dirty clothes all over their bedrooms and bath. I have mentioned this to my children several times about them doing this and how many times I probably wash clean clothes and how much time and energy I spend on it. Peyton told me instead of doing that I should just sniff each item to see if it has an odor!! Really you want me to sniff each item huh? You think it is my duty to sniff the pits of your shirts not to mention your underwear because you all are to dag gone lazy to put your crap away. I begin my first load of laundry and as the wash cycle is ending Tony comes flying out of the bedroom asking very loudly I might add "what in the hell am I doing out here because I have flooded the bathroom." I explain that I was just doing some laundry. Apparently the washer decided to join the party and not drain either! I tell Tony to calm down I will grab the mop and bucket and clean up the flood. He says no just let him have a cup of coffee first and he will go out to the shed to get the shop vac and clean it up himself. No argument from me. After getting is coffee fix he goes out to the shed and returns with the shop vac he tells me to grab the mop and bucket and I can follow behind him to get what the shop vac doesn't pick up. This is the part where the weekend got really really I mean really seriously bad!!!! So Tony plugs in his handy dandy water sucking machine and did you know that shop vacs have some sort of exhaust on them that blow out air as the water gets sucked in? When he turns the damn thing on to begin sucking the exhaust thingy starts shooting a bunch of stuff out of it there is stuff flying everywhere clear into our bedroom. When the shop vac started shooting God knows what out of it I of course went running out of the room screaming. The next thing I know Tony is screaming and yelling for me to come back in and saying a few choice words. When I peak my head back in he says I have to come help him clean up because apparently a mouse had built a nest in the shop vac in our shed and it must have been the worlds worse mommy mouse because there are dead baby mice all over the place. OMG the thought of dead baby mice being shot out of the vac like a cannon into my bath and bedroom cause me to go running for the working toilet where I puke once again for the second weekend in a row I am vomiting!! After completing my round of bulimia I return to find Tony is still yelling and telling me to get in there and help him. Now it is my turn to be loud and let him know under no circumstances will I ever help clean up the dead mice that have been shot out all over the place. He can yell all he wants but it ain't gonna happen, not in this life or the next!!! Got it!! So let's see here the bathroom is still flooded, there are dead mice in my bathroom and bedroom I can't do dishes, I can't do laundry, I can't take a shower, I can't leave because the kids want a ride to the stupid Pumpkin Show and need more money to go on and flipping Rotor Rooter promises to be here by FOUR O'CLOCK TODAY!!! A couple of hours later after Tony has cleaned up the dead flying mice and the water from the bathroom I decide it is best if I take my book and sit outside away from him otherwise I fear there could be a murder suicide or at the very least a domestic disturbance call to the local sheriff and I really don't want to go to jail today since I haven't even had a shower. As I am sitting outside with my little Berlin and my good book (Nora Roberts) I am almost completely calmed down from the earlier trauma I have suffered when two vehicles pull into my driveway. I am thinking if these are Jehovah Witnesses they are going to get an earful from me. I am in no mood for visitors and certainly not in the mood to discuss the Lord! He and I are obviously on the outs it appears! When all of the people spill out of the vehicles I see that it is my sister in law Tonya, her son Zach with his wife and new baby, her son Austin as well as her youngest son Jayden! Did I mention that my sister in law Tonya I think has OCD and has the cleanest most organized home I have ever been in in my entire life. I don't even like to visit her house because it is way to clean and organized and I fear I would leave an ass print on her couch or perhaps I would have lint or a stray hair on her perfectly vacuumed carpet or leave a foot print on her perfectly polished hardwood floor. Seriously I wanna know what contest in hell I have won??? I tell Tonya that we are having plumbing issues to explain why I am sitting in my dirty sweats and bed head sans make up. She says that's okay we just wanted to stop in and show you my new grandbaby. She inquires about what our plumbing trouble is and I explain that the master bath kitchen and laundry room won't drain anything she says "oh really I haven't even seen your master bath since Tony remodeled it." Lord help me she shows up today to see it I mean it has only been done for over a year. Even with my humiliation I am grateful that at least there aren't dead baby mice lying all over the room. We make our way to the family room so that Tony and I can oooh and ahhhh over the new baby (who is absolutely beautiful by the way) and Tonya starts talking about her new room addition the just finished. She is talking about how hard it was to decide on rather to put carpet or hardwood. She was talking about now stressful it was picking out her sofa should she go with leather or not and what color and what a headache it has been!! Really your stressing over buying new furniture for your brand new custom built addition meanwhile down in Jamiville I am concerned that my toilet may very well be blown off of its base at any moment and shit will be flying out like Ole Faithful and I have had dead mice coming at me like they were being shot out of a cannon and your stressed!!! Tonya and her crew finally leave and the phone rings we run to get it and it is Rotor Rooter saying they are running a little behind (I kind of got that since it was already 4:30) therefore missing their promised deadline of 4:00. Rotor Rooter finally shows up at nearly 7:00 pm to address my plumbing problem. Two and a half hours later and $350.00 poorer they finally leave. So at 9:30 pm I begin cleaning up the wake of the plumbing issue in my bathroom until nearly one a.m. I can tell you that there is not a surface in my master bath that has not been scrubbed down no less than three times with boiling bleach water and doused with Lysol. I did manage to get my shower eventually and got myself to bed at two o'clock in the morning on Sunday. Well what lessons have I learned through this traumatic weekend? 1.) Dead mice can fly and at a very high rate of speed. 2.) Shit doesn't always run downhill . 3.) It is possible to heal a sprained ankle without rest or ice. 4.) Consuming vast amounts of Pumpkin Show food can cost you not just intestinally but up to $350.00 for Rotor Rooter. 5.)Murphy's law is real believe me!! Yet I can still say some good of this weekend. My Buckeyes kicked Purdue's butt and Oklahoma lost and my master bath and bedroom are probably cleaner than they have ever ever been! And just remember folks even if your day isn't going well it could be worse you could be me!

Smelly Cat Part II

Well if you read yesterday's blog you know my morning didn't go so well. One friend of mine commented after reading it that the day could only get better from there????? Now folks I love her and all and appreciate her positive outlook however failed it was but she lied to me. So after my traumatic morning dealing with kitty crap and on set of bulimic behavior I realized that I had forgotten that I had made an eye appointment for Peyton in Grove City. He kept telling me he was having trouble seeing the board at school and blamed his lack of good grades on his eyesight!! Yeah I am gonna fall for this one again. Granted in his defense sometime last year the school sent home a paper (I think this was the only one he actually brought home to show me) that said they recommend that I have his eyes checked. Personally I didn't take the school letter all that seriously since I am of the belief that the school systems are in cahoots with the local optometrist much like the drug companies and doctors are with the HMO's. But I will save my conspiracy theories for another blog. Instead of stressing about the forgotten eye appointment I hurried myself along and decided by using wicked driving skills I could make it from Stoutsville to Grove City in about 38 minutes which included a stop to pick up sissy. I figured while we were waiting for Peyton's eyeglasses to be made we could do lunch and some retail therapy to help me work through the pain of the tragedy I suffered earlier. Not much can happen that a little shopping wont fix. Oh yeah and for those of you who read yesterdays blog I did find the cure to remove the smell of cat poo burned into your nostrils. Step 1 put some water, cinnamon and vanilla in a large saucepan and bring to a boil then stick your head over it and sniff. Step 2 after you consume half a can of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls you suddenly had a hankerin for get out the Folgers black silk coffee and put out a line of it on your cutting board grab a crazy straw and snort. This not only clears the sinuses of any lingering cat poo it gives you much needed energy to make all of your appointment on time. Now I really need you to listen here before I go on with the rest of this story. For over a week now I have been warning Tony that my fancy dancy SUV has been giving me all kinds of warning messages. There have been so many lights and bells and dings that it was beginning to feel a lot like Christmas in my truck. Each time I mentioned this (which was everyday sometimes 3 or 4 times a day) his response was "well yeah I need to call Firestone and have it looked at) My pretty red tank will warn you of just about everything it will even tell you exactly what the problem is. I just wish GM with all their foo foo warning options would have put one in there that warned you that someone was going to pass gas on your heated seats. The lack of this warning option has nearly caused me to go off roading on a few occasions a cooked fart is nearly as noxious as cat poo when it hits you in the face. Oh but on with the story. So I picked up Scooter to go with me and Peyton and Peyton's friend whom I didn't have time to run home before the appointment. We get to the Eyeglass factory exactly one minute late get through the appointment. The eye guy informs me it will be about two hours before the glasses will be ready. This is perfectly fine with me as it allows more time for retail therapy. Not to mention the fact the glasses were much cheaper than I had anticipated. This leaves me with an additional eighty eight dollars and change that Tony won't ask about. Look out Target here I come!! Peyton and his friend decided they wanted Chipolte for lunch and Jan and I decided we would do O'Charley's as I was craving the free rolls they offer. Fortunately for me these two restaurants are right next door to each other so the kids could get what they want and sissy and I can have some kid free conversation. Upon seating ourselves in the bar area so Sissy can keep an eye on the game scores I know this isn't going to be good when I spot our waiter walking towards the table proudly wearing his "ahem" Michigan Jersey!! Yikes! When the waiter steps away from the table I warn her that she is to keep her mouth shut at least until all of our food is on the table. For fear that Go Blue boy will hide a hocker under the cheese of my potato skins. Sissy agrees to keep her Buckeye lovin mouth shut until our food is safe. Before we can even get our meal on the table here comes Peyton and his friend. They must have had a race at Chipotle to see who could eat the fastest. So much for adult conversation!! We make it through the meal and put our money in the little faux leather folder and when Go Blue boy comes to retrieve it Sissy just can't help herself says to him "don't bother with change I left you a nice tip so you can go and buy a real shirt." OMG no she didn't. She just couldn't keep her mouth shut. To which go blue boy responds yeah I think I will get the away Jersey next time. Holy crap I need to get her out of the restaurant before a UFC fight breaks out in O'Charley's. I get everyone loaded into my tank announce that Target it our next stop. I put big red in reverse hit the gas and a sound or I should say many sounds come from my truck and I am convinced that I have just ran over a person in a wheel chair or something. Holy Toledo I think it is broke for real this time. I try to make my way around the back of O'Charley's to avoid the crowd of people that is now staring at my big red tank. I pull into a spot and call Tony! Of course he doesn't answer his phone so I keep trying on the fourth try he finally answers sounding perturbed. "What do you want? I am trying to take a bath!!" Well honey so sorry to bother you during your kid free garden tubbed bubble bath but remember all those warning lights and bells in our truck. Well not only can you tell something is wrong from inside the truck but now everyone at O'Charley's as well as Chipotle, Steak and Shake and Walmart no something is wrong. Tony says "well darnit Jami I was getting ready to head to Chillicothe to bowl a few games before the Buckeyes come on." Well that's just too dag gone bad now it looks like you are coming to Grove City instead if you ever ever want to have quality time with me...if you get my drift. I inform him that I will take the truck over to Firestone and he can meet me there. He informs me that I am not to say anything to the Firestone guys because of me having boobs and all. That they will rip me off and not take me seriously. He emphasizes this is not a chauvinistic comment just a fact. Oh really!! I drop Sissy and the kids at Target then head across the street to Firestone. Where as usual I don't listen to Tony's advice about the boob thing and I go inside to talk to Mike to explain my dilemma. I explain to him that my husband is on his way and he will come in to talk about the truck since apparently my breast render me incapable of deciphering that something is wrong with my vehicle. Firestone Mike not listening like most men ask me what happened with the truck. So I explain it like this. "Well Mike I was backing out of O'Charley's over there across the street. And my truck made a really really ugly sound and then when I put it in drive it made some different kinds of ugly sounds. Firestone Mike says "what kinds of sounds." Seriously you want me to add sound affects. Okey dokey it was sort of like this in reverse it went kkkkkracithks thunk. But in drive it goes sssssshhhrqu tink tink tink sssshhhhhrqu. At this point I have the entire waiting area of Firestone staring at me. I explain that my husband will be in and to let him know I have gone to Target and to pick me up there. Tony must have decided to take his sweet time with his bath because I managed to make it all the way through Target and out and into Bath and Body Works before he shows up. I had to have John come and get sissy since Tony's truck isn't a eight person passenger vehicle and I don't think sissy will want to ride home sitting on a circular saw and level. When I get into Tony's truck he explains that Firestone is going to see what all is wrong with the truck and fix it. We should be able to pick it up tomorrow. (which is now today). He says that Mike is going to call him to let him know what the damage will be. Thank God Mike didn't call until we pulled into the driveway at home. Where he quoted a price of $2,008.72 for the repairs. What on earth was wrong that could cost that much you may ask. Well I don't know exactly I do know there was something with a wheel baring or bearing and some hydraulic stuff that involves flushing of stuff and rotor stuff and really all I know is my truck will no longer sound like the sound affects of my son's video games. And I can put some gas in it and go to Target without drawing a crowd and really that is all I need to know. Being as I have boobs and all. Tony and I did manage to get to Chillicothe to squeeze in two games of speed bowling (and I beat him at one game even with my boobs), Peyton got his new glasses (I will assume this means he will be on the honor roll now right?) and the family made it home safely just in time to watch nearly three hours of the Buckeyes getting their butts kicked by a bunch of cheese heads who talk like New Yorkers with sinus infections. Maybe if they would do a line or two of Folgers Black Silk coffee they wouldn't talk to nasally.... you think? And as for you Sherry my lovely FB friend even when you feel it can only get better you can be wrong my dear....very very wrong. I will blame the Buckeye loss on Sissy for not keeping her mouth shut to go blue boy at O'Charley's. I will blame the truck problem on Tony for not listening to me about the warnings. See if everyone would just listen to me life would be sooooo much easier I really believe that. Now I have to go so I can right to GM about installing the heated seat fart warning system on my truck. Now that I would pay $3,000.00 dollars to have installed!

Smelly Cat Smelly Cat What are We Feeding You?

So I awake this lovely Saturday morning after sleeping in until the late hour of 6:38 am. I grab my giant purple Barney robe before opening the bedroom door because only my own family has to suffer seeing my bra less night shirted self. I do not inflict this visual onto my sons friends who are lying somewhere in my home. Upon opening my bedroom door I am hit in the face with a stench so overwhelming I am sent running so fast to the "loo" that my giant Barney robe is flapping behind me like I am some sort of super hero. The horrific smell that hit my nostrils was so overwhelming that by 6:42 I had completed the task of ridding my body of last nights Buffalo Wild Wings (and potato wedges with cheese and bacon) oh yeah and celery and ranch. My body ridded (yeah it's a word my Momma uses it and I think George W. does too) itself of last nights dinner via the north bound route rather than the south. If you have had enough coffee this morning you know what I mean. If you didn't here it is "I PUKED." Now let me tell you puking is not a good way to begin your weekend. If it weren't for the early hour of my bulimic episode and my Momma's recent illness she would have got a call. After I cleaned up brushed my teeth and held the Listerine in my mouth for a full two minutes (which could actually be a new torture method they could use to get information from suspected terrorists) I began the exit from my bedroom once again. Only this time with a big wad of Stride gum in my mouth and a holey towel tied around my face making it appear that I was wearing something close to resembling a Burka only in a brighter color. Now you will have to pardon my french here but something in my home shit himself. I just needed to do a little investigating to find out who had emanated such a foul odor. Tony could not be my prime suspect in this case due to the fact that the smell was not in our bedroom. It had to be one of the other males in our house. Either my own children, my children's friends or the stupid male dogs in the house. After making my way through the house and discovering that the smell only decreased when I moved away from my formal living room where no male species could be found. I realized that it wasn't any male in our home that had caused this noxious odor but my sweet little Berlin. My pretty little girl kitty cat. This odor was actually created by something that didn't even have testicles. Let me explain. I am ever so grateful that Tony and I didn't not have a daughter if Tony's mothering of this little girl kitten is any indication of his behavior for the opposite sex. As you all know we live in the country and have a multitude of "critters" that wreak havoc on occasion in "our neck of the woods" as Al Roker would say. The most recent havoc is that it seems the raccoon possy has issued some sort of death warrant with a reward against our newest family member Berlin. Since we have adopted our new little girl each morning we go out to find raccoon prints (it is soooo sad that I can now identify a raccoon print from an opossum print) on and around a porch and the "cat house" we have outside. Each morning Berlin appears on the porch looking like one of those scary Halloween cats with her hair sticking up looking like she is suffering from PTSD. Tony said that she is probably terrorized every night by the stupid raccoon possy and we need to allow her to sleep inside until she is full grown and able to defend herself. Riiiiiiiiight? I explained to him that as much as I love our new little addition I am not about to have a cat running loose in my home while I am trying to sleep. So Tuesday night Tony arrives home with what he considers the solution to the problem. He purchased a kitty kennel and a little kitty bed to put in it. He says we can bring her in a night and allow her to sleep inside all safe and sound from the wildlife outside as well as our Jack Russell Boswell who I say hates her and acts like he is going to eat her alive when he spots her. I agree that this might work and I will say that it has UNTIL TODAY!! It would seem that Tony perhaps brought Berlin into her little indoor kitty condo just a wee bit too early last night. And I ask you once again to please pardon my french but Berlin shit all over her newly constructed kitty condo and to this moment I am still baffled as to how something so small and cute and innocent looking could create such a smell. Now mind you this is being typed by a mother of three sons whom I will note is married to a construction worker for crying out loud. I really didn't think there was any smell left on this earth that could cause instantaneous vomiting, but there is apparently. I am still in awe of it even after dousing my carpet with carpet fresh and going through and entire bottle of Febreeze and half a can of Lysol I can still smell it. And to think that something that doesn't even have testicles could do something so foul. I am now wondering if there is some sort of gas that is emitted from kitty shit that burns itself into your nostrils and that smell stays with you for life!! Will I ever smell the sweet aroma of any chocolate based treat again...will I ever smell the sweet scent of my Momma's homemade rolls and pumpkin pie?( (by the way if on Thanksgiving this year if you find yourself without Pumpkin Pie Spice my Momma's spice cabinet is plum full of it just come over she can give you some) Is this years Thanksgiving feast going to be ruined by the fact that I will have to go on memory of the smells of the past? I even lifted Tony's Afrin bottle from is drawer and sniffed it down to see if it would rid my nostrils of this odor. Approximately four hours later it hasn't. Now I remember one time watching Dr. Phil and there were these men on there with there wives and the issue of the day was that these men after watching there wives give birth had lost all sexual drive and could not find themselves attracted to her any more. When I watched this show I was so appalled and angry with these men. How could they? This woman had done something completely natural and they found her to be repulsive. What pigs? Well brothers I am sooooo sorry I am feelin ya. I can't bring myself to even look at our new addition to the family let alone pick her up and cuddle with her. Another question; How in the hell do you bathe a cat? I tried rubbing her down with Dryer sheets and I thought she was going to claw my eyes out. I heard they don't like water now what? Well I suppose on the bright side if this stench doesn't work it's way out of my nose I will have discovered a new diet. Because with this smell I don't think I can ever ever ever eat again. Maybe I should write a new diet book it would be real short and I could call it "The Smelly Cat Shit Diet" (oops sorry french again) I could make millions then maybe I could afford some sort of surgery to restore my "ole factory" sense again. Not to mention I could hire one of those companies whom come into your home after some sort of tragedy like a murder or a fire and remove all traces of said tragedy from your home. As for now the kitty condo with poo laden furnishing is sitting in my front yard and I am going to wait until one of the creatures with testicles in my home awaken and they are going to have to deal with extricating the comfy shit (sorry) covered kitty bed from the condo. I can then douse the actual condo with Lysol and used Tony's power washer on it. I would be willing to bet that when we put the poo covered kitty bed in the trash today there won't be any raccoons lurking around there tonight. I know one thing for sure and that is Berlin is not going to be brought into he kitty condo tonight until a much much later hour because I have absolutely no intention of beginning my Sunday morning by vomiting like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. And if this smell doesn't leave my nose by Monday I am going to head to my local high school first thing and see what the kids are "huffing" or sniffing" these days and try to purchase some for myself. Because frankly the thought of never ever again smelling chocolate and home baked good again is worth risking a little jail time. And if I did get busted I would just roll around in cat poo before they took me in. This would insure that I would not become some big ole mean girls "lady friend" during my incarceration. Plus being imprisoned and likely in solitairy confinement would allow me to work on that new diet book...it would certainly be quieter than my house.

Don't Wait Until it is Dark!

Well since I was a little lippy yesterday I thought today I would try to play nice. This morning when I got the family up and out the door I began my bible study. I actually got it this morning must have been the extra scoop I put in the coffee maker. So I thought I would share it with you all. As I have gotten a little older my profound moments are fewer and farther between. I was reading Luke 2: 41-45 Every year Jesus' parents went to Jerusalem for the Passover festival. When Jesus was twelve years old, they attended to festival as usual. After the celebration was over, they started home to Nazareth, but Jesus stayed behind in Jerusalem. His parents didn't miss him at first, because they assumed he was with friends among the other traveler's. But when he didn't show up that evening they started looking for him among the friends and relatives. When they couldn't find him they went back to Jerusalem to search for him there. After reading through this scripture a second time one verse really struck me. "His parents didn't miss him at first, but when he didn't show up that evening they began looking for him" WOW. I thought about how often all of us do this when it comes to Jesus. How often we go through our days celebrating and enjoying our lives and pay no attention to rather Jesus is in the midst or not. It is sort of just a second thought we assume he is there but not really aware of his presence or lack thereof. Just like his own parents that day many of us don't bother to look for him until darkness falls. We walk through our lives and go about our days without any acknowledgment of him at all but when something bad happens and the darkness starts to surround us we realize that we need him with us. We want to know he is right there among us right there by our side. I thought about this scripture from Mary's prospective as a mother and the panic and terror she must have felt unable to find her son. I know from my own experience how scary it is when you can't locate your children in a store, mall or festival. I have experienced this myself with my own and they have cell phones. Imagine traveling by foot and being perhaps many miles from the place you last seen him and no means other than to walk back to try and locate Him. No 911 to call no amber alert being sent out. What a terrifying experience for any mother to think her child is missing. I prayed on this scripture over and over and I ask God that he make me aware and to not allow Jesus to go missing from my life. I ask him to allow me to feel that same since of panic if I start to ignore the Son and to forget how much I need him to be with me. I need him to make the entire journey with me. I don't only want him with me after the darkness falls I want him with me during the entire trip. I ask to be made aware of his presence when all is light and good and celebration is happening. When everyone is safe at home and not in the hospital or out on the road. Many of us myself included can get wrapped up in our days, our families, our schedules, our work and our chores and we forget to look for Jesus and make sure he is in the midst of it. Don't allow me to get caught up and assume he is out there somewhere among the others if I need him. Have him with me holding my hand just like I wish I could get my own children to still do. I think back on when my boys were much younger and when we went across the street, in crowds or parking lots how they would allow me to hold their little hands in mine to make sure they got to where we needed to be safely. Well God I need Jesus to old my hand and get me where I need to be safely. This caused me to think of another scripture Matthew 18:3 Then he said "unless you turn from your sins and become as little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Lord today let me become as a little child and realize that I need you to watch over me, protect me, comfort me and I need Jesus to hold my hand because as little children we need guidance and someone stronger and wiser to protect us. God I want to enter the kingdom of Heaven (not today by the way) but someday let Jesus walk with me to make sure that I take the right path and keep me from the danger of sin that leads away from Heaven. Oh and another thing God I promise not to mount speakers to the trees during deer season. I will behave and not interfere even though I still think it is a terrorist attack. Amen!

Poor neighbor Poor Bambi!!

Well let's see what hasn't happened in the last week. Not much I can most certainly say that. Now let me give you a little piece of advice. If you ever find yourself in a situation where you need to go to your neighbors house to lodge a complaint I suggest you first find out what kind of week said neighbor has had. Let me also preface this blog by saying Peyton is fifty percent Pettibone and fifty percent McComas therefore the likelihood that any of my children would make it through life without presenting their parents with a little embarrassment is highly unlikely. My Saturday morning began with a call telling me my eighteen year old nephew was in ICU in a hospital in Alabama following a horrible auto accident. By three thirty in the morning on Sunday my mother had been in the hospital because she was having hallucinations comparable to some sixties love child at Woodstock. Sunday afternoon I received a call that my brothers partner had lost his forty nine year old sister. Monday afternoon my sister informs me a very close family friend has been hospitalized out of state. So the timing of my neighbors arrival was not really optimal to say the least. So here it is okay well last week Peyton and a friend ask if they could go out and walk in the woods next to our house and do what they call "creeking" after discussion with Tony and I they were permitted to go into the woods next to our house for one hour. One our later when I am sitting outside on the porch playing with my new kitten Berlin the boys returned of course covered in mud and laughing. When I asked what was so funny Peyton informed me that while exploring the woods they discovered video cameras on some of the trees and my little angel says that he mooned one of the cameras. I of course admonished him for doing something so stupid. I pointed out that this was probably one of our neighbors who placed those cameras and in all likelihood he just showed his butt to our fellow country dwellers. I told him that is not how he should act and that it was disrespectful and gave him the entire Mommy lecture he apologized and said he would not do it again. Riiiiiiight!! So after my week of nothing but bad news my twenty something neighbor shows up at my door with papers in hand. I immediately remember what Peyton told me last week. So I was not caught off guard and I had a pretty good suspicion of what the papers in his hand were before I opened the door. I opened the door and my neighbor immediately hands me the a picture of my son and ask if I know who this is. I said yep I know who it is and so do you that is Peyton. He then hands me the second picture this one is a different view...showing his back side. I told him I was very sorry that I already knew about what he had done and had already spoken to him about it. My neighbor then says "well I a not very happy about this at all", I said well I am not exactly jumping for joy over what he did either, so I am not sure what you want me to do here. He said well I am just very unhappy and upset about it I told him to join the club. My neighbor then says he almost called the sheriff but decided to come and talk to me first. Really you were going to call the sheriff and make a report that a twelve year old mooned you huh? This is when I snapped I said by all means call the sheriff because if you can be arrested in this county for showing your ass then we are going to need a bigger jail. And Walmart will be out of business because everyone will be sitting in lock up. And frankly neighbor when my biggest problem is having some adolescent moon my deer camera I won't be pounding on anyone's door proclaiming to be very upset I would instead be jumping for joy. Because in all honesty you caught me on a really really bad day and the fact that my son now had his butt on film is the least of my worries. Now like I said I apologize for his behavior but in the bigger picture of life I hate to say it I find it rather insignificant in light of all the other things going on in my life right now. Once he left deciding he was getting no where with a hormonal woman with raging PMS I of course kept pondering over his reaction. I am sorry but I got to thinking and here it is. Now it is soon to be deer season in our fine county. I have lived with the rituals of deer season and all the preparation of it for over twelve years I have lived down here in the sticks. It is actually quite funny to me how much preparation goes into this so called sport. I may be wrong here but I don't really think it is a sport. The way I see it God gave man the intelligence to rule over the animals of this planet. So just by creation we have an advantage. And I admire those old hunters who went out into the wilderness and hunted to provide food and clothing for their families on foot or horseback armed with either bow and arrow or shotgun. But hunting now has become something very very different. Now I watch my neighbors preparing weeks in advance for the season. Now they set up tree stands, lure them in with salt lick set up cameras and ride four wheelers into the woods armed with high powered guns and they call it sport. Really? Now you can sit at home watching your computer and wait for the deer to appear on your screen so you don't have to sit out in the cold for hours. Then you run outside hop on your ATV headed right for the trap you set climb into your tree stand and shoot! All this preparation for an animal who's most likely cause of death is collision with a vehicle. This is an animal who is too stupid to get out of the way when they spot the headlights of my three thousand pound vehicle coming straight at them. So neighbor as for you being upset about my son's butt on your camera well here is what I am upset about. I am upset that for the entire length of deer season I can not utilize my family room with the big screen tv in it. Because of the blast of the guns that have me hitting the deck as if I am in the middle of a war zone. Also because I fear you good ole boys may have had one too many Bud Lights at home watching football and the computer screen simultaneously and your aim is off pointed directly at my house. So perhaps I would be a little more remorseful for my son's actions if you all would hunt like the real men used to. Back when they used patience and skill. Back when they would get up early and sit for hours in the cold and silence waiting for Bambi to show up. Then if they were lucky enough to get a kill they then had to carry it home to skin it and prepare it on foot. They didn't just load it on the trailer hooked to the ATV and tear through the farmers field. Back when just being a man gave them enough advantage to provide food for the family. They didn't do it by setting traps weeks in advance, they didn't mount camera's to trees they didn't have tree stands and ATV's. They walked, they waited, the used skill and patience they were real men. So as disappointed and upset as you are my friend please know that I am every bit as disappointed in you for calling yourself a hunter. And actually if my son's actions in any way interfered with your planned terrorist attack on Bambi then I am quite happy. Perhaps later today I will even venture into the woods and give you something to really look at. Better yet I think I will go down sit on SR 22 and record the sounds of all those guns being fired at the gun range. I will then go out in the woods and mount speakers right next to your cameras to blast the recording into the woods during deer season. The will see how well you do this season. Okay that is all I have to say on that. I can only hope the raging PMS subsides sometime soon. I can report my nephew pulled through although with a long recovery ahead. My mom made it home from the hospital and blood work shows she does not have LSD in her system. My family friend made it home from the hospital out of state and everyone is recovering well. I need to go for now so I can go find a good recording device and get to Best Buy to see if I can find some tree mount speakers. Until next time let us all try not to show our asses either figuratively or literally.

A little different but worth reading!

Yesterday afternoon I got a phone call from my brother Brent. His partner had just received a phone call that his forty nine year old sister had passed away. This was just one of many phone calls this past week I had received delivering bad news. The first phone call I got on Saturday morning was to tell me that my eighteen year old nephew Austin had been in a very serious auto accident and was in critical condition with a skull fracture, brain swelling and a laundry list of other breaks and contusions. Then another phone call at around three in the morning on Sunday from my sister stating that she was at Mom's and they had called the squad to take my Mom to the hospital. Brent said that he just left the house with his partner where the family had gathered to mourn together and comfort each other. Brent was very upset not just about the passing of his partner's sister but about what the daughter of the deceased has said to him. The young girl who just lost her mother was crying and hugging my brother and then said to my brother, "Brent I know my Momma wasn't perfect, she wasn't even really good a lot of the time but, do you think she will still get to heaven?" This statement nearly broke my brothers heart as it did mine when he told me. Brent ask me what I thought about it. I told him that I believe that I serve a loving and forgiving God. I feel God through his son Jesus Christ gives us every opportunity to repent of our sin and seek his forgiveness. I feel he gives us this opportunity even unto our last breath on earth. I would just have to trust that she took advantage of the opportunity and is now with him in heaven. I then told him that instead of being sad about the girl's statement let it serve him and to all of us as a reminder. How very very sad that this poor young woman is now without her mother to comfort her and see her grow. Saddest of all if that on top of losing her that she has to question rather she is in heaven. I told my brother let this be a lesson to make sure that we don't leave this earth and our loved ones behind with that questions in their minds. Let this terrible loss be used for God's glory to make those of us still here a little better. So that on that day when each of us goes to meet our maker and answer for the things we have done. That our friends and family left behind will of course be sad at our passing but also comforted that we have gone some place much better. When I came home exhausted from the difficulties of the last couple of days I hit my knees to pray. I asked God to please allow me to live in the awareness of his spirit each and everyday I have. So that on that day when my journey here is through that those people gathered to mourn will also be gathered to celebrate in the knowledge that I am with the one I have served. I pray this for all people I pray that each day we get the conviction of the holy spirit on our lives and we conduct ourselves in a way that will not cause our family and friends to question our eternal soul and our salvation. During this last difficult week and weekend I nearly got sucked in to the ways of the world. I was beginning to see so much sadness, ugliness, mean spiritedness and was close to thinking...if you can't beat em....join em. Needless to say after that call I changed my way of thinking. If today were my last day I sure don't want to spend it being anything less than what God would have me be. So my prayer for today is not just for me but for all of us. God guide us, lead us to where you would have us to be, let us be compassionate, kind, forgiving and loving to one another. Don't allow our hearts to judge, our tongues to harm, our hands to destroy anything that you created. And above all God thank you for your son Jesus and the sacrifice you made for all of us. Oh and one more thing God...you know I am ornery I hope you understand and I would really like a few more funny stories and misadventures that I can share with others. And I promise God I won't beat em...I won't join em...but I will try to make em' laugh. Love and blessings to all!!

A little kitty and little wood (don't be perverted)

Well my new family member is still working out. She has survived nearly two weeks at our humble abode AKA The Wild Kingdom as my sister's like to call it. I will tell you our new addition has caused a little extra work on my part. Between my two dogs, the new cat, the raccoon, the opossum, the ground hog, and the giant chicken hawks I can happily report everyone is alive and well. Due to the addition of Berlin to the family every morning begins now with me being on wild animal control in our front yard. At approximately six am each morning I have to don my big purple robe and go out on wild animal patrol to make sure it is safe to have Berlin exit her house. I then have to scoop her up and hold her while Tony releases the hounds (Buster and Boswell) I have to hold Berlin in one arm and hold the broom in the other to fend of Boswell from attacking poor Berlin and vice versa. This I will tell you is a whole bunch of fun trying to hold onto a cat that is hissing and clawing trying to get at the dog and the dog is jumping up and baring his teeth. I do feel blood pressure meds are in my near future if this is to become my new morning ritual. Part two requires me screaming at Buster to stay in the front where I can see him for fear that Rocky the Raccoon will attack him while I am trying to keep Berlin and Boswell from attacking each other. I will say this does serve as a great excuse for me not to do any type of cardio exercise though because in my head I am sure my heart rate is at optimal fat burning speed before I ever even get my first cup of coffee. This makes sense doesn't it? Just tell me I am right and get it over with! After getting the dogs back inside and Berlin safe I feed her which immediately sends her into some form of hysteria running all over the front yard and up and down every tree in the yard. Then she positions herself under Tony's truck to catch her breathe. She does this just about the time Tony is ready to leave for work. So once again I am back outside in my giant Barney robe trying to coax her out from under the truck so Tony can leave. I am not sure if I have told you Tony is not well known for his patience. He is under the impression that all the planets and all the people and animals should fall in line and work around his schedule. I feel this may be a sign of insanity for him as he has been married to me after all for nearly two decades. Why on earth he would get the impression that things go as planned after all these years I will never figure out! OMG I think my ADD just kicked in I totally forgot to mention the most amazing discovery I had yesterday. Let me tell you first that I am married to a contractor/carpenter. All of you ladies know what this means. I have the ugliest most unfinished house on the street. Although I have managed to get at least part of Peyton's bedroom remodel finished. I had to do this my draping everything in plastic and forcing my sweet baby to sleep on the couch for the last three weeks. I began working on the nail holes and plastering BB holes, and some larger ones that I am sure came from some sort of automatic weapon like perhaps an AK47 or something. I was hoping this would be enough to get Tony moving and actually finish the project. Especially since Peyton sleeping and playing his videos on Tony's prized new plat screen television. My plan did not work...that is until I purchase the paint and began to paint the room myself. When Tony discovered that I was trying my hand at painting he finally painted the room in less than an hour!!!! One hour yeah I have been waiting for three weeks and sweating and you do this in an hour. Since Tony was so kind as to do the painting finally I thought I would help out by installing the new closet organizer that I stole from my Mom's basement to keep the remodel going. So yesterday morning after everyone left I grab my drill, screwdriver, hammer (just in case) and level and try to begin the installation of this closet system. All I have to say for this system is unless you want to drive yourself totally coo coo don't buy one. To install this damn thing you would need sixteen hands and an engineering degree from MIT to actually be able to get this done. After struggling for over an hour and half with this system from hell. I gave up I went into the other closet and seen that Tony had used wood to create shelves in other closets. This looked much easier. I went in got dressed in my very best Pickaway County housewife attire (big ugly t-shirt, big ugly jeans, tennis shoes and a pony tail) and took my domestic butt to Sutherlands. This is where the great discovery was made!! OMG it is my own little nirvana they will cut wood for you if you have the measurements. This is my greatest discovery yet. See I have asked Tony on multiple occasions to show me how to use the big power tools. Or at least a couple of the saws and he always points out that perhaps it is not the best idea for me to be using tools that have the ability to cut off my hands and or fingers while home alone is not a wise idea. He used to make sure he took every power tool he owned to work with him. Now he has started leaving some of them in our shed at home he only does this now because he knows that I will no longer enter our shed. Last month a snake was discovered right inside the shed door on two different occasions. The first one by Tony who did actually manage to kill it. But two days later when I went to get something there was another one. So now given my, what Tony's classifies as irrational fear of snakes (just because one time I launched myself butt first out of a window six feet off the ground screaming and crying) he knows he can put anything in that shed and I will never ever ever for all of my days on earth enter it again!!!! But that will no longer keep me from attempting to remodel the house, thanks to this new discovery. I don't need his stinking power tools he can put them in the shed if wants I will not be stopped!!! I will be like those do it yourselfers on HGTV. Even though he won't admit it to me I know he was really impressed when I showed him the new shelf I installed in Peyton's closet. Granted he did role his eyes when he asked what type of screws I used for the supports and I told him I kind lost patience with the drill and opted to use giant nails and a hammer instead.(see I knew from the get go that the hammer would be needed) I already have the wood cut and ready to install another one in Drake's closet this week. I also have some great plans for a few other little projects I have been asking him to do as well. The home stores not only cut rough lumber for you they will cut trim as well. I am just tickled pink and I think Tony is ready to up the dosage of his blood pressure medicine. Oh yeah and if anyone with an engineering degree and the patience of Job would like a closet organizer system I have one available I can just duct tape it all back in the box. Well folks I gotta go for now. There is a shelf needing installing and I have to figure out what to do with the rest of the two by fours and 5/8 inch plywood I have hidden in my Denali before Tony gets home. I tell you what Tony just needs to realize what a catch I am..I mean I can cook, I can clean, I have mad laundry skills and now I can even do home remodeling. Not to even mention that I can remove and install that plunger thingy in the toilets I just did that last week. He is sooooo lucky!! Until next time happy remodeling!!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats (Part II)

Okay Drake is all recovered and everyone is off to school and back to work. So back to Kittygate 2010. When I last left you I had explained the first half of my day on Friday. As I arrive home from my lone lunch and shopping adventure on Friday I have just enough time to sprinkle some carpet fresh, vacuum and spray my Febreeze so that Tony will think I have worked my little domestic hands all day long. Since it is Friday night I know that everyone in my home with testicles will be heading off to a local football game for the night. Yes I do have two male dogs but I had their stuff cut off so they can stay. I look so forward to Friday night football season because it is the only night of the week that I can actually hold the remote controls and watch whatever I choose on the TV. I even manage to gather up all the dirty clothes throughout the house and shove all of it into the washer so that Tony will think I have done the laundry as well. See I know he will be in such a rush to get to the game he wouldn't think to open the washer and see that I have whites, darks, towels and unmentionables crammed in their. Besides that I don't think anyone in the house knows what the washer is. I think my family believes that the washer walks out of the laundry room gathers all of their wet towels, dirty undies, sweaty T-shirts and gazillion pairs of gym shorts off of the floor and one hour and fifteen minutes later the washer walks back out and hangs everything either back in the closet or in the drawers. But that is another blog all together! When I hear Tony and Drake pull into the driveway I hop over to the couch to grab my book and act like I have the house cleaned and am just sitting around reading and relaxing. This little trick gives Tony the impression that I have completed all of my domestic duties in the morning and that our home is one well oiled machine. If he could only knew what a complete procrastinator his wife truly is he would be appalled. Tony walks in and ask me to come out on the porch to talk for a bit before he leaves for the Circleville game. Just as I am walking out to join him Drake is exiting Tony's truck with a big cardboard box making his way for the house. I ask Drake "what is that box for do you have some sort of project to work on this weekend?" Drake nonchalantly says "no Mom this is a cat I got from some kid at school." "Oh really did I not make it clear to you last week when you ask about the cat that I DO NOT LIKE CATS, and I will not have one in my home. I have a hard enough time cleaning up the messes from all of you and the two dogs." Drakes says "don't worry Mom the cat isn't for us I brought it home for my friend Austin." When I ask him what time Austin will be arriving to get the cat he informs me that Austin is busy tonight hanging out with friends and won't be coming until tomorrow. Okey dokey so what in the $%^*) am I supposed to do to keep the cat safe and in the yard for the night. Drake suggest that I allow him inside just for tonight. ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I tell him that the kitten will just have to stay in the box for the night. Then I ask him what am I supposed to give this kitten to eat he can't stay here all night without having some food. This is when Tony gets up and says he has that covered he stopped and purchased cat food for her on the way home. This same man who acts like I am asking him to donate a kidney if I ask him to stop and pick up milk for me...oh but for the cute little kitten he can make a trip to Kroger I see! Tony purchasing several cans of cat food should have been my first clue that this was not what is appeared. I fed the cat gave her some water and told them to put her in the box for the evening. Drake tells me to quit calling her it or her that her name is Berlin..really so she has a name. This should have been another clue that this was not looking good for me. Tony uses the over under method to shut the box to no avail. She managed to free herself as soon as Tony and Drake when inside to get ready for the game. Did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS?!. not only do I not like cat I am deathly afraid of them and their little sharp claws. I start yelling for Tony or Drake or anyone who can hear to please come out and get this kitten her is purring and crawling up my leg like I am her long lost mother. Of course no one hears me or comes to my rescue! Berlin manages to climb into my lap up my stomach and reaches out her paw like she is going to take a nice sharp swipe at my face. Then she ever so gently starts petting my face sans claws. Just when I think she is going to start tearing flesh from my aging face giving me a horrible case of cat scratch fever she turns all sweet and delicate. (Uh oh I could be in trouble here) Something sweet and delicate in my house I wouldn't know what to do. I would be willing to be she doesn't even fart! And she doesn't have testicles that she can scratch! Tony Drake and Peyton all leave for the games and instead of my relaxing night of TV and control of the remote. I spend the entire evening running in and out of my house checking to make sure Berlin hasn't escaped and that one of the many creatures in my yard hasn't had her for dinner. Drake of course doesn't come home after the game he informs me that he is going into town with friends and ask to spend the night with Aaron. Great just great! I wake up at 5:30 am on Saturday morning unable to sleep from worry that Berlin has gotten out and been attacked by the giant raccoon in my yard.
I end up sitting outside in my bathrobe until about ten am when Tony finally comes out. I had to spend an entire Saturday morning keeping vigil over a cat that isn't even mine. At round noon when Drake hasn't even called and Austin has yet to show up to pick up HIS cat. I finally call Drake and ask him to make contact with Austin to find out what time he is coming. Drake calls me back nearly an hour later to inform me that Austin will not be able to come until at least tonight. Right as I am beginning to give him the lecture Berlin finally claws her way out of the box I am screaming at Drake on the phone that she has escaped and that there is nothing I can do if she runs off or gets injured. He acts like this is no big deal he says it will be fine! Sometimes it should be legal to strangle a teenager!! In defeat I run inside to get another can of cat food in hopes that if I feed her she will stick around the house and not run off to be attacked or injured by any of the other creatures. Drake and Austin finally show up at the house only to let me know they are heading out to a show in Chillicothe and Austin will be spending the night with us tonight and will finally take Berlin home with him on Sunday. Just flipping fabulous! Berlin did manage to figure out that she can find shelter under my porch thank God. On Sunday morning up at 5:15 am once again worried about her I spend several hours on the porch once again standing guard. When Drake and Austin finally wake up at around noon Austin says he is heading home that he has a busy day I remind him not to forget the Berlin when he goes out and to go ahead and take the remaining cans of food for her. I say goodbye to Austin and head off to take my shower. After I have showered and dressed I make my way outside to remind Tony that I have to get going soon because I have to be in Cleveland to see Jackson Brown tonight I see that Tony is sitting at the picnic table with Peyton and Drake and guess what is sitting on his lap. My head spends towards the driveway only to discover that Austin's car is gone and the cat is still here!! When I ask why Austin is gone and the cat is not, Peyton says Dad told Austin never mind and we get to keep the cat!! And Dad is going to build her a little cat house and isn't it awesome Mom!! OMG did I mention I DON'T LIKE CATS!! Does anyone around here listen to a dag gone thing I say. Well my name is Jami I still DON'T LIKE CATS although I do love my little Berlin who curls herself around my feet and gently climbs into my lap every morning and caresses my face with her delicate little paws and purrs when I rub her back. And she is mine she likes me best unlike my male dogs who don't listen any better than Tony or the boys do. and I finally have something female at my house and I am her favorite one she won't come out from under the porch unless I lure her out. I love it! Tony just called to say that is building her the cat house today and that he already has the wood and insulation for it and we are going to even put siding on it to match the shed and the house. Now I need to go so I can get to Mom's then to Pet Smart to look for furnishings for Berlin's Kitty Condo! I till DON'T LIKE CATS! But Berlin is just special!

Did I Mention I Don't Like Cats? Part 1

Only in Jami world can these things actually happen! Last week I talked with Michelle and even managed to stop in for a brief visit early in the week. We had a nice chat and planned on making a girl day on Friday to do lunch and perhaps a little retail therapy while our boys were in school. After the long rather sad week we had in losing one of our friends from school. We decided to have a fun time together and actually get out of our respective homes for a few hours. On Friday morning looking so forward to a girls day out with one of my best friends I was extremely motivated showered dressed and called the salon for a hair appointment and managed to make the bed a load of laundry and cleaned up breakfast dishes. All of this prior to 8:35 am, needless to say I had my A game on. I immediately called Michelle to see where we going to go and what we were going to get into, when to my heart's distress she didn't answer her phone. I decided I would go ahead and leave for my appointment and call her from the road. Maybe we could still meet up after my appointment and grab lunch or even get pedi's. I actually arrived at my appointment early which is something I rarely do. (Just ask my family) I decide to wander into Lane Bryant only to discover that they no longer sale pants small enough to fit me!!!!!! Yeah that's right they don't carry my size, sorry I may be bragging a bit but I have to admit my ego was boosted big time. And to top it off I am getting a new do and a little pampering at the Salon. Ever the optimist I am sure by the time I have finished with my appointment Michelle will answer her phone and we can meet for lunch and talk and laugh like we always do. Well optimism sometimes isn't all it is cracked up to be you know? Michelle still doesn't answer her phone. Still tyring to keep my bubbly state going I convince myself that in spite of my lack of female companionship I will have my retail therapy alone. I mean I can do that for crying out loud, so what if I have no one around to share it with. I just seen Eat Pray Love at the movies with Julia Roberts and if that chick can take of to three foreign countries for a year. I can manage TJ Maxx without having a pity party. I was right TJ Maxx is just fun with or without friends. I was grabbing things off the rack to try on like I possessed an unlimited American Express card and actually had employment. Off to the fitting room I go. (by the way TJ Maxx policy is only 10 items at a time in the dressing room) So I asked the fitting room attendant (personal shopper well in my mind anyway) to hold the other items on her rack until I try on the first ten. Being that I am alone and have no one with me to offer an opinion on anything. I am able to see that a couple of items I chose were definite "NO'S" not flattering in any way shape or form or in any three way mirrors with fluorescent lighting. But some of the other items I really needed a second opinion. This is where I turned the poor unwitting fitting room attendant and perhaps a few other retail therapy patients into my own personal shoppers. After my personal shopper allowed me my second round of items and after modeling said items for her as well as a few other customers. I realized that I had turned the fitting room into Jami's personal fashion runway show then add the fact that I don't have an unlimited budget or credit card I decided to end the fashion show and for go trying on round three items. I come out of the dressing room hand my much perturbed personal shopper all of my items except for three really cute shirts and head to the check out. (I don't think the fitting room attendant liked me.) She didn't even smile when I pointed out that I had purchased one of the shirts she said didn't make my boobs look too big. Granted she only told me this because I ask her the direct question, "are you sure this doesn't make my boobs look too big?" Off to the check out with my meager purchases I try one more time to contact Michelle to no avail. I contemplated waiting a little longer and trying to call Michelle again when my stomach makes it's own protest and has informed me waiting any longer to hear from Michelle is not an option. They say many often think with parts on their bodies other than their brains. Well I don't think we women should be so quick to judge, I have found that my stomach has often called the shots over my head and my heart. So to Steak and Shake I go the Frisco Melt is calling my name. The stupid hostess sits me in a giant booth which makes it look even more awkward that I am occupying a big booth for one. I think she was trying to taunt me like some sort of school yard bully....ha haha haha ha you don't have any friends and you have to eat alone! Look at her everyone she is all by herself scarfing down a Frisco Melt like she has been in prison. Isn't she funny trying to look all smart and confident with her bifocals and her book. She is trying to pretend she enjoys this maybe all of us folks here at Steak and Shake should make her a big sign that says "LOSER" and sit it in the booth with her. Well maybe it wasn't that bad but it did sort of feel like she was trying to taunt me especially when she asked me if this would be on one check. I finally snapped and said "no actually I thought perhaps those two old coots in the corner who have stared at me the entire meal could split the cost of the stupid Frisco Melt and salad or maybe even you would like to chip in?" The Steak and Shake waitress didn't find my humor anymore than the personal shopper at TJ Maxx did? When I finally am making my way home and since I can no longer shop at Lane Bryant I decide I have the right to a McDonald's Mocha Frappe as a treat for myself. I try Michelle one more time to fill her in on my day. Michelle then proceeds to tell me that she just got home from Grove City, TJ Maxx to be specific she needed some retail therapy as well. She had posted on my Facebook which in my rush for my girls day did not get checked this morning. Upon further conversation I explain that I too have been in Grove City TJ Maxx as well. I tell her I will be at her house in a few minutes to compare receipts and purchases. At Michelle's house upon comparing receipts we discover that we were in TJ's at the same time and actually checked out about 6 minutes apart!! OMG seriously I subjected the poor attendant and several other unwilling shoppers and my friend was in the store the entire time. You have got to be kidding me. Michelle did bring up a valid point that maybe since we didn't reach each other at home we might have been smart enough to call each other's cell phones. Well isn't that just the grandest idea ever? Cell phones who knew they could be so convenient? Obviously not Michelle or I! Seriously, I haven't even gotten to the part about the stupid cat yet, but Drake just called from his new school and is locked in a bathroom stall with let's just say some "intestinal issues" and I need to go pick him up. So the story of the cat will have to come in two installments unfortunately. I will just label this on Did I Mention I Don't Like Cat's (Part 1). I will try to have installment two up later today, but that will depend heavily on the amount of intestinal trouble Drake is suffering. If not I will get part 2 tomorrow. I don't want to leave this like a Dallas cliff hanger for you fine readers so I will say this there is a cat her name is Berlin and apparently I am her new owner. Oops almost forgot to add part one to the title of this one! Soon good readers soon I will finish the entire saga of "Kittygate 2010" until then I need to go rescue Drake from the bathroom stall at school. Good day and blessings to each of you!!

Undergarments!! Yikes!

Wow I can't believe summer is over and in all that time I have not managed to write anything. I guess it just proves my point that I can only write in silence and alone. Obviously in the summer at the McComas house silence or being alone at anytime is not an option. So last night Preston calls me to jump on me about not writing anything in my blog as well as not doing anything toward getting my book submitted for publication. He informed me that he will be taking over the role of motivator and marketer for all things Mom. When I ask him if he was going to be my very own Julian Michael's (the biggest loser meanie) of writing he mentioned that I may want to find time to incorporate my pilates routine as well. When I informed him that I can't be writing and exercising everyday that there just wasn't enough time to do it all his reply was "well I kinda think there is." Oh really you kinda do? Well I kinda find your young twenty something energy and organization annoying! I am well aware that our roles change with our children as we get older I mean I know that they say eventually the parent becomes the child and vice versa. Heck I have even experienced some of this myself with my own mother. But come on this crap shouldn't start at 40.........1 there alright 41 yes I said 41dammit! And while I am at yeah, I have tri-focals and yeah now more days than not I find more gray wiry antenna like hairs sprouting from my once glorious red locks and yes shopping for bras is no longer based on cute lacy little numbers. I am now forced to select under garments based on structural integrity instead of color or sexiness. It is a sad sad day when undergarment shopping requires a girl to think about engineering instead of color and texture. Things like underwire, percentage of lycra, nipple petals and lift. If you asked me the lift thing is a bit much for crying outloud I went just last week with my sisters shopping and we ended up in the intimate's department shopping for items to hold certain things in place. The very things that used to stay in place all by themselves now require scientific study and engineering. What mother nature once did all by herself now has rooms full of people many of them men I presume according to how some of these things are designed. I tried on one over the shoulder boulder holder that had my girls lifted so high up it looked like I was comfortably resting my chin on someone's ass. This garment produced enough lift and cleavage that I literally could have stored most of the contents of my purse between them without those items being seen. I am about to start and petition and protest on the undergarment industry I want to know who is behind some of these contraptions and if in designing these items if anyone bothered to actually try them on any "real" women. Some of these things had my girls performing tricks that I didn't even know they could perform. I haven't even mentioned the so called "body shapers" yet. At least I now know why they call them "body shapers" they certainly can shape a body I am just not sure what the shape is in some of them or even if it is a shape that should ever be seen or has been seen in nature.And I just love the names for these "body shapers" too one is called "Spanx" these are the ones Oprah and Beyonce swear by. I will admit they are great but "Spanx" really? What is the meaning behind that are girls who like food supposed to be spanked are we bad little girls for having a little (okay so alot) of junk in the trunk. The one combination of bra and body shaper had my girls directly below my chin and had my thighs and butt as lifted and smooth as when I was a fifteen year old. The only problem was that somewhere between where the "body shaper" ended and the bra began it looked like I was ready for the pool as I had what looked like a small childs intertube on. Another look that I thought I should try was a minimizer bra with a full body shaper that went clear up to my bra. Warning, warning....never ever ever put a minimizer bra on. Now I know why they say if you got it flaunt it! A minimizer bra and body shaper combo does absolutely nothing to help a girl's self esteem. This deadly combo made me look exactly like Fred Flinstone. I am not exaggerating this point. I was literally square. I looked more like a linebacker than a lady.This look had me so blocky and square that you could have painted me scarlet and gray and I could have been the new mascot for OSU the walking talking Block O. Boobs even ones that are gravitationally challenged are better than trying to make it look like you don't have them.Which is exactly what my sweet hubby Tony would like. They do serve to give the appearance of a waistline. Then last night watching TV with Tony the new Vicotria's Secret commercial comes on with their new slogan "I love my Body" of course you love your body who wouldn't? I mean if I invested thousands of dollars in cosmetic surgery for my body I would love mine too. Really just sitting here looking at your bodies I love them and by the look on Tony's face he is quite smitten with your bodies as well. Where is the freaking Dove commercial when you need it? Real women with real cellulite and stretch marks and gravity and bloating. Victoria's secret I will tell you what her secret is...it is surgically enhanced airbrushed anorexic woman in their unmentionables. Yes I am quite bitter the wounds of last weeks shopping are too fresh for me to endure looking at these bodies that are untainable on my TV with my hubby. I mean what must he think..does he think looking like that is even possible for the average woman? Well all this talk of the perils of undergarment shopping has me thinking perhaps Preston has a point and I should probably keep this one short and take the stupid twenty minutes and do the flipping pilates dvd. Maybe if I did manage to shape my body through exercise I could eliminate the need for further humiliation in the dressing room. But then again if I looked really good I would lose some of my writing material....hummm quite a quandry? What is a girl to do? I just don't know I will have another cup of coffee and think it over. I will let you know what I decided on next time...until then Yabba Dabba Dooooo!

Moments of Motherhood!!

So I finally get to leave for Florida in only ten days and I can't wait! I am in dire need of a vacation as the end of the school year for the boys is always crazy busy. They have concerts, award banquets and exams and since I have managed to raise two of the most helpless individuals on the planet this means that my plate is quite full. I seriously do not see how either of them will ever manage to exist unless they intend to live with me for the rest of their natural born lives. Just this morning Peyton asked me what I did with the new socks that we purchased just last weekend. He says "hey Mom what did you do with all my new socks I haven't been able to find them since I wore them last week" to which I responded "Peyton I washed the socks sorted the socks and put the socks in your dresser." "No you didn't, I looked and they aren't in there" he says. When I go into his room and look into his dresser lo and behold what do I see?.....well new socks of course. I turn and give him my best Mommy is ticked face and he responds with "well no wonder I couldn't find them you put them in a different drawer!" OMG how dare I put the socks in a different drawer I mean what was I thinking that you would have the good sense or even the energy required to open a different drawer on your dresser my expectations are just way to high. I mean what kind of horrible mother am I thinking that you should have to locate you own socks in your own dresser. You should probably contact children's services. I should point out here that Peyton is not on my good list and this has nothing to do with just the sock incident. I should explain on Saturday (which was a lazy day) I went all out and cooked frozen pizza for an early dinner. Well when the pizza came out of the oven Peyton came flying into the kitchen and grabbed the pizza cutter and I told him to leave it be and let me slice it because I was afraid he would get burned. Of course he argued that he was old enough and smart enough to slice a stupid pizza so I obliged and allowed him to do it. Of course less than thirty seconds later Peyton is yelling and crying from the kitchen I return to find him holding his fingers as tears are rolling down his cheeks. Yep he burnt his finger....it was definitely and I told you so moment but of course I knew better than to say that at the time. So I kick into Mommy kiss it make it better mode grab the aloe grab the neosporin and bandages and do my mommy duty. After he is calmed down and dressed for the party he is going to I take him and drop him off. It is a sleep over party he is attending so I don't have to pick him up until Sunday. I wake up on Sunday and begin calling his phone repeatedly to no avail. Finally at around eleven thirty my phone rings and Peyton says I need to get over and pick him up right away everyone is leaving the party. He says this in a way that let's me know that once again today I will not be nominated for Mommy of the year. I get to the house and pick him up I of course stay in my vehicle because I am suffering from a severe case of Sunday morning bad hair and I don't want to humiliate my son in front of the other mothers and friends. I fail at this anyway since the hostess mommy decides to come out to my vehicle for a chat. This is just fabulous since I am not only sporting scary Sunday morning hair but I have decided to opt for no bra! How wonderful now she will not only know but will have been witness to my erectile dysfunction of my hoo ha's. They are perpetually in a state of attention. I have no idea why they are they just are. Of course Tony says it is from living with him all these years that I am in a constant state of amore and desire for him!!! The hostess mommy ask me how entertaining it is living with him. She informs me that Peyton kept them in stitches all night with his stories and then just gives me a wicked smile? This leaves me perplexed and wondering what stories Peyton has opted to share with these people. Considering the state of my hoo ha's and my hair I decide it is best not to ask what he has told them. I simply can not bare anymore humiliation this is a moment where ignorance is definitely bliss. I inform hostess mommy that I really need to get going to avoid hearing what family secrets he has revealed. When I eventually make my escape with Peyton he launches into a tirade about how the bandaged I had applied to his finger the night before had caused him some great suffering because sometime during the party his finger got wet. Which caused his finger to start hurting quite bad and when he removed the bandage he found that his finger was all wrinkled up. He says this caused him to think of something that he had been meaning to ask me. Oh noooo...I know the next comment out of his mouth is not going to do anything to serve my self esteem. Peyton says "wrinkly skin really hurts and I was wondering if all of those wrinkles on your face hurt real bad?".....These are the moments when I really want to slap my own mother..why didn't she warn me? Why didn't she tell me about how ugly motherhood could be? Why didn't she let me know how cruel and oblivious children can be? After doing several deep breathing exercises I can finally respond to let him know that no ALL of the wrinkles on my face don't hurt at all. I don't mention it is not the wrinkles that hurt it is only when someone points out their existence that it hurts. Okay I'll admit it sometimes hurts when I look in the mirror as well. Well enough of my whining for now onto happier topics. As I mentioned earlier the kids have been really busy with school things since the year is winding down. Last Tuesday evening Drake has his last choir concert for the year. He was really excited about this particular concert since he was going to be playing his acoustic guitar for one of the numbers. He told me he would be sitting on the stage playing guitar with the rest of the men's choir standing around him and singing. He said he was really nervous and excited at the same time. He said I was going to love it because he had a special surprise for me after the performance. Once at the concert after watching the other choirs I finally see the men's choir and Drake is on the stage and when I see him up there my heart swells watching him and of course I start crying seeing him on stage doing what he loves. As they finish their song as I am wiping my eyes the men's choir on the stage goes into some sort of football like huddle and Henry one of Drake's close friends in the choir starts saying "man I need to find me another Caroline fellas"..they all start saying go get her I know she is out there...when Henry leaps from the stage and begins going through the audience and all of the guys on stage are saying no Henry over there...he keeps looking and then I realize what my surprise is!! OMG Henry comes right up to me in the audience pulls me from my chair and leads me to the stage sits me on a stool and the entire Logan Elm Men's Choir begins serenading me Neil Diamond's Sweet Caroline. These boys are running their fingers through my hair grabbing my hands singing to me on bended knee as the song is getting ready to end all of them hand me red roses. At this point I am feeling as though I am going to faint right there on stage in front of everyone. Once the torture is finally over and I am escorted back to my seat with an armful of roses and my face now the same crimson color as my hair I can actually breathe. When the concert ends and the lights in the auditorium come on people are laughing and making comments to me about like "see ya Caroline"" don't forget to put the rose in water Caroline" mostly funny comments all in jest. Except for one mother who apparently was irritated that I was selected for this little number because she stands up from her seat walks right over to me and says "your name isn't even Caroline is it huh?" and turns around and walks off. Okey dokey I guess she wanted to be the one humiliated and dragged upon the stage so sorry. I ask Peyton to go find Drake so that we can get out of here before I have to hear anymore comments about tonight's performance and I don't much feel like walking through the crowd of people since I am acutely aware that everyone knows who I am at this point. Granted I am sure most of them think my name is really Caroline I don't want anymore attention this evening. Peyton finally makes his way back to me with Drake following closely behind and Peyton doesn't look all too happy. When they get to where I am seated Peyton looks over to Drake and tells him that he needs to beat the crap out of Ian because Ian told Peyton that his mom had a nice rack!!! This started another argument because Drake thought this comment was funny and Peyton thought is was rude and that Drake should defend his mother's honor and beat him up. I told them both to drop it and let's just please leave now!! I most certainly didn't need a school brawl to draw any more attention to myself or my family at this point. I would like to tell you that I regretted the evening but I didn't at all. It was well worth a little embarrassment to see Drake on that stage playing his guitar and singing. And as a bonus I know it created a memory that Drake will never forget so it was all worth it. Then on the other hand I hope Drake does make it really big in the music industry so I can afford to pay for the therapy for Peyton as I am sure it will take some pretty intensive therapy to help him recover from having his wrinkly faced mother and her big boobs taken to the stage and spotlighted for the entire school to see. Witnessing Drake up there on the stage doing what he loved prompted me to spend this past weekend getting my book ready for submission to agents. I figured I better set a good example about following your dreams if I expect him to follow is own. So hopefully by weeks end I will have it sent off to a few agencies and will be ready for the rejections to role in. But I know eventually it will get to the right person at the right time and then I will be able to say that I am a published author!!